are you obsessed with looking for contact?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

i check f/b and both my phone atleast 50 times a day to see if ex contacted me! just wondering if other do this?

[simplyasiam]

i check f/b and both my phone atleast 50 times a day to see if ex contacted me! just wondering if other do this?

[strikeforce]

I think you'll find that most do this, its very common wanting contact again.

I like getting contact so I can just ignore her.

[simplyasiam]

i refused contact for a month then told her i had set bounderaiers for us having contact, shes never replied to that. wow has it kick me in the azz as far as the way i feel

[strikeforce]

When was the last you had contact?

[simplyasiam]

10 days ago

[strikeforce]

Think of yourself lucky, mine cant go a day without texting, even when we split up for 2 months before she text every day asking how I was and wanting to talk.

[simplyasiam]

i hope the boundaries puts an end to this one way or the other. maybe shes seeing she cant live up to the the things i needed and she is going to let me go for good or maybe she just doesnt want to be with me again.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I was doing the 50-times-a-day checking but with the support of friends and therapist I've sabotaged my abilities to do that.

Blocked on Facebook, old messaging discussion now moved to 'archive' so that it is not visible.

Email filter set up so no email arrives in my Inbox; they are diverted to a folder which is not listed in my email-screen. I have to go look for it, a total of four different clicks or scrolls... .at present, I check that several times a day but if I haven't got that down to once a day by next Friday then the filter will change so any incoming email is forwarded to a friend so I never see it at all as it is never IN my email... .the friend will let me know if any email arrives and we can then discuss whether or not she tells me what is in it. The reason for not just blocking emails is that in the unlikely event they get threatening, it's better to know.

My mobile phone (cellphone) is too old to block calls, but I've learnt how to check who a text is from before opening it, so I can decide whether or not.

At present my ex has split me black, so there's been no contact since Monday's angry "I hate you" messages, but I expect at some point he'll make efforts, once the replacement fails... .he won't get any replies... .NC permanently.


I've found that NC and preventing myself from easy checking has really helped me start to accept and move on. It's still tough, but I'm making progress daily.

[Hazelrah]

My feelings on the subject are complicated.  Although my W is gone and I still love her and hold out some faint hope for reconciliation, I find myself a nervous wreck when I see she has contacted me via e-mail or text--her communication has turned angry for no apparent reason, and messages mainly consist of her telling me why she holds resentment towards me, or they concern financial matters (i.e., she demands I support her while she shacks up with a recycled boyfriend).  There has been NC for a few weeks, which is actually a welcome relief, despite the fact I miss her very much.  Still sorting through this tangled web of emotions... .and still confused why she is so angry with me--if she is so set in her mind that she wants a divorce, I'd expect she'd have reached some level of peace or clarity with the decision.

[Tricky]

Hi simplyasiam. You recommended this site to me on MDJunction, where I was trickyone. Thankyou, it has been really helpful already. I posted an introduction yesterday and have had several helpful and thought provoking replies. Feeling so much less isolated in my experience.

Re contact - I have set up a ring of steel around myself to keep my ex and her influence at arms length whilst I try to recover from the past 4 years. I have deleted every text unread from the start, mostly after a major panic and over reaction. 2 weeks ago I informed her family, 'close' friends, and her psychiatric team that I wanted no contact and asked them to help that happen. They all seem to have some sympathy for my situation, and all direct contact from her stopped. She did then manically start contacting certain of my friends instead, but they censored information and protected me. For me any contact or info = DANGER.

It's hard to do, but I feel that knowing nothing, hearing nothing and being in control of any contact gives me the space to deal with the past because the present isn't filled with her. I can't help but hear some things, and imagine what she might be thinking and saying. But that's a bad place to be in - no news is good news for me, another day without an emotional bomb is good. I'm not afraid anymore to check my phone. If I get any more texts from her I will delete them, knowing that there would be nothing positive in there for me, no matter how curious I feel. That's a good feeling even if it's only a small thing.

[hopealways]

Trust me, every day of no contact is a day closer to you healing.  Keep running and do not check anything that reminds you of her. I have even stopped contact with mutual friends because I do not want to hear anything about her and it has helped tremendously.  Remember, you can heal - she never will.

[Emelie Emelie]

I used to.  Part of it was habit... .because we'd "talk" via text all day.  Then part of it was longing.  But after a while... .not so much.  In fact I missed several "missed" calls from him because I stopped checking my phone obsessively.  It gets better.

[Justadude]

im obsessed with rationalizing myself via e-mail or text to her, its the only channel i have to really communicate with my baby maammma... .when i text her its usually brief and annoying and i always get triggered by our contact when i hear her head talking in the text. i have no real communication in person with her. most of the time i want to slice my head off when i hear her talk.

this makes me hate digital communication because it just keeps us linked unnecessarily. i guess its the dark side of digital communication of always being, "connected".

[fiddlestix]

I do not check obsessively anymore.  She seems to have taken the hint and has been quiet.  But I do "secretly" hope she will text.  Then I feel she still has me on her mind, at least a little (no doubt to feed her own ego).  And, texts from her may provide further "proof" that she is following the predictable "BPD script."  I pray that one day I will not give a crap either way. 

Fiddlestix

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I do not check obsessively anymore.  She seems to have taken the hint and has been quiet.  But I do "secretly" hope she will text.  Then I feel she still has me on her mind, at least a little (no doubt to feed her own ego).  And, texts from her may provide further "proof" that she is following the predictable "BPD script."  I pray that one day I will not give a crap either way. 

Fiddlestix

Exceptionally honest, exceptionally insightful and, er, ahem, exceptionally how I feel... .

The longer the silence, the healthier we get. That seems clear from everyone in here who is further along than I am on the path. Looking at those of you who are more free, more detached, more able to look after yourselves - you all have had No Contact for longer than I have, and it seems to be helping you.

So, thankyou for your posting, all of you, because it really helps those of us coming up behind you uncertainly and fearfully and still shocked and reeling!

[snappafcw]

Yeah a little I have to admit i'm a bit obsessed with checking my email for some reason its the only form of contact if I do get any from her that isn't a negative trigger. I couldn't handle seeing her on Facebook or instagram ect so she is blocked accordingly... .

[Afool]

Man, it's all I think about. My exBPD and I were practically best friends before we became intimate. It's part of the reason why I have such a hard time forgetting all that. But you have to be honest with yourself, although they are damaged, you still want to feel your needs. I left my exBPD and she doesn't want contact with me. I have to respect it, and you are going to want to, because if she is not giving you lovey dovey BS, she is going to make you feel like the worst person in the world. I'm an addict by nature, I have trouble with obsessions. FB is the worst, you are gonna have a few days, she will post something subliminal. Perfect example "If you are looking for love or comfort, look for it within because everyone only loves the exterior." My friend sent this to me, she posted this today, so now I'm thinking: Is this about me? Did she think I only loved her exterior? Is her new guy to blame? Does she want me back? Do I want her back. You see what I'm getting at? Save yourself the racing thoughts. Delete, block, move forward.

[Ironmanrises]

To help with this... .

I actually permanently closed my facebook/instagram.

I know not all of you have this option... .

I get that.

But for those of you who do... .

It is something to think about.

First... .

I know nothing at all... .

Of what my exUBPDgf is doing and what not.

That in itself... .

Is anxiety freeing.

It helps.

Doesn't cure the hurt... .

Lessens it at least.

Second... .

She knows nothing at all... .

Of what i am doing.

She stalked me in NC after she left me first time.

Where did she stalk me... .?

And how... .?

On facebook and instagram... .

Via alternate accounts.

It actually gave her the further impetus... .

To reach out to me.

(She sent me screen shots of things... .

I was posting on facebook on a public page... .

When she came back to me the second time... .

It is how she provoked me into responding/ breaking my NC)... .

Yes... .

She was constantly keeping track of me... .

After telling me... .

"My feelings for you are an illusion... ." (in first discard)... .

It is why i am so afraid of her contacting me again.

Third... .

You are not exposing yourself... .

To the crippling facade... .

(Their so called happiness that they advertise in the aftermath)... ,

That you know is untrue... .

But so intoxicating... .

That you almost make yourself... .

Believe that it is true.

That is a mind warp... .

Unparalleled.

Constant exposure to that... .

Will taint you.

You dont need that.