approaching a BPD person about solving issues...

[curlybob]

How do u talk to someone who has BPD and talk to them about their BPD without upsettin them or for them to take it as a threat.

If I am the trigger but I could offer a way, so that the emotion is reduced by us talking about her

Issues with me and somehow come to an understanding.

How do you approach it, so they don't give you the silent treatment or get angry?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ZigofZag]

Have they be diagnosed BPD and are they aware of their condition?

What do you want to achieve?

[123Phoebe]

I don't know that 'talking about her issues' will get you to the understanding that you're seeking.

Validation will get you a lot further along... .

"Ya know, I've never thought about it that way"

"I can see how that would lead to feeling disrespected/frustrated/confused etc... ."

"Huh, interesting"

"Wow, yea!"

Active listening

Also, knowing your own boundaries for when things become a little topsy-turvy.

Does that help or are you wanting to get down to the nitty-gritty and fix her disorder? 

[curlybob]

Well they told me through yahoo answers they have it.

They won't talk to me directly. They post online  messages in the form of horoscopes.

When we first fell out  it created a trigger of emotion for her and that emotion has been attached to me in every form of contact.

So I was thinking if my approach was different  and I contacted her directly expressing that maybe if we worked on the emotional trigger the situation causes and work on what it causing it. Then reduce the trigger and emotion.

The situation is  now where its silent treatment but emails still beimg sent.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

In general, there are communication techniques that you can use, like S.E.T or D.E.A.R.M.A.N, which you can read more about here: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN).

Using lots of validation is the main point

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

What are her issues with you?

Do you agree that they are issues that need to be fixed?

If it's just a soothing mechanism for her, I'm not sure it'll do much good in the long run.

... .

Edit: posted this as you curlybob and Phoebe123 posted

[curlybob]

And has been pike this for 5 years.

I don't want a situation in 5 years to be where she is sending me horoscopes. Because she is fearful of starting a conversation in person, who at the same time can't stop sendig emails because she fears abandonment.

Its not really life for her that.

[curlybob]

@phoenix I can only guess that when we fell ot 5 yrs ago it set off some sort of emotion in her, and I cut contact with her soon after.

I don't think she liked it and saw it as abandoning her. So since then she emails me or does horoscopes for me... .has done for 5 years.

But she won't respond to me, just silent treatment.

[curlybob]

What do I do let the poor thing keep posting up messages online and email me and say absolutely nothing back?

Is that the best solution? Really?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I can see that you're worried about her.

We can't save others, though. They must save themselves. If she hasn't really talked to you, except through sending you horoscopes or emails for 5 years, it seems that's all she wants. Not much you can do to change that.

How about you? Do you wish to have a more intimate/romantic relationship, or do you just wish to talk to her about BPD? In general, telling someone they have BPD or what the disorder is about doesn't go over well. Addressing a specific behaviour can be useful. Then again, the person might not want to hear it.

If you're sending emails, you could try to write them in the form of S.E.T:

support, empathy, truth. It's a technique for conveying our opinion/truth on a subject.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

[curlybob]

I did want an intimate relationship. I really liked her when I first met her, she was one of the most impressive person I have ever met.

And I was willing to sacrifice my family opinions things so I could date this woman (never dated one before!).

But on the same flip of the coin I have never met anyone so complex in my life! She said she liked me, but then decided she hated me. She used the horoscopes to put me down almost daily and tell me all my faults. And my self esteem plummeted I am not the same as I once was.

She never respected my boundaries or had any respect for me. And that is horrible when you really like someone and they just kick you to the kirb!

Since identifying its BPD it just all makes sense. But I can't go on anymore. I don't dislike her but I could not have a relationship with her. I would like to be friends.

I would like to date a nice man, and just have a normal relationship of someone who truly cares about me.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I would like to date a nice man, and just have a normal relationship of someone who truly cares about me.

Sounds good. To work towards having that, it can be useful to take a close look at yourself and what brought you to this woman, what in you made you choose her. And is there something you carry with you that makes it hard for you to make healthy choices etc. A good place to do that is to head over to the Taking Personal Inventory Board where you can post when you have made more that 50 posts.

[curlybob]

@phoenix I don't think there is any issue with me. I like lots of people who have something about them. That doesn't mean I have some sort of illness? That you are implying? 

I am sorry that now also liking a BPD person is also another fault of a non BPD. The list never ends!

I won't have a problem meeting a nice guy I know lots of good people.

But I liked her a a lot, that isn't a crime or a  mental illness. The focus was my question and it seems you are more interested in finding out about me and blaming me not answering the question.

So I would rarther you pigeon hole someone else before  makimg false assumptions.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

@phoenix I don't think there is any issue with me. I like lots of people who have something about them. That doesn't mean I have some sort of illness? That you are implying? 

I am sorry that now also liking a BPD person is also another fault of a non BPD. The list never ends!

I won't have a problem meeting a nice guy I know lots of good people.

But I liked her a a lot, that isn't a crime or a  mental illness. The focus was my question and it seems you are more interested in finding out about me and blaming me not answering the question.

So I would rarther you pigeon hole someone else before  makimg false assumptions.

Curlybob, I'm sorry I made you feel like there's something wrong with you. That was not my intention.

It's just that we are many members here, me included, that have some baggage that makes us choose persons that are not that healthy. Baggage like having learned to please people before thinking of ourselves, not having healthy boundaries, wanting to achieve perfect results all the time etc. It can be worth exploring. If that's not the case for you, all the better.

[curlybob]

I accept your apology.

But you can like anyone without it being classed as unhealthy. I don't go into situations of  liking someone because of all my "baggage". I like someone for genuine reasons.

If I  stay and its unhealthy then I am wrong. But I don't tend to go for people who try to hurt me, but her behaviour was so bizarre,  there was no logical answer as to why?

Maybe I needed it just so I won't allow anyone to treat me like that again.

[DreamGirl]

Hey curly.  

If you could have this relationship look any way that you wanted it to - what might it look like?

Good Friends?

Romantic relationship?

Aquaintances?

Friendly but no communication?

The pwBPD in my life is the mother of my stepdaughters. I wish, wish, wish that we could be friends. Good friends. Where we could share texts and I could tag her in photos that I post on Facebook of the girls. I could call her for advice or discuss issues.

It's not really realistic for me - she doesn't want to be my friend for the most part. I, too, can be a trigger for her. It's taken me a long time to figure out why and where my actions can make things worse (like when I invalidate her without meaning to).

Understanding her behavior is the first step - and I can see that you're doing that. You said you want to discuss "her issues with you and come to an understanding".

Are you in a place where you feel emotionally grounded to hear what her issues are without personalizing them too much?

It's tough. I've been told that I'm doing things that I wasn't really doing - just perceived slights on her part - and it was hard to set that aside and not defend myself.  

A lot of times, you have to be the "grown up" in this where you let her have her feelings and you have yours without pinging off hers to determine yours. If she's upset, she gets to be upset - and that doesn't mean that you defend yourself. (Does that make any sense at all?)

I do think it's important that you determine what is realistic in your relationship with her.

Can we start with that?