Argh mixed feelings

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've had an on-off relationship with a borderline for a year

We broke up about two months ago, and since then he has alternated between sending nasty angry messages, talking to me in a half-friendly but stil kind of angry sarcastic manner, and ignoring me altogether.

Now he has suddenly decided to tell me that he's in love with me and wants a future with me, that I supposedly really hurt him but he forgives me, and is demanding an answer about whether i want to get back together.

I have such mixed feelings about this. When he's not around I get so depressed and miss him so much. I love him. When I'm with him I have a certain sense of fulfillment. But he also overwhelms me with the level of anger he shows all the time.

When I think of a future without him it seems empty and boring and like i would miss him so much.

When I think of a future with him I get overwhelmed with feelings of panic and feeling trapped.

Ideally i would like to have him in my life but in moderate doses, still have some distance, not have him as a boyfriend but as someone i see as often as i can handle it, spend time with and feel love for. But he won't give me that option, it's all or nothing with him.

I'm panicked, i don't know what to do, i hate the idea of losing him forever, but i feel so trapped by the idea of being stuck with him and his tantrums as well.

At times I've tried to indicate to him that I think he needs therapy, but he doesn't take this suggestion very well, accuses me of blaming him for things and denies he has a problem.

[Violista]

I've had an on-off relationship with a borderline for a year

We broke up about two months ago, and since then he has alternated between sending nasty angry messages, talking to me in a half-friendly but stil kind of angry sarcastic manner, and ignoring me altogether.

Now he has suddenly decided to tell me that he's in love with me and wants a future with me, that I supposedly really hurt him but he forgives me, and is demanding an answer about whether i want to get back together.

I have such mixed feelings about this. When he's not around I get so depressed and miss him so much. I love him. When I'm with him I have a certain sense of fulfillment. But he also overwhelms me with the level of anger he shows all the time.

When I think of a future without him it seems empty and boring and like i would miss him so much.

When I think of a future with him I get overwhelmed with feelings of panic and feeling trapped.

Ideally i would like to have him in my life but in moderate doses, still have some distance, not have him as a boyfriend but as someone i see as often as i can handle it, spend time with and feel love for. But he won't give me that option, it's all or nothing with him.

I'm panicked, i don't know what to do, i hate the idea of losing him forever, but i feel so trapped by the idea of being stuck with him and his tantrums as well.

At times I've tried to indicate to him that I think he needs therapy, but he doesn't take this suggestion very well, accuses me of blaming him for things and denies he has a problem.

[Aussie0zborn]

I understand your dilemma. We've all been there and its damn painful, isnt it?

If you decide to stay with him this will be ongoing. It's a wild roller coaster ride that knows no bounds and we think that with the bond that we share we can make everything OK.  The fact is that we cant and so there is a lot of personal sacrifice involved. This means never really having your needs met and you feel an empty void inside of yourself. This is worse than the anxiety separation you might be feeling right now.

A Therapist experienced with BPD can help guide you through it. The resources here will help too. Take a look at the L3 board ":)ivorce and Custody" here to see how it ends. 

[Inside]

Ozzie summed that up so well... .I’ve little to add …but won’t let that stop me.  In my 50’s, with an uBPDgf in her 40’s …it never ends.  Their behavior is like a drug, addictive and includes enormous mood swings, which of course tow you along.  Read as much as you can around here, but concentrate on the negative, it’s never far away, always painful, and inevitable… 

I’ve noticed they don’t make good friends, either.  It’s either all – or nothing, with them.  Not to say they won’t and don’t keep a stable of so-called ‘friends,’ if mainly for replacement purposes …as they know you’ll ultimately break up (if again & again).

Fatherly advice: move on, and keep moving.  You do not want BPD in your gene pool.  You do not want to throw away years of your life waiting for someone to grow up; they can’t.  And as Ozzie suggested, read carefully how such relationships end. And most of all – do as I say, not as I do

My now adult daughters constantly warn me off ‘mine,’ describing her behavior as that of a Middleschooler…  need I say more?