I was doing pretty good ...

[toomanyeggshells]

but now my D27 and her bf are visiting from California this weekend and uBPDbf is off the rails.  It always happens EVERY SINGLE TIME before either of my kids comes to visit.  (UBPDbf and I live together.)

So now the issue is this.  My D27 and her bf have lived together for 1-1/2 years.  UBPDbf is adamently against them sleeping in the same room at our house for the 2 nights they're here.  We're not married and we sleep together; he knew that his son and gf were sleeping together in uBPDbf's house (before we lived together) and he didn't stop it.

I feel that its completely hypocritical and he's only taking this stand because its my kids.  He always makes these demands on my kids that he doesn't make on his own when they visit.  He says, if it ever comes up, he won't let his kids sleep together in our house, but he's done it in his old house. 

I know that he has a right to feel the way he does and be respected in his own house, but I also feel that I've put up with month long visits from his son and DIL and other guests on his side of the family with no problems from me.  I KNOW this is his way of trying to control a situation that he doesn't want to happen.  He hates when my kids visit (which only happens a couple of times a year anyway).  He's actually said it to me. 

I'm just sick to my stomach about this.  I can't have a conversation with him about my feelings, I've tried and it turns into him screaming at me, bringing up long-ago things that have nothing to do with the current situation and name calling. 

Also, he brought up that "this isn't how I was raised" (unmarried sleeping together).  I actually asked him if he was brought up to have children out of wedlock (which he did) or live with someone outside of marriage (which he's done in the past and is doing now).  THat just set him off more - which I knew it would but I didn't care.  Don't I ever get to say whats on my mind?

UGH! I just don't know what I'm going to do in two days. I'm probably going to let them sleep together the first night (they get in after midnight and uBPDbf will be in bed) and if he wakes up and goes into a rage, then they will unfortunately see what I live with and it will cause me to move forward on getting away from him. 

Why does everything with him have to be so difficult?

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[daylily]

Hi eggshells,

     It sounds like you're letting your BF's issues get to you, and you're trying to get him to see your side of things, when he's just not capable.  I think you're right that he's trying to get control of this situation and maybe stir up some conflict because he is uncomfortable with having house guests.  His discomfort is his to own, not yours to take on.  You have enough to worry about with guests coming into town.  He's probably pushing your buttons by hinting that you're immoral or a bad parent because you want to let your ADULT daughter sleep in the same room with her BF.  Whether or not she shares a room with her boyfriend is arguably not even YOUR business, and it certainly isn't your BF's business.  Yes, it's his house too, but this isn't about the house, it's about your daughter and what you decide you will let her do in your presence because you're her mother.  Everything else is just distraction on the part of your BF in a desperate attempt to make himself feel better.

I know you don't want a scene while your daughter and her BF are in town, but if we go through life compromising ourselves to avoid conflict, where will we be?  I struggle with this every day, but I'm getting to the point that I'm separating myself from my H and not taking on his issues.  It's soo hard, but it has to be done.  If I were in your situation (and of course this is your decision, not mine, to make) I would let them sleep in a room together if that's what you feel is appropriate.  Let the chips fall. If your BF freaks out, you have someone to go out and do fun things with while he stays home and sulks!

  Daylily

[waverider]

This is a delicate one. Yes it is a control issue, and you want fairness, but fairness is not always achievable. A lot will depend on how your partner demonstrates his "outrage".

If he is the acting out type and likely to make your daughters visit a nightmare especially towards her, you have to consider whether you want your time (which is not often) with your daughter completely spoilt I probably would consult your daughter and if its no big deal for them work around it.

If you are the only one that bares the brunt of his displeasure and your daughters visit would otherwise not be ruined I would stand by what you think is right.

It's a case of picking your battles and weighing up what is the best outcome for you, and not putting your daughter in the middle of it, and hence highlighting your RS with your daughter as an easy trigger for him. I used to contest everything and it made life a nightmare, biting off too much at once. Now I just deal with it a bit at a time.

In short you can choose to go head to head, or you can choose not too, either is OK just as long as it is a conscious choice and not fear default.

[toomanyeggshells]

He's probably pushing your buttons by hinting that you're immoral or a bad parent because you want to let your ADULT daughter sleep in the same room with her BF. 

Yep, that's exactly what he's said and there was no hinting about it. 

It's a case of picking your battles and weighing up what is the best outcome for you

That's exactly what I feel I'm doing - picking my battles.  My D and her bf have come to visit a number of times over the 4 years uBPDbf and I have lived together and I told her previously they couldn't sleep in the same room because uBPDbf doesn't approve and she and her BF slept at a friends house.  Now that she's older, and more serious with her bf I feel like its time to change the situation and that's why I'm picking this battle.  She's not some young kid coming home from college with a new boyfriend looking to sleep in the same room.  This is a totally different type of situation.

And its all about control and his uncomfortableness with anyone other than his family.

[waverider]

Have you discussed this with your daughter, including the potential fall out? You both need to be prepared to weather this and support each other, and not allow this issue to dominate or spoil the visit.

[toomanyeggshells]

I haven't discussed it with her.  She's never seen or heard any of uBPDbf's outbursts, but my younger D24 has and I'm sure she's told her older sister about it.  And D27 does know that things are not good between us and that I've had an exit plan for a long time so nothing will come as a complete surprise.