Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
February 26, 2017, 08:40:31 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Moderators: heartandwhole, Meili, once removed
Member support team: DreamGirl, gotbushels, joeramabeme, rfriesen, Turkish, Woolspinner2000
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Please Donate Login Register  
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
26
Pages: [1] 2 ... 6  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: How it feels to have BPD  (Read 62272 times)
oceanheart
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 467

Health - even mental health - is a choice.


WWW
« on: December 15, 2007, 11:04:44 PM »

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm in recovery and approved to post at bpdfamily.com.

The behavior of someone with BPD can be so random, nonsensical, and bizarre that normal folks just can't understand the reasoning behind the actions. And that's because oftentimes, the BP is not reacting to the situation at hand - to what's happening then and there and now - but to either something that had happened in the past, or to a kindof ready-reference list of beliefs about the world, which was usually learned in childhood.

Over at Ash's BPD recovery forum (Resouces for Individuals with BPD) there's a list of 10 forms of twisted thinking (cognitive distortions) common to those with BPD (plus a list on how to "untwist" the thinking).

There is also a list of 20 disturbed beliefs that BPs often have. I'd like to share both with you, and also information on a particular type of therapy that deals primarily with changing the underlying dysfunctional belief system in people with BPD, which is called schema therapy (I'm not endorsing this therapy. It just has a particular emphasis on types of distorted thinking).

So this intro doesn't get too long, I'll put the list of 20 disturbed beliefs in separate post.



ARTICLE: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0

By Dr. David Burns

From "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D.
Logged

Act as if the future of the universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference. ~a wise buddhist


GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT

This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question.

Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board.

You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

oceanheart
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 467

Health - even mental health - is a choice.


WWW
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2007, 11:42:43 PM »

20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:

  1. I will always be alone

  2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.

  3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

  4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

  5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

  6. I have no control of myself.

  7. I can't discipline myself.

  8. I don't really know what I want.

  9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

12. I will never get what I want.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

17. Other people are evil and abuse you.

18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

Source: Behaviour Research & Therapy article [only abstract available]
Logged

Act as if the future of the universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference. ~a wise buddhist
happygirl
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2402


« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2007, 11:47:12 PM »

Thank you oceanheart, we often have so many questions, so may whys, it is helpful to have good information.

I think that it is also critical that we understand the twisted thinking.  We have a tendency to demonize the BPD behavior as evil as it "feels" like evil to us.  The reality may truly be that the thinking is so disordered that while the result may feel like evil, the intent may be something different indeed.  It helps to have such a good reference point.

HG
Logged
oceanheart
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 467

Health - even mental health - is a choice.


WWW
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2007, 12:00:23 AM »

Thanks, HG. I'm not ruling out the possibility that some BPs are consciously choosing to be "evil" (mean, nasty, willfully destructive), tho I tend to equate that more with NPD/APD, but that's my personal prejudice.

I think that it is also critical that we understand the twisted thinking.

Skip has reminded us all, on many occasions, that the 10 forms of Twisted Thinking come from David Burns' book on depression and that 74% of bpdfamily members are depressed. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

But that aside, I do think there is an awful lot of knee-jerk reaction to deep-seated fears going on in the pwBPD. Of course, that's no excuse for their (our) behavior. To me, therapy and recovery are getting to the point of understanding "triggers" and preventing them, and then eventually not even being fazed by them because one is no longer stuck in the sorta fight vs. flight belief mode.

As a personal aside, I once believed almost all of those 20 assumptions (now, none of them are true for me). What a lonely, scary, hellish world it was to believe those things... to not be able to trust anyone, to hate oneself, to be afraid nearly all of the time. It's a pitiful existence, made so much worse when one abuses or leaves those who want to help the most.
Logged

Act as if the future of the universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference. ~a wise buddhist
NewLifeforHGG
Retired Staff
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 4442


« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2007, 07:20:42 AM »

This is a good workshop because I think there are some erroneous beliefs about what is BPD and what is NPD or APD. I think it is important to have some distinctions in place because as I learn more and more about BPD and other disorders I am convinced many of the people being discussed here are NPD or APD.

What strikes me about the list is how impossible it would be to have a rewarding relationship if one of the partners believed those things. It think it is at the root of so much frustration. Kind of like 2+2=3.

When I talk to my ex it is like he is talking about something else. He interprets my feelings and words as he does his own. It makes for constant misunderstandings.

This makes it so clear why recovery is essential for relationships to survive.

Mod note: Discussion on NPD or ASPD bpdfamily.com/topic=90388.0
« Last Edit: March 05, 2009, 01:25:57 PM by JoannaK, Reason: Add link » Logged

PDQuick
Retired Staff
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5754


Don't look outside for the answers within.


« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2008, 08:18:54 AM »

The borderlines, narcissists, and other personality disordered people confuse the hell out of us. They can be with us, tell us that they love us, one minute, and then leave us and be with another the next. Seemingly without hurt, confusion, or remorse. They treat us good, then treat us badly. WTH? It seems so baffling to our own minds.

To understand this behavior, you must first wrap your mind around the fact that everything is based soley on them, and their needs. They lack the forethought of seeing how their behavior affects us. They lack the compassion of caring about us, rather, they only care about themselves. It makes perfect sense if you look deep into their past, and see that noone ever cared for them in a possitive, nurturing environment. They have always had to fend for themselves, and as a child, that cant be done without using people. It is a pattern that resides with them through adulthood.

Think of them like a gardener, and us like a lawn mower, weedeater, rake, shovel, and sprayer. They need the grass cut, so they go to the lawn mower. Now when they got this lawn mower, they loved it because it cranked with the first pull, and it never gave a minutes trouble. They never take care of it, so it seems to be in disrepair. They will pull on it once, and if it doesnt start, they will get irritated. After subsequent pulls, if the lawn mower doesnt start, they will do out and find another one that will crank on the first pull, completely oblivious to the fact that only the spark plug needs changed. That new lawnmower is now the greatest lawn mower in the world. It may be ugly, and worn out, but it is theirs, and it cranks on the first pull. That qualifies it to be the best one ever.

After that one quits cranking, they make give the first one a pull or two, but if it doesnt crank, its off to find the next one, and they know where it is at, because they are always looking to find something that will work in case their old one fails them.

You see folks, its all about need, desire, and complete selfishness. Yes, us lawnmowers love our gardeners, and we want to run on the first pull, because we dont want to let our gardener down, and we dont want to be replaced. When we are replaced, we are hurt, shocked, and rejected. We spent along time mowing their grass. If only they cared enough about us to maintain us a little. If only they changed our oil, and replaced our spark plugs. Its what we need to be able to keep running for them. But alas, we are merely replacable machines to them.

It goes on down the line with all of the other tools in the shed. Why spend time fixing one, when mass production dictates that there will always be another one just around the corner that will work. And general maintenace just takes time away from them. They refuse to do it, and refuse to see what harm it causes us. If only they could be pushed around the yard a couple of times.
Logged

LAPDR
Retired Staff
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2672


WWW
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2008, 01:07:19 AM »

Here is another lists posted on our website:

To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this :

If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;

I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;

I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;

I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;

Other people are evil and abuse you;

If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;

If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;

If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;

If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;

I will always be alone;

I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;

There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;

I don't really know what I want;

I will never get what I want;

I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;.

I have no control of myself;

I can't discipline myself;

My feelings and opinions are unfounded;

Other people are not willing or helpful.


Assumptions in borderline personality disorder: specificity, stability

and relationship with etiological factors. Arntz, A., Dietzel, R., & Dreessen, L. (1999). Behaviour Research and Therapy, 37, 545–557


At one time or another we have all tried to get inside their head and understand what makes them do what they do or just to see why they see things that way. In attempting to do this we may become enmeshed in always analyzing things and keep getting sidetracked because tomorrow the chaos changes. Just trying to figure it out and keeping up with all the different feelings and emotional conflicts can be very draining and you can feel that you are crazy yourself.

Discovering that this craziness has a name often creates a “Lightbulb Effect’ for Nons searching for answers. Much of our BPD related experiences suddenly makes sense, in the context of the disorder and its behaviors. Finding others who have experienced the same patterns and trauma in their BPD relationship can be a lifeline of hope. The sense of being completely alone disappears and we begin to find and reclaim those parts of themselves that they’ve lost as a result of their despair.

The more we understand the dynamics of the disorder the easier we can accept and cope with what we have endured. When this happens we regain control of our own self control and can address the issues at hand with smarter tools and approaches.

When we realize we can change and can make our lives better is when we regain control over ourselves again and prosper.
Logged

Letting go when it is too painful to hang on is hard to rationalize.

JoannaK
DSA Recipient
Retired Staff
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 26356



« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2008, 05:03:14 PM »

This short audio is very helpful:

https://bpdfamily.org/2011/04/untangling-internal-struggles-of.html

The speaker explains that family members without mood disorders themselves know that emotions are simply emotions that do not need to be responded to. This is not so clear to a person with a mood disorder.

The speaker also explain that family members also know that when they want to fulfill a goal, emotional responses need be put on the shelf so they can continue with the task at hand. For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, doing this can be extremely challenging.

I found it helpful.
Logged

Randi Kreger
DSA Recipient
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 616

Author of the 'Essential Family Guide to BPD"


« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2008, 12:32:14 PM »

Hi there:Another word for these is "defense mechanisms." We all use them. BPs tend to use those that are more "primitive" and typical of a child.
Logged
discardedboyfriend
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 630


« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2008, 08:32:37 AM »

I work with abandoned kids, and believe me it cuts them to their core. This is before they are labeled with BPD or some other superficial label.

These people were abandoned or abused early on in their lives. They develop this strategy to survive. I think they are seeking security and a sense of safety. My exBPDgf actually told me this in her own way. She wanted a "father figure." They want this security and safety really badly. They will manipulate, lie, do whatever to get it. The fear of abandonment is so great. Actually I don't believe that everyone hasn't experienced the same thing. They feel vulnerable, deprived, powerless, out of control, defective, unlovable and bad. On the other hand they see others as either "white" or idealized as powerful, loving, and perfect or "black" as controlling, betraying and abandoning.

1. They believe that they can't cope on their own.

2. They need someone to rely on.

3. They can not bear unpleasant feelings

4. If I rely on someone I will be mistreated, found wanting or abandoned.

5. It is impossible to control myself.

6. I deserve to be punished.

7. The worst possible thing is to be abandoned.

They believe this about themselves on a very deep level. But, none of this is true. They think they are bad but they are not. My theory is that you probably experienced the real woman you were in love with, believe who you saw was a real woman with flesh and blood. The problem is that SHE doesn't believe that she is that woman. The problem the "nons" or codependents have like me is that I was a "sponge" and not a "mirror." By doing things for my exBPDgf I was actually doing her harm. I was buying into her negative helpless view of herself. Think about her as much as you want. I think these people are in most ways just like everyone else. My therapist told me that if it were up to him he'd get rid of the concept of "mental illness." He thinks that we all to some extent have a little bit of something. I have serious issues of abandonment, I have feelings of emptiness, I get angry. Not chronically but I wasn't abused or abandoned as much as my ex. I think that you made a mistake in trying to "fix her yucky parts." The relationship might not have worked out anyway, but enabling someone with BPD doesn't work. What works is to have clearly defined boundaries I think and to not tolerate BPD behavior but in a loving way. But that's no guarantee either.  db
Logged
Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

Google+(Member)
Google+ (Professional)
BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Pages: [1] 2 ... 6  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2017, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!