15 year old daughter with BPD

[tdpams]

Hi I am a mom of 3. My middle child has always been different and at times very hard to handle. The problem started the day she came home from the hospital at 3 days old. She screamed all of the time for an entire year.I toon her to the dr many times only to be told nothing was wrong. At age 3 she started having dreams all of the time. She never slept and was afraid of everything. I mean everything. Once again the dr said nothing was wrong. At age 11 she became violent , chasing family members with knives hitting kids at school etc... currently she has been suicidal , cutting herself and manipulating everyone in sight. She only makes it to school a few days a week and when she is there I constantly have to go to the school because something is always wrong with her. She lies constantly even about stupid things. I donr know where to turn I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff about to fall off. Someone please help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mary93]

HI tdpams. you have found a great place to be it helps it really does. Has your daughter been diagnosed as you didn't mention it? Sounds like my daughter when she was younger but she would have periods where she was very functional and she did great in school top of the class. Her disorder only came out a few weeks ago and she is now 20. I really wish I had found out about this earlier as I could have stepped in as she was a minor, but now shes an adult and nothing I can do. I know it might sound odd to you, but as a mom to me you could be in a better place due to the age ( I am presuming she is still a minor), as some of the decisions will be up to you. I know we cant force a BPD person into therapy if they don't really want it, but since she is a minor you must still have some influence over her? What I wouldn't give right now to have my daughter be a minor right now, as seems to me there is so much that I could try and do, now I am totally helpless and have to sit back and watch and hope and pray for the best. Take care of yourself first, as she will need you to be strong for her, that is the best advice anyone has given me, to take care of myself. Hang in there, its tough but you have found a great place here.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi tdpams,



I am so sorry your daughter is having such a hard time. And you and your family also, as a result.

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety.

It is terrible to know that something is not right and have the professionals tell you nothing is wrong, or that she'll grow out of it... .

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources. There is a lot there, so take it as slow as you need:

What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

I just want to encourage you, and let you know that there IS hope in all this... .

[jellibeans]

We have been where you are right now... .believe that things will get better... .can I suggest you read Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr? It really helped me a great deal. I feel the more I read about this disorder the better equiped I was to deal with it. There is no magic pill out there... .it takes a lot of work and your dd is young so you are lucky you have a dx so young and can try and get her help. Is she is counseling? Have you found a DBT therapist?

School is a bigg stressor for my dd too... .last year she went to 4 different schools... .it was a nightmare... .this year she is at a new school and coping better but she still has her days. I have sat down with the school for a 504 and soon will sit down for an IEP... .our kids are emotional disabled right now and you need support from the school if she is going to get through. My dd has a hard time getting through the week without illness but I am firm with picking her up or letting her come home... .is there someone at the school she could go to during the day if she is feeling overwhelmed? At one her last schools she was able to go to the principals office and just sit there... .she didn't need to talk but it was a safe place she could go... .maybe there is a place for you dd?

Ask for help from the school if this is where you are seeing the most trouble... .you might come to the conclusion that she needs a different kind of school to succeed... .not all kids can handle public school. Have you looked into that? Or does your school district have another campus for kids that are at risk of dropping out?

Finally what are you doing for yourself? Do you have a therapist? someone familiar with BPD? You need support through this all. Really get the book and you will find such good advise there... .

[BioAdoptMom3]

As the mom of a 14 y/o DD with BPD traits my heart goes out to you!  We have 2 other kids too (she is the youngest) and I know how much this can effect the entire family.

As for the school issue, something we have tried which seems to have helped a little bit is to text her 2 or 3 times a day, just a sentence or 2, letting her now what I am doing, saying I love you, am thinking about you right now, etc.  Since they fear abandonment and rejection so much (ours is adopted so with us its an issue for that reason too) it is just a way to help them feel connected when they are away from you. 

I would insist on seeing a therpist.  Something we did which helped a little bit is to take our DD to her own pediatrician who gently discussed therapy and the need for it, with her.  She still did not want to go, but we made her (she was 12).  She has also been on Prozac and Abilify, and especially the Abilify, have been very helpful in controlling her mood swings.  That might be an option, especially if you have a different doctor for her now and/or a doctor whom she trusts and respects. 

I wish you all the best and want you to know we are all here for you!  I have found this to be a very supportive place!