Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 I was married for 12 years to a very controlling woman.  By her behaviour I am sure she is BPD.  I moved to Australia to be with her from the UK. We had a son together. I did most of the raising of my son whilst my wife was a high flying career woman. We had a lot of arguments but I stayed for my sons sake. He had his own set of problems so I also was left to deal with that on my own with no support. His school thought he had autism so I was back and forth from doctors with no real answers. This caused massive problems as my wife refused to listen to the school and refused to send him to a doctor. I ended up ignoring her and trying to do right by my son, having to spend lots of money trying to figure out what the problem was.

I started to get horrible anxity and felt really down but I carried on for my sons sake. My wife and my son were pretty horrible to me which was very hurtful.

Anyway after about 4 years of arguing I gave my wife a ultimatium to stop nit picking and controlling me and all that did was make her angry. I didnt really want to leave her, it was more a idle threat for her to change but instead She started getting divroce papers ready. After 4 months of what I thought was a hopless battle I just gave up and left.

When I say controlling, I mean she controlled all the money, questioned everything I did, accused me of having affairs, and erupted in anger if I questioned anything she said.

I went back to the UK as I had no family and no support. I struggled for a long time, my ex divorced me then after a few months wanted contact. I did that for my sons sake but then my ex wanted me to come home. I thought that was a dumb idea and tried to move on but I couldnt.

The situation is now 18 months later I want to go home and start over. My wife was pretty mean to me and so was my son but they were my life. My problem is I have terrible anxity. I cant tell my parents or resign from my job. Im to scared to a doctor. Im like a helpless child which is weird as I was such a strong person. My ex wife bought me a ticket in april I couldnt go, Then in may I bought a ticket and got to the airport and couldnt go.

I feel like I am losing my mind. I want to go home but I cant. I did leave her once before about 7 years ago and she got me to come back and it was the same old crap again. Im not a terrible parent. I did everything for my son and he ended up being like her. She had a daughter from a previous marriege that doesnt bother with her, hasnt done since she was about 10. When I was with my ex I always worried my son would end up like the daughter, not a very nice person at all. I fought tooth and nail to stay but in the end it was all to much.

I just really dont know what to do and the anxity is ruining my life. Im pretty sure my ex was BPD. She was always very nice to me when we weren't together like on the phone but at home I seemed to be a target for her moods.

One of the things she does is book and plan trips and pay for me than demand I come back. I dont know where to turn at the moment. Shes demanding every day I come home by the weekend and she wont take no for a answer.

Dumb thing is I want to go but I cant. Id like to know what the cant go back thing is.  Is is like a safety mechanism kicking in or is it just common sense.

[keith99]

 I was married for 12 years to a very controlling woman.  By her behaviour I am sure she is BPD.  I moved to Australia to be with her from the UK. We had a son together. I did most of the raising of my son whilst my wife was a high flying career woman. We had a lot of arguments but I stayed for my sons sake. He had his own set of problems so I also was left to deal with that on my own with no support. His school thought he had autism so I was back and forth from doctors with no real answers. This caused massive problems as my wife refused to listen to the school and refused to send him to a doctor. I ended up ignoring her and trying to do right by my son, having to spend lots of money trying to figure out what the problem was.

I started to get horrible anxity and felt really down but I carried on for my sons sake. My wife and my son were pretty horrible to me which was very hurtful.

Anyway after about 4 years of arguing I gave my wife a ultimatium to stop nit picking and controlling me and all that did was make her angry. I didnt really want to leave her, it was more a idle threat for her to change but instead She started getting divroce papers ready. After 4 months of what I thought was a hopless battle I just gave up and left.

When I say controlling, I mean she controlled all the money, questioned everything I did, accused me of having affairs, and erupted in anger if I questioned anything she said.

I went back to the UK as I had no family and no support. I struggled for a long time, my ex divorced me then after a few months wanted contact. I did that for my sons sake but then my ex wanted me to come home. I thought that was a dumb idea and tried to move on but I couldnt.

The situation is now 18 months later I want to go home and start over. My wife was pretty mean to me and so was my son but they were my life. My problem is I have terrible anxity. I cant tell my parents or resign from my job. Im to scared to a doctor. Im like a helpless child which is weird as I was such a strong person. My ex wife bought me a ticket in april I couldnt go, Then in may I bought a ticket and got to the airport and couldnt go.

I feel like I am losing my mind. I want to go home but I cant. I did leave her once before about 7 years ago and she got me to come back and it was the same old crap again. Im not a terrible parent. I did everything for my son and he ended up being like her. She had a daughter from a previous marriege that doesnt bother with her, hasnt done since she was about 10. When I was with my ex I always worried my son would end up like the daughter, not a very nice person at all. I fought tooth and nail to stay but in the end it was all to much.

I just really dont know what to do and the anxity is ruining my life. Im pretty sure my ex was BPD. She was always very nice to me when we weren't together like on the phone but at home I seemed to be a target for her moods.

One of the things she does is book and plan trips and pay for me than demand I come back. I dont know where to turn at the moment. Shes demanding every day I come home by the weekend and she wont take no for a answer.

Dumb thing is I want to go but I cant. Id like to know what the cant go back thing is.  Is is like a safety mechanism kicking in or is it just common sense.

[Aussie0zborn]

I think that's an inbuilt safety mechanism that prevents you from harming yourself any further. I wish I had it.

Why can't you tell your parents or your doctor about your abuser? "Coming out" is the first step in starting the healing  process.

[Surnia]

Hi keith99

I really feel sorry, living with anxiety and feeling crazy is so hard! 

I agree with Aussie - about both, the sign and coming out.

You did so much for your family, for your son. I think its time for you!

Great you could tell us here, a great first step! 

[Traumatized]

I want to go back too, so you're not the only one. I am suffering from major anxiety and feel like I'm losing my mind I'm in so much pain! And for what?  Just to be abused again?

[keith99]

I have the worst anxity ever and I feel the same, losing my mind.  I miss my son, feels as if part of me died.

[Justadude]

Keith,

I will be your friend.

I too had severe anxiety, but I got it treated with medication. I had my own anxiety issues prior (childhood baggage you know), but in this situation, and your background with the no family/friends sounds similar to me.

I would highly recommend finding a caring doctor both primary and psychology to help you with your troubles. It really does make a world of difference.

Enough is enough.

[keith99]

My ex is very clever and manipulating.  She is really nice to me on the phone but I know deep down its just an act.  She treated me like crap when we were married.  I dont understand why I seem to forget how she treated me and wish to return.  I know its mostly because I miss my son but he treated me like crap as well.  I cant handle anxity.  I seem to be in a worse state than when I was with her.

I left her in 2004 and she managed to lure me back and nothing ever changed.  I feel like a terrible person for leaving my son but what choice did I have.  I only stayed for his sake but it was a waste of time.  She over ruled anything I did with him, I wasnt allowed to take him out or discipline him.  She fed him fast food 7 days a week, despite my protests, even though I cooked him healthy food.

Anytime I raised any objections or wished to talk about things she erupted into a rage and I didnt want my son to live in that kind of environment.

When I finally reached my breaking point I told her if she doesnt change Im leaving.  That seemed to make her even worse and my home life turned into hell.  Instead of trying to work things out she seemed to want to crush me into submission and when that didnt work she got divorce papers.

I dont know why Im letting her get to me or even taking her calls.  Her latest trick is to say that I am gay, thats why I wont come back.  She was very find of making up absurd accusations.

[letmeout]

She was very find of making up absurd accusations.

Why is it that BPD people make up such absurd accusations. My ex did that too, and I swear he believed his own lies. Mine didn't accuse me of being gay, but of sleeping with gay men, and sleeping with everyone else he could think of.

[SeekerofTruth]

Keith,

I relate to much you are saying.  Half of it... .word for word. I see mine now as a black widow high functioning BPD/NPD... .and still have feelings of pining at times, for soo many things.

I came across this video on youtube today and found it very insightful from an integrative - developmental point of view.


"Narcissitic Abuse - How it Occurs & How to Overcome it" 1-3.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg7DtfY8BCk

[letmeout]

Great videos, thanks for posting!

[Ironmanrises]

Keith,

If you go back... .

She will exhibit good behavior... .

Idealization... .

For x period of time.

Once she gets triggered... .

And she will....

She will start exhibiting the bad behavior... .

Again.

And hurt you... .

With far more lethal words... .

With far more lethal actions... .

All specifically aimed... .

At your weaknesses... .

Where the hurt... .

Will be magnified... .

A magnitude more...

Then the previous time.

Keep her away from you.

[eeyore]

could you have your son visit you in the UK?

[numb_buddha]

Keith,

If you go back... .

She will exhibit good behavior... .

Idealization... .

For x period of time.

Once she gets triggered... .

And she will....

She will start exhibiting the bad behavior... .

Again.

And hurt you... .

With far more lethal words... .

With far more lethal actions... .

All specifically aimed... .

At your weaknesses... .

Where the hurt... .

Will be magnified... .

A magnitude more...

Then the previous time.

Keep her away from you.

Truth.

[willtimeheal]

You have to take care of you first. If you want to go back that is fine. On some level we all do and some of us do go back. But before you do get yourself together. I went to the doctor and went on meds. Once on meds I found a great therapist who helped me work through my issues and i got stronger. I see my ex BPD at work everyday and we are in the process of trying to work it out. She tries to pull the blame game and throws accusations at me and in the past it would have worked but now I stand on my own two feet with my head held high and put a stop to it. She knows now that crap doesn't work and she has said to me you have changed. That's right I have. I am no longer the weak pathetic person she could once push around.  If you go back you have to get to that point. It's not about her. It's about you. You can't get on the plane because deep down you known that. Work on yourself. Get strong and then see where the road leads. It takes time and it is the toughest battle you will ever fight but it is worth it.