What do you think of this?

[Mara2]

My BPDH made a comment that made me do a double take.  He stated that men want to know that their women will fight for them.  In other words, when a man starts looking at other women he does it in order to see if his wife will put up a fight for him.  To me this does not sound right. 

Then he got upset with me because he was late one evening and did not show up for a daughter's soccer game, which was cancelled due to weather.  When I asked him where he was (We were supposed to meet there and I waited over an hour for him) he said that he figured the game was canelled and just didn't bother showing up.  I knew if I pressed him it would go bad, so I dropped it.  He had been at another woman's house doing odd painting jobs and thought I should be more curious and wanted me to get upset that he had been there.  I think he did this deliberately because of the previous conversation saying that men want their women to be jealous and put up a fight to keep them.

What do you all think?

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[lostandunsure]

It's my opinion that there's a difference between fighting for the person you love and constantly worrying that they are cheating on you.

If my wife stormed off after an argument over something silly, I would go after her. That's fighting for my wife and the relationship. If she had an illness that was difficult and I had to do more around the house and take care of her, that's fighting for my wife. If she had something bad happen at work and needed someone to stand up for her, that would be fighting for my wife.

If I find out that she's been looking at other men... .Or that she's been seeing them alone in what would normally not be socially acceptable, that she has no problem eyeing and flirting with other men in front of me... .(fortunately, she's not and she doesn't) My anger and jealousy at such treatment is not fighting for our relationship. She would be demeaning me and my place in the relationship, showing me that she does not think of me as an equal. She would be saying that she doesn't think much of the relationship herself.

I do not want my wife to be jealous, not even a little bit. And not just because she has BPD and jealousy would trigger all kinds of abandonment issues. I want her to know that I am devoted to her and that she can be confident in our relationship. If I get unexpected and unrequested attention from another woman, I let them know that I'm happily married. My wife may get jealous that someone else paid attention to me, but she would know that not only did I not ask for it, but I shut it down as soon as possible. Her jealousy does show that she loves me, but it wasn't something that I actively created to test her. Unsolicited attention does feel nice, sure, but I don't want it at the cost of my marriage, which I place at much higher value. And I'm certainly not going to actively seek it, not if I want to keep my marriage... .My wife also feels the same way knowing that cheating at any level is unacceptable.

All that being said... .BPD adds a whole different level to the conversation. It seems that for some reason, people with BPD always seem to think they need to test the relationship. Add to this the impulsiveness and self destructive behavior and it all gets worse. Fortunately, my wife and I were spared from the cheating that so many other people in relationships with pwBPD have.

This is a great time for you to set some boundaries and use some communication skills. Remembering that the boundaries are for you, you can't set the boundaries on him, because lines will often be crossed just to see just how far they can push you.

What boundary could you have set to meet your needs. For example, maybe waiting just 15 minutes for him, instead of over an hour. Maybe call his cell phone (assuming he has one) that you could have called to find out where he is after a set period of time so that you are not left hanging? My wife and I have iPhones and we are both setup on "find my friends" so that we can tell where the other is at any time, not because we don't trust each other, but because there is some security in knowing where the other is.

None of this is easy. Have you read up on SET and DEARMAN (communication tool sets) so that you can learn to let him know how you feel and how what he's doing is impacting you? I can totally relate to the "if I press this issue, it'll go bad". But I've been learning that if I don't stand up for myself and let her know how I feel, it's only going to get worse. That I would be more and more beaten down and demeaned. I'm still learning a lot and as you might have seen from a recent post, it can still go very bad, but at least I feel like I'm being heard now.