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Author Topic: Seriously, what are the odds?  (Read 3112 times)
Eric1
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« Reply #30 on: October 08, 2013, 10:21:06 AM »

Dear Eric,

     Maybe you aren't narcissistic.  I was talking about myself and just suggesting the possibility for you in order to explain why you can't find anyone to compare with her.  The starting point really is whether you really think she's normal or not.  Your heart wants to believe she's just a normal kid who's a little messed up (like all of us). After all, what is the hard proof that she's BPD?  There isn't any; even if a psychiatrist diagnosed her as BPD, he might be wrong.  It's a great argument for your heart to make as there never will be any hard proof.  The problem is that your mind is obviously very strong and it just won't accept an argument that you know is wrong.  My advice is to listen to your head on this.  I think you know she's really ill, you just don't want to accept it.  I still fight this many days myself.

LT

I think the reason i can't compare, is i haven't ever been in such a passionate, volatile, emotional relationship before. The highs were high, the lows were low. But, when the common ground was found, it was great.

Some friends have said shes a bit mad, her brother told me that he doesn't know how i put up with her (& shes difficult), so some people can see it.

I was just going to ask her flat outright... .do you think we're soul mates?

Eric,

Her continued contact with you... .

Is keeping you... .

In that state of FOG.

It is what is keeping you... .

From properly healing... .

Almost like a structure... .

You are beginning to build... .

On sand... .

On the beach... .

But are too close to the water... .

And the waves(her contact with you)... .

Is just enough... .

To erode... .

The small beginnings... .

Of that very structure(your healing)... .

Hang in there Eric.

It's a very good way of putting it, ironman. Which is why i stipulated the last time we spoke for no more contact.

But, its hard to do.
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DownandOut
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« Reply #31 on: October 08, 2013, 10:29:19 AM »

My exBPDgf replaced me within a week, but didn't do too much to let me know about it. I went out one night on a date about a week and a half after we broke up just to try to get my mind back to normal and my ego re-inflated. I walk into the restaurant and I see her good friend and her fiancé. They must have immediately told her I was out with someone else (I even saw they were trying to take pictures of the girl I was with). The next day, her new sucker is rubbed in my face! From that point on it was a social media blitz to hurt me. I would have given up a lot to be with this girl, and I did, and she did everything in her power to hurt me. I don't get it. It hurts but if she's willing to hurt someone who did so much for her then this new guy doesn't have a chance if hes not half the man I am.
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Eric1
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« Reply #32 on: October 08, 2013, 11:10:46 AM »

I do want to ask her... .

Do you think we are soul-mates?

There can only be three outcomes. Yes, No or ignored.
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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #33 on: October 08, 2013, 01:58:29 PM »

Dear Eric,

      "There can only be three outcomes. Yes, No or ignored"  ... .and all three are likely to be wrong, as she doesn't understand what a soul mate really is.  What matters is what you think.  You do know what it means and you can find that person for real.  Reall... .not an image.  We're here for you man.  This sucks.

LT
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Eric1
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« Reply #34 on: October 08, 2013, 03:47:10 PM »

I just need awnsers from her.

At least then i can stop analysing.

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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #35 on: October 08, 2013, 03:57:45 PM »

I just need awnsers from her.

At least then i can stop analysing.

Eric1, I'm going to give you some "tough love" here... .  You are asking why the hurricane came and blew away the town. It cannot answer you. There is nothing the hurricane can answer for you, only that you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and ask yourself why didn't you get out of the path of the hurricane when you saw it coming.

Her actions already give you all the answers you need. A person's words have no value when they contradict that person's actions.
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DownandOut
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« Reply #36 on: October 08, 2013, 03:59:33 PM »

Eric,

I've been where you are. There are no answers. That is the evil of this disorder. We will never have closure... .ever. We must simply move on. If you were soul mates she would work just as hard to make it work as you do. She doesn't. That has to tell you something. As I've mentioned in other threads, I knew that my supposed soulmate wasn't even my good friend was when I spilled my guts to her about every feeling, every odd coincidence that would make it seem as if we were really meant to be together, all that I was willing to do for her and all the support I was willing to give her to get through whatever was troubling her and the only response I got from her was "I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I never go against my feelings." Well, that was it. If you're willing to fight harder for the relationship than she is... .it's not worth it. That should be the only thing you need when you're looking for any type of closure.
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winston72
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« Reply #37 on: October 08, 2013, 04:37:52 PM »

Well said, DownandOut.

Eric, if you ask her if you are soul mates, you will get the same answer as you already have over and over.  Her answer will be, "Yes and no and maybe."  That is the hurricane... .all at once, with different emphasis at different times.  Trying to get her to pick one is like trying to redirect a hurricane.

As LaoTzu has emphasized, analyzing the weather map to determine the path of the hurricane will bring you no wisdom or peace.  The only way to gain that is to look within yourself to see if this is what you want.  Your answers are within you, not her.  Analyze yourself, not her.
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Eric1
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« Reply #38 on: October 09, 2013, 03:34:31 AM »

The only awnser i really should be looking for is "Why do you still love her?"

Because I do. There's no kidding myself. If she came back, i would take her back.

I'm trying everything, staying occupied, chatting to other girls, working out, but nothings changing. She's still on my mind 24/7.

It's been over 3 months now. I can't see anything changing.
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strikeforce
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« Reply #39 on: October 09, 2013, 06:16:18 AM »

I thought it was love too but once I moved on I realized it wasn't love.

How can you love an abuser, even when its not their fault?
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Eric1
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« Reply #40 on: October 09, 2013, 06:56:30 AM »

I thought it was love too but once I moved on I realized it wasn't love.

How can you love an abuser, even when its not their fault?

Through all the good and bad, all her flaws, i still think she's the one.

I've got serious oneitis.
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strikeforce
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« Reply #41 on: October 09, 2013, 07:12:14 AM »

I thought it was love too but once I moved on I realized it wasn't love.

How can you love an abuser, even when its not their fault?

Through all the good and bad, all her flaws, i still think she's the one.

I've got serious oneitis.

I was exactly the same. Out of all my R/S she was the worst but still the one I wanted.

If its meant to be then it'll be - but for now focus on your own healing.
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Eric1
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« Reply #42 on: October 09, 2013, 07:22:37 AM »

I thought it was love too but once I moved on I realized it wasn't love.

How can you love an abuser, even when its not their fault?

Through all the good and bad, all her flaws, i still think she's the one.

I've got serious oneitis.

I was exactly the same. Out of all my R/S she was the worst but still the one I wanted.

If its meant to be then it'll be - but for now focus on your own healing.

This is what i want to tell her. That, we need to be with other people to work out if we are meant to be together etc etc And that i think shes my soul mate.

But, I said we can't contact. So... .
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eeyore
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« Reply #43 on: October 09, 2013, 07:28:28 AM »

Any contact you have with her at this point will only prove to be more confusion, more mixed messages, more anguish. 
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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #44 on: October 09, 2013, 09:17:42 AM »

Eric1 my friend,

     We're all hosting a battle between our hearts and our minds.  Your heart may need to take its lessons directly from the anguish and pain you will feel when you attempt to reconnect with her rather than listen to the wise guidance from your brain.  It is a much less pleasant way to learn, but if you go back and get hurt again enough times even your heart will learn to avoid this.  People have expressed it here a bit more colorfully as having coitus with a dead skunk until you decide you can't stand the smell.  Be that as it may, wiser heads than mine have suggested sometimes that if you need to go back in order to heal, then that's what you should do.  Its a delusion, I suspect, that you'll ever make any real progress in the r/s, but you may need to prove that to yourself a few more times. 

     Our advice here, I imagine, is what you will eventually come to believe even in your heart, and then you can take your place with the rest of us trying to warn people off from hurting themselves again.  Letting go is a process, not a decision.  You will have to find your own way in that process.  Please know that we're here for you anytime, though. 

LT
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #45 on: October 09, 2013, 09:49:20 AM »

Make a decision.  If you want her go get her.  If not, erase every shred of her from your life, focus on a future without her, and get busy.  Do it today.
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eyvindr
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« Reply #46 on: October 09, 2013, 10:23:29 AM »

Eric --

I feel for you, bud. I really do. I've been there, as have so many others here.

Some more tough love, if I may... .

This is what is screwing with my head so much. I have so many un-answered questions. If she is doing this with her new bloke, what was she doing when she was with me? I really thought she was different. I don't know what to believe anymore.

R-ships with pwBPD are ALL unanswered questions, Eric. When you were together, was anything clear? did anything make sense? Why would it now? Find peace in knowing that, at least now, you don't have to deal with it. You aren't obligated to figure this out, Eric, for you or her.

When she said about staying at my house, I said I don't think it’s a good idea, she said it was just to sleep because she was so drunk and ill. She then asked if it counts as cheating. When I spoke to her about this the following day, she said it had no ulterior motives, it was purely just somewhere to sleep.

She can say anything she wants to, Eric -- there's nothing to back up or refute her claim. It means nothing.

She keeps, to this day, saying i'm the only one that understands her.

Translation: You may be the only one who tolerates the chaos she creates. My ex told me the same thing -- very empowering (read: manipulative). I may have believed in her, or wanted to, and I was accepting of her -- but I never understood her. You can't understand madness.

It's been over 3 months now. I can't see anything changing.

Nothing changes without changes being made, Eric. You're the one who has to make them, not her -- she can't.

And, with all due respect, on the soulmate issue -- think about it, Eric. How many other people are on the planet? What are the odds there?

And, really -- if it's a benevolent Universe, if she were your soulmate, would she have BPD? I think not. Because the Universe isn't an ___hole, and you deserve better.

"Feelings aren't facts," right? Isn't that what we all wish the pwBPD in our lives could truly accept and understand?

Holds true for us, too. You're doing well. You stood up to her by not giving in to her the other night. You're using the boards to get all of this crap out of your system -- which is what these boards are for. Keep doing it. Stay strong, Eric.

Hang in there.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #47 on: October 09, 2013, 10:34:26 AM »

I just need awnsers from her.

At least then i can stop analysing.

I wanted this too.  I thought it would help.

When I did get answers ... .If that is what you would call them only served to increase the confusion.

I finally realized that I wasn't going to get answers from someone who didn't have answers for them self. 

Seriously think about the times you have asked for explanation and think about that explanation.  Did it make a lick of sense?

A good one from this thread is when she rationalized the sleeping over.  Seriously - not a lick of sense.  Has a boyfriend, wants you to love her still, and insists she's only sleeping on the sofa?  Sure she was.

She doesn't have answers Eric.  She just reacts. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #48 on: October 09, 2013, 10:42:49 AM »

eyvindr,

I do understand her to a degree now. I know she is generally bonkers. Whether it is BPD, i don't know. But, something doesn't add up.

Most blokes would have thanked there lucky stars, or left the relationship when the going got tough. I think the love blinded me, it's quite a powerful emotion.

There is this fight still in me. It's like I just can't call it a day.

One minute i feel like - You're better off, don't go back, you can't trust her. Then as soon as i think that, i tell myself - Nah, shes the one for you.

greenmango,

Thats what i said to her the next day. I said "It could have been a lot worse, as you wanted to come back to my house"

She said ":)on't take it the wrong way, it was purely looking for a place to sleep becaus i was passed out"

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GreenMango
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« Reply #49 on: October 09, 2013, 10:48:43 AM »

See what I'm saying. And if she did come home with and you slept together then it would have been - well I was drunk.   

There's a lack of responsibility on her part where her actions aren't really hers - they just magically happen taking those around her in tow on her rollercoaster ride.  It obviously doesn't matter how it affects others. 

These are answers in themselves.  Looking at actions are sometimes the best answers because you don't get caught up in the confabulation or stinking thinking of the person who can't make heads or tails of their life.
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Eric1
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« Reply #50 on: October 09, 2013, 11:06:10 AM »

See what I'm saying. And if she did come home with and you slept together then it would have been - well I was drunk.   

There's a lack of responsibility on her part where her actions aren't really hers - they just magically happen taking those around her in tow on her rollercoaster ride.  It obviously doesn't matter how it affects others. 

These are answers in themselves.  Looking at actions are sometimes the best answers because you don't get caught up in the confabulation or stinking thinking of the person who can't make heads or tails of their life.

She was desperate to apologise for raging aswell. I mean, 17 missed calls, then missed calls the next day. When she did apologise, she made an excuse for it because she was drunk.

I think seeing & talking to her, as well as knowing she's with someone, and trying to anaylize what shes been saying has set me back. But, thanks to this board, i can vent.

I want to email, but dignity and pride is preventing me.
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eeyore
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« Reply #51 on: October 09, 2013, 11:24:48 AM »

I want to email, but dignity and pride is preventing me.



I'm glad you have dignity and pride.
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winston72
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« Reply #52 on: October 09, 2013, 11:32:51 AM »

Eric, you have answers to all of your questions.  The answers are in her behaviors, not in her words.  her behaviors are solid and defined.  She is reactive, undependable, will easily lie and cheat.  That is the girl you are in love with.  And, if that is the girl you want, pursue her.  You know what it will all feel like.  It will not be any different than it has been or than you feel right now.

You have "fight" in you and you do not want to give up.  But, you seem to be fighting for something that has not existed, does not now exist and will not exist apart from therapy initiated by her.  

Is that fighting for the relationship, or your dream about what you want this girl to be to you?

Oh, my... .I am just stating what so many others have already written.  My heart goes out to you, Eric.  When I read your posts, I feel my own experiences of being in the same inner turmoil.  It is so much easier to exhort others than ourselves!  Keep wrestling with this... .you will find the pathway out of your conundrum, either through more painful engagement or some strengthening enlightenment, and there will be a better day ahead for you.
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houseofswans
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« Reply #53 on: October 09, 2013, 01:05:32 PM »

That saturday, and hearing the words 'i have a boyfriend' has destroyed me.

Hi Eric,

Man, when my ex told me that she was seeing someone else, I wanted to ask her for the piece of my heart she'd just ripped out of my chest.

And those words still echo around my head.

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Eric1
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« Reply #54 on: October 09, 2013, 01:16:40 PM »

That saturday, and hearing the words 'i have a boyfriend' has destroyed me.

Hi Eric,

Man, when my ex told me that she was seeing someone else, I wanted to ask her for the piece of my heart she'd just ripped out of my chest.

And those words still echo around my head.

It's the words none of us want to hear. But, she still contacted me! And then had the audacity to tell me not to pull infront of her!
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CatBlack

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« Reply #55 on: October 09, 2013, 01:29:10 PM »

And, really -- if it's a benevolent Universe, if she were your soulmate, would she have BPD? I think not. Because the Universe isn't an ___hole, and you deserve better.

This, this, this, I need this on a sign in front of me wherever I go... .
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Eric1
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« Reply #56 on: October 09, 2013, 01:40:29 PM »

Don't shoot me down.

But, I want her back. How would I go about it?   
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #57 on: October 09, 2013, 01:41:54 PM »

Eric,

We cannot protect you.

We hear what you are saying.

That person will hurt you... .

No matter how much you love her... .

I know you are fighting for a noble cause.

I get that.

She will not.

Not in the long term.

A soulmate... .

Would not hurt you... .

Like this.

Hang in there.

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Eric1
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« Reply #58 on: October 09, 2013, 02:17:32 PM »

I've wrote three separate emails.

They all make me sound crazy haha
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eyvindr
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« Reply #59 on: October 09, 2013, 02:23:08 PM »

Hi Eric --

I've wrote three separate emails.

They all make me sound crazy haha

It's ok. Something in you needed you to write them.

I know these feelings all too well... .

I do understand her to a degree now. I know she is generally bonkers. Whether it is BPD, i don't know. But, something doesn't add up... .

One minute i feel like - You're better off, don't go back, you can't trust her. Then as soon as i think that, i tell myself - Nah, shes the one for you.

Reading these articles helped me understand why I was feeling that way:

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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
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