silent treatment

[Steve4444]

I am getting the silent treatment.  My BPD spouse is crazy mad about something.  I ask what is wrong and she says "nothing".  This has happened before.  What do I do?  Keep my mouth shut and ignore this insane behavior?  Do I push this issue to find out what is wrong?  This has happened before, and when I push her to tell me what is on her mind, all hell breaks loose.  I am not doing a great job of dealing with "typical" borderline behavior.  This is not an isolated incident.  Thank you.

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[Seppe]

I doubt much of anything will get resolved while she is in the middle of being upset, so I don't see the benefit of pushing her at the moment.

I have learned to enjoy the silent treatment; a few minutes to do what I want.

I think you will find that when she realizes her silent treatment is not affecting you, she will tell you very quickly what is on her mind. 

[Grey Kitty]

For starters, we do have a workshop on it in the lessons here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

In answer to what can you do? Not as much as you would like--you cannot make her talk to you or acknowledge you.

Your best bet is to find something that you will enjoy without her... .and do it.

The other useful thing I do is occasionally offer a kind greeting or offer of something nice, perhaps a cup of tea or something. In an open and friendly but not pushy or demanding way. Although only when I'm feeling grounded and content.

The reason I do this is that the silent treatment can be one of three things regarding you... .and it can be hard to tell them apart:

1. Punishment for something that she feels you deserve to be punished for.

2. Her recognition that she is in such a horrible mood that she would only hurt you if she did interact with you, and an effort to spare you of that.

3. Reason #1 or #2 is gone now, but she's still not talking out of inertia or embarrassment at what she was doing.

Reaching out won't do much damage in state #1 or #2, but probably won't do much good. However if she has made it into state #3, a friendly touch is a wonderful opportunity for her to return.

How long has it been this time?

 GK

[waverider]

Acknowledge that you have noticed she seems upset about something, and that you are willing to talk about it if, and when, she wants to. Then just get on with something else.

It can be a form of shutting down/acting in, or just another form of emotional abuse. Acknowledging validates the former and getting on with your own stuff is disengaging from abuse. Then you have done your bit now it is up to her, you are not a mind reader and any attempt to be one will back fire.

[123Phoebe]

Acknowledge that you have noticed she seems upset about something, and that you are willing to talk about it if, and when, she wants to. Then just get on with something else.

It can be a form of shutting down/acting in, or just another form of emotional abuse. Acknowledging validates the former and getting on with your own stuff is disengaging from abuse. Then you have done your bit now it is up to her, you are not a mind reader and any attempt to be one will back fire.

Something along this line happened just yesterday.

My pwBPD was clearly in a low mood.  The 'old me' would have taken it very personally, fearful that whatever was going on was either about me or would be made to be about me, hence ruining our time together-- I would be making it about me which would have backfired in a big way.

I simply asked if everything was alright (with him)?  Found out that an old college friend had died and he was feeling pretty bummed about it.  Talked about it some, shared a few memories, then continued on with our projects, a little quieter than usual; all was fine 'between us'.

   

[waverider]

This is true, it is not always about us, but we are quick to assume it is, stick our nose in, then suddenly they see an avenue for projection (and soothing) and it then becomes about us. We react... game on... transfusion of emotion

Lack of consistency means a deep emotion can be transferred onto anyone, about anything at anytime. Its not about the subject matter, it is about the feeling. Hence once dysregulation kicks in the topic swings everywhere until they find a weakness.

Of course not noticing they have an issue, is almost showing you don't care, they are not important> abandoment etc Another reason it becomes your fault.

So acknowledge, then give space. It will make you feel better if nothing else.