Her behaviour is damaging their son

[Dibdob59]

Hi

A long post again, so sorry.

I have posted my situation on here before but basically I have a UBPDS29 whose relationship failed in January when he found his (possibly UBPD/UNPD) partner was cheating on him.  They have a 4 year old son together.  Their split was not amicable and they often engage in text or Facebook arguments.  Then she splits for a time with the guy she cheated on my son with and starts texting my son to chat and ask his advice.  He is daft enough to text her back (he has low self esteem and thinks he will never find anyone else, although he says he hates her I think he would get back with her if the chance arose).  She then gets back with the other guy and starts text wars with my son again.

Recently things have become much worse as their son has gone up a grade to his new school (left kindergarten and gone up to full time school).  The school say he has apparently developed behavioral issues and they have rung my son's ex on a number of occasions and asked her to come and get him as he is hitting or shouting at teachers and other kids.  He has always been a really sweet child so this is heartbreaking.  My son and his ex are blaming each other for their son's behaviour and although he has been taken to the doctor for a referral to a child specialist my son's ex is not being honest.  She tells the doctors she is living alone when in fact her new man lives there most of the time and the fact they often split and get back together and argue could be adding to my grandsons problems.

I do not want to be dragged into their disputes but am worried for my grandson.  Today my son has been trying to speak to his ex via phone and text to discuss his issues.  She refuses to answer his calls or texts and has now blocked his number so he cannot contact her at all.  

My son is very angry about this and says she is an unfit mother as he needs to be able to contact her about their son in case there is an emergency.  He has shared custody, although they have no formal court agreement for this and she wields power over him about this.  He is looking really ill and is not eating properly and although he has still been getting up and going to work he is obsessed about the situation and I think he has been spending most of his day trying to talk to her, which could be seen as harassment.  She on the other hand definitely goes out of her way to push his buttons, lie to their mutual friends and  generally make his life miserable. She has said she wants him dead to friends.

As he cannot contact his ex and is worried (and angry) he is asking me to contact her and explain how her behaviour is damaging their son if things don't change (I am not clear what he thinks has to change but am guessing he means she should split from her new guy).  My UBPDS is completely hung up on this point and cannot move on or drop it.  He seems to think she will listen to me.  

Can anyone offer some wise mind advice please.  I feel sick with worry and fear.

Dibdob

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Dibdab

Your son might want to consider contacting Child Protective Services if she does not respond.  Also, he should get a legal opinion on his rights as birth father.  Would he be able to care for his son if he had joint custody or full custody?

Obviously, the child is suffering from a chaotic home environment.  

I am so sorry that you are upset and concerned, as any loving mother and grandmother would be.  Please keep posting.  Take care.

[jellibeans]

I agree with mama... .he needs to find out his rights as a father. Does the child come to stay with him at anytime? Maybe he could use that time to take him to counseling. together they could work on the problems and help your gs to adjust or cope better with the given situation.

[Dibdob59]

Under UK law he has parental rights as he is named on the birth certificate.  However also under UK law only one parent can be the primary carer and as my grandson spends 8 nights out of 14 with his mother (an informal, unsigned agreement) then she is the primary carer and calls the shots.

My son works full time and his ex works 2 afternoons a week. He could not easily care for his son full time in his present job as he starts early and ends late. He also needs his income to pay to rent his house etc. His ex claims state benefits as she works so few hours so gets most things paid for. Again she uses this as a weapon as she knows his hands are tied.

He has his son 2 evenings a week from 5.30 until 8.00 next morning.  In the area where we live counselling is only available between 9-5 Monday to Fridays so are closed when my son has him.  He also has him every other weekend but again they are closed.

My UBPDS is consumed with anger, hatred and thoughts of revenge.  He dysregulates badly and talks about what his ex and her new man deserve (endless suffering etc). I am really struggling to deal with this, out of my depth validating such torrents of hatred etc. I am feeling useless and a failure and scared.

[peaceplease]

Dibdob59,

Can he have a custody hearing and voice his concerns.  Living in U.S,, I have no clue what your legal options are.  Perhaps, your ds can call for a legal consult to find out his options.  Or, this may be an opportunity to suggest that he get into counseling, so he can learn how to communicate with her, for the best of their child.  Empathize that it is for his child!  That may be one way to open the door for him to get into therapy.

If he would have a custody hearing, it would be advisable to get legal counsel.  Also, make it about the child, and not about  the other parents faults.  It becomes a battle of he said/she said.  A judge does not want to hear parents bashing each other.

Be very careful not to anger the mother.  Do not get in the middle of it. 

I think that both of my grandson's parents are unstable.  On paper, my uBPDd looks like the worst parent, as she has a criminal history in her background.(retail theft; possession of controlled substance; harassment, and DUI.)  He has a clean record.  That is not to say that he is the better parent.  He has a history of beating girlfriends up, but they never press charges.  He has girls spend the night while his son is with him.  My uBPDd yells way too much at my gs. 

My BPDd has 50/50 custody.  They alternate weeks.  I get him, at the very least for one overnight.  Usually, two nights , sometimes three out of the seven that my dd has him.

And, the most important thing I have learned is not to get involved in their squabbles.  Once upon a time, I was in the middle.  I shelled out money for a lawyer, for them to end up with equal shared custody.  I was aiming for my dd to get primary custody.(My then goofy mind was thinking that I would get custody from there)  Her exbf would not agree, and I was not going to spend any more than I already lost.  I think they are both equal as far as parents.  They just have different issues.  And, my gs loves both of his parents.  And, after raising two kids that did not have a father in their life, (my ex-husband's choice), I am thankful that my gs has a dad in his life.

You want to remain neutral in the eyes of your gs mother.

I feel your pain.

peaceplease

[Dibdob59]

 I am struggling to support my son when he dysregulates over this situation.  Can anyone help with this side of the issue please as he is becoming increasingly irrational and angry and I am concerned.  I cannot validate the invalid but feel lame just constantly validating his feelings when he is is so terribly angry (even with just cause).  He is winding himself up day by day and at present is not in any state to seek legal support until he calms down which he seems unable to do.

As I have said before he is obsessed with his ex being at fault and that she needs to change (ie dump her new man).  I have tried discussing with him that he cannot control her behaviour, only his own, but this is not getting through to him and he is spiralling.

Does anyone have any wise mind help with this please?  It is 4am and I am awake with anxiety, adrenaline coursing through my body and feeling so unwell over this myself.  

[qcarolr]

Dibdob59

This is such a difficult, scary and painful place for you to be. The arguing is so hard on our gkids. I know this has really impacted my gd8's behaviors. IMHO, the best course would be for you DS to find some Radical Acceptance of his ex's situation. If he was able to step back and not engage with her, maybe she would calm down when with her son. It is so easy to put the child in the middle.

Would your DS be willing to read any books about children? He is in such a reactive place right now. Don't know what would get his attention, that he needs some help. If you think he would be open to this, perhaps we can make some suggestions.

Maybe if you keep the focus on your gs? Do you have contact with your gs? Is there counseling available through the schools instead of just sending gs home to an unstable situation?

qcr

[Dibdob59]

Qcr, thanks for your reply.

I don't think my son can concentrate on reading at present as he is so depressed/angry/dysregulated.

My son has had no contact with the new school.  When my GS was at kindergarten my son was involved but since he moved up to his new school my UBPDS has been cut out of the loop.  His ex seems to be deliberately inflaming he situation.

His ex is just telling him that his son is being sent home from school and if the behaviour continues they cannot have him in the school at all. There has been no mention of counselling or alternatives.  It makes no sense to me. As the grandmother I am not involved.  When my son tries to be more involved his ex reacts and becomes spiteful, resulting in situations such as we have now. At oresent my GS should be at school all day, every day along with the rest of his class but they will only take him a few mornings a week until he 'proves' he can be good.  My GS understands this and now thinks he is naughty which is so sad and not helping him at all.

Really lost and so scared. I have read all your posts and feel so deeply for your anguish also.

[js friend]

Hi Dibdob59,

I think involving social services at this stage would be helpful as it seems that your son needs an intermediary to mediate between he and his ex. You are perhaps too close to the situation as childs granma.It must be soo difficult to watch your son and gs suffering like this .

But I dont think there is much you can do about calming your ds anger at this stage when he is not willing to listen to anyone. Other than not engaging with her and coming to the realisation that ex is just using him as an emotional, cruch while it suits her.

My dd19 had a SW for a few months because there was an incident of domestic violence between dd and b/f when dd was pregnant. At first it scared her that they were involved and she thought they would take the baby away, but in the end she really worked well with ss her behaviour calmed down a lot after. Do you think that your ds would be willing to speak to someone from ss?

And please try to look after yourself Dibdob. Having periods of continual high stress with no signs of relief isnt good for any of us.

[lbjnltx]

Hello again dibdob,

Helping you cope with this situation and working with you to improve your own emotional stability with the hope that your son can benefit from your hard work is why we are here.

I understand that validating his feelings when they are so intense and relentless seems like little help in such a dire situation. The goal of him being calm enough to  make rational decisions seems out of reach.  Validation may or may not work in helping him to self soothe since the stakes are so very high as are his emotions. 

How you can help create the opportunity for him to move from extreme emotional distress into problem solving mode:

Validate his feelings.

Ask validating questions.

Make SET statements.

Gather resources for him to contact.

Be a calm and stable force for all parties involved.

Take good care of yourself.

These all take skills and skills take time to learn and master.  Have you looked at the workshop on validation?  Do you want to practice making validating statements here with us?

Here is some information to help you understand SET:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth[/b]

Here is some information on taking good care of yourself:

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Think about how difficult it is for you to be calm and focus on problem solving right now.  Your son is in the same place X 100.  His emotions are so intense and overwhelming he cannot think in a reasonable or logical way.  He feels powerless and that is enough to make him angry, add to that his fears for his son. 

Let us know what you would like to work on and we will help.

lbjnltx