Is It Possible I am BPD as Well?

[bauers220]

I know they call it "crazy making" but I have worked on myself and stayed focused on growing my emotional strength.  The thing that keeps hitting me is this.

Many BPDs are quick to identify because they "act out"... .but what about those that "act in"?  Not all are nasty or abusive... .and no two are alike.  I see myself in the acting in types - the silent raging inside - the obsessive thinking - no emotional skin whatsoever... .thats all ME.  I could go on and on but I digress... .

My ex is for sure the acting out BPD - she is mean and nasty - verbally abusive with cutting insults as well as silent treatments... .She starts to pull away from me and I panic so I push her further and will be the one to leave first if I can get there before her.  Or sometimes she will flip out over something minor leaving me hurt and insulted. 

My point is - we have both done the push pull... .but its really her acting out that is the loud and easy one to see... .but when you pull back the layers... .there I am - not much different at the core.  I fear abandonment - but I cling... .unless you cling too tight and will have to push you away.  But I have found those that let me cling in the past - but didn't allow themselves to give in to smothering me - those relationships lasted.  I think at my core I chose her because I knew she would never consume me - she would not give me the one thing I want - the one thing she wants ... .love... .

Its scary - but something being brought up in therapy tomorrow... .I have to know.

[happylogist]

bauers220

Even if you do  - it is important to know and work on it.  This is a good chance.

I also asked myself at one point whether I have BPD... .I don't, but I for one thing - have not a very high self-esteem that I am working on, also I can become enmeshed instead of being empathetic and tend to mirror when deeply connected to someone.  There were/are personal issues... .

Look at your previous relationships, BPD is not a virus infection, you had to have the same behavior before.

[bauers220]

bauers220

Even if you do  - it is important to know and work on it.  This is a good chance.

I also asked myself at one point whether I have BPD... .I don't, but I for one thing - have not a very high self-esteem that I am working on, also I can become enmeshed instead of being empathetic and tend to mirror when deeply connected to someone.  There were/are personal issues... .

Look at your previous relationships, BPD is not a virus infection, you had to have the same behavior before.

Well thats the thing - I have been married almost 20 years and we don't have these same issues.  But I have examined how I have been towards him - the enmeshing - the times I DID act out - that was years ago - and the fear of abandonment are there.  Low self esteem yes... .the mirroring I am more mindful of - but I have done it and can still do that with people.  I don't have complete black and white thinking though - I don't see people all good or all bad - I do see the colors in between.  I know people have bad days or act out at moments but that won't rip me away from them.  So some tendancy maybe... .or perhaps just some issues to work on.  It sure has had me thinking.  Whatever my issues are - this woman sure brought them out in a BIG way.  She projects - I project... .we both mirror good and bad.  But one thing I do not do is tear her apart with my words and call her names and have put downs.  I can be quite rude to her in response to her attack but that is new.  I refuse to be abused any longer.  I really thought she had moved past all that... .thought her counseling and spiritual walk had helped... .guess not.

I lied to her - told her I had a new GF - because I want her to leave me alone!  So far there is silence on her end after that... .GOD WILLING she will stay NC.  But she never has... .

[happylogist]

Hi Bauers,

How are you doing now? Hope you are doing better. 

I also find similarities in some of my reactions. When I was a teenager and then even later on there was a point that you couldn't control my anger and would say many hurtful things to people I love. But I learned to control myself now.  I do think that people who are drawn to BPD persons (or at least with strong traits) have to have issues themselves. But it is good at least to realize it at one point.

[babyducks]

Hi Bauers,

I think a chain can only be as strong as its weakest link.  For me when I was in my r/s with my Ex I behaved in ways not typical and went to lengths I never did before.   Some of it was, of course,  I was being pushed by a person who had harmfully intense emotions.   The other part was my boundaries were as porous as a sponge.

I really think that a person who has the traits of BPD has such large and over the top emotions that its hard to see our own for quite some time.   It took me months to pull apart my stuff from her stuff... .with any clarity.  I was very reactive for a long time. It was part of the process that I had to burn through.

People with BPD have trouble in all parts of their lives,  they usually have a long pattern of unstable and volatile relationships.   My reading on the boards here make me think that people who enter relationships with pwBPD have low self esteem problems.   We get hooked on the idealization stage.   That's a problem not a disorder.

Breaking up with a pwBPD is difficult.  It creates a lot of chaos.   Give yourself the gift of  time to work your way through this.   Go slow with any major decisions or changes.

babyducks

[bb12]

Hey bauers220

When researching Narcissism, I discovered a term known at Inverted Narcissism.

Here's a quote from Wikipedia:

Inverted or "covert" narcissists are people who are "intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to [their] own need to perform the requisite sacrifice"—an "inverted narcissist, who ensures that with compulsive care-giving, supplies of gratitude, love and attention will always be readily available ... .[pseudo-]saintly."[17] Vaknin considered that "the inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent ... .the child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality."

In everyday life, the inverted narcissist "demands anonymity ... .uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him ... .[with] praise that cannot be deflected." Recovery means the ability to recognize the self-destructive elements in one's character structure, and to "develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself."[citation needed][/i]

I also went through a stage of wondering if I was borderline. But the truth of the matter is that you would not have found your way to these boards if you were. The level of personal accountability, introspection, and desire for growth are all things a borderline does not possess to the same degree.

What I learned about myself is that I am most likely dependent upon others for my self of self. I believe that this dependency / co-dependency can be as intense as any PD and we can feel very broken.

I have also come to believe that BPD and Codependency are two sides of the same coin, but one has chosen to go inward to self-soothe (creating a false self) and becoming a borderline, whilst the other has gone outward and become other-directed in their attempt to cope with the same kind of wound.

It can feel like we are as broken as our exes and that we too are BPD. But we are not. But we do share a pattern of behaving and attaching that needs some work. Taking the focus of our exBPD and onto the FOO work we need to do on ourselves is the start of a wonderful journey to self-discovery... .and probably means a decreased likelihood of attracting a pwBPD ever again!

BB12

[drv3006]

Whenever I see a post like this I feel less like a BPD than ever.  You see, I too posted that I thought I was BPD, I too ran to a shrink and said am I BPD.  And everytime I see these posts, I know how we have all be pushed to a point where we feel like we have stooped to their level.  So, does that make us BPD.  No, I don't think so.  Do we have similar traits, ex., you tell me I am a fat no good piece of Sh#t and I say, BACK AT YOU you Blah Blah Blah.  You bet.   I have tried being nice, enabling, dishing it out, being outright mean.   However, we don't like that we react.    Nothing I can do say or even maybe even think about doing or saying would be helpful or good with this perso.  All I know is that when I see someone post that they think they have this, well so did I.  But what I think we have is a toleration level that lasts longer than others and a little more compassion and then finally we have a breaking point...      

[bauers220]

Whenever I see a post like this I feel less like a BPD than ever.  You see, I too posted that I thought I was BPD, I too ran to a shrink and said am I BPD.  And everytime I see these posts, I know how we have all be pushed to a point where we feel like we have stooped to their level.  So, does that make us BPD.  No, I don't think so.  Do we have similar traits, ex., you tell me I am a fat no good piece of Sh#t and I say, BACK AT YOU you Blah Blah Blah.  You bet.   I have tried being nice, enabling, dishing it out, being outright mean.   However, we don't like that we react.    Nothing I can do say or even maybe even think about doing or saying would be helpful or good with this perso.  All I know is that when I see someone post that they think they have this, well so did I.  But what I think we have is a toleration level that lasts longer than others and a little more compassion and then finally we have a breaking point...      

Well I do have a "diagnosis" if you want to call it that since its not on the DSM yet - I pray one day it is cause its overlooked... .Complex PTSD - and its from exposure to the ups and downs the push pull... .the goal post moving... .gas lighting... .devaluations and recyclings over a long period of time... .that is ONE cause of this.  Some of the behaviors do mimic SOME BPD behaviors but you are right - we aren't BPD - and in fact looking at my life CPTSD fits - BPD does not.

Unless its all fruit from the same disfunctional tree... .who knows. 

[drv3006]

Well I do have a "diagnosis" if you want to call it that since its not on the DSM yet - I pray one day it is cause its overlooked... .Complex PTSD - and its from exposure to the ups and downs the push pull... .the goal post moving... .gas lighting... .devaluations and recycleings over a long period of time... .that is ONE cause of this.  Some of the behaviors do mimic SOME BPD behaviors but you are right - we aren't BPD - and in fact looking at my life CPTSD fits - BPD does not.

Unless its all fruit from the same disfunctional tree... .who knows. 

So do I, I am in recover from alochol, depression and all kinds of stuff.  However, we all have some kinda a personality problem but let me ask you this.   Do you tell people you hope they watch their mother die a slow death.   Do you tell people that you loath them,   Do you project and tell people they are lies and dishonest,  Do you tell people everything that is wrong with them  and how they ruined your life.  I am guessing not.

[bauers220]

Well I do have a "diagnosis" if you want to call it that since its not on the DSM yet - I pray one day it is cause its overlooked... .Complex PTSD - and its from exposure to the ups and downs the push pull... .the goal post moving... .gas lighting... .devaluations and recycleings over a long period of time... .that is ONE cause of this.  Some of the behaviors do mimic SOME BPD behaviors but you are right - we aren't BPD - and in fact looking at my life CPTSD fits - BPD does not.

Unless its all fruit from the same disfunctional tree... .who knows. 

So do I, I am in recover from alochol, depression and all kinds of stuff.  However, we all have some kinda a personality problem but let me ask you this.   :)o you tell people you hope they watch their mother die a slow death.   :)o you tell people that you loath them,   :)o you project and tell people they are lies and dishonest,  Do you tell people everything that is wrong with them  and how they ruined your life.  I am guessing not.

No I have never done that... .she has devalued me that way - telling me recently I am sad, pathetic, a liar, manipulator, a user ... .oh and delusional... .

she's so sweet right?