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Author Topic: Detachment having the opposite effect  (Read 374 times)
emotionaholic
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« on: October 05, 2013, 11:55:13 AM »

Its been a while since I have posted here but I could use some insight.  Part of my detachment has been to stop dwelling on BPD and to avoid this site hoping to get the ex out of my head.

It has been 3 months NC to the day.  Over all I am doing fairly well.  I continue to see the therapist that we went to, although she stopped, I started exercising, reassociating with friends that I had distanced myself from, I do my best to not talk about her, and have even started dating again.  The raging depression has dissipated, but the repercussions of being with a pwBPD are far from healed.  I have a few issues I could use some help with.

As I have started dating, though its not going so well, I find my self comparing all women to the ex.  She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known and every woman I have been on a date with is just second best.  The physical attraction is just not there, not that the women I have been out with are not attractive I just dont have that overwhelming sexual desire to be with them.  It is like my libido went on vacation without me.  There is one woman in particular that I have had my eye on for a long time.  She is a bit younger really cute and very sweet.  It happens to be my neighbors daughter which has its own level of awkwardness, but we have been out a couple of times and she seems interested.  However as I am getting to know her I cant stop comparing her to the ex's good side and after each date or phone call I find myself missing the ex instead of being excited about the potential new girl.

I have been lately having a hard time sleeping again.  The 3 year relationship with the BPDex just cycles through my head non stop all the good and bad but in this indifferent feelingless way, its hard to explain but it is like I am watching this movie of the ex on a repeating projector.  Do I miss her yes, can I want to be with her no, is she messed up YES!  I just want it to go away.  Every day I have to drive by her house and half the time we pass each other going opposite directions.  Then the anxiety kicks in.  First hoping that she will reach out to me so I can tell her off, then scared she will reach out to me and my sympathy will kick in.  She is not in a good place right now that I know.  Her 10 year old son has told his dad that he no longer wants to live with her due to her anger, I hear she has put on a bunch of weight in the last couple of months.  Her ex husband keeps calling me for advice on how to handle her anger and vengefulness which from the sounds of it have escalated to levels I thankfully never got to see.

I just want to shut off my brain.
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DragoN
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« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2013, 12:01:14 PM »

Excerpt
It has been 3 months NC to the day.

After 3 years with a pwBPD? That is quite fast to move into dating again I would think...
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seeking balance
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2013, 12:54:06 PM »

sorry you are hurting emotionaholic... .I know this might sound simple, but it really has not been that much time.

What do you consider to be NC and why did you go about doing it?
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Century2012
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Relationship status: His "best friend." My illumination of my childhood needs for love not being met. Just as his were not.
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« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2013, 01:01:26 PM »

You can't open the new door in front of you until you close the one behind you. You are sane ... .unlike your exBPD. They jump into something new to avoid the grief. You need to work through the grief, so when you are healed you can be a 100% partner. You are just not ready yet. And that is okay. Set a deadline for the grieving. Some say one month for each year. I think it is more like 2 months for each year. But work on you for now. Find "peace" and have a "coming out" party in January. 
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willbegood
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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2013, 03:28:38 PM »

Maybe not having the physical attraction is a good thing so you can think with your right head and get with someone who will work out. 

I can relate to how you feel. I'm talking to a flat out gorgeous woman right now who is better than my ex in every way (not that I generally compare) and my libido just isn't there. 
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Accepting
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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2013, 11:40:43 PM »

My involvement with my guy (heavy push/pull on again off again cycle) has lasted 18months with me now aiming to work towards full acceptance that this is just the way it is - and not go back. Trying to build strength in my resolve to accept and let go.

During the time we saw each other, each time he'd end things I would go back to dating in the hope of moving forward... .feeling like the best chance I had at not re-engaging with him (as inevitably I always do) was to put myself back out there in the dating realm. Each of these dates would actually be more detrimental than good... as no one gave me that magical feeling. I'd only miss him more afterwards. I wonder now if giving myself a break from dating altogether is the best option. Also, instead of seeking company, taking time out to really enjoy how relaxing and easy it is to be single... and really allowing life to send someone special my way through chance... .when it's natural, when it's meant to be.

It's a difficult part of the equation to accept, that the chemistry shared with them was so incredible. I have only one other time felt something similar. I like to think it'll happen again, when the time is right... .and that the loving feeling of someone being reliable and responsive will only make the experience more wonderful than it was with him.
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