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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Could BPD cause this much hate?  (Read 3623 times)
swimjim
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« on: October 16, 2013, 04:42:16 PM »

My exBPDgf moved 3000 miles to my hometown to pursue a relationship with me. I told her not to because  it would be too much of a burden on me feeling it might not work and she went throug all the trouble to move next to me. Well, she said for me not to worry. She moved anyway. Within 5 months she is giving me a marriage ultimatum.  She idealized me and said I was the love of her life. My gut instinct told me that she was more obsessed with marriage than loving me. I tried to get us into couples counseling but she said we did not need it and that the only issue she fights me about is not having a ring. After many months of turmoil, she splits me black and seduces my ex best friend and does a smear campaign against me. I try to win her back from him by finally buying her the ring she always wanted. Next thing I know, she has the police call me to tell me to leave her alone. I start no contact and abide by the police order and then a week later she slaps me with a restraining order. The hearing does not appear until 2 months later. I maintained no contact but she tried contacting me so I would violate the restraining order. She was vindictive during the hearing but the judge through out the restraining order because I was able to prove her lies. I was vindicated and have my integrity restored but I am still in shock that she would go to this much trouble to hurt me. She is no longer with my ex friend but now has some other guy move in with her. I am devistated that she would do this. Anyone experience this much hate?         
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2013, 04:51:14 PM »

I know it's very difficult to do, but don't take it personally.  BPD is a complex disorder, and the hatred you're experiencing includes most likely her shame and self hatred projected onto you, the push/pull dynamics of the disorder, and the black and white thinking of that pathology.  Truth is there are many things going on in her head you know nothing about, it's not about you in the end, and no rational thought will make sense of it.  Getting emotionally enmeshed with someone with the disorder is extremely painful and crazy making, and the best you can do is stay NC, focus on your part in the proceedings, specifically why you let her get away with anything you did and what red flags you ignored, stay here and talk, and focus on a future without her.  Healing takes time, but it can be a great opportunity for growth, and you may find one day you have compassion for her.  Take care of you.
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Waifed
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« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2013, 08:27:26 PM »

Mine called the police after I left her.  i suggested that she had BPD and offered to pay for her T.  The next day I get a call from the Police.  I never expected this at all.  Being a Waif she was always so quiet and reserved.  i guess I found the button that triggered her to whip out the black paint... .
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swimjim
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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2013, 09:43:45 PM »

I never got a chance to pick her brain to find out why she would resort to law enforcement and the legal system to get me in trouble. Once she got the police invoked, I never spoke to her again. I wanted to know how she could rationalize what she did. She knew I would never be a threat. I got no closure and she has no empathy. I wrestle with so much guilt for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. Something tells me the ring would not have been enough after she got it. Would there always be something else?
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Bananas
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« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2013, 09:53:15 PM »

I know it's very difficult to do, but don't take it personally.  BPD is a complex disorder, and the hatred you're experiencing includes most likely her shame and self hatred projected onto you, the push/pull dynamics of the disorder, and the black and white thinking of that pathology.  Truth is there are many things going on in her head you know nothing about, it's not about you in the end, and no rational thought will make sense of it.  Getting emotionally enmeshed with someone with the disorder is extremely painful and crazy making, and the best you can do is stay NC, focus on your part in the proceedings, specifically why you let her get away with anything you did and what red flags you ignored, stay here and talk, and focus on a future without her.  Healing takes time, but it can be a great opportunity for growth, and you may find one day you have compassion for her.  Take care of you.

I would agree with this.  I am pretty much NC with my ex but we work together so I still see him.  We do not talk to each other with the exception of work related email which fortunately is few and far between. 

If I had to describe the look on his face and his body language when he passes by me in the hall it is not one of hatred but of shame. 
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ThanksForPlaying
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« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2013, 10:02:49 PM »

Something tells me the ring would not have been enough after she got it. Would there always be something else?

There would always be something else.

My dBPDxw wanted the ring and got it.  Then wanted to quit her job (I said whatever makes you happy, I'll support you). Then wanted to move to a different city (we did). Then wanted a dog (by this point I said that's fine but let's work on our relationship before we get a dog - we were already having problems). Then she wanted a house instead of an apartment (I bought a house).

Then a week after we moved in, she got drunk and puked on the floor, making a stain on the new carpet.  Then a couple days later she threw a shoe at me and put a big skid mark on the new wall paint.  Then about a week after that, two weeks after we moved into her dream house, she moved out to live with a friend and never came back.

It's just an empty black hole that love and rings and houses can't fill, and when they realize that, it freaks them out and they leave.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2013, 11:05:33 PM »

The hate is not hate towards you its self hate. BPD is a shame disorder – these feelings of self hate and shame are directed towards you (projection!) because she cannot self soothe. Now is the time to find some self soothing techniques for yourself.

There are reasons why we take projection personally. It usually stems around our own lack of self worth. If we have worth what someone does or says should be put into perspective – a person who has worth would not involve themselves in a BPD relationship.

Swim, accept that she is who she is and you cannot change her. Look at the actions my friend. She is not healthy, the relationship was not healthy.

Let go of the idea of who you think she is - rethink your perception and expectations. Having expectations on anyone rather than looking at the actions is a recipe for disaster - you will forever be disappointed in her, in you and others if you carry expectations (hold judgment) on how someone should be.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2013, 11:40:09 PM »

I know it's very difficult to do, but don't take it personally.  BPD is a complex disorder, and the hatred you're experiencing includes most likely her shame and self hatred projected onto you, the push/pull dynamics of the disorder, and the black and white thinking of that pathology.  Truth is there are many things going on in her head you know nothing about, it's not about you in the end, and no rational thought will make sense of it.  Getting emotionally enmeshed with someone with the disorder is extremely painful and crazy making, and the best you can do is stay NC, focus on your part in the proceedings, specifically why you let her get away with anything you did and what red flags you ignored, stay here and talk, and focus on a future without her.  Healing takes time, but it can be a great opportunity for growth, and you may find one day you have compassion for her.  Take care of you.

Spot on fromheel.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2013, 11:48:31 PM »

My exBPDgf moved 3000 miles to my hometown to pursue a relationship with me. I told her not to because  it would be too much of a burden on me feeling it might not work and she went throug all the trouble to move next to me. Well, she said for me not to worry. She moved anyway. Within 5 months she is giving me a marriage ultimatum.  She idealized me and said I was the love of her life. My gut instinct told me that she was more obsessed with marriage than loving me. I tried to get us into couples counseling but she said we did not need it and that the only issue she fights me about is not having a ring. After many months of turmoil, she splits me black and seduces my ex best friend and does a smear campaign against me. I try to win her back from him by finally buying her the ring she always wanted. Next thing I know, she has the police call me to tell me to leave her alone. I start no contact and abide by the police order and then a week later she slaps me with a restraining order. The hearing does not appear until 2 months later. I maintained no contact but she tried contacting me so I would violate the restraining order. She was vindictive during the hearing but the judge through out the restraining order because I was able to prove her lies. I was vindicated and have my integrity restored but I am still in shock that she would go to this much trouble to hurt me. She is no longer with my ex friend but now has some other guy move in with her. I am devistated that she would do this. Anyone experience this much hate?         

In bold.

Yes.

Every single one of us... .

On here.

In one form or another.

I know it hurts to undergo that.

Believe me... .

I do.

Hurts beyond.

They project that... .

To those closest to them... .

Us.

You.

Me.

And that projection... .

Is like missiles... .

Launched... .

In barrages... .

All aimed... .

At us.

At you.

At me.

The one closest to them.

Missile... .

After... .

F¥cking missile.

Sure... .

We can knock them down... .

With our Close in Weapon Systems(CIWS)... .

Self defense guns... .

Meant to protect us... .

As a last ditch measure... .

From those missiles.

But... .

Over time... .

Those missiles... .

Are launched... .

In such numbers... .

And such lethality... .

And our CIWS guns... .

Only have so much ammo in them... .

That once... .

One of them makes it through... .

And your guns run out of ammo... .

Then they all... .

Make it through.

And that... .

Is the rain of fire... .

Of hate... .

That... .

The non... .

Will experience... .

While in... .

Hell on earth.

With someone... .

With BPD.

Hang in there.
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2013, 06:29:08 AM »

I wrestle with so much guilt for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. Something tells me the ring would not have been enough after she got it. Would there always be something else?

You must be new to this. You should be thanking you lucky stars you DIDN'T get her a ring.  That ring would have been a bullet with your name on it. Everything changes after they get the ring... .for the worse. You'll read that many times here. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Just feel lucky because you're a VERY LUCKY MAN.

After the ring the "something else" comes out. The demands are bigger, stronger and bolder.  You get smaller, weaker and then she steps on you.

Clearmind explained it well.  I wish I had your luck. Lucky Man, O Lucky Man.
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Century2012
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« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2013, 08:05:09 AM »

Oh gosh! I got some of that "restraining order" threats.

Mine rebounded the same day as our b/u. I couldn't help but check her out online. And I see this mug shot of her for being arrested for trafficking meth! So I mention it to a friend. And that friend mentioned it to him. Basically saying, "dude, what is the scoop on the new girl?"

So now I am harassing him? Right. He way down-graded and everybody knows it. I still have all the call records of him calling ME! And texting me. AFTER he married rebound girl only 4 months after our break up.

And her 100+ texts sharing her life story with me so I won't think she is (her words) your typical prison drug girl.

He knows he is stupid to have married her and that people don't approve. They didn't even have a wedding. Just a multiple court house thing. And she hasn't even told her family yet.

I am so sorry swimjim ... .law enforcement intervention! That is complete insanity. I don't know what to say. That is the meanest of mean. I am glad the judge threw it out. Or else it would be on your record.

It fills me with such hate that they would be that hurtful. Hugs to you ... .I don't know how to get past that.

But if my ex even thinks about taking me to court ... .I not only have his contacts with me, I have his texts with his ex-wife (the woman before me). She sent them to me right after she blocked him. She was basically saying "aren't you glad" we are both past tense with this guy. So know he has two against one. And new wifey will not be happy that he is contacting his former wife with lovey dovey messages or calling me at 7:30 in the morning after he and new wife had a fight the previous evening!
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swimjim
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« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2013, 10:17:14 AM »

Thank you for all your helpful responses.So projection is what it is all about. It is hard not to take it personally. The humiliation, embarrassment, and broken heart from someone I thought really loved me. On top of that, picking my ex best friend and throwing that in my face. The pain is beyond explaining. In their own distorted mind, they can rationalize what they have done since there is no empathy. How I got pulled into this mess and let it go on as long as I did is my mystery. What goes on in her head is even a bigger mystery. 
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2013, 10:48:30 AM »

The humiliation, embarrassment, and broken heart from someone I thought really loved me.

Everyone projects; you might discover in time that the person you thought really loved you doesn't exist, and it was your projection of your good and what you wanted her to be onto her that really loved you, which, when you think about it, was you loving yourself.  Hmmm... .

How I got pulled into this mess and let it go on as long as I did is my mystery. What goes on in her head is even a bigger mystery.  

Yes!  "How I got pulled into this mess and let it go on as long as I did is my mystery".  :)igging into that looking for answers is a great opportunity for growth, one gift of a BPD experience.  What goes on in her head should be a lower priority as you detach, focus on you, but the pathology that is BPD is fascinating to study, it will warp your brain, as long as you can look at it from a detached perspective, otherwise you'll be trying to make rational sense of it as it applies to you, which is craztmaking.
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swimjim
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« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2013, 12:15:03 PM »

If we redirect the focus on ourselves, we have to go back to our childhood upbringing to find out how we became passive, codependent, people pleasers, rescuers. Could it be the simple experience of having your parent scold you by saying "You better stop acting out or Ill give you something real to cry about"? I remember working for a tyrrant during college summer break. He was abusive and he was my fathers best friend. He would scold me for things I did not even do wrong. I used to take it to heart. My father would tell me, "You need to let the criticism roll off your back like water.Man up! Grow up!". I felt that my dad's best friend did not like me for whatever reason. I was always nice to him. Is it these kind of early experiences that shape our own self worth and why we get involved with borderlines? What about a drill sardeant in the military? Some may say that is a form of abuse. Is this what we need to focus on?
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2013, 01:28:26 PM »

If we redirect the focus on ourselves, we have to go back to our childhood upbringing to find out how we became passive, codependent, people pleasers, rescuers. Could it be the simple experience of having your parent scold you by saying "You better stop acting out or Ill give you something real to cry about"? I remember working for a tyrrant during college summer break. He was abusive and he was my fathers best friend. He would scold me for things I did not even do wrong. I used to take it to heart. My father would tell me, "You need to let the criticism roll off your back like water.Man up! Grow up!". I felt that my dad's best friend did not like me for whatever reason. I was always nice to him. Is it these kind of early experiences that shape our own self worth and why we get involved with borderlines? What about a drill sardeant in the military? Some may say that is a form of abuse. Is this what we need to focus on?

That's the gift we get from our BPD ex, maybe the only one, so let's run with it.  BPD is an attachment disorder, and a person with the disorder MUST attach to someone to feel whole; they do it by busting through our boundaries to assimilate our good as their own, and once there, are very good at shining a spotlight on any areas that still need work.  Of course it's a dysfunctional relationship, so we need to weed through the crap to see what's real for us, which takes time.  But what an opportunity!  Having someone who is extremely good at worming their way into our psyche give us some feedback, and we get to take what we need and leave the rest.

One viewpoint is that a BPD has great radar and will find folks with dark childhoods that are repressed, and move in parasitically to take advantage.  Another veiwpoint is that someone who is kindhearted, a little naive, and looking to build true intimacy goes into a relationship with clear eyes and an open heart, and ends up getting screwed because surprise! the person they fell for has a serious mental illness that didn't show up until later.  I consider myself somewhere between those two extremes, and honestly my BPD experience was traumatic but relatively short lived, it didn't take long for me to tire of her crap.  But again, what an opportunity!  :)riven by pain to better ourselves, let's use it!
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DownandOut
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« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2013, 01:53:43 PM »

If we redirect the focus on ourselves, we have to go back to our childhood upbringing to find out how we became passive, codependent, people pleasers, rescuers. Could it be the simple experience of having your parent scold you by saying "You better stop acting out or Ill give you something real to cry about"? I remember working for a tyrrant during college summer break. He was abusive and he was my fathers best friend. He would scold me for things I did not even do wrong. I used to take it to heart. My father would tell me, "You need to let the criticism roll off your back like water.Man up! Grow up!". I felt that my dad's best friend did not like me for whatever reason. I was always nice to him. Is it these kind of early experiences that shape our own self worth and why we get involved with borderlines? What about a drill sardeant in the military? Some may say that is a form of abuse. Is this what we need to focus on?

That's the gift we get from our BPD ex, maybe the only one, so let's run with it.  BPD is an attachment disorder, and a person with the disorder MUST attach to someone to feel whole; they do it by busting through our boundaries to assimilate our good as their own, and once there, are very good at shining a spotlight on any areas that still need work.  Of course it's a dysfunctional relationship, so we need to weed through the crap to see what's real for us, which takes time.  But what an opportunity!  Having someone who is extremely good at worming their way into our psyche give us some feedback, and we get to take what we need and leave the rest.

One viewpoint is that a BPD has great radar and will find folks with dark childhoods that are repressed, and move in parasitically to take advantage.  Another veiwpoint is that someone who is kindhearted, a little naive, and looking to build true intimacy goes into a relationship with clear eyes and an open heart, and ends up getting screwed because surprise! the person they fell for has a serious mental illness that didn't show up until later. I consider myself somewhere between those two extremes, and honestly my BPD experience was traumatic but relatively short lived, it didn't take long for me to tire of her crap.  But again, what an opportunity!  Driven by pain to better ourselves, let's use it!

Wow! Honestly, it's as if you read my mind and have lived my experience. I do believe that my uBPDexgf fed off of all my good qualities and attempted to make them her own. She probably even displays those traits now as part of her mask. I also saw that she would call me out on my flaws and imperfections every time she had the chance during the devaluation phase. I told her many times that I wasn't perfect and neither was she but I was willing to work with her as my partner to grow individually and together. My experience was relatively short-lived (we had an on-off friendship/romantic relationship for two years), as well, but this truly was an enlightening experience albeit extremely painful. I always learn the hard way.
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swimjim
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« Reply #16 on: October 17, 2013, 02:43:13 PM »

Even though I ad proven over a 3 month time to stay no contact, I had proven that I could leave her alone and not be a threat. She had no reason to continue with the hearing but she still wanted to. She took the day off from work and put herself through all the questioning from my attorney and perjured herself in court. Why would she go through all that trouble? Was it still her projection at work? Could she actually BELIEVE in her distorted mind that I was a threat?  I did not recognize her in the courtroom. I guess I need to stop thinking about why she did what and focus on my recovery. Sorry I get so stuck on her. Are most of you confident that your ex will repeat their behavior? Should I feel sorry for her current replacement? 
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #17 on: October 17, 2013, 02:48:13 PM »

I also saw that she would call me out on my flaws and imperfections every time she had the chance during the devaluation phase.

Yeah, mine did that too, sent me scrambling, trying to fix everything and defend myself, trying to get back to where we were in the beginning.  To me that was her critical parent rearing it's head, and she gave me a glimpse into what her childhood must have been like, poor girl.

I told her many times that I wasn't perfect and neither was she but I was willing to work with her as my partner to grow individually and together.

Me too, but in the black and white world of a BPD you're either perfect or you're worthless, and to her we were one in the same, since she doesn't have a 'self', so as soon as the fantasy failed again, everything sucked, it had to.

I told mine that I wanted to be with a partner who helps me feel good about myself.  Ha!  Wrong choice.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #18 on: October 17, 2013, 03:01:25 PM »

Sorry I get so stuck on her. Are most of you confident that your ex will repeat their behavior? Should I feel sorry for her current replacement?  

No worries man, this entire website exists because of the 'challenges' we face with that disorder, we've all been there.

A BPD will not change unless they enter long term specialized therapy, most won't, and even that only takes the edge off, there is no 'cure'.  I say we feel excited for your replacement, since he's about to get the same learning, growing experience we did.
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swimjim
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« Reply #19 on: October 17, 2013, 04:51:44 PM »

The devalued period has been 10 months. I know she had my ex best friend locked in as my replacement before I got dumped. How do they keep you devalued forever? I was such a major part of her life for 3 years and puff, gone forever. I know it is in my best interests that it stay that way. Anyone else find themselves trying to rationalize their behavior?
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #20 on: October 17, 2013, 05:23:36 PM »

The devalued period has been 10 months. I know she had my ex best friend locked in as my replacement before I got dumped. How do they keep you devalued forever? I was such a major part of her life for 3 years and puff, gone forever. I know it is in my best interests that it stay that way. Anyone else find themselves trying to rationalize their behavior?

You probably won't be devalued forever.  The push/pull nature of the disorder is such that you're in push now, but BPDs harbor reunion fantasies with their exes, so maybe one day she'll be in some emotional state she can't self-soothe, you'll pop up on her radar as a possible soother, and she'll call you as if absolutely nothing bad happened between you.  As long as you learn about the disorder and keep your boundaries strong it won't be a issue, but if not you could buy into the schmooze and find yourself recycled.  Never say never, mine showed up again after 25 years.
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« Reply #21 on: October 17, 2013, 07:35:02 PM »

Thanks heel for all your help. This has been quite a learning experience. She tried to trap a previous partner into marriage before me by getting pregnant on purpose. He had told her he did not want children. She went ahead and got pregnant anyway. He left her. The child has never had a father. That was the first red flag that I ignored. She had admitted this all to me before she chose me as her new Target. I bet the current boyfriend does not know the truth about that. The only thing that gives me any peace is knowing that no matter how much effort I would have given, it would have never filled that endless black hole. Better to know now than later.
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« Reply #22 on: October 17, 2013, 09:39:33 PM »

I never received "Private" or "Unknown Number" calls until I met her.

I have documented all of those I have received - some answreed some not.  All the other people I know who call rom such numbers always leave a message.  She doesn't.  Even when I answer she says nothing just hangs on the line for 5 - 60 seconds adn then rings off.  Bizarre. 

And I still get them from time to time (3 in Sept, 2 in July, 4 in May, 2 in April etc etc) - even though we have been separated for 16 months. 

Think she is trying to work out if I am in the country or travelling overseas or she just wants to hear me or more than likely knows it has an impact on me and she likes to discombobulate me... .

She lives next door to me and I see her regarularly ins the street etc.  Always acts like we have never met.   Weird indeed.
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« Reply #23 on: October 18, 2013, 05:32:21 PM »

I never received "Private" or "Unknown Number" calls until I met her.

I have documented all of those I have received - some answreed some not. 

<cut>

more than likely knows it has an impact on me and she likes to discombobulate me... .

hi smiler, just out of curiosity, why are you 'documenting' the private/unk # calls?

similarly, if it does discombobulate you (which i totally understand), why answer them at all?  in fact why not change your number or block hers? 

personally, when i wanted to stop contact, nothing gave me better satisfaction or worked better than blocking my xBPDgf and/or changing my #.  the thing is... .i was not always sure i wanted to stop contact.

icu2
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2253



« Reply #24 on: October 19, 2013, 04:15:22 AM »

Something tells me the ring would not have been enough after she got it. Would there always be something else?

There would always be something else.

My dBPDxw wanted the ring and got it.  Then wanted to quit her job (I said whatever makes you happy, I'll support you). Then wanted to move to a different city (we did). Then wanted a dog (by this point I said that's fine but let's work on our relationship before we get a dog - we were already having problems). Then she wanted a house instead of an apartment (I bought a house).

Then a week after we moved in, she got drunk and puked on the floor, making a stain on the new carpet.  Then a couple days later she threw a shoe at me and put a big skid mark on the new wall paint.  Then about a week after that, two weeks after we moved into her dream house, she moved out to live with a friend and never came back.

It's just an empty black hole that love and rings and houses can't fill, and when they realize that, it freaks them out and they leave.

wow, thanksforplayng, i'm sorry for what you went through.
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Aussie0zborn
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 803



« Reply #25 on: October 19, 2013, 04:57:47 AM »

BPD causes a lot of hate. They can hate more than you can imagine what hate can be. In fact, you have never seen hate like this or even know that it could look like this.

My stbx uBPD wife is so vindictive I was not able to get all my belongings out of the house, blocked my access to our two holiday homes,  redirected property rental monies to her personal bank account, recycled a thug to beat my brains in, manipulated the police to put a restraining order on me when I in fact called the police for help and now she is asking for EVERYTHING to be transferred solely to her. Oh, and she used my credit card which was attached to an online account since separation.

My experience is that once they fill with hate, there is no stopping them. Just stand back and watch the trainwreck crash.
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