The worse part is the mixed signals

[CS4Ever]

So the drama continues for me. I'm out of town on business this week and the uBPDw has pretty much ignored me since I've been gone. No contact, no calls, no texts. Nothing. This isn't actually all that big a deal except that I don't hear about the kids. So I've been calling the nanny to get updates, which of course sets the wife off because I'm "bypassing" her.

This is all in the context of her asking me to move out and us openly discussing getting a divorce.

Anyway, yesterday she texts me out of the blue in the middle of the afternoon and is just despondent about how bad her job is and how she cant take it and that something needs to give. She ends the mail with the comment that she's near tears. So I send her a nice reply about how its not her fault and its understandable that she would feel that way (her boss is a real jackass) and that we'll find some way to make things better. I even make the point of saying that I'll help in any way I can regardless of what else is going on with us. I then send her a funny little e-card in text.

I get no reply to all this except for an email later that night complaining about the fact that I donated some money to a charity her niece is involved in and how I need to stop giving money away?

So I call her, no answer. Text her this morning that I wish her day was better. No reply.

On the one hand I kick myself for getting drawn back into this in the first place. On the other, its so odd to have to stop myself from doing the normal things folks do in a relationship. Not to mention all the resentment that builds up on my part as she reaches out and then pulls back almost immediately.

The worse part of the whole thing? I'm now worried she's going to do something crazy like quite her job in the middle of divorce proceedings. As if we don't have enough problems already. 

[Justadude]

I been there man. Not to long ago my ex had an issue. She was being evicted from her apartment for running an illegal, uninsured home daycare. When the apartment owner found out she wanted her out immediately. Rightfully so. My ex took a risk. Well, one day she just dumped this huge issue on me, and I'm like you, I do what a normal person would do, care, offer support and advice. As the problem gets resolved or I wanted more friendship, I get the cold shoulder.

What I've learned is, I have to be aware of what is going on. So for example, when my ex "talks" to me, I have to be aware that it is only to "get" something from me. So this can be as easy as an exchange that says, "hey i hate my life woo is me", then you trade her your support, "it's ok, I understand (validate). But when you push forward there is no response. So then you move on with your life. Maybe date someone, do something with the kids, she gets upset and angry as if she "cares". It's twisted. It's not like she cares. She's ultimately jealous and just wanting to be in control.

With that said, the conclusion of your transaction (at least from my perspective is) she takes, you give, but the exchange is broken, the dance is stopped and you're left wondering why. At least that's how I felt. Given my history, I would often feel like something is "wrong" with me. Like I'm a "bad" person. Like I'm a "failure", but really its just a really sick and heartless person. No sane person with a conscious would treat another person that way. Some people might not "care" or not have the capacity to do nice things in exchange, but they have some form of humanity. It seems like these people tend to not have that capability.

[slimmiller]

With that said, the conclusion of your transaction (at least from my perspective is) she takes, you give, but the exchange is broken, the dance is stopped and you're left wondering why. At least that's how I felt. Given my history, I would often feel like something is "wrong" with me. Like I'm a "bad" person. Like I'm a "failure", but really its just a really sick and heartless person. No sane person with a conscious would treat another person that way. Some people might not "care" or not have the capacity to do nice things in exchange, but they have some form of humanity. It seems like these people tend to not have that capability.

When all pretentions are removed from each human being it boils down to two types of people. Good people that have done bad things (made mistakes, we all do but do we do it on purpose?) Then there are bad people that have done good things (just given and done what they had do to invoke goodness from us).

I find it hard to look at my exBPD and see her as a good person. Whatever good she has done was just an act. She is now the real her since she has effectiveley 'split' me.

Im not trying to be crude . Its seeing it for what it is and being honest about it. I pity her

[CS4Ever]

Perhaps I'm naïve, but I still see my uBPDw as sick rather than as a bad person. Honestly I think she's a quite good person most of the time, what's unfortunate and really tragic is that her poor behavior is inflicted on those she's closest to. But given the amount of pain it causes her, I really have trouble believing there is any sort of conscious choice involved in it. Its literally something she cant help- or at least wont be able to help without a great deal of therapy.

I'm not sure how much of a practical difference that makes for me. But it does allow me to see her in a less bad light most of the time and that's something I hope I always want to do.

I doubt there is much I can do to save my marriage at this point and there is nothing I can do to stop her painting me black and saying its all my fault, but I do hope I can come out of this not hating her- she's the mother of my kids after all and I have to deal with her one way or the other for the next decade or so.

[Siamese Rescue]

I agree with slimmiller.  Every word of it. The mixed signals and the games are just maddening. It will make a sane person crazy, as I have allowed it to happen to me. I whole heartedly agree with the notion of good people who have done bad things versus bad people who have done some good things. I never used to label people or myself in such simple terms, but when I read this I had to agree. It's sometimes easier to swallow the nightmare my life has turned into when I consider him to be mentally ill but I still believe the above post about good people and bad people. There are people who are just snakes. They're intriguing and mesmerizing and they will puncture you with fangs and inject venom into your flesh.  It's so sad.

[myself]

It's pretty much ALL mixed signals.

Starting with the ones they have with themselves.

Disordered (adj.) Being in a condition of confusion or disarray. Physically or mentally ill.

Plus, we become triggers for each other, which doesn't help communication.

[Justadude]

@myself you're hit it. We become triggers for each other which breaks down communication.