New member, mom of BPD son

[justmekate]

Hi,

I've just registered, and trying to figure this out.  I guess I need to start a new topic in order to introduce myself.  

I'm the mom of a late-20s BPD son.  I've met quite a few people who are dealing with a BPD daughter, but it's very hard to find people with a BPD son.  So I'm hoping on this board there might be some others.  

He does not live with me (that would be impossible), and communication is only through email.  He is very mean!  So it's tough to continue dealing with him.  But I'd like to find a way to help him, such as maybe to inspire him to get into long-term counseling.  So I keep trying to establish some supportive communication.  But not working so far.  He just continues to be mean.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Hi JustmeKate,



I'm so glad you found us and sorry to hear how difficult things are. This journey is long and tough for sure, but you are in a good spot finding us and reaching out. We understand and completely understand what you are going through. There are lots of parents here, both with daughters and sons that want to help.

Can you tell us more... .

Has he been in any therapy?

How long ago was he diagnosed?

Any other children?

Do you have support?

I look forward to getting to know you better and learning how we can help.

Being Mindful

[justmekate]

Thank you.

He has seen many counselors over about 8 years time, but I don't know of any particular therapy they've done with him.  He is currently not at all open to getting counseling.

It's been 6 months since I decided that he has BPD.

He has an older sister who has some unhealthy compulsions that cause her trouble, so I worry about her too... .but fortunately she is able to support herself, gets counseling sometimes, and is a reasonably nice person most of the time.  They have a tenuous, on-and-off relationship.

I have attended a few support groups for non-BPDs, but have not found another mom of a BPD son, only parents of daughters.

[MammaMia]

Justmekate

Welcome to BPDF.  So glad you are here. 

Yes, I have a dBPDs age 39 who was diagnosed 4 years ago after a life filled with turmoil and anger from his teens on.  And yes, he can be very mean, verbally. Many psychiatrists are reluctant to make a diagnosis of BPD, so that is no surprise. Does your son have a diagnosis?  BPD is a very complex disorder that can be mistaken for other mental illnesses.

There are some great resources here to help you learn how to communicate better with your uBPDs.  There are specific ways to communicate that can actually improve your relationship by avoiding what triggers them.  I hope you have the opportunity to check out some of the articles and workshops as well as the basic information on BPD.  There is so much good, honest information here.  I know you will find it helpful.

BPD is a brain disorder.  It is very difficult for those afflicted to control their emotions.  Therefore, much of the hard work to make things better actually falls on those of us who love someone with BPD.  That may seem unfair, but it is what it is.

You are among friends here.  We understand BPD and are dealing with the same issues you are.  Welcome to the group.  We want to help.  Please keep posting.

[justmekate]

I just want to mention that I don't see any "notify" button that's referred to in the Preferences.  I'm looking for a way to be notified by email when the board has a new post.  I hope someone will tell me how to do that.

[six]

HI JMK

I have a BPDs26.  He can also be mean at times.  What I have learned is that his meanness is a response to the inner turmoil he experiences.  he has lately begun psychoanalysis which helps him understand that all of his pain is routed in how he was raised (sad but true) this does not mean that I was a bad mom, just that he experienced my parenting as being painful

I will give you an example.  he recently discovered that his intense reaction to any discussion of my wanting him to move out of our house is bec he felt he was kicked out when he was 14.  this did not actually happen but I told him when he was 14 that if he did not shape up he was getting shipped out.  he has had an intense reaction ever since to any discussion regarding him moving out of hour house. 

just bec we both understand why he reacts does not take away all the pain and hurt feelings.  but it does allow me to address him as a person in pain as opposed to a person who is trying to hurt me. I have learned a lot onthis board about validation which is a tool that helps me express concern for him without judging him. welcome and please look at all the workshops and tools that are available.

[mary93]

Hi JustmeKate, this is a good place for you to be as it does help, I joined last week. I have a daughter BPD and so thankful I found this group. I have also been reading the "stop walking on eggshells" book and it has helped me make it through more than 1 night when as a mother I was consumed with guilt and why me, why my child etc etc. You could try a book like this one or another as I really find it helps us understand this terrible disorder. It takes a toll on us parents as we want to see our kids happy and safe. I also went to group therapy and was that helped tremendously, more so than the individual therapy. Hang in there, everyone is here for you.