Saw Ex in court. Mad Sad and Glad.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just need to vent.

ExuBPDH filed to amend divorce agreement so that he will pay NO child support or support for college. He seems to be unemployed by choice. The way it works is we had a "settlement conference" with the judge to see if we can come to an agreement. Since he was totally unwilling to compromise (and I am not going to simply say" Ok, dont support your kids" it was a non-event and trial is set for January. 

I am mad.  He should support his kids! And he has no guilt, no remorse, no sense of responsibility! GRRRR! But to go to trial and prove he can pay support will cost money and at some point it will cost more to get the money than its worth. GRRRRRR! And the emotional toll on me to do this court stuff is still pretty huge.

I am Sad.  How did he come to this? He had it all. But now, Unemployed. Glib liar. He looked awful. His kids are NC with him (I think thats the key reason he doesnt want to pay--to punish them and me).  Our kids are really great people. He really has screwed up his life. 

I am glad. SO GLAD that for the most part he is really out of my life.  And I am no longer in the FOG, or live in fear. My stomach was in knots all day yesterday-- I had forgotten how awful that is and I used to live that way all the time. Not any more. And I have managed to create a good home for me and my kids and create an honest relationship with each of them.  Thank God and thank this board and my Lawyer and T and friends and family! 

So, a few months respite and then will need to decide how much to fight for the money.  I am also lucky that I can make it without his support. I could really use the money but I dont need it.  So I am also glad for that.

Ok. thats all. Just needed to dump here.  ARgh!

Crystal

[crystal]

Just need to vent.

ExuBPDH filed to amend divorce agreement so that he will pay NO child support or support for college. He seems to be unemployed by choice. The way it works is we had a "settlement conference" with the judge to see if we can come to an agreement. Since he was totally unwilling to compromise (and I am not going to simply say" Ok, dont support your kids" it was a non-event and trial is set for January. 

I am mad.  He should support his kids! And he has no guilt, no remorse, no sense of responsibility! GRRRR! But to go to trial and prove he can pay support will cost money and at some point it will cost more to get the money than its worth. GRRRRRR! And the emotional toll on me to do this court stuff is still pretty huge.

I am Sad.  How did he come to this? He had it all. But now, Unemployed. Glib liar. He looked awful. His kids are NC with him (I think thats the key reason he doesnt want to pay--to punish them and me).  Our kids are really great people. He really has screwed up his life. 

I am glad. SO GLAD that for the most part he is really out of my life.  And I am no longer in the FOG, or live in fear. My stomach was in knots all day yesterday-- I had forgotten how awful that is and I used to live that way all the time. Not any more. And I have managed to create a good home for me and my kids and create an honest relationship with each of them.  Thank God and thank this board and my Lawyer and T and friends and family! 

So, a few months respite and then will need to decide how much to fight for the money.  I am also lucky that I can make it without his support. I could really use the money but I dont need it.  So I am also glad for that.

Ok. thats all. Just needed to dump here.  ARgh!

Crystal

[GaGrl]

I doubt the judge will allow him to simply say, "I'm unemployed so I don't pay any child support for any of the children, and oh-by-the-way, I intend to stay unemployed until the youngest child is 18 or out of college."  Doesn't typically work that way!

What is his work history?  Do you think the judge will impute income based on what he demonstrated he has earned in the past?

What you choose to do now could affect your children until the youngest is 18.

[DreamGirl]

      

He does need to support his kids.

[ForeverDad]

Your youngest is just about out of high school, is that right?  I'm figuring this is his feeling that if they're adults then he's outtathere.  However, these days some college education is virtually mandatory in today's work environment.

Worst case scenario, he gets to end support.  Odds are the judge won't let him evade all financial responsibility.  I doubt there is any benefit to settling.  Show how he can work.  I recall a cited case in CA where a doctor quit and started flipping burgers to avoid child support and perhaps alimony too.  Judge still imputed him at the level of his old income.

MY divorce decree and subsequent orders don't mention college support.  My ex has always played the 'poor' card, no one believed it would change very much in the years ahead and until now they've always imputed minimum wage without even bothering to get her income or tax records.

Hmm... .so if he's out of work, then how is he supporting himself, paying his own bills?

[crystal]

Thanks for the responses and the nudges to push for what is right.  Yes, my youngest is 17 and almost out of high school.  But our divorce decree did say we would split college costs (up to what it would cost to go to a state school). 

My Ex has a skill that is fully employable and well compensated-- my Lawyer did say we can get a "vocational expert" to testify what would be reasonable salary expectations...

What is he living on?  I am pretty sure he has spent down all the retirement and savings that were his split of the divorce. I suspect he is getting money from his mother.  (UCK!). 

I am realizing as I read your responses and write this that a big part of the "cost" of making him pay is the emotional cost to me when I have to deal with him.  It helps to be able to identify that--thanks. I have been so happy not having to deal with him that I am having some strong negative reactions to the amount of tension I had yesterday.

Good thing is the trial is not for months and he may have a job by then. 

Crystal

[Aussie0zborn]

There was a doctor in our state who quit his job to avoid paying child support. The court found he was unemployed by choice but had the earning capacity of X dollars per year. He was ordered to pay child support in accordance with his earning capacity, not his income.

[WhenWiLLitEnd]

There was a doctor in our state who quit his job to avoid paying child support. The court found he was unemployed by choice but had the earning capacity of X dollars per year. He was ordered to pay child support in accordance with his earning capacity, not his income.

Most people I know who quit work to avoid child support are those who try for a financial agreement.

When that agreement is knocked back by the primary carer, then they just shut up shop and don't work at all.

Paying child support to a primary parent who won't budge on an agreement has an element of control attached to it.

I personally can't knock anyone out there wanting to come to an agreement to support their children, but also not wanting to feel controlled.

I was talking to a FIFO worker the other day (miner) and he said blokes in that line of work quit over this type of thing regularly.

[hell0kitty]

My ex, the bio dad of my oldest, had a pretty heavy drinking problem when we were together, that turned into a drug problem after we were apart, that turned into making him homeless and jobless.  Over the last 18 years, he has probably been homeless and jobless for about 80% of it.  The court ordered him to pay $96 per month based on no home and zero income. 

If they will tell a homeless drug addict to pay $96 per month, I can't imagine they will let someone get away with $0.  It may not be a ton, but it will be something.

[hell0kitty]

And, My BF is self employed and had a rough couple of years, but works hard.  He turned in his real income which is rather low.  The judge imputed his income to a man of his age and their average earning capacity.  His child support is unreasonably high to a point where we have gone to collections with some of our own medical stuff just because we don't want to get behind on child support.