Contact

[Traumatized]

At 12:45 A.M. my phone rang with a restricted number.  Right away I figured it was probably her.  It was.

The conversation went like this:

Her: Who is this?

Me: It's T****.

Her: Oh sorry, T****.  Take care.  Bye.

She said all of this in a terse voice and abruptly hung up.  

So there you have it, five days after the final, dramatic, send off of the most evil person who ever existed on Earth (me) AND after we had deleted each others phone numbers in front of each other (my idea), she's made contact again.

Looks like the ball's in my court now and I finally have a little bit of power.

What will I do?

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

"Looks like the ball's in my court now and I finally have a little bit of power.

What will I do?"


From my experience, what I would do is: nothing.

You don't finally have a little bit of power - I'm sorry. I know it hurts, I know even a week ago I'd have been interpreting contact the same way ("he emailed! he must miss me"!).

but I've had to realise, and so imo will you, that NO CONTACT is the only way to save your own sanity... .



I now turn my phone off at 9.30pm. I know I am least emotionally-strong at night, and contact that is really upsetting or puzzling is a zillion times worse when it wakes you, or it's late and you're tired.

My ex-bf currently has split me black, so I've had no contact since the furious messages telling me I have made an enemy of him and he hates me and I am never to contact him ever again. Or anyone he knows.

(?)

But it is Saturday morning here in the UK, and I am uneasily aware that the bulk of major contact always happens at weekends, so I may be turning my phone off even earlier tonight and Sunday night, to protect myself from being upset or confused when I am least-strong.

[Traumatized]

I guess what I meant by power was that now it FEELS like I finally have a choice to contact her back or not, establish boundaries, tell her off, etc.  Of course that power had been mine all along, but I had given so much of it away to her, and my addiction had become so strong, that not only did I tolerate mental and physical abuse from her, but I'd be the one running back every time she'd break things off with me.

Going no contact seems to be the consensus of the people who've been able to break free from the abuse, heal themselves and save their sanity.  I don't know if I'm there yet.  I made her such a big part of my life that I feel lost and empty without her.  I really do want to talk to her and see her.  Is that the best thing for my health and well being?  Probably not.

[strikeforce]

She obviously knew it was you she was phoning. She is just trying to keep her in your mind and keep you messed up.

I mean why phone someone and ask 'whos this?'

Show her you have moved on, even if you haven't. Maintain No Contact and act like you couldn't care less about her.

I really do want to talk to her and see her.  Is that the best thing for my health and well being?  Probably not.

I felt the same and twice I went back only to be spat out much worse.

You fell bad right now, you'll feel 100 times worse next time if you talk or meet with her.

Stay strong 

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Going no contact seems to be the consensus of the people who've been able to break free from the abuse, heal themselves and save their sanity.  I don't know if I'm there yet. 

I spent several months trying to be friends in some way with my ex, after he spent a weekend with a woman he'd known a few weeks on facebook in another country.

I tried and tried, but all the way through, he was unable to be honest and open with me (and I do mean not able, I don't think he knows he does any of this, I don't think he deliberately lied knowingly, just has no real distinction between reality and fantasy).

Eventually I contacted the woman direct, after the most overt declaration of love yet, a full month after I imposed No Contact from my end, ie I stopped replying to anything but he continued sending occasional messages. I couldn't make sense of it all, so I asked her outright - she sent a reply that was clearly written by him, using his phrases, etc. A mutual friend confirmed she has been in a relationship with my ex since June, all the months he was spending hours every night talking to me online, telling me he loves me... .

It still makes little sense - he was mirroring as hard that last few months as when we met, but was refusing to be in any relationship. Why mirror for no gain?

Anyway... .eventually, it just had to come to this - I've blocked off as many avenues of possible contact as I can, and have my friends and father all shouting PAVLOV at me multiple times a day to make me follow a reasoned set of thoughts that exclude him and put ME at the forefront of my mind, because I will NOT have my thoughts determined, and my feelings controlled, by anyone except me, I REFUSE to allow this to continue.

It's early days, only been PAVLOVing since Wed but already I'm sleeping better and have whole half-hours without thoughts of my ex.

It's slow, but it works... .

No Contact at all, and preventing them from contacting you.

btw, I found somewhere in here a 2008 post in which someone changed their ex's name in their phone to ":)O NOT ANSWER" so I've changed my ex's name to ":)ANGER - Pavlov!". My phone's too old to block the number, so I cannot prevent any texts or calls arriving, but I can choose to see who they're from and if they are from DANGER - Pavlov, then I don't answer the phone or open the text. Or at least I try not to open the text... .:P

Any contact at all just messed my head up further. "Let's be friends" was a lovely idea, but his behaviour made it impossible.

My mind was snapping - and it basically became "me or him" and I had to choose ME finally... .

Good luck. Block her number, or change her name in your phone to DANGER; set up an email filter to route all emails directly to a concealed folder without entering your inbox so you never know they have arrived, or even better filter them straight out again to a trusted friend who can delete them so you can never see an email at all.

Stay strong.

[strikeforce]

I got hit with the 'lets be friends' last time we split up.

I simply told her that I couldn't just be friends with someone I loved.

A week later we were back together.

[hopealways]

Keep up the NC, she is trying to manipulate you. BPD think / know we are obsessed with them and if we continue NC they think we will crack (because all their exes have cracked) so when you don't they actually respect you for it, but feel worthless because they are faced with the possibility that they have left the first man who actually does NOT want to go back. So they try to make you contact them... .even if it is by calling you from a restricted number and hanging up so that you will then pick up the phone and call them. They are psycho.

[Tricky]

My phone comes up with DANGER TO MENTAL HEALTH. It says it all!

Last text was easiest to delete unread, but still difficult. Curiosity killed the cat, and any info about my ex sends me backwards. Best not to know.

I was in contact with my ex's family, 'close' friends and her psychiatric team to ask them to help her to not contact me. They have some sympathy for my position and direct contact stopped after an initial increase and (the usual) lies to her family about not texting. It seems people will understand if you give them the facts and the chance, and they may well help you despite their connections to a pw BPD. They do see some of a pwBPD's behavour too, and may not be as partisan as you think.

NC might save your sanity, and def won't make thinks worse. How can it?

And try to enlist the help, diplomatically and honestly, of those surrounding your ex. You need protection, to heal and thrive.

[Traumatized]

Escaped:  So far I’ve done nothing and have not responded to her.  I like your ideas about changing her name in my phone to something that reminds me of how dangerous she is.  She’s done a similar thing to me.  At one point she had next to my name in her phone “Liar and Thief.”  She made sure that I “accidentally” saw it.

Strike Force:  Yeah right, like she didn’t know she was phoning me . I’m still maintaining no contact and by not returning her call, acting like I could care less about her... .even though I really do.  Every time I’ve gone back, the abuse gets elevated and sooner or later she gives me such a vicious verbal beat down that I do feel 100 times worse.  Now that she’s started physically abusing me, it may get 1000 times worse.  I could end up severely disabled or in a body bag.

Hope Always:  She definitely knows I’m obsessed with her.  She knows she can eventually make me crack and go running back to her.  Her calling me “accidentally” after we’ve deleted each others numbers is definitely a form of manipulation.  She wants me to call her back so she can lure me in for another round of abuse.

Tricky:  I seriously considered contacting her mother to explain my side of things.  Her mother is a rational human being who would listen to me and understand that all the “evil" acts I’ve supposedly committed are just fabricated b.s.  The reason I didn’t do this is because if my ex finds out she will think I'm trying to drive a wedge between her and her mother and this will cause her to FLIP OUT!  She would likely call my parents, scream at them, and tell them about all the "evil" things I've done to her.  A few months ago we had planned a trip to visit my parents together.  We never went, but later on she told me that was her plan.

[DownandOut]

Towards the end of our relationship, my exBPDgf would always say things like "you'll never forget me" or try to manipulate something in my house to symbolize how much she meant to me so that when I look at it I would think of her. She would always remind me who bought certain items of clothing or shoes (she did) so that whenever I put them on I would think of her. These people are very very unhealthy and I agree with the other posters that NC is the way to go regardless of how tough it is.

[Traumatized]

Downandout:  Mine would always tell me how much MORE she spent on me in the relationship then I did on her.  In reality it was about 50/50, but even if it wasn't, what difference should it make?  I gave out of the love in my heart, and supposedly so did she.  She made an issue of it because she wanted to make herself feel better by putting me down. 

She said I took advantage of her financially, stole her credit card, and put her thousands of dollars in debt.  ALL BLATANT LIES!  NONE OF THAT EVER HAPPENED! It was ALL in her delusional mind!  However, she did steal MY credit card a YEAR later in retaliation for my alleged wrong doing.  I cancelled it before she could charge anything on it... .and when I told her it had been stolen (without a hint of accusation towards her), her reaction was that I was lying and up to no good.  Then she got on the phone and called everyone she knew to tell them I was, "At it again," and asked them for their opinion what she should do to me.  Her rational minded mother said she should let it go, but after getting the opinions of her friends who had been brainwashed to believe that I was "evil," she threw me out of her apartment!

I thought that was kind of an odd response considering I hadn't accused her of anything, had cancelled my card, and the whole situation shouldn't have effected her in any way, other than perhaps to have a little sympathy towards me.

[DownandOut]

Downandout:  Mine would always tell me how much MORE she spent on me in the relationship then I did on her.  In reality it was about 50/50, but even if it wasn't, what difference should it make?  I gave out of the love in my heart, and supposedly so did she.  She made an issue of it because she wanted to make herself feel better by putting me down. 

She said I took advantage of her financially, stole her credit card, and put her thousands of dollars in debt.  ALL BLATANT LIES!  NONE OF THAT EVER HAPPENED! It was ALL in her delusional mind!  However, she did steal MY credit card a YEAR later in retaliation for my alleged wrong doing.  I cancelled it before she could charge anything on it... .and when I told her it had been stolen (without a hint of accusation towards her), her reaction was that I was lying and up to no good.  Then she got on the phone and called everyone she knew to tell them I was, "At it again," and asked them for their opinion what she should do to me.  Her rational minded mother said she should let it go, but after getting the opinions of her friends who had been brainwashed to believe that I was "evil," she threw me out of her apartment!

I thought that was kind of an odd response considering I hadn't accused her of anything, had cancelled my card, and the whole situation shouldn't have effected her in any way, other than perhaps to have a little sympathy towards me.

My exBPDgf could never say that to me. I spent thousands on her, expensive dinners, vacations, etc. If I would have married this woman I would likely have spent hundreds of thousands to try to keep her happy. Nothing I did for her ever made her truly happy, but the most trivial things she did for me were the most amazing things in the world. A friend of mine asked me the other day why we broke up, I didn't want to get into the entire story but I basically told him about my experience on an extremely expensive and exotic  2 week vacation with her and how she treated me like dirt and emotionally and sexually disconnected. When I told him where I was and how she was acting he said "If she's not happy there, she'll never be happy," and he was right. The analogy about throwing water into a bucket with a hole in it is perfect for a BPD relationship. We give and give, get nothing in return and are expected to be thankful. No thanks. She could give her crumbs to someone else and tell them its the pie, but I'm not buying it anymore.

[Traumatized]

Downandout: At least you had an abundance of money that you could spend on her to try and make her happy.  It may not have worked, but at least you gave it a shot. 

On my ex's last birthday I gave her $100, which was literally 1/3 of my entire life savings (I took her out to dinner too).  She accused me of trying to "buy her love," but I did this because I loved her and wanted to put a smile on her face, even if just for one day.  We are both in terrible financial situations and I wish I had a ton of money to give her because it would really make a difference in her life.  I was I could help her, and I wish I could help me too. 

The way our lives have turned out is pathetically sad.  We will both probably end up killing ourselves.

[Traumatized]

The way our lives have turned out is pathetically sad.  We will both probably end up killing ourselves.

And just to clarify that last comment, I was talking about her and me, not you downandout.

[DownandOut]

Downandout: At least you had an abundance of money that you could spend on her to try and make her happy.  It may not have worked, but at least you gave it a shot. 

On my ex's last birthday I gave her $100, which was literally 1/3 of my entire life savings (I took her out to dinner too).  She accused me of trying to "buy her love," but I did this because I loved her and wanted to put a smile on her face, even if just for one day.  We are both in terrible financial situations and I wish I had a ton of money to give her because it would really make a difference in her life.  I was I could help her, and I wish I could help me too. 

The way our lives have turned out is pathetically sad.  We will both probably end up killing ourselves.

Please don't kill yourself. It's not worth it. Life is worth it. There's no point in suffering for her problems. If you are in a bad financial state, work on yourself and try to make it work for you. Don't worry about wishing that you had a ton of money to give her. You can't help her but you can help you and that's the most important thing right now.

Be strong friend.

[Traumatized]

The way our lives have turned out is pathetically sad.  We will both probably end up killing ourselves.

Please don't kill yourself. It's not worth it. Life is worth it. There's no point in suffering for her problems. If you are in a bad financial state, work on yourself and try to make it work for you. Don't worry about wishing that you had a ton of money to give her. You can't help her but you can help you and that's the most important thing right now.

Be strong friend.

Downandout: Thank you for your encouragement.

I suffer from my own deep seated problems that were there long before I met her.  I already told her if I kill myself it's not her fault and it has nothing to do with her.  She said that she knows, which made me feel better, because I wouldn't want her dragging around a ton of guilt for the rest of her life.  However, she may die before me because she's told me many times that she's dead inside and wants to O.D.  She has the means and I don't think it will be too long before it happens.  When, and if it does happen, I will be DEVASTATED beyond belief.  Completely inconsolable.

I hope we both have happy endings, but at this point it doesn't look good for either of us.

[DownandOut]

The way our lives have turned out is pathetically sad.  We will both probably end up killing ourselves.

Please don't kill yourself. It's not worth it. Life is worth it. There's no point in suffering for her problems. If you are in a bad financial state, work on yourself and try to make it work for you. Don't worry about wishing that you had a ton of money to give her. You can't help her but you can help you and that's the most important thing right now.

Be strong friend.

Downandout: Thank you for your encouragement.

I suffer from my own deep seated problems that were there long before I met her.  I already told her if I kill myself it's not her fault and it has nothing to do with her.  She said that she knows, which made me feel better, because I wouldn't want her dragging around a ton of guilt for the rest of her life.  However, she may die before me because she's told me many times that she's dead inside and wants to O.D.  She has the means and I don't think it will be too long before it happens.  When, and if it does happen, I will be DEVASTATED beyond belief.  Completely inconsolable.

I hope we both have happy endings, but at this point it doesn't look good for either of us.

Like I said, please work on yourself. There is plenty to look forward to. Get well.

[peas]

Nothing I did for her ever made her truly happy, but the most trivial things she did for me were the most amazing things in the world.

I spent hours and money on traveling to see my uBPDbf regularly. Then when I arrived I usually paid for our meals and drinks. Granted, he was unemployed and I was in a well-paying job, but he still had SOME money he could have spent on me. I didn't ask for anything, but he if showed the slightest thoughtful gesture, that was all I needed.

One thing that started to nag at me: I like my morning coffee with half-and-half. Do you think boyfriend could have at least provided some damn half-and-half for my weekend visits? No. I not only drove 600 miles roundtrip most weekends to see him, with gas prices what they are, but I had to supply my own half and half.

One time he picked flowers out of his garden and handed them to me and he expected me to react like he gave me a diamond. Of course I appreciated it, but he needed big validation for that.   

[Accepting]

My phone comes up with DANGER TO MENTAL HEALTH. It says it all!

This made me laugh and laugh... .  I think there should be it's own siren style message tone that comes with it.

In all seriousness... .since deleting their number and all msg/call logs from my phone, leaving me with no ability to make contact, I've felt so much more peace. I feel many things each day which make me feel like saying things to 'him', but instantly I feel calm when I remember, I no longer have his number. Such a good thing. I know he can still contact me... .but from the short length of time I've visited this site, I'm hoping that if he does instigate contact in the future (I'm 70/30 on this one) I'll be strong enough to finally walk away and not reply.

[Traumatized]

Oh sorry, T****.  Take care.  Bye.

Now I'm wondering if her calling me and saying "sorry" was her way of actually saying sorry for real, because she can't do it any other way?

I wish she would contact me again. 

I wish my phone would ring and it would be her. 

I wish I could hear her say, "We're gonna have fun," the way she used to do every time before we'd go out.

My heart is racing.  I feel panicked.  I can't focus or concentrate for long on anything.  I have no desire to work or better myself in any way.  I just sit here waiting, wishing, and hoping that she will call me again. 

I feel like I'm in danger of losing my sanity.  That I might slip over the edge mentally and not be able to return. 

I'm worried that she's going to die soon and that I'll never have a chance to see her again... .and that each minute that goes by is a minute I could have spent with her before she goes off into eternity.

I cry and I cry.

I feel so lost, empty and alone.

We were mirrors for each other, puzzles pieces that fit together perfectly, soulmates, polar opposites... .yet similar in many ways.

While I'm sitting here filled with pain, longing for her, she's off living her life.  She's probably not thinking about me at all... .unless it's something bad.  I'm sure she's taking massive amounts of painkillers, shoplifting from stores, and having sex with random strangers like she's always done... .whether I approved of it or not... .which I don't.

I just miss her.  I miss the good parts of her.  The parts that made me glad to be alive.