Others not understanding what we went through

[numb_buddha]

I wanted to know how common this experience is. It's really difficult when you turn to some for support because they really don't seem to grasp you are literally an abuse victim. How difficult has it been for you to seek support out from others outside of these forums and a therapist familiar with the disorder we encountered?

[Undone123]

yea its common - nobody gets it... .they thing you are crazy for missing someone who treated you badly. They think you are crazy for being unable to "just move on". they think you are crazy for staying in the relationship, and they don't understand BPD whatsoever.

Best things for my support where this site, and a counsellor.

[numb_buddha]

Yes I've heard all of that, even that they told me so. As if that helps at all. For instance, at one point in my relationship with my exBPDgf, I set an "ultimatum" as she liked to call them: I need to hear from you at least 5 minutes a day. Now maybe this is an unrealistic demand in a normal relationship, when things come up. However, this "ultimatum" was the result of what we all went through - periods where there was zero communication for days, sometimes weeks. I simply said that for me to continue, I need basic communication from you.

Someone I confided in about that earlier who knows of the end of this relationship, when I told them about how I was often called a bully by her, said that expectation was bullying of me. I nearly lost it on them. No, that was merely my limit after 8 months of sparse and spotty communication. It makes me so angry because it feels like you're being re-victimized sometimes. And yes, I've heard what you mention, as well.

"Just get over it. It's done."

"I'm tired of hearing about it."

"I told you she was unhealthy."

Yeah thank you so much for having told me so.

But nothing, nothing, hurts more than hearing someone validate her delusions based on slivers of information they have.

I feel so tongue-tied regarding this whole situation. I kept it all largely a secret, reaching out when I was desperate for counsel and advice during the relationship. But, even now, I feel almost unable to characterize properly just what happened to me in this. I kept it all bottled up for so long precisely because I wasn't sure if others would understand, or if they'd have the patience to even care. At root, in an abusive BPD relationship, we nons are always looking for validation - validation that we've not lost our frigging marbles. It hurts quite a lot when others are quick to offer feedback, and slow to just listen.

Thank goodness for counselors. They get paid to do that - to listen. And thank goodness for you all. I think we're the only demographic around who can speak to the carnage.

Oh, I was told that the word carnage was too dramatic, as well. Rolls eyes. Whatever, they just don't get it. Enter a romantic relationship with someone who has BPD and get back to me... .

[Ironmanrises]

Yes I've heard all of that, even that they told me so. As if that helps at all. For instance, at one point in my relationship with my exBPDgf, I set an "ultimatum" as she liked to call them: I need to hear from you at least 5 minutes a day. Now maybe this is an unrealistic demand in a normal relationship, when things come up. However, this "ultimatum" was the result of what we all went through - periods where there was zero communication for days, sometimes weeks. I simply said that for me to continue, I need basic communication from you.

Someone I confided in about that earlier who knows of the end of this relationship, when I told them about how I was often called a bully by her, said that expectation was bullying of me. I nearly lost it on them. No, that was merely my limit after 8 months of sparse and spotty communication. It makes me so angry because it feels like you're being re-victimized sometimes. And yes, I've heard what you mention, as well.

"Just get over it. It's done."

"I'm tired of hearing about it."

"I told you she was unhealthy."

Yeah thank you so much for having told me so.

But nothing, nothing, hurts more than hearing someone validate her delusions based on slivers of information they have.



I feel so tongue-tied regarding this whole situation. I kept it all largely a secret, reaching out when I was desperate for counsel and advice during the relationship. But, even now, I feel almost unable to characterize properly just what happened to me in this. I kept it all bottled up for so long precisely because I wasn't sure if others would understand, or if they'd have the patience to even care. At root, in an abusive BPD relationship, we nons are always looking for validation - validation that we've not lost our frigging marbles. It hurts quite a lot when others are quick to offer feedback, and slow to just listen.

Thank goodness for counselors. They get paid to do that - to listen. And thank goodness for you all. I think we're the only demographic around who can speak to the carnage.

Oh, I was told that the word carnage was too dramatic, as well. Rolls eyes. Whatever, they just don't get it. Enter a romantic relationship with someone who has BPD and get back to me... .

They will not understand... .

At all.

I had the same issue with my friends.

In bold.

Yes.

It hurts like nothing else.

One of my friends would see her instagram/facebook pics/statuses... .

And say... .

"But she looks happy in the pic... .

Everything she wrote in the caption seems coherent... .

Maybe she is just not happy with you... .

Maybe she is just not that into you... ."... .

Where is the face palm button... .?

And the i want to f¥cking scream button... .?

I no longer speak about this to my close friends.

Their invalidation... .

Coupled with my exUBPDgf's invalidation... .

Was enough invalidation... .

To last me 2 lifetimes.

[happylogist]

numb_buddha

It is very - very common to feel misunderstood or weak, be labeled as a person without willpower aor strong boundaries (which are sometimes very true!), but people do judge!

I have only very - very close people who know either the whole story or part of it. I think in a way it is better that way.

What I also notice that often I am not ready to take opinions without getting upset, angry... .It is not only about validating their "facade" statements, as you wrote in your post. It is also about judging the way the relationship dynamics were... .  I remember when I was telling about him to my mom, she made two remarks that made me so upset:

1) "Of course, he did not love you, who wouldn't want to be with an available married beautiful woman in a foreign country without her husband. It was just a moment of passion! Now he feels bad about it"  - I felt that she devalued my experience. At that time I believed he truly loved me and did not want to believe that. Later I understood that even though my mom and I didn't know anything about BPD  - in a way it was true.  His feelings were genuine  only in a given moment. He could tell me that he loved me then but didn't love me now, go NC, recycle me, hurt me, and all of a sudden again tell me  - that he loved me. This is not love, love is unconditional, it does not come with hurting someone you care.

2) "It was just your weakness in a moment. Forgive yourself and move on. Forget about him." - Even though she is and was so close to me, she did not want to see that my feelings were there and even though I regret about many things in our relationship - at that time it was a conscious choice because it felt very right and I felt love.

And yes, the classic from my bgf "Leave him, he is an idiot, sick or not sick!"  I started telling her that no, he is not and explaining her the whole situation with his self and unhappiness and drinking - basically naming the symptoms.  I can't forget her look! I bet she was thinking at that time "hmm. you are an idiot too!".  

[Tricky]

I don't think anyone who hasn't been in a relationship with a pwBPD can fully appreciate the emotional impact of dealing with their illness. If emotional scars were visible we would receive huge amounts of sympathy, and our exes would be revealed as abusers. No one can fully understand unless they have been there too. Luckily we have this site, and people who do understand.

It's frustrating to have friends see my ex as depressed and deserving of immediate sympathy, whereas I'm perceived as heartless or weak. Her lies carry more weight than my quiet truth. What to do? Be strong. I am on the path to recovery and a positive future. She isn't.