Mother & Sister have BPD - stopped me from seeing my niece - appreciate advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I am so glad that I found this site.

I have a mother and younger sister with BPD (my mother is diagnosed but my sister is not) and I am at a loss of what to do: there is just my sister and I. My parents divorced when I was ten and my Dad is now quite ill. I am very lucky in that I have a wonderful and supportive husband and great friends, but there is only so much I can talk to them about. I think as a child of a BPD Mum, I am very wary about emotionally overloading people and tend to try and deal with things on my own: trying hard to find rational explanations and hold the peace within the family, which I think I do to my own detriment.

I am not sure if it is normal for children of a BPD parent, but I tend to continually check all my behaviours and question all my actions. When I was younger, I was very scared that I would have BPD too, and I think my continual checks are a part of this. Is that normal? I spent some time with a wonderful physiologist learning some skills and trying to understand how to deal with their behaviours and how to find a common ground so I can have a relationship with them, but I think the situation is now out of control. And I continually remind myself that I have had a very happy marriage for many years, and friends whom I have held relationships with for well over 20 years too – for some reason this makes me feel better.

My sister has a young daughter – we are very close and I love her dearly. About 2 years ago, my mother was rushed to hospital and my sister didn’t tell me as she had a concert that she ‘had to go to.’ On that day, my husband and I were to go to Mum’s (about 2 hours away) and bring lunch. Unfortunately, I confronted my sister and asked why she did not tell me that mum was rushed to hospital. Since that day, my sister has refused me contact with my niece and refuses to speak to me. My niece’s father has allowed me contact (my sister and her partner are separated), and my niece and I have enjoyed a very happy relationship. Somehow my sister has found out and told my niece that our relatives, including my Mum and Dad, have said that I am a liar and a bully and that she is not to talk to me anymore. 

I so understand what my niece is going through as I went through it when I was a child with my mum. Everyone in our family, including my Dad and step-dads, had done mum wrong. Of course, my niece has now cut off all communications with me and it hurts so much. My sister has also told my niece that I never tried to contact her for her birthday, which is not true and I even have the telephone record for it but haven’t sent it to my niece because I don’t want to cause further angst for her. Lucky her Dad gives me updates, but it still hurts and I just don’t know what to do.  I asked my Mum about it, but she just said that she was taking my sister’s side and that she was not buying into it. She just didn’t care that my niece and I have been hurt by this. Mum even sent me a very hurtful email on Christmas Eve about how I had broken the family up and that I had betrayed my sister by trying to talk to my niece. I just don’t know what to do. If I confront my sister it will only make it worse and I don’t want to cause angst for my niece. 

Basically, our relationships have always been on the grounds where I just don’t make waves and take whatever my Mum or my sister choose to dish out to me. If I stand up for myself there has been long periods where they have refused to talk to me. Whenever there is a happy period in my life, like my wedding, birthdays, Christmases, etc., my Mum and sister do things to try and upset me or try to ruin my relationships in some way. Once, something bad happened to me and I had nowhere to live, so I stayed with my sister and she kicked me out the next day because she couldn’t handle having someone else in her unit. I feel terrible just writing about it because I feel I shouldn’t tell people. My childhood was a roller-coaster and I spent it trying to protect my younger sister from Mum’s erratic behaviour. Sometimes we were left on doorsteps because Mum didn’t want us anymore, sometimes Mum was in hospital because of suicide attempts, on a couple of occasions she tried to kill or badly hurt Dad, it just goes on and on. But I can never talk to Mum about our childhood because her reality is so different. To her, she was the perfect Mum and everyone else was in the wrong.

When I was young, I lived with my grandparents for a while. When my grandfather died, my mother told me that he was a paedophile but I don’t understand if he was, why did I live with him? I want to ask my aunts, but don’t want to upset anyone. And I know he never did anything bad to me.

Both my sister and mum are not in a relationship and both of them don’t have long-term friends. Partners come and go and so do friends -- who are dropped quickly if they disagree or do not do what my sister and mum want them to do.

I know I can't talk to Mum and my sister rationally. My experience has always been that if I say I am hurt or upset by something, or show some sort of emotion, then they tend to make it worse. It is almost like if I am hurt then they want to hurt me more. I just don’t understand the behaviour. Also, I don’t like knowing that my niece is hurting and there is nothing I can do.

I would appreciate any advice or help.

Thank you so much.

[Pam64]

Hi everyone,

I am so glad that I found this site.

I have a mother and younger sister with BPD (my mother is diagnosed but my sister is not) and I am at a loss of what to do: there is just my sister and I. My parents divorced when I was ten and my Dad is now quite ill. I am very lucky in that I have a wonderful and supportive husband and great friends, but there is only so much I can talk to them about. I think as a child of a BPD Mum, I am very wary about emotionally overloading people and tend to try and deal with things on my own: trying hard to find rational explanations and hold the peace within the family, which I think I do to my own detriment.

I am not sure if it is normal for children of a BPD parent, but I tend to continually check all my behaviours and question all my actions. When I was younger, I was very scared that I would have BPD too, and I think my continual checks are a part of this. Is that normal? I spent some time with a wonderful physiologist learning some skills and trying to understand how to deal with their behaviours and how to find a common ground so I can have a relationship with them, but I think the situation is now out of control. And I continually remind myself that I have had a very happy marriage for many years, and friends whom I have held relationships with for well over 20 years too – for some reason this makes me feel better.

My sister has a young daughter – we are very close and I love her dearly. About 2 years ago, my mother was rushed to hospital and my sister didn’t tell me as she had a concert that she ‘had to go to.’ On that day, my husband and I were to go to Mum’s (about 2 hours away) and bring lunch. Unfortunately, I confronted my sister and asked why she did not tell me that mum was rushed to hospital. Since that day, my sister has refused me contact with my niece and refuses to speak to me. My niece’s father has allowed me contact (my sister and her partner are separated), and my niece and I have enjoyed a very happy relationship. Somehow my sister has found out and told my niece that our relatives, including my Mum and Dad, have said that I am a liar and a bully and that she is not to talk to me anymore. 

I so understand what my niece is going through as I went through it when I was a child with my mum. Everyone in our family, including my Dad and step-dads, had done mum wrong. Of course, my niece has now cut off all communications with me and it hurts so much. My sister has also told my niece that I never tried to contact her for her birthday, which is not true and I even have the telephone record for it but haven’t sent it to my niece because I don’t want to cause further angst for her. Lucky her Dad gives me updates, but it still hurts and I just don’t know what to do.  I asked my Mum about it, but she just said that she was taking my sister’s side and that she was not buying into it. She just didn’t care that my niece and I have been hurt by this. Mum even sent me a very hurtful email on Christmas Eve about how I had broken the family up and that I had betrayed my sister by trying to talk to my niece. I just don’t know what to do. If I confront my sister it will only make it worse and I don’t want to cause angst for my niece. 

Basically, our relationships have always been on the grounds where I just don’t make waves and take whatever my Mum or my sister choose to dish out to me. If I stand up for myself there has been long periods where they have refused to talk to me. Whenever there is a happy period in my life, like my wedding, birthdays, Christmases, etc., my Mum and sister do things to try and upset me or try to ruin my relationships in some way. Once, something bad happened to me and I had nowhere to live, so I stayed with my sister and she kicked me out the next day because she couldn’t handle having someone else in her unit. I feel terrible just writing about it because I feel I shouldn’t tell people. My childhood was a roller-coaster and I spent it trying to protect my younger sister from Mum’s erratic behaviour. Sometimes we were left on doorsteps because Mum didn’t want us anymore, sometimes Mum was in hospital because of suicide attempts, on a couple of occasions she tried to kill or badly hurt Dad, it just goes on and on. But I can never talk to Mum about our childhood because her reality is so different. To her, she was the perfect Mum and everyone else was in the wrong.

When I was young, I lived with my grandparents for a while. When my grandfather died, my mother told me that he was a paedophile but I don’t understand if he was, why did I live with him? I want to ask my aunts, but don’t want to upset anyone. And I know he never did anything bad to me.

Both my sister and mum are not in a relationship and both of them don’t have long-term friends. Partners come and go and so do friends -- who are dropped quickly if they disagree or do not do what my sister and mum want them to do.

I know I can't talk to Mum and my sister rationally. My experience has always been that if I say I am hurt or upset by something, or show some sort of emotion, then they tend to make it worse. It is almost like if I am hurt then they want to hurt me more. I just don’t understand the behaviour. Also, I don’t like knowing that my niece is hurting and there is nothing I can do.

I would appreciate any advice or help.

Thank you so much.

[Clearmind]

Hi Pam,

Welcome, I believe it’s very common for us kids to second guess our actions – after all we spent a childhood being put down and devalued – our self worth needs rebuilding and our beliefs about ourselves need some redefining.

As a result of spending a childhood where our needs are negated, as adults we tend to overcompensate and place a lot of pressure on ourselves to always be available. So Pam, I think your feelings and thoughts are completely natural given your upbringing.

If you are conscious of your actions, have a good marriage and friends longer than 5 minutes old it’s unlikely you are BPD.

BPDsis has painted you black and we need to begin the process of accepting our family’s illness and not take it all personally. Unfortunately, your niece and you are caught up in the middle of a big drama triangle.

Karpman Drama Triangle

When there is a drama triangle Pam, the best thing to do is to neutralize it – meaning – we need to step out of the drama and find ways to cope. Any involvement at this stage will only make things worse and escalate it. BPBmom and BPDsis do not have the skills to negotiate.

Boundaries are really important – boundaries protect you however do not change their behaviour. We need to make a stand to protect us. What sort of boundaries have you set in the past Pam?

You speak of moments like when your sis kicked you out and you feel bad telling us – why my friend? Why do you have trouble speaking out about your struggles – we sometimes feel the need to protect abusers!

You could protect your sister when you were young however as an adult BPDsis needs to protect herself now.

Pam, going forward I have a few suggestions:

1.   Begin to work on your identifying your own thought process and process what you can control and what you cant

2.   Begin to really look at the faulty beliefs that you are a carry over from childhood.

3.   Learn to set good boundaries and be mindful that Borderlines don’t necessarily like boundaries but they protect you.

4.   Get a good therapist who is well versed in BPD – they can help you process you childhood and teach you some new coping skills to help you

5.   Learn a good communication tool called SET (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth)

6.   Begin to work on your self worth as an adult

7.   Focus your energy on your immediate family

Take care of you and try to work through your feelings of Obligation towards your sister/Mom

[Pam64]

Hi Clearmind,

Thank you so much for your very wise words and your suggestions - they really gave me so much comfort and ideas to start taking control.

It is ridiculous but I have been so frightened about becoming a Mum because I was scared that BPD would show up in me when I had a baby.  It sits in my sub-conscious and I do need to work on it with someone.  I shall look for a therapist to help. From the research I have done on your site I think BPD starts showing in your teenage life.

Boundaries I have done include phoning once a week only; trying to keep my personal stuff to myself; avoiding visiting too often; trying to be stern or finishing a conversation when I'm being verbally abused or screamed out.

I feel like I should not talk 'ill' about my family - I feel like I am betraying them.  And yet I know that it is not healthy for me to bottle it all up too.  I've always carried the load - whatever happened in the home stayed there even when I stayed with friends or relatives in my childhood. 

Probably others have felt that too where there was an embarrassment about what was happening.  I was about 10 when I knew that the physical and mental abuse and other erratic behaviours werent normal.  My grand-parents didnt act that way to me when I lived with them. I used to stay at friend's house and her Mum was so nice - I remember being so thrilled and surprised that she would make breakfast for her children every morning - it still makes me smile - that warm and loving feeling I had there.  And I remember not wanting my friend to stay at our house.  I was worried that people would find out.

I am off for a week's holiday with my husband and a couple of our friends and their families and am going to take some time sitting on a beech and reflect on my thoughts and rationalise them accordingly.  This always helps me to get stronger too.

Again thank you for your kindness.

Pam

[Pam64]

Hi,

We are enjoying a wonderful week of R&R with friends.  Yesterday I received an email from Mum saying that if I loved my niece then I would leave her alone.  My first 2 days were wonderful and then this email. It just makes me so upset.  Every occasion that I look forward to enjoying is jeopidised by either my sister or Mum. But I do know that my reactions are in my control and I am allowing it to happen.  And then sometimes I just want them to leave me alone so I can be happy. And yet I know that I need to find a way to stop my reactions of hurt and pain - I think this is the key. To see it for what it is. So hard to do. To accept that your Mum and sister just dont want you to be happy or for you to be a part of your niece's life because of their illnesses - this is all payback because I chose to stand up to my sister - so annoying.

I know I will overcome this and am making an appointment to see someone when I get home.  For the next few days I am making a conscious effort to enjoy my holiday with my husband and friends. Am going to work hard to be kind to myself and allow my happiness to be more important than Mum's endevours to sabotage my holiday.

Pam