Ok, so I met up with my BPD girlfriend by myself for the first time. We were in a long distance relationship, but had been friends over the internet for years.
Haha, everything went to hit in a particularly embarrassing and painful way, damn ***** .
I admittedly messed up somewhat, I had been on my own due to this damn anxiety disorder for too long, and I was waaay too nice to her, I knew she couldn't handle it, she in fact told me she couldn't handle too much closeness. But damn, I couldn't control myself, schoolboy error.
Before I saw her, the relationship was not particularly old. In fact she only seemed interested after I saw her the first time with a group of mutual friends. She is a pretty slutty woman that has lots of casual sex, and I think her main interest with me was sex, from the way she was talking afterwards it seemed so. I am not sure why she wanted a relationship then, I had a mild interest in one of the other girls, and I suspect she was just being extremely attention seeking.
Anyway, what happened from my perspective (the less crazy one haha) is that she was very cold at first when I met up with her, but she got a lot better when she got drunk, she actually started kissing me back... .so we had some sex that night, not particularly good cos it had been a while haha. She managed to split me a couple of brief times over god knows what, not really giving any explanation, just seemed annoyed for no reason and started saying her other friend would make things ok heh. Also telling me that she madly loved me and was trying to be closer to me, I tended to believe that she did in her own distorted way, it was quite painful to see that explosion of emotion, trying to fight the BPD.
Ok this is where things got pretty bad, the next day she was slightly cold again, not hugely, but she wouldn't let me kiss her properly, this apparently threw me badly. I was unable to perform sexually like all day, I must have tried several times, she seemed to take it very personally each time which was hurtful. I guess a very sexual BPD girl can't really handle that very well? She became very unresponsive, turned away and ended up moving to the other side of the bed blaming it on misophonia, which is a hatred of sound. Yeah, apparently my eyelids and lips were annoying her, what the heck
? I know that BPDs can commonly have some weird sensory hit, is it possible that if she becomes pissed off with someone this is truly aggravated? It seems like she is deliberately lying though and just cant accept in herself what a ***** she is, so is this probably disassociation or outright manipulation, or a mixture of the 2?
I had a big go at her when I got home and she is like trying to make up some bs about not really being interested in me from when I first got to her flat. She is trying to come across as noble and saying that she tried anyway because she didn't want to hurt me. Well she dumped me at the end of my stay at hers, I had a go at her for just treating me like a sex object and reducing me to my performance, and she seems to be distorting events. Trying to say that she just didn't like me from the start, utter bs, she is just a slut that probably knows she couldn't stay faithful before I turned up again cos I wasn't satisfactory in bed (long distance remember) I reckon she can't handle the fact that she was that damn shallow and treated me like crap and so has to change reality to suit her, she doesn't want to feel evil? Or does she perhaps have a bit of NPD too and this is just pure gaslighting? Well assuming its just BPD what the hell is going through her head, am curious.
