How long did it take to realize that something was wrong?

[Sstepdad]

 I look back and see the pattern of her behavior now but at the time when she was growing up I just thought passive aggressive resentment  because I was not her real dad, around 16 she started getting nasty with her mother, again we put it of to growing up. It progressed to more and more escalation every time it was not her way until she vandalized my truck.

It was a real wakeup call, in the last 5 years we have tried family mediation, she went twice and quit and we started researching personality disorders the genetic component seems valid her aunt, my wifes sister had the same traits she just passed away two months ago from a life of alcoholism and 3 packs a day smoking.

She does not seem to have a real drinking issue but consumes a lot of pot, she is now 25 and seem to have the maturity somewhere around twelve.

I have been reading about validation, and I think for the most part my wife does well at it, I still have some anger issues about her lying and vandalizing my vehicle she denied doing it but the security cameras show her doing it. So most of the conversations I have with her do not touch on much.

We still have friends and family members that make excuses for her behavior, though more have seen some outbursts at family gatherings and some of the immature stuff she posts on facebook.

Something I realized about a year ago I cant remember her apologizing for any of her behavior ever.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Hey stepdad. Welcome. I first noticed something wasn't right with my DD14 when she was a toddler. But back than she was diagnosed with ADHD. She was very hyper, had seperation anxiety and was very demanding. As time progressed, and when she turned 12, she was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and late 12, traits of BPD.  I am remarried and my husband and she have a horrible relationship as well. She idealized him until about a year ago after we married and he started having a "say" in how she acted. He is now painted black.  A few months ago she got in to an argument with him and literally licked her hand and smeared it on his face! I was horrified! Thankfully he remained calm and I difused the situation. I really have no words of wisdom as we are in full swing right now (crises). But I did want to say Hi and also tell you that you are one hell of a guy, like my husband is, to stick with your wife through all this. It isn't easy. I've given my husband and out, and he refuses to let her "win" and ruin our relationship. Stay strong!

[lbjnltx]

Hello Sstepdad,

Our story is very similar to raytamtay3's.

Separation anxiety at 2-3 years of age, diagnosed ODD at 10/11, and dx MDD and Emerging BPD at age 12.

It all came tumbling down when my d16 was in the 4th grade at a small, private Christian school with an inept teacher and mounds of daily homework... .didn't get her out of there fast enough!

Happy to say now that she is doing well.

Keep working on the validation skills.  They are a stepping stone to a more peaceful relationship with your stepd.

Have you seen the video by Fruzzetti?

[peaceplease]

Sstepdad,

Welcome to the parent board!  My uBPDd, age 29, was very clingy to me, since she was a toddler.  She was pretty much my shadow until she was about 11 or 12.  Big time separation anxiety!

She never had any behavior problems in school.  As far as social problems in school, she was excluded quite a bit.  She was in a small class of very cliquish girls.  there were only 8 in the class.  I recall going to her fourth grade teacher, and asking what she noticed.  She just told me that my dd chose the wrong girls to be friends with.  There were only 7 girls besides her.  And, the girls that she wanted to be friends with excluded her.

I had my dd evaluated, and she was found to have some mild anxiety and ADD.

My dd was very passive until the fourth grade, then she did a 180. 

At home, my dd was defiant towards me, but she was an angel, elsewhere. 

Starting in ninth grade, my dd shocked me with stealing a classmates coat.  She never did answer as to why she did it.  I was mortified and shocked when the school called me.  Then, about a year later, she was caught shoplifting a pack of cigarettes.  Then, two years later, it was shoplifting at Walmart. 

My dd tells me that all of her legal problems started when I re-married my current husband.  And, that is true!  So, she blames my remarriage for her illness.  Also, she says that she would not have accepted any man that I married.  And, she claims that she will never have a relationship with any man that her son does not approve of because she knows what it is like.  She vows to be single for life.

I would say that I was really concerned there was a problem when she was in high school.  I had her in therapy when she was shoplifting.  She went a few times, then refused to go anymore.

[Thursday]

sstepdad,

Welcome from another step-parent. My BPDSD22 is no longer a teen (a big ThANK YOU to time and how its passing has helped us!) but to answer your question,

How long did it take to realize that something was wrong

I met her Dad online and we communicated by phone for the first five months we knew of each other- I was in Texas and he was in another state. About a month into our conversations she became aware that her Dad was on the phone with the same woman every day and she grabbed the phone away from him and talked baby talk on the phone to me. The baby talk included profanity! She was 13 at the time. I thought it was very strange. Her Dad was, at that time, describing her as "a little bit spoiled"

Her Dad and I progressed to meeting each other and eventually I met her. When I met her, she was sleeping (at 3:30 in the afternoon) downstairs on a couch in Sponge Bob pajamas. She and her Dad both knew I was coming and I thought it was very strange that she knew she was meeting me but no effort was made to get up (turned out that the downstairs couch was "her bed" or to get dressed. She woke up after being urged to do so by her Dad and looked at me, said hello and then went back to sleep.

The first time I stayed with them in their home she poured a bottle of water on the bed in the guest room, told me one of the dogs had peed on it and suggested that I sleep on the couch downstairs with her. It was the first time I was confronted with her lying. That was when I knew we had more than "odd" or "strange behavior" going on, when I knew something was wrong.

As our relationship was forming, since we were long distance and I have more flexibility with work, I would drive and visit. During the visits, after school, the plan was for me to get to know her (and frankly by this time her Dad was concerned about her, especially since I told him I thought there were problems with her behavior) and during this time I could then see how her behavior was in general. (awful) In the year of us visiting long distance she got caught at school for smoking. Her Dad smokes these unusual little cigars and SD got caught with a pack of these little cigars but lied and said that "a black kid" that she didn't know that didn't go to her school gave them to her. These little cigars cost about 8.00 for a pack of 10 but even when confronted with how ridiculous her story was, she stuck to it. During that year she was also arrested for shoplifting during one of my visits, got suspended from school for threatening a teacher and punched at least four new holes in the walls of their home.

It isn't easy is it? Thankfully, until much later in our relationship and until addiction was a problem, SD didn't resent my involvement with her Dad. She kinda thought I came into the situation to replace her deceased Mom... .how do you cope with your SD's resentments towards you?

thursday

[Sstepdad]

Thank you for your responses, lbjnltx I am downloading the video now and will watch it.

Thursday, I have a thick skin how she views me is not as important as just seeing some improvement in her life, she is in one of the manic cycles now, seems to happen when she loses structure like her job, when time is on her hands new relationships start while she still is in the old, I don't think it will change, she sees nothing wrong when she hurts others.

When she comes to the house with a new one I want to just say hi "I am the A hole" but I would not do that. She seems to find other unpredictable people one guy she keeps going back to behaves the same way and has the same erratic job cycle getting fired for the same reasons, and tolerates her cheating as he does the same to her.

I guess working on how I handle and feel about what is going on is the best solution.

[lbjnltx]

Thank you for your responses, lbjnltx I am downloading the video now and will watch it.

Good to know!   If validation is a new concept to you as it initially was for me, you may want to have pen and paper ready to take a few notes.

I guess working on how I handle and feel about what is going on is the best solution.

Yes.  Change begins with self.  Our basic emotions sometimes hide or disguise themselves as anger.  Our mindset can change to one of compassion when we understand more about the disorder called BPD.

Here is a link to some information that can help you better understand your stepdaughter, get in touch with your compassion for her and find more peace for yourself:

How it feels to have BPD


lbjnltx