Don't Know How To Handle An Impossible Situation/Question

[maryy16]

Hi all... .

Last week my H and I are driving to the airport to go visit our daughter for the weekend.  He is driving. Everything is fine, he is perfectly calm. The radio is on.  We really aren't talking, just a comfortable silence.

All of a sudden he says "Geez, how long is it?

OK... .so now starts my dilemma... .I have NO idea what he's talking about and he HATES having to repeat or explain himself.  It will ALWAYS trigger him and I really want the weekend to go smoothly.

As I see it, at this point, I have three options... .

1.  Say nothing and assume it is a rhetorical question... .but this is enrage him as he will feel that I am being rude. (which I can agree with)

2.  Ask him kindly and gently to please explain what it is he talking about... .but like I said, this is ALWAYS set him off no matter how I ask.  He usually will respond with something like "Well, if you're too retarded to know what I'm talking about, then I'm not telling you" or "You are so stupid, how can you not know what I was talking about? Any normal person would know"

3.  Try to figure out what he's talking about and answer him based on that.

I decided on Option 3.  I assumed he was asking how much longer it would take to get to the airport, so I answered "about 3 more miles".  Well, of course, I was wrong. It turned out it was talking about a song on the radio that had been playing for a long time and he was just asking a rhetorical question. Now how was I suppose to know that?

Anyway, of this incident triggered him and he was off kilter for the entire weekend. Does anyone have any advice as to how else I could have handled a situation like this? I just feel like it's always a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation.

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[Seppe]

Mary: .  I find one of the most exhausting aspects of the relationship is trying to anticipate what my better half is thinking and react accordingly. The truth is, that is an often times impossible task.

So, when I find myself in a quandary, I start from this position:  the truth is my best option.  If it is not sufficient, then so be it, I can't do any better.  Plus, I find that it is easier to work from that position than somewhere else.  More than anything, however, I find that the anticipatory stress of having to tip-toe around situations is greatly reduced and that has been beneficial for me.

[agad]

You could have said, "your penis?" 

Seriously, there are a couple of possibilities you haven't mentioned. One would be to say something unexpected, bizarre or confusing, hoping that he would have difficulty reacting in his habitual way. Another possibility is to be vague: "pretty long, I guess". Or to say "I was wondering about that, too". Or repeat the question. "Yeah, how long is it?"

I'm not saying any of this is better or trying to give advice, I'm just considering what are the possibilities in this kind of situation.

[123Phoebe]

You could have said, "your penis?" 

 

I agree with Seppe, that truth is your best option.

After your H explained he was talking about a long song you could've said, "Yea, it is long and will probably go on for about 3 more miles; check the odometer!", with a smile on your face

[agad]

I agree with Seppe, that truth is your best option.

Well, if you don't avoid confrontation, you have to deal with it in some meaningful way. So that becomes the focus instead. The slight problem in this case might be that it's harder to do while driving.

[Inspirationneeded]

I would have taken the Agad route of humor.  

Episodes while traveling are tough as you rarely have the oppourtunity to get away if need be.  I have found that bizarre off the handle responses can actually help.  Playing dumb also works.  

We don't always have to get to the bottom of things.  Their acting out is a way they cope with whatever feelings they are experiencing at the moment.  Injecting humor or providing a distraction gives an oppourtunity for them to get their minds off of those negative emotions.  

[Theo41]

WOW. There is no normal way to handle such a no win situation. Here's my experience with it: when she disregulates in the car I tell her I'm going home. This is like throwing a bomb into the situation. It gets much worse but in the end it scares and shocks her so badly she stops. Sooner or later ( it usually takes a while - hours not days) things return to normal.

In the past, I wouldn't speak up or defend myself so she would have an abuse field day with me until her switch flipped and then it would be a complete 180 to love and kisses.

I'm much more comfortable with how I handle it now. I have some degree of control (how much nonsense I'm willing to take) and my ego is in better shape.

[123Phoebe]

It will ALWAYS trigger him and I really want the weekend to go smoothly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, of this incident triggered him and he was off kilter for the entire weekend.

Marvy, perhaps this 'incident' had very little to do with him being off kilter over the weekend.

Thinking that one little thing we say or how we say it has the power to affect a person over an entire weekend is pretty grandiose.  And if he's telling you that that is the reason, well then fooey on him.

I agree with Seppe, that truth is your best option.

Well, if you don't avoid confrontation, you have to deal with it in some meaningful way. So that becomes the focus instead. The slight problem in this case might be that it's harder to do while driving.

The 'truth' in this situation (as I see it), is wondering what Marvy's H meant by "Geez, how long is it?"  With a whole lot of stress and emphasis attached to "it", for fear of her answer tainting an entire weekend.  It's not living in the 'now'; it's worrying about tomorrow's... . 

Marvy, can you be yourself with your H, or is there eggshell walking in other areas of your life together as well?  You mentioned that this happened last week.  Has it been bugging you ever since?

[rosannadanna]

 

He usually will respond with something like "Well, if you're too retarded to know what I'm talking about, then I'm not telling you" or "You are so stupid, how can you not know what I was talking about? Any normal person would know"

Maryy,

Is this verbal abuse the norm for your H, dysregulated or not?  And if it's during dysregulation, how much of the time is he dysregulated?

I think there is a fine line between eggshell-walking to avoid BPD-laden conflict and eggshell-walking to avoid abuse.  In both cases, we can become trauma bonded and it is unhealthy dynamic.

But I asked the above questions b/c it seems that you may fall more into a classically abusive relationship, where you are in a cycle of abuse and are trying desparately to avoid abusive treatment (verbal in this case).

I may be way off base, and I apologize if I am.  I don't have experience with a rager, since my SO is a leaver.  I just wanted to throw this idea out of there as a different way to think about your situation.

Take care

[maryy16]

Thank you all so much for your replies... .I will try the humor approach next time.  Agad... .Love the "your penis" reply! 

Phoebe... ."walking on eggshells" has been a huge part of our relationship... .that is why I am trying to figure out the best way to deal with these situations, as anything is likely to trigger him.  He was on edge for most of the weekend, BUT I do have to say that as soon as I brought it to his attention, he was able to calm himself down (which he can rarely do). It's so difficult because I have the added pressure in these situations of next answering quickly enough for him, so I really have no time to think clearly before he starts raging.

Rosanna... .the verbal abuse is rampant with my H.  You are not off base at all... .in fact you hit the nail on the head. That seems to be the only way he can deal with his frustrations.  He's just like a little kid having a temper tantrum screaming "I hate you" to everyone. I've been dealing with him for 30 years now, so the abuse has definitely taken its toll on me, but I am trying to learn new techniques.

[SweetCharlotte]

If it hadn't been this, it would have been something else. He must have been brewing some mixed feelings over the visit/trip.

As often happens when pwBPD get involved in an occasion or activity that is centered around someone else.