Adults with BPD Sibs

[audioangel2]

I am just curious, for those of you who have adult siblings with BPD, what do your relationships look like? Are you VLC/NC? Or have you managed to create a workable relationship with them?

[kindsoul]

Hi,

My adult Sib uBPD sister and I are 6 years apart. She is six years older than I. We had little contact prior to my mother's illness, but when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was thrust into my sisters life again in a very stressful and very close situation. It was very very difficult dealing with my grief over my ailing mother and my sister's behavior through the process. She would have outbursts at the hospital where my mother was having chemo, yell at the nurses and techs. (My sister is a nurse and knows it all). It was embarrassing and infuriating on top of all of the other emotions. This was a two year process. My mother did pass away and now I was left to deal with my sister on my own. She was calling me a lot on the phone with all of her problems, rage, negativity and anger. This was another 4 year process. Not until about 2 months ago did I realize that she probably has BPD and found this site. She sent me an out of the blue sucker punch email telling me what a bad sister I am, that I never invite her anywhere, that I write nice things on other people's Facebook posts but not hers... .you get the picture. I have not spoken to her since then and have had very little contact. We will see eachother in Oct. for a family birthday party and I am not looking forward to that. I have been in therapy for 6 years and I'm working with my therapist on my reactivity and ability to set boundaries and we've also been working on some hypnosis techniques to deal with my anxiety around my sister. I would love to be NC with her but for now it's little contact.

[beatup]

   I have an uBPDsis. I have been mostly NC for 5 yrs. there were a few emails exchanged 3 yrs ago when her daughter expressed interest in visiting me(which didn't happen). 2 weeks ago I broke the silence with a request for family tree info that I can only get from her. she did not respond

[Kit kart]

I also am an adult with a BPD sister. I have not been in close contact with her for a couple of years now, although every week or so she will send me hateful texts. I generally don't respond and, if I do respond, it doesn't change anything. I have had to develop very clear boundaries with her for the sake of my sanity. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together. It's usually more difficult around the holidays.

[Trillian]

Hi,

I have an older sister who is uBPD. I cannot go NC with her yet, because we will have to cooperate as our ageing mother gets older. But the day our mother is gone and the estate settled (I'm dreading that process), then I hope to have as little contact with her as I can possibly get away with. As it is, I never call her or contact her unless there is something practical we have to discuss. Unfortunately I cannot avoid inviting her for Christmas, so at the moment I am looking forward to her traditional pre-Christmas tantrum, due in a couple of weeks. Ho ho ho.

[NowhereFast]

I also am an adult with a BPD sister. I have not been in close contact with her for a couple of years now, although every week or so she will send me hateful texts. I generally don't respond and, if I do respond, it doesn't change anything. I have had to develop very clear boundaries with her for the sake of my sanity. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together. It's usually more difficult around the holidays.

Kit kart,

Have you considered blocking her number so that she can't send you nasty texts anymore?  You have every ringtone to protect yourself and not have to tolerate her abuse.  Depending on your provider, you can block her from texting you (if that's her passive aggressive way of lashing out where she can have a one sided argument) but still allow phone calls in case she really needs to reach you for something important. Just a thought.

[Dogwoody]

I too have a BPD sister, two years younger than I. She is diagnosed BPD with paranoia and PTSD.

I am largely NC with my sister. This is technically not too difficult, since we live in two different countries separated by a major ocean, and she hardly ever uses the internet. I have refused to have regular phone contact with her, which she requested. Having her call me regularly is quite simply too dangerous and risky. So I have only the bare minimum contact - I send cards and presents at Christmas and her birthday and a very occasional email in between. 

[Jodi_WG]

I have an uBPD sister (we're grown).  Our relationship is extremely, painfully strained.  At the moment, I'm on her 'freeze-out' list, where she refuses to speak to me, email me back or return phone calls.  Why?  Because she's going through some bad life problems - for which I've been there for her a lot - and then for one minute I tried to very gently tell her about things going on in my life that were problematic.  She immediately told me that I was selfish for talking about myself and that I just 'don't get it' (she says that all the time) and then froze me out.  Again.  *sigh*

I have no clue what Christmas will bring.

[Jodi_WG]

P.S. - she has no relationship with one of my brothers, who drew a line in the sand (boundaries) with her a few years ago and she freaked out and cut him out of her life completely.  She's nice to my other brother for now, because he gave her the most money (he can most afford to).  He just old me in confidence that he's tired of her just using him and he's about to be at the end of his rope with her, too.

[Deb13]

I have a BPD sister - two years younger.  I broke my NC about ten days ago as she called me to "resolve" issues.  When I  called her back it was really about me apologizing. Truly twisted. It used to really bring me to anger - but I finally figured out the power play and demanded peace for myself by not "giving" them any fuel to gossip about.  That is really what she was looking for.  Every now and then (usually around the holidays) she wants to look like a hero to the rest of the family - so, she calls.  This time she attempted to correct me via text messages too. Resolving a 14 year problem via text messaging?  Classic.  I look forward to these opportunities when they contact me so I can tell them that I pray for them.  (I do) They just dont know what to do with that.  Peace in your heart cant help but show on your face and exemplify in your words!  However you can attain it... .get it.   

[MammaMia]

Deb

Just keep reminding yourself that your sister is mentally ill. PwBPD never forget being wronged in their view. 

I do not know what the issue was, but is it worth having no relationship?  Sometimes, we nons have to give an inch to get a mile.  That does not mean you have to take blame for something you have not done.  Often just telling them we can see things from their perspective and letting them know we understand why they might feel the way they do, and that it certainly was not our intent to hurt them,  is all it takes. 

It validates their right to have an opinion and/or feelings about the situation.

No one is right and no one is wrong.  Have you tried this in the past?

[Dogwoody]

I am largely NC with my diagnosed BPD sister, but I do pray for her every single day and send her healing intentions and energies.

[livednlearned]

In the process of divorcing my N/BPDx husband, I learned about BPD. I can see now that my paternal grandmother was hermit/waif BPD, my father seems to be either NPD or is maybe the golden child with many narcissistic traits. My brother is uBPD. My dad seems to be enmeshed with him.

I'm currently NC with my brother, although that seems too strong a word. We just aren't communicating -- there was never anything said, it all just... .ended.

In the next few years, after my custody/legal bills are paid, I want to return home and I'm curious about what that will be like. I want to see what it's like to apply the tools I've learned here, and what it will be like to be around my family with boundaries. Knowing that things might not turn out so well... .My sense is that it will be important for me, and I'll grow and learn, but that setting boundaries won't necessarily go very well. It has never taken much to set my brother and father off. One time, when my brother was raging at me on the phone, and my father was in the room with me, I hung up on uBPD brother. I was 19, I think. My father became enraged   

I'd like the man I'm now dating to see where I grew up and to meet my family. uBPD brother likes to humiliate me, but I don't feel afraid of that anymore. I talked to new guy about it, explained what uBPD bro tends to do, what he says, and new guy validated me    whereas N/BPDx would kind of join in and run with it.

I feel so much stronger now after going through my divorce with N/BPDx. My brother is not as severe as N/BPDx husband, and I feel so much more aware of what I need to do to take care of myself. Like stay in a hotel instead of with family, that way there's a place I can go and regroup. It also feels good dating someone who is supportive (his sister is uBPD), who knows how this goes.

I worry a lot about my nieces, who are 7 and 4. My mother keeps me informed, and it sounds like they are at the early stages of some behavioral issues. I'm so far away, and haven't seen them for over 3 years. It breaks my heart because I know how it feels to live with a pwBPD, as a kid. Lifetime of recovery and healing  :'(

[twister]

I have a younger uBPD sis and we have been NC for the past 4 years.  This is the 4th time in 26 years this has been the case although before it was more VLC than NC.  Recently she put herself in my path at my parents house against my wishes. Nothing really happened, she was testing me, although 4 years ago she was the one who decided to push me and my family out of her life.  Told us we were her fake family.  She is mentally ill and has so far only had a diagnosis of depression but I'm certain she is bipolar and at time she has had temporary psychosis due to stress.  I don't send her any written correspondence either and I unfriended her and her husband on Facebook because of the drama she has caused on that.

[Blondy90]

My experience is quite different to those who have also replied.

Me and my sister are very close. Although she has put us through a hell of a lot as a family, I have as good a relationship with her as I can in light of her having dBPD. It's been a hard struggle though I can tell you. Sometimes I'm the best person in her life and other times she hates me because she's so jealous and resentful.

It took me a really long time to accept that her behaviour was largely down to BPD and I had to learn how to detach myself emotionally from her and avoid serious confrontation. Things got a heck of a lot easier when she moved out and that's when I really started to piece a proper relationship with her. We do go weeks sometimes of not properly talking and she does love to drunkenly call me and rant about how terrible her life is and how she was abused and a lot of other ramblings. I guess I've just desensitised myself to it now. In my mind I could never cut her out. We are too close and I would honestly miss her too much to completely lose contact. I don't put up with her behaviour though. I don't listen to her ramblings and I will be honest with her about my feelings without worrying about how they will affect her.

I can completely understand why non BPs cut out their BPD relatives, it is a lot to put yourselves through and god knows I have made myself ill over her in the past. I guess I have a story of hope though. It may change in the future but for now I do have a relationship with my sister and there is a lot of love between us.

[livednlearned]

My experience is quite different to those who have also replied.

Me and my sister are very close. Although she has put us through a hell of a lot as a family, I have as good a relationship with her as I can in light of her having dBPD. It's been a hard struggle though I can tell you. Sometimes I'm the best person in her life and other times she hates me because she's so jealous and resentful.

It took me a really long time to accept that her behaviour was largely down to BPD and I had to learn how to detach myself emotionally from her and avoid serious confrontation. Things got a heck of a lot easier when she moved out and that's when I really started to piece a proper relationship with her. We do go weeks sometimes of not properly talking and she does love to drunkenly call me and rant about how terrible her life is and how she was abused and a lot of other ramblings. I guess I've just desensitised myself to it now. In my mind I could never cut her out. We are too close and I would honestly miss her too much to completely lose contact. I don't put up with her behaviour though. I don't listen to her ramblings and I will be honest with her about my feelings without worrying about how they will affect her.

I can completely understand why non BPs cut out their BPD relatives, it is a lot to put yourselves through and god knows I have made myself ill over her in the past. I guess I have a story of hope though. It may change in the future but for now I do have a relationship with my sister and there is a lot of love between us.

I would actually like to have a relationship with my brother -- he is my only sibling, and I miss being in contact with my nieces. When he is doing well, he isn't such a bad guy. And I forgive him for the abuse in our childhood and early 20s because no one knew what they were doing, no one understood how severely disordered he was. I've learned a lot of new tools, and I've changed so much too -- I'm curious how it would be to interact with him now. He tends to dysregulate the worst when there are major life events, like marriage, death, funerals, births. Any kind of transition. I worry that the next time I see him will be for a major life event, and won't have a baseline from which to work.

The key for me is that I stay in a hotel while visiting so that I can create a physical boundary in case things escalate. I've never done that before, and I think it makes me symbolically neutral when I visit. Otherwise, he seems me as staying with my parents, as though we are ganging up on him, and then all hell breaks loose.

[Blondy90]

I think it is very possible to have a relationship with him if you want to. My sister is the same. Any serious life event and she falls to pieces and loses control a lot of the time. When we are in a neutral period with the family we get on like a house on fire and she is my best friend sometimes.

The hotel is a brilliant idea. My sister is very jealous that I live in the family home and it does create tension between us. It’s so important to be able to have what I call a ‘bolt hole’ so if things get tense or heated you can just remove yourself from the situation. I find connecting with my sister about mutual likes and experiences really brings us close together. I think there will always be a certain amount of distance between us because of the issues they have surrounding family but me and my sister are close and I think honestly, I’m her only real friend because I understand her and her behaviour.

Forgiveness is key. Once I was able to do that with my sister, it became a whole lot easier to move forward. Sometimes you have to let go of the negativity and bitterness because the only person it hurts is you.

I wish you the best of luck. If your brother is anything like my sister with his BPD then I’m sure he will be elated at being shown a gesture of love or acceptance by you contacting him. Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t work first time either, as long as you are willing I’m sure you can find a way to maintain contact.

[livednlearned]

I think it is very possible to have a relationship with him if you want to. My sister is the same. Any serious life event and she falls to pieces and loses control a lot of the time. When we are in a neutral period with the family we get on like a house on fire and she is my best friend sometimes.

The hotel is a brilliant idea. My sister is very jealous that I live in the family home and it does create tension between us. It’s so important to be able to have what I call a ‘bolt hole’ so if things get tense or heated you can just remove yourself from the situation. I find connecting with my sister about mutual likes and experiences really brings us close together. I think there will always be a certain amount of distance between us because of the issues they have surrounding family but me and my sister are close and I think honestly, I’m her only real friend because I understand her and her behaviour.

Forgiveness is key. Once I was able to do that with my sister, it became a whole lot easier to move forward. Sometimes you have to let go of the negativity and bitterness because the only person it hurts is you.

I wish you the best of luck. If your brother is anything like my sister with his BPD then I’m sure he will be elated at being shown a gesture of love or acceptance by you contacting him. Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t work first time either, as long as you are willing I’m sure you can find a way to maintain contact.

"bolt hole" is awesome 

It's odd, but I find it easier to detach emotionally from my brother, and he was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. It's my dad I'm having a harder time with.

And for the first time in my life, I have a supportive partner, and his sister is high-functioning uBPD, so he sorta knows the drill.

I'm wondering if it might be easier, in some ways, when BPD sufferers have been diagnosed? I wish I could tell my brother, "Hey, you and I have had a rocky relationship. Just want to let you know that I want to spend time with you and be in your life. I also have some hard and fast boundaries about stuff that is different than before. I don't let people call me names, or humiliate or rage at me. When that happens, I remove myself from the situation. I'll still be around, and you can always contact me when things cool off."

It just feels like it would be better to establish and hold boundaries if I made things explicit, but maybe not. 

[Blondy90]

I think it's amazing that you have a partner who understands. One of the worst things having a BPD relation is the feeling of isolation and the lack of understanding because they can put on such a good front. That support is invaluable.

I don't know how I feel about telling them your boundaries. I can see how it would help but I have never told my sister what the boundaries were, I've just enforced them in the situation so she gets the picture. For example, she called me the other week and started going on about my step dad abusing her and how he's this and that and she hopes he dies. I just calmly told her - I'm not talking to you if you are going to be vile. Talk to me when you're in a better place and we'll have a civil discussion. That ended the conversation and she apologised the next day. I guess I prefer to actively enforce boundaries. She's very intelligent and I think she would feel patronised and insulted if I wrote the boundaries out. However, not every one is the same and I think writing them can be therapeutic in a way. If it works for you then go for it, at least you'll both know where you stand.

I think diagnosis helps. We kept getting accused of trying to 'label' my sister but now we know she's BPD we are in a much better position to help and support her and ourselves. She's been able to get useful therapy and understands herself a hell of a lot better.

I would say exactly how you feel. My sister really appreciates honesty and sometimes you have to be straight forward. This is all my opinion of course!

[livednlearned]

I think it's amazing that you have a partner who understands. One of the worst things having a BPD relation is the feeling of isolation and the lack of understanding because they can put on such a good front. That support is invaluable.

I don't know how I feel about telling them your boundaries. I can see how it would help but I have never told my sister what the boundaries were, I've just enforced them in the situation so she gets the picture. For example, she called me the other week and started going on about my step dad abusing her and how he's this and that and she hopes he dies. I just calmly told her - I'm not talking to you if you are going to be vile. Talk to me when you're in a better place and we'll have a civil discussion. That ended the conversation and she apologised the next day. I guess I prefer to actively enforce boundaries. She's very intelligent and I think she would feel patronised and insulted if I wrote the boundaries out. However, not every one is the same and I think writing them can be therapeutic in a way. If it works for you then go for it, at least you'll both know where you stand.

I think diagnosis helps. We kept getting accused of trying to 'label' my sister but now we know she's BPD we are in a much better position to help and support her and ourselves. She's been able to get useful therapy and understands herself a hell of a lot better.

I would say exactly how you feel. My sister really appreciates honesty and sometimes you have to be straight forward. This is all my opinion of course!

I waffle back and forth about stating boundaries ahead of time. I think you're right though -- enforcing the boundaries is probably more important than giving him advance warning. In fact, he would probably test them immediately and then mock me. And try to do that when it was difficult for me to enforce them.

It's hard that my family lives so far away, makes it hard to practice this stuff.

Next summer, I plan to visit, and I think it will be a shock to him that I even have boundaries.

[Blondy90]

The best advice I can give is to be strong. Know your own mind, reinforce your boundaries and be ready to face whatever he throws at you (if anything!). Detach emotionally as much as you can. You might be surprised at how well things go but if they do go badly then at least in your own mind you'll be ready for it and you won't be too badly affected yourself. I think he will be surprised but he'll probably respect your strength and boundaries. I'm not saying it will be easy. It is a constant struggle with my sister but when we get on we really really get on and I am incredibly grateful that she is in my life.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you will be able to have a relationship of some kind with him!

[fundip]

my older brother has BPD but is undiagnosed. He has been tormenting the family, including his 3 young sons. We finally convinced him to go to a dual diagnosis treatment center by setting boundaries (his wife filed for restraining order so he can't contact his sons). We used the restraining order to "force" him to get help. I don't even know if the treatment center will recognize he is BPD, but my father spoke to the therapist to tell her that we know he has BPD. At least he is out of the way during the holidays for now, hopefully they can help him. This is buying us time to find a therapist for my parents and I, so that we can learn how to deal with him. Praying he doesn't walk out of treatment. Taking it day by day.

[MammaMia]

Fundip

You and your family are very brave and it takes a lot of courage to do what you have done to help your brother.

I pray he stays in treatment.  Once therapy kicks in, he will understand why he is there.

Stay strong and God bless.

[Dogwoody]

Even though I'm mostly NC with my diagnosed BPD sister, we do communicate on birthdays, Christmases and major family events. Having found this website only two months ago, I am now trying to use some of the tools it explains. In the short emails I have recently sent to her, I have tried to use the principles of SET. Even though I was not writing about anything problematic or particularly challenging, I have tried to inject my emails with a SET-like mind-set, so to speak. This feels right to me. I have no expectation of anything changing on her side, of course. But on my side I am now freer and less anxious, since I have a clearer picture of what BPD is and have access to some known, definite tools to cope and communicate.

[Anna Butterfly]

I am VLC with my BPDSis.  She has one suicide attempt so far and multiple instances of self-harming behavior in response to enforcing boundaries.  I am physically afraid of her, and my husband and I have taken steps to protect our kids and our home from her in case she shows up unannounced (again).  She uses a telephone like a weapon and after many years of taking it, I have her number blocked for my own sanity.  I would love to have a relationship with her again, but currently that is not possible.

[wkjkek]

Hi,

My adult Sib uBPD sister and I are 6 years apart. She is six years older than I. We had little contact prior to my mother's illness, but when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was thrust into my sisters life again in a very stressful and very close situation. It was very very difficult dealing with my grief over my ailing mother and my sister's behavior through the process. She would have outbursts at the hospital where my mother was having chemo, yell at the nurses and techs. (My sister is a nurse and knows it all). It was embarrassing and infuriating on top of all of the other emotions. This was a two year process. My mother did pass away and now I was left to deal with my sister on my own. She was calling me a lot on the phone with all of her problems, rage, negativity and anger. This was another 4 year process. Not until about 2 months ago did I realize that she probably has BPD and found this site. She sent me an out of the blue sucker punch email telling me what a bad sister I am, that I never invite her anywhere, that I write nice things on other people's Facebook posts but not hers... .you get the picture. I have not spoken to her since then and have had very little contact. We will see eachother in Oct. for a family birthday party and I am not looking forward to that. I have been in therapy for 6 years and I'm working with my therapist on my reactivity and ability to set boundaries and we've also been working on some hypnosis techniques to deal with my anxiety around my sister. I would love to be NC with her but for now it's little contact.

I am in a similar situation with my sister who has elements of BPD and DPD. Our mother is in the final stages of congestive heart failure so it is impossible not to have contact with my sister at times. Luckily, in some ways, she does very little to help my parents so I don't run into her too often. Who knew that her selfishness and self absorption could come in handy at times?  In a situation where one is losing a very loved family member, having a sibling like my younger sister really complicates everything. The way she carries on, one would think that she is really close to mom but in reality they have had a tumultuous (at best) relationship over the years. The hypocrisy really gets to me. She has said things to our mother that are cruel and beyond my understanding-we have the most fabulous parents and she has never shown gratitude or thoughtfulness towards them. The thought of having to deal with her when our parents are no long around is nauseating. I have lost all interest in trying to form a relationship with her outside the one we have now. I rarely see her except at family functions and that is all I can tolerate.

[Dogwoody]

Whew! 

That is a big sigh of relief because, finally, I did receive the Christmas card that my diagnosed BPD sister sent to me. The relief is that now I do NOT have to announce to her that her card (with enclosed small gift) never arrived. Bear in mind that she sent it to me from California and I am in south India staying in a guest house in a fairly rural area. My sister might have imagined lots of things, since she also has diagnosed paranoia and PTSD. My sister made a big point of sending the card to me for arrival EXACTLY ON Christmas day (I am sure many of you out there are familiar with that kind of precision-mindedness). As it turned out I was away from my guest house, staying for Christmas in an even more rural and remote place, which I did not tell my sister about in order to spare her the anxiety about travel risks etc etc. The card arrived at my main guest house and was lost for a few days in the clutter of my guest house manager's office. I was becoming somewhat concerned that I would eventually have to tell my sister that I never got her card and gift.

But today, New Year's Day, my guest house manager finally delivered the card to me! Now I can write to my sister and thank her. I am very truly grateful.  

[livednlearned]

Even though I'm mostly NC with my diagnosed BPD sister, we do communicate on birthdays, Christmases and major family events. Having found this website only two months ago, I am now trying to use some of the tools it explains. In the short emails I have recently sent to her, I have tried to use the principles of SET. Even though I was not writing about anything problematic or particularly challenging, I have tried to inject my emails with a SET-like mind-set, so to speak. This feels right to me. I have no expectation of anything changing on her side, of course. But on my side I am now freer and less anxious, since I have a clearer picture of what BPD is and have access to some known, definite tools to cope and communicate.

I'd like to be able to do the same, Dogwoody. I'm planning to re-appear in my family's world (in contact with my mom, but no contact from my uBPD brother or N-traits dad) this year, and am trying to learn what I can about S.E.T. and DEARMAN to help with re-entry. I'm in a much better place than I've ever been, and think that radical acceptance and good boundaries, plus SET and DEARMAN, will make a huge difference. And I don't expect them to change, either, but the dynamic will probably change. I've never had boundaries around them before, so that will be new.

When will you return from India and see your BPDsis again? Do you feel that SET is working in your letters?

[Dogwoody]

Hi Livednlearned,

To answer your question, I probably will not see my sister for at least another year since she and I live very far away from each other, even after I return from India. I do not expect her to change as a result of anything I have learned on this site, but I feel much better within myself as I now have a much clearer idea of what BPD is and an introduction to some tools to deal with it.

[Starrynite]

I too have a sister who is dBPD. For years my family and I have walked on eggshells. Every once in a while if we spent too much time together there would be a drama scene. A couple years ago we  had another blow out; she was nasty to me, I stood up for myself about it and then the sh** hit the fan. She cut me out of her life and told me how horrible I was. Then she let me back later. Did that back and forth a couple times. Last spring I tried so very graciously to move forward but that lead to death threats. A few weeks later I went NC.

This past christmas I was preparing to have to face her because family was getting together (no one has taken sides, but they walk on eggshells and do not face her disorder head on-but that's a whole other story). In the process of preparing myself I learned a great deal about BPD-more than I ever learned before. Luckily I did not have to face her. I was not ready.

I did have a short correspondence with her yesterday (still trying to heal and move forward with her) and used 'validation and boundary setting'. I'd never done this before and it was like the angels sang from the heavens above when she responded.

We are still pretty much NC and I do not forsee us ever being the sisters we once were-last spring changed that; I should add that we were never really close anyway. We are so different, and her disorder (I think) facilitates the breakdown.