Demand to Delete Messages

[Nonamouse]

My dBPDw has demanded that I delete all the terrible messages she has sent me because she is afraid I will use them against her to gain custody of our daughter if we ever go for a divorce.

I have said no, not because I am planning to use them because I feel like it is a demand for control. And it won't end there. There's always something else, nothing will satisfy her abandonment fears.

She deletes everything. I delete nothing - not because I'm saving them but because I don't have the time or need to delete everything from my life. I have 36,000 emails in my Yahoo account going back to the 1990's. This actually caused me some issues because she broke into my account and went through all my old emails dating back to before we met.

I am just looking for advice on this situation. I could easily delete them from my iphone. But I feel like it's the principle. Thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

I wouldn't feel good about those sort of demands either.

I also wouldn't feel good about appearing to give in by deleting them in one place and leaving them in another.

I'd recommend validating her feelings and fears on this issue instead of agreeing to the demand--The fear that you would leave her and take her daughter away has to be really terrible for her to experience!

Agreeing won't help your r/s in the long term. Your assessment that nothing you do will satisfy her abandonment fears sounds right to me.

This is the staying board, not the legal board, so I'm trying to keep advice to ways to improve your r/s, but I'd add that keeping them around in case there is a divorce / custody dispute later is absolutely in your interest. Having of documentation like emails, txts, audio or video recording of rages, etc. have really helped others. Especially if she makes false allegations about you.

[Nonamouse]

Thanks Grey Kitty - sound advice.

[daylily]

This is the staying board, not the legal board, so I'm trying to keep advice to ways to improve your r/s, but I'd add that keeping them around in case there is a divorce / custody dispute later is absolutely in your interest. Having of documentation like emails, txts, audio or video recording of rages, etc. have really helped others. Especially if she makes false allegations about you.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.  We may be staying, but given the fact that our relationships are not normal, we'd be foolish to disregard the chance that the relationship might end at some point in the future, perhaps not of our own making.  And a custody battle with a pwBPD would likely get messy.

[Montana]

Me uBPDh does the same thing.  It's a control thing he says the same thing to me. Except all the kids Are his. I ask him how could I take your kids from you I'm a step parent. The have a mother in their life also.  I have videos of him he makes me delete. I took them before I knew about BPD.  I wanted him to see how he acted.  Didn't help.  He wants control over everything. Sounds like your w does the same thing. If I give my h an inch he will take a mile.

Good luck

[waverider]

Do you think this is a big enough issue for her to accidentally loos or damage your phone? If so how much would that inconvenience You?

If keeping things indefinitely is a normal part of your personality, and not just her emails then no you shouldn't be forced to change.

You have your rights to be you, as she found you. She chose to be with you and that is who you are.

My partner is not technically minded, she can't even text let alone email. But she used to scribble hate mail in texta all over the place. I had literally hundreds of hate mail notes until I threw them all away

[hopesky]

Not sure if this is the same issue you are dealing with but my uBPD can be very abusive in texts.  At times I have printed them out in an attempt to address items she has brought up.  She has a real hard time with seeing this angry side of herself and gets very concerend I'm going to show the text's to someone and compromise "OUR BOUNDRY"  yeh, she actually says "OUR BOUNDRY".  I have no interest in embarrassing her and have only shown our texting to therapists who are under strict confidentiality rules.

I'd tell her the same thing I tell my kids.  When you send someone an email or text assume anyone can read it.  If you are ashamed or embarrased about what you are going to write, then don't send it.

[Nonamouse]

When she starts dysregulating the texts can get very abusive. They aren't texts where she is explicitly admitting anything except that she's being super b*tchy and paranoid about me cheating on her. I doubt they be much value in court if it ever came to that. Besides establishing that she can be pretty mean when she redlines.

Anyway, thanks all for the advice. I hate that anyone goes through this but it helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with this specific issue and BPD in general. It's just not a conversation that I can have with other people in my life.

[waverider]

I'd tell her the same thing I tell my kids.  When you send someone an email or text assume anyone can read it.  If you are ashamed or embarrased about what you are going to write, then don't send it.

Thats ok for a balanced mind, but when dysregulation occurs that all goes out the window. Bringing up the detailed evidence later can be rubbing their nose in it and be seen as you being abusive (in their mind) and can perpetuate it.

[allibaba]

My husband has done this before.  I told him no and then quickly disengaged from the conversation.  I try not to put any focus on it.