He broke up with me and has already moved on...

[November_Rain]

We dated for 6 mos and broke up 4 times in the last 2 mos of our relationship. This last time, we didn't have a fight... .He just said he shouldn't be in a relationship but that he still loved me. After nc for 4 days, he messaged me on Mon to tell me he was thinking about me and praying for me and ended it saying "I love you". He asked to see me that evening and I declined. This morning I noticed on facebook he is friends with a new woman, who doesn't live in our city. I think he met her on an online dating site. I found out that during our last breakup that he was visiting dating sites and that he still has an online profile. Why does he tell me he loves me after breaking up with me, and then goes on to meet new women? I guess I was waiting around hoping that he would "see the light" about how much I loved him and would be here for him but he has already moved on... .Hurt and even more brokenhearted now than before. Can anyone shed some light on why he is doing this?

[Octoberfest]

Hi BrokenbutBlessed,

BPD a complex disorder... .made all the more complex by the fact that different aspects of the disorder interact with each other to cause even more confusing aspects.

Two main themes in BPD are fears of abandonment and shame.  pwBPD are terrified of being abandoned- so much that oftentimes they will go out and find "back ups" while they are in relationships, so that when my bf/gf leaves me, because they are going to, how could anyone truly love me? (shame), I am not going to be the one who gets hung out to dry, they are!.  Not all pwBPD have overlapping partners (mine certainly did- 3 guys in 3 cities at one time), but even for those who do not another hallmark of pwBPD is that they move on quickly.  This has to do with the shame aspect as well.  Many pwBPD cannot stand being alone.  My BPDex was actually told by her therapist to start spending an hour a day alone.  An HOUR.  And it was incredibly hard for my BPDex.  She ALWAYS had to be around people. I asked her why once; "because if I am by myself I just have time with my thoughts".  Thoughts filled with and corrupted by shame of the things she has done and of the things that have been done to her.  Quite simply, being around people and being in a relationship/romantically involved with people is a coping mechanism for her.  If she is doing that, she doesn't have to confront all of her demons.

pwBPD, unless they get SERIOUS about therapy (not all that common unfortunately), are ALWAYS running from their pasts.  And they always will be.  It is terribly sad.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Octoberfest is right.  Not all pwBPD will immediately find a back up and move on to your replacement immediately after a breakup, but many many do.  Mine did as well and denied it.  I found out a month later when he plastered it all over facebook.  Its quite hurtful.  Just remember that this behavior is due to their inability to be alone.

Additionally my BPDexbf also told me “he didn’t like being alone with himself”.  He HATED alone time and said this many times throughout our relationship.   So you see, they cant be alone, their innate fear of abandonment triggers them to find someone new, to avoid these uncomfortable feelings.  Its not about you or the new partner.  It honestly could have been anyone who was simply “there”.  And its not that your relationship meant nothing to them.  Its just that they cannot deal with their fear of abandonment and have gone on the rebound in order to avoid it.   Ive come to find that multiple breakups trigger that fear, and they live in perpetual fear of it.  They will continuously return to you until they find your replacement.   

Additionally, a fresh partner  makes them think that they can start over, press the reset button and maybe this time things will be different.  However keep in mind that it will NOT be different.  It may take a week, months or sometimes even years for them to be triggered again and for the disorder to take over.  But know that it will indeed eventually take over again, just as it did so many times before you with their previous partners and during your relationship.  It may or may not work out with their rebound/replacement, but if it does its  because that person will ignore red flags and issues or may be just as messed up.    A healthy person cannot have a healthy relationship with a pwBPD who has is not working on change and doing intense core therapy.  This is a personality disorder and it’s a cognitive illness.   It is NOT because the new partner is better than you or that your relationship meant nothing and they never cared. 

its not about you.  Its about their disordered choices.  . 

This is the behavior. 

Stay strong.  it takes some time, but with time comes real clarity.

[Ironmanrises]

Octoberfest is right.  Not all pwBPD will immediately find a back up and move on to your replacement immediately after a breakup, but many many do.  Mine did as well and denied it.  I found out a month later when he plastered it all over facebook.  Its quite hurtful.  Just remember that this behavior is due to their inability to be alone.

Additionally my BPDexbf also told me “he didn’t like being alone with himself”.  He HATED alone time and said this many times throughout our relationship.   So you see, they cant be alone, their innate fear of abandonment triggers them to find someone new, to avoid these uncomfortable feelings.  Its not about you or the new partner.  It honestly could have been anyone who was simply “there”.  And its not that your relationship meant nothing to them.  Its just that they cannot deal with their fear of abandonment and have gone on the rebound in order to avoid it.   Ive come to find that multiple breakups trigger that fear, and they live in perpetual fear of it.  They will continuously return to you until they find your replacement.   

Additionally, a fresh partner  makes them think that they can start over, press the reset button and maybe this time things will be different.  However keep in mind that it will NOT be different.  It may take a week, months or sometimes even years for them to be triggered again and for the disorder to take over.  But know that it will indeed eventually take over again, just as it did so many times before you with their previous partners and during your relationship.  It may or may not work out with their rebound/replacement, but if it does its  because that person will ignore red flags and issues or may be just as messed up.    A healthy person cannot have a healthy relationship with a pwBPD who has is not working on change and doing intense core therapy.  This is a personality disorder and it’s a cognitive illness.   It is NOT because the new partner is better than you or that your relationship meant nothing and they never cared. 

its not about you.  Its about their disordered choices.  . 

This is the behavior. 

Stay strong.  it takes some time, but with time comes real clarity.

In bold.

If the pwBPD is getting... .

The validation... .

That they once got from you... .

From other enablers(close friends/family)... .

They don't have to find a romantic partner.

If they are surrounded by such enablers... .

That is your replacement.

Those f¥cking people.

The sycophants... .

And suck ups... .

Who applaud them... .

While you are destroyed in the process.

Does that lessen the hurt... .?

No.

Hang in there.

[winston72]

Gaining more understanding about "why he is doing this" is helpful and seems to be a necessary aspect of healing and moving forward after such a relationship.  It was a big driver for me... .why? why? why?  And, there are some answers, but usually not ultimate answers.  The disordered behaviors have a rationale behind them, albeit one that is quite different from someone who is not disordered.  We have a real need to make sense out of traumatic situations.  This is true of other types of trauma.  Finding meaning or developing a narrative to impart meaning to something seems to be a common human trait.

I would like to add another emphasis to your thinking about his behavior.  In addition to the why, perhaps focus more on how he behaves... .what he does.  Just look at the facts... .who is he and what does he do?  You do not need to know why he does these things in order to determine if you want to be around someone who acts like this.  One cause of hardship as these relationships come unglued is having a grip on what really happened... .who the other person is.  We think that understanding their mind, their real motives, what goes on inside them will enlighten us.  We minimize how they behave.  That is likely all the information we need... .we just don't want to accept it.  Your guy is undependable, disloyal, not empathetic or considerate.  He acts this way consistently, with periods of harmony mixed in.  That is the way it is.  :)oes the why really matter?  I know it does because we want to understand what is happening to us and why, so it is relevant to that quest.  But overall, in terms of evaluating their merits as a partner for us... .I think the importance you should impart to their behavior should be increased.

[DownandOut]

My exBPDgf had someone ready because she knew she was pushing and pushing and I would eventually walk away, like I've done so many times before. I knew that something was going on with this other guy, but I didn't say anything and that's one of my biggest regrets. I'm not even sure what I would have gained from saying something, she probably would have just lied and made something up; however, I would have loved to see her face when I mentioned his name. I didn't find out until a week and a half later due to action on my part.

The next part of the story goes like this, I had an admirer that had been flirting with me throughout my relationship but I never acted on it because I am loyal. Being that she was very attractive, once my relationship was over I decided to go out to dinner with this other woman to get my mind off my exBPDgf because I knew it was over for good this time and she did something, that I considered, indefensible (it wasn't even the cheating at that point). As I walk into the restaurant, I see my exBPDgf's friend and fiancé and they see me! Beginning the next day, it was a social media blitz of pictures of her and the new guy, kissing, calling each other baby, talking about how spoiled she was by him. The last thing to me is very important because about 2 weeks later she put up a picture of them at a very generic vacation destination; however, 3 weeks before that her and I were on a European vacation that I mostly paid for and when I say mostly I mean 90%. It was significant to me because she put up a picture of her and him at that generic place, but the amazing 2 week vacation in Europe - not ONE photo on social media. I tell you all of this because I truly believe that she isn't even happy with this guy even though she may pretend to the world that she is. I forced her into having to grab on and hold him for dear life. I ended the relationship and even though she may have been in contact with this guy prior to me ending it, she told me that she didn't know what to do because she didn't want to "lose me." Of course, she would continue to see the other guy until she could make a better decision, but I didn't give her that chance. Now she is out in the ocean holding on to a something that may, or may not, keep her afloat. Don

[saw_tooth]

Additionally my BPDexbf also told me “he didn’t like being alone with himself”. He HATED alone time and said this many times throughout our relationship.

   

In response to the line in bold above:

My ex BPD guy is high functioning avoidant type and exhibits OCD and NPD traits as well.He uses working excessively(upto 14 hours a day on weekdays and weekends too) as a means to prevent the 'being by myself and free' situation in which shaming and negative thoughts might creep in.So it is 'something' or 'someone' they must have to keep the void at bay.[/quote]

[leftbehind]

If the pwBPD is getting... .

The validation... .

That they once got from you... .

From other enablers(close friends/family)... .

They don't have to find a romantic partner.

If they are surrounded by such enablers... .

That is your replacement.

Those f¥cking people.

The sycophants... .

And suck ups... .

Who applaud them... .

While you are destroyed in the process.

My situation exactly, Ironmanfalls.  My exBPDbf is surrounded by people who treat him like he is some kind of spiritual guru.  In fact, the woman that he triangulated with in our relationship was my friend and employer for 20 years.  She is 30 years older than my ex, but they became "besties", so when he broke up with me I left a place I'd been associated with for 20 years, while he stepped into my slot and got way more work days and promotion than I'd ever received in all my years there.  The owner was enamored/in love with him, and now I am persona non grata with that community.  I chose to believe I'm better off, but it still strikes a harsh chord for me.

[Oliolioxenfree]

LeftBehind,

I dealt with a similar thing.  The triangulation with his little harem of cackling shrews who never liked Me.  The a$$ kissers, the ones who put him on a pedestal even when his behavior was at his worst I as still made to look like it was me.

I understand how hard this is during and after a relationship.  Consider yourself lucky to be free of ALL OF THEM because I GUARANTEE they/ and or the replacement will face similar issues in one form or another at some point.  People like this throw you crumbs and make you think its a cake.  if you were given crumbs what do you think the others are getting... .Id say even less. 

[November_Rain]

Thank you for all of your replies. This does help me, although I still don't know the why. One thing I keep seeing being repeated is that BPD's don't like to be alone, but mine does like to be alone. He took a weekend vacation 2 states away just a few weeks ago so that he could be alone. He is now living alone for the first time in his life, so we'll see how long that lasts. But he constantly tells me he needs space and craves his alonetime.

[alliance]

Funny how these threads pop up when I most need them.

When I lose track of what BPD is all about, it is easy to get into self blaming, self disparaging, dysfunctional thinking.

Thank you for reorienting me to the reality of what I was and am dealing with. It helped, again, to refocus my thinking to healthier thoughts based in the reality of the situation.

[goldylamont]

Thank you for all of your replies. This does help me, although I still don't know the why. One thing I keep seeing being repeated is that BPD's don't like to be alone, but mine does like to be alone. He took a weekend vacation 2 states away just a few weeks ago so that he could be alone. He is now living alone for the first time in his life, so we'll see how long that lasts. But he constantly tells me he needs space and craves his alonetime.

this actually is really interesting as my experience and pretty much all i've read from others is that BPDs do not like being alone. but, also has me thinking here--he could just be lying. as consistent with abandonment fears is their ability to lie; he could just be making all this alone time stuff up and lying to you if he thinks it's what you want to hear. not saying that this is your case as all cases are different, but the more "normal" situation would be that there was a woman 2 states away that he was visiting and now that he's "living alone" doesn't mean that he's not actively dating or seeing other people--regardless of what he's telling you (even if it's "i still love you, only you and want to be with you"

[leftbehind]

Unfortunately, I agree with Goldylamont.  My ex made the same big deal about "I can't be with anyone right now."  My gut tells me he went out and got laid that night, and that of course someone was waiting in the wings.  I know for a fact that he went up to visit his "sex friend" a few weeks later, and then a couple of weeks after that asked out someone he had friended on facebook while we were together.

These people lie like drinking a glass of water.  And because they do it so much, they're completely believable.  Again, I'm sorry that you're going through this, Broken_but_blessed.  Believe me, I've been where you are.  This site will save your sanity, especially when you feel like reaching out to him.  Come here instead!

[Ironmanrises]

If the pwBPD is getting... .

The validation... .

That they once got from you... .

From other enablers(close friends/family)... .

They don't have to find a romantic partner.

If they are surrounded by such enablers... .

That is your replacement.

Those f¥cking people.

The sycophants... .

And suck ups... .

Who applaud them... .

While you are destroyed in the process.

My situation exactly, Ironmanfalls.  My exBPDbf is surrounded by people who treat him like he is some kind of spiritual guru.  In fact, the woman that he triangulated with in our relationship was my friend and employer for 20 years.  She is 30 years older than my ex, but they became "besties", so when he broke up with me I left a place I'd been associated with for 20 years, while he stepped into my slot and got way more work days and promotion than I'd ever received in all my years there.  The owner was enamored/in love with him, and now I am persona non grata with that community.  I chose to believe I'm better off, but it still strikes a harsh chord for me.

In bold.

Those very people... .

That surround them... .

The enablers... .

Contribute... .

Whether... .

Knowingly... .

Or not... .

To the way... .

The disorder... .

Manifests itself.

They literally... .

Feed the f¥cking thing.

Pardon my language.

They make it worse... .

For us.

And only... .

Us.

You cannot approach them... .

About the fact... .

That the very person... .

Whom they are worshipping... .

Is disordered.

So you have to remove yourself... .

Altogether... .

From the situation... .

While... .

The enablers... .

Continuously... .

Feed the appalling behavior... .

Of the pwBPD.

[Chapboy]

Hi brokenbutblessed.

Sorry for your relationship troubles. I'm not certain, based on what was provided in this thread (is there other information I'm missing?), that your ex had/has BPD. Obviously his behavior is out of line and not acceptable by any standards.

My ex, who did have BPD, lived a relationship of unbelievable lies. She spit every kind of jargon you could imagine/desire: "I love you." "I'm always going to love you." "No one will ever love you as much as I do." I did deeply care for this girl. I discovered her dark past of being abused by a teacher (supposedly). A majority of our 18 month relationship hinged on the fact that she was, again, raped by another man, as opposed to cheating on me. I was emotionally abused for questioning her, even after she continually lied about having "evidence" of being raped. This included hiring a private investigator, claiming their was video of a forceful kidnapping, and so much more (mindblowing stuff). I simply couldn't believe a human on this earth could lie to this extent while claiming to love someone.

I've come to appreciate how lucky I was to get out alive, literally, with nothing but a learning experience. I even feel bad with her, and she got pregnant probably a few days after we finally cut it (this was another long story). The best step to healing is understanding that if he does have BPD, you will never feel or get the love you deserve, as it is unlikely he is capable of truly loving you, since BPDs internally despise themselves. Although I'm sure it is difficult, consider yourself lucky that it stopped here. There are plenty of better men out there

[goldylamont]

... .These people lie like drinking a glass of water... .

LOL LOL  , i never heard that one. you cracked me up leftbehind.

and yes, to the original poster and in response to leftbehind--after our breakup my ex and i actually cried together and said we still wanted to be respectful and be friends. she said she was going to take time out and not get in a r/s with anyone. less than 2 weeks later she had added a new bf on facebook while we were still living together, started lying to people to smear me and took every opportunity she could to insinuate how much better this guy was than me (to me personally and to the world in general). all while drinking a glass of water!  

[leftbehind]

Glad to make you laugh, Goldylamont

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Lying and my undiagnosed-BPD ex-bf... .

Hmmm.

Well, there was a LOT of truth that he didn't tell me, if that makes sense. Times when he allowed me to believe something he knew wasn't true, or didn't tell me that a situation had changed but allowed me to go on thinking it was as it had been, that kind of thing. Not being honest with me, in that way.

But actual, direct, outright lying to my face?

Hmmm...

Difficult... .

I have still not really been able to find any sentence I can point to and say, "and THAT was an outright lie!".

What I think went on - his world is so intensely painful, confusing and ever-shifting that he loses his grasp on reality quite frequently.

I think he told me truth, as he saw it at the time. What I had no way then of knowing was that he was not in the real world.

As I understand it, BPDs are so overwhelmed by guilt and shame and fear, that their subconscious builds up protective mechanisms in early childhood that they don't even know they're using. One of those is to protect them from the huge guilt, shame, fear of how they hurt those they love - and lying to oneself is a very common self-protecting mechanism.

I know I have looked back and realised that I lied to myself to prevent a painful reality from breaking me.

I suspect I am still lying to myself over my ex *truly loving only me* but I think I need that self-lie right now, because there's only so much my mind can take at a time, and I need to heal some more before I could really cope with "maybe I meant very little to him, maybe he has completely forgotten me". Typing that makes me flinch, so yeah, not going there just yet. I'll stay with the nice little conviction that I was and still am truly special to him (I do genuinely think this, btw - I'm aware of the "I meant very little" idea, but prefer to think I was special to him).

But for him - I think he has some level of awareness of the damage he does in people's lives, and his mind prevents him having to face it, by skewing the reality he sees.

So he has not been honest with me, he has not been straight with me, he has not been open with me, he has treated me appallingly, he has behaved badly to me... .but I don't know that I would say he has "lied to me" because I'm not sure it is lying if the person themselves believes it at that time.

He just loops in and out of reality, I think. Not in every way - he's not mad. He holds down a good job, and so on. Just when it comes to close interpersonal relationships, when it comes to people about whom he cares deeply - he loses reality intermittently, I think.

[goldylamont]

I suspect I am still lying to myself over my ex *truly loving only me* but I think I need that self-lie right now, because there's only so much my mind can take at a time, and I need to heal some more before I could really cope with "maybe I meant very little to him, maybe he has completely forgotten me". Typing that makes me flinch, so yeah, not going there just yet. I'll stay with the nice little conviction that I was and still am truly special to him (I do genuinely think this, btw - I'm aware of the "I meant very little" idea, but prefer to think I was special to him).

Escaped I don't think you're lying to yourself believing that at least some of your r/s with your ex was 'real' love. I've grappled with the same concept, and while I do feel in some situations a person has to really look at the past r/s and wonder how sincere the exBPD was with their intentions, that we have a right to claim at least some authenticity to how we felt during the experience.

Perhaps it's easier to understand my perspective from an example, and this is highly subjective by the way, but the way I think about it. I think pwBPD have all sorts of r/s just like nons do--some of them mean more to them and some of them don't really mean so much overall. The confusing part is that they all end in the same terrible way. In this regard, I don't put the r/s my ex had with the guy directly after me as "real" to the degree of what we had--our r/s lasted 4 yrs, we met each other's family's, lived together, and our whole r/s wasn't simply defined by her disorder (she was pretty high functioning). Her r/s directly after me only lasted 4 months, and to be honest on top of it being blatantly a rebound r/s for her, I think it had as much to do with punishing and embarrassing me both publicly and privately than it had to do with her "just trying to be happy". After she was done doing her Facebook strut and public devaluation of us, and she finally moved out, they broke up within a couple weeks and she started contacting me again. When I refused to play this game she went back to him, for a couple more months before destroying him and moving onto something shinier. All of this is to say that while I don't think my ex is capable of truly sustaining a loving adult r/s, there's still different levels of commitment and emotion she is capable of, and I feel our history shows that I must have been someone truly special to her. So, as you're parsing things out I think it's ok to feel that some parts of your r/s with your ex were real if you truly feel like it was real for you.

Regarding the lying--well I never, not even a little would have described my ex as a liar during or r/s, and even a short time afterwards. Sure she was crazy as hell but I trusted that she wasn't a dishonest person. But, let's just say that all this fell apart once I did some investigating of my own and came into full acceptance of who she is. The truth is, as someone else said earlier she could "lie while drinking a glass of water", . It took just a little crack in her facade for me to start seeing the truth--she was talking with her mom about her new b/f in front of me (we had broken up a few weeks earlier but she still lived with me), and she told her mom that they had met while she was walking the dog. But she had told me they met at a bar (which I believe to be true). I asked her later why she said that to her mom and she said she didn't feel like being judged by her mom that she had just met this guy at some bar. It was what I call a 'little' lie, but this is what really opened up my eyes--I was like "ooh, if you can tell a lie so easily like that to your loving mother of 3 decades, you could *easily* lie to me who you now hate and have known for 4 yrs". Once I had this awareness then all the straight up lies were much easier to see and accept. Hope this helps Escaped!

[patientandclear]

BBB--just wanted to chime in on the issue of being alone.

The thirst for space and alone time is not atypical of pwBPD.  I don't think it is necessary to assume that it is a lie.  (It's certainly possibly that he is dating someone else too -- I'm addressing actual physical aloneness, not metaphysical aloneness.)

One of the ironies you see on the Staying Board is how often pwBPD need space.  A lot of space.  Sometimes an astonishing amount.

Getting re-regulated is very demanding.  Especially when they themselves don't know what's going on, why it is happening or how to fix it.

pwBPD have different tendencies, too.  The guy I'm connected with seems to be a "hermit"-type pwBPD -- increasingly skeptical of relationships, has his tight little very rigid routine, is fearful of having anyone else in his house, etc.

I don't think he's ceased his quest to find The One, but his preference for aloneness and his resistance to letting any one in, is a big barrier.  Solitude is his safe place.

I've read enough BPD stories to know that this is far from unusual.  The irony of this disorder is that it drives people who suffer from it in contradictory directions: to get closeness, then away from closeness, to bond with others, to retreat into a safe routine they can control.

[HarmKrakow]

After my ex broke up with me, she started partying like crazy, (starting friday ending sunday) and drinking and etc.

I thought 1+1 = 2 and rather than sit on my ass and cry every 2 or 3 minutes (which I was doing) I decided to also go partying 1 month after we broke up. The third party going in I met my current girlfriend. Rather than the 'playing it safe', 'is it the right one', 'blablabla', i went for it with 100%. I only live once, can be alone forever, lets enjoy today and see what happens tomorrow.

Than later my ex found out that my current girl doesn't find her attractive (she admitted she logged into my facebook account of which I thought she didn't know the password) and I received that hammering on my ass again.

I could have cried, being depressed and a sad ___ since we broke up in March and contemplating suicide. But now I am just a crying depressed sad ___ who lives in a new apartment, has changed therapist, followed PTSD/EMDR consult, and I have this new girl and working towards a new future.

My question to myself was, why wait? Is there ever such a 'good' thing as being ready for a relationship? For work? For a next step in your life? Ever?