Can't Begin to Heal Until She's Out of the House

[Turkish]

I am being patient and giving her time, but not too much time, to get out of the house. Of course, having two kids together, majorly complicates the detachment from each other.

This weekend, I went with her to help her buy a cheaper car (we had just bought an expensive SUV, and two weeks later, she told me she didn't love me any more... .two weeks after that, i found out about the affair, and it's been two months of mental hell since). We hit two dealerships, making the purchase (she did, I just was there to sign off on the trade in, and also for support, because I saved her a few thousand more... .thinking I should rent myself out by the hour to help people buy cars :^)> She said she liked the second finance manager better; whereas, I said they were both scumbags, but the second one lied to us and tried to manipulate us more from the beginning. She looked at me and matter-of-factually said, "you think I can't see that about people... ." I just looked at her and said, "yes." She was silent afterwards, not mad at me though. She is high functioning enough to know what is coming down on her emotionally soon. In that, I do feel some compassion, but I can't be part of the process. Regarding the lack of true empathy... .this makes sense why she always ran criminal background checks on past boyfriends (I was "safe" given the way in which we met, where I had gone through the check for our volunteer work with troubled youth). She can't', and doesn't trust herself (and obviously other people) to see things that are obvious to most non-BPDs... .her current flame is a liar (she already caught him lying about another chick he had on the side, so in a way, she was already cheated on!), and a thief (of my family), and the weird thing she told me that he wanted to meet our son (but not our daughter? odd)... .combined with the fact that he was once in foster care and also that she is attracted to (fixing) him, makes me think he probably has at least one emotional disorder as well.

Later that night, after we put the kids to sleep, she came up to me and said she wanted to give me a hug (out of appreciation for me supporting her when I really didn't need to). It was VERY hard for me to hang out with her all day doing the car, she has no idea. Of course, I wanted nothing more than to do that. But of course I said, "no." Establishing a boundary. The one time that I will do that is on the day she leaves the house for good. Until then, I can barely stand to be in the same room as her.

[Clearmind]

Strong boundaries Turkish!

You would be right - its very hard to detach while still in the house. Do you have all your documents, copies of photos etc in order. There are practical things you could be busying yourself with.

Whats the timeframe for her to leave the house?

[Turkish]

Strong boundaries Turkish!

You would be right - its very hard to detach while still in the house. Do you have all your documents, copies of photos etc in order. There are practical things you could be busying yourself with.

Whats the timeframe for her to leave the house?

When she went out Friday night (to the bar, club, who knows... .I didn't ask, but at least she asked me if it was ok, because someone had to stay home with the kids), I busied myself doing those things... .I won't go into details in case this ever goes to court and they find me posting here, but it was nothing illegal, just password protected some of my files, put some stuff in the safe, others I gave to a friend for safe keeping, etc. As for photos, most everything is digital. A month ago, I had taken down the photos of us that we had in our room (and repainted it, which bothered her, which I suppose was part of the point). I still have them, and will burn them after she leaves. Maybe that seems childish, but it will help me. I have digital copies anyway.

As for the timeline, she has been looking. Affordable housing has a waiting list, she might qualify for it, but she is realistic about getting a one bedroom apartment now. I guarantee she won't make it financially, even when I pick up half of the childcare expenses, because now she has the car payment. I told her it would have been the same, since her old car would have blown up within two months because I was the one who kept it going. I just don't want her here for the holidays. Typically, a lot of holidays were ruined by her behavior. Hopefully, these will be the last.

The funny thing about the car... .when we drove away in the new one this weekend, she looked back at the one we only had a few months and said that it was harder to leave that one than when she traded in her other one she had for eight years (she got that one two years before she met me). On some levels, she is honest about things.