Paying for College

[Window Moth]

My daughter has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but when she was 17 two individual counselors told me that she had the signs. I bought the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and began to learn more.

Now she is 23 and about 1.5 years away from graduating from college. In the middle of the fall semester, we found out that she does not qualify for any more student loans. I have been helping her pay for tuition, but I can not afford the private school tuition where she insisted on getting an education.

She wants me to give her an advance payment for spring tuition but is making it rather difficult. She is fighting with me at the same time that she is asking for financial assistance. I want to see her succeed in school, but I DON'T want her to think that her behavior is acceptable. She's getting so mean. No other person in her life would put up with this behavior. I don't know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Window Moth,



This is a rather stressful situation... .I am sorry, you are going through this. It is so hard sometimes, trying to help a child that is sabotaging themselves... .

I am glad that you have found us. This site has great resources on how to communicate with our children in a way that makes it easier on us and also more meaningful for the person with BPD.

My guess is that your daughter is getting very anxious and that is what is driving her behaviors... .

And as people with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, there is also an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think.

There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that we need to master, to be better able to help our child. You mention the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'. That is a great start!

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Window Moth & I'd like to join pessim-optimist in welcoming you to our family. She's given you some great information, and I think it should be very helpful to you in understanding how your daughter's mind works, and how best to deal with it. You also need to take care of you, and the links to the right-hand side of this page (up farther) will be a great read for you... .I'd start at the top with Lesson 1 and work my way down, and read all of the lessons to get the most out of them.

I know how you feel about not wanting to throw good money away when you aren't sure if your daughter will really appreciate or benefit from it. We went through the same thing with our own adult (36) son who was recently diagnosed with BPD. At some point (after he flunked out of 3 colleges!), we realized that until he got the mental health treatments he needed to function better, we had to stop the hamster wheel he was on. Possibly, though, your daughter is doing well in school, and is only lacking the money? If that is the case, I'm not sure what you should do... .If providing the money is harmful to you and/or her, then you'd possibly want to cut it off. It's your call... .

Reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a great book (I read it, too), and there are more that are very helpful, but "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr is like the BPD Bible to me... .It was a great resource and I learned so much! I highly recommend it.

I believe that if you read what you can around here, learn what you can, and post more of your story and ask more questions, it will be possible for you to get out of the confusion and pain you are in right now. We're here for you... .