Need support and advice -a young child involved

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I've been working on my marriage for over 12 years now, almost even before I got married. Unknown to me about my partners illness. I am just discovering it now.

He owned up to anxiety and sadness and lots of therapy but years later , I see that not only have things not gotten better they have gotten worse. I've been talking rational, pleadings, asking how I can help and I now see this is not the direction to go in, and there are children involved. Luckily mine from previous marriage -grown and out if the house  , his , very challenging and semi grown somewhat out , and ours a 10 year old .

I feel stuck as he took his first child away from his ex / explaining she had narcissistic personality disorder - I now see he actually has those symptoms as well as borderline.

I've endured so much and tried so hard I'm at my wits end :'(   

Feelings of despair in my situation

[Dancing1]

Hi, I've been working on my marriage for over 12 years now, almost even before I got married. Unknown to me about my partners illness. I am just discovering it now.

He owned up to anxiety and sadness and lots of therapy but years later , I see that not only have things not gotten better they have gotten worse. I've been talking rational, pleadings, asking how I can help and I now see this is not the direction to go in, and there are children involved. Luckily mine from previous marriage -grown and out if the house  , his , very challenging and semi grown somewhat out , and ours a 10 year old .

I feel stuck as he took his first child away from his ex / explaining she had narcissistic personality disorder - I now see he actually has those symptoms as well as borderline.

I've endured so much and tried so hard I'm at my wits end :'(   

Feelings of despair in my situation

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Dancing1, I just saw that you didn't have any replies to this post. It happens sometimes, when there are many posts. I hope you don't worry about it, there's certainly nothing wrong with your post! 

I remember Briefcase told you about the Lessons on the right ------> in another thread.

That's a really good place to start, to gain tips and insights.

How's your son's relationship with his dad?

[Dancing1]

Thank you for noticing ! I was wondering if I did something wrong in posting... It seems like a common thought these days... " what did I do to have that type of behaviour hurled at me.

My sons relationship with his dad is strained.

He's 10 and very angry. He is mostly mad at me for choosing the wrong dad for him, and that his dad is mostly " unavailable " even if he is present.

I wish I knew what I was dealing with earlier so I could've accepted and reacted differently and maybe he too would have followed my lead. When my son pushes his dad and shouts to get his attention , his dad responds. It's awful , but I have been advised to stay out of their relationship for the most part, and I speak with him afterwards gently guiding him the " right" way to communicate ...

In short , he's very angry !

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm so sorry to hear that, it must be hard for you as a mum to see this. It sounds like good advice to speak with your son afterwards and to help him learn how to handle these situations. And as you get better at communicating and using the tools and techniques here, your son will have an even better example to follow than before.

From what I've seen from other members, therapy can be helpful for children with BPD parents. Is that a possibility for you? Maybe through his school? I know it's not that easy to say to your husband that your son should go to therapy because he's having a difficult time with your husband. Maybe you could lay it out in a more roundabout way, suggesting that your son has some difficulties concentrating/with heated emotions/something else at the moment, and that the school/his doctor strongly advices that he sees a therapist for a while.

It might also be helpful to take a look at the Parenting after the Split board. Although it's for people with ex-partners with BPD, they talk a lot about how to handle situations with children and how to help, guide and protect them when one parent has BPD.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I forgot:

Have you read An Umbrella for Alex ?

"An Umbrella for Alex" tells the story of how a young boy learns to understand and cope with his mother’s BPD illness.  Written to be read with a therapist or parent, the book reassures affected children that they did not cause and are not responsible for a BPD parent’s volatile behaviour.

[zaqsert]

Hi Dancing1,

I'm sorry about the feelings of despair.

When you talk with your son afterwards, you may want to make sure he understands that the response he gets (from his dad) is not his fault.  Probably similar to the message in An Umbrella for Alex.  I wish I could get that book myself, although I'm afraid it might further trigger my uBPDw.  I've had several conversations with my daughter, who is turning 3, where I'll respond by saying something like "Mommy seems to be feeling grumpy; it's not your fault".

The more you work on yourself and how you interact with your husband (including boundaries), the more your son will see a better example.

The more you can be a solid support for your son, validate his feelings, etc., the more likely he will be to develop well emotionally.

Do you have much of a chance to talk with your son about his anger towards you for "choosing the wrong dad for him"?  If he's still hanging onto that, it seems possible that he may not have felt these feelings validated yet.

[Dancing1]

Hi Scarlet Phoenix,

Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply , I haven't read that childrens book yet but I will look into it. I am playing catch up while trying to do my life. Get a job ,( haven't worked in 13 hrs) move ahead personally , take care of my son and get my husband some medical help he desperately needs in addition to the emotional dramas...

Thank you , dancing

[Dancing1]

Hi Zaqsert,

I appreciate your advice for my son, I have just begun to speak that way. Just this morning while my husband was raging and my son screaming for him to stop, I tried some validation, to my husband . You sound upset and angry , and then I told my son , daddy isn't feeling so well - it has nothing to do with you or me. My husband came and apologised and extended his hand.it was shocking to me. I'm taking baby steps to navigate this, I hope to attend a weekend seminar if I can manage.I wonder how do you recc I approach , the anger my son has at choosing the wrong dad, how do I validate that ?

Thank you again your responses are so helpful to me and make me feel less alone

In my life.  I hope we will all be dancing soon!

[allibaba]

.I wonder how do you recc I approach , the anger my son has at choosing the wrong dad, how do I validate that ?

A validation to your son would be something like "I know that you are angry with me that I chose your dad and that he is sometimes unavailable when you need him.  Its understandable that you feel that way."

You are saying that its ok to be upset and that you understand.

[Dancing1]

Hi Alibaba,

Thank you! I hope that I'll be able to remember those words when he's upset , and I at his disappointment and sadness ... that is the challenge for me.