Introduction

[edel maria]

Hello, I am new to the site, myself and my sisters are convinced that our Mother has BPD and that she (and the family) need help with it. We are all cracking up under the strain and dont know what to do. We have tried to get her to talk to a therapist but she is very reluctant. She is 76 has chronic pain with fibromyalgia, arthritis and IBS, she has outbursts of such emotional intensity, everything is negative and extreme. She displays extreme mental distress, rage, some paranoia and is obsessed with her health. She has now got a possible breast cancer diagnosis hanging over her and has to have a biopsy next week. We are all dreading what is going to happen next. We want to be supportive but she is so completely draining to be around and makes us all feel so very anxious. We dont know whether a diagnosis would be helpful at this stage of her life or whether there is any hope for any change. I hope to be able to find some help from this site as we are lost. Thank you.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  edel maria,

I'm sorry you are having a rough time with your mother, but I am glad you found our website.  There is a great amount of excellent information here.  Like you, I believe my mother has BPD and it has been quite the revelation.  I am still trying to wrap my head around some of it.  I would worry so much about a diagnosis for her as I would about ways you can better communicate with her and ways to take care of yourself by setting boundaries:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Here is an interesting article:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Phoenix.Rising

[zone out]

Hi Edel Maria

I would like to join Phoenix Rising in welcoming you to BPD family - there are so many people in this community who will be able to identify with your situation - I also have an elderly uBPD mother, and I could have written your post!  My mother has not been diagnosed but by the time I finished the book "Walking on Eggshells" I was pretty certain.

There are a lot of good resources on this site, Phoenix Rising has given you great links to start with.  When I joined I also found it useful to input key words in the search facility and check out archive posts specifically relating to my situation.  Above all it is just such a relief to know that you are not alone in what you are dealing with.

Keep reading and posting, let us know how things are going.

All good wishes to you.

Zone out

[edel maria]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and give me such useful information. Although I have found the revelations quite depressing there is also relief and just a little hope that I can find a better way through. I am learning such a lot and feel that some of my instincts have been validated. I have sensed a slight shift in myself and I am also going to have some CBT for my own self preservation. Thank you for caring.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi edel maria,

I'm glad to hear you are going to have some CBT.  Please don't hesitate to start posting on the  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board I suggested.  You will find that a lot of others understand and are working towards improving their lives.

Best to you,

Phoenix.Rising

[zone out]

Hi Edel Maria

Glad to hear you are getting some therapy, I'm starting some myself.  I know how draining the situation you described in your first post is.  My mother is exactly the same - combination of lots of health concerns and extreme mental distress/rages.  I used to think there must be something I could do to alleviate this terrible mental anguish she was going through, but they have to learn to soothe themselves.  I could never understand the extreme intensity of her emotions but my lightbulb moment in regard to the condition came when one of the senior members explained to me that "their feelings are their reality".

One of the tactics I use is to depersonalize the situation by thinking of her as a 'project'.  When things are really difficult I sort of 'role play' on the way over to her house, getting myself in the mindset of a therapist - sounds a bit crazy I know but it kind of helps you detach and take some of the heat out of the situation.  I went round today in my 'therapist persona' fully expecting trouble as she was in terrible form yesterday.  BUT she was completely different, nice as pie, it is almost as if I am dealing with two different people.  I then brought out my other tactic of rewarding her for being good, so I stayed longer and we had a really good chat.  Tomorrow - who knows!

Read around the healing board - you will find a lot of posts you can identify with.  Let us know how you get on.