Conflicting realities of our lives together...

[nevaeh]

My daughter just celebrated her 16th birthday last week.  I was going through old photos to post on Facebook and it was a VERY emotional experience for me.  Aside from the fact that my daughter is now 16 (!), I look back at the past 18 years (of marriage to uBPDh) and realize that there are multiple realities of our lives together.

The first "reality" is the one you see in the photos.  D16 as a baby, smiling, happy, not a care in the world.  Then, over the years, there are pictures of family birthday parties, sporting events, family vacations to Disneyworld, school dances, playing at the park, the day my H left for Iraq, the pumpkin patch and July 4th parades and Christmas mornings.  All of them, we are smiling.  To anyone outside of my world, the "reality" I live in is that we are the "perfect" family.  We both have very good jobs, we live in a beautiful house, our kids are talented athletes and good students, people LIKE us.  Yet, I look at those pictures and I can remember the pain going on in the background.  I have tried SO HARD to shield my kids from their dad's issues.  I have let H get away with WAY MORE than I should have because I wanted to minimize drama and stress for them.

So... .I remember that during the family vacation to California I and the kids were HURTING because H was being awful.  He and I got into a screaming match in the hotel because our middle son wanted to plug in his iPod and couldn't find the charger, which was followed by H having a tantrum because son "loses everything" and is an "irresponsible little ass".  (yes, he said that to our son, who was 8 at the time).  H was pissed off every day of that vacation.  I know that behind the smiles we were all hurting.

... .I remember the family birthday party when H got into a huge argument with his sister about immigration... .they were yelling at each other while we were supposed to be celebrating our 2-year old son's birthday.  Or the Christmas morning after H confronted my then 15-year old nephew because said nephew was having a teenage moment and was mad at his mom so was refusing to join the family for Christmas.  H thought he was doing everyone a favor by confronting my nephew and "offering" to "beat the $hit out of him and some sense into him"... .in front of my sister no less. My sister didn't tell me about this until after Christmas to spare my feelings.  My sister hates my H.

... .I remember the day that H left for Iraq, and the incredible emotions that I experienced that day.  I vividly remember watching him walk down the hallway to the airplane, thinking that I might never see him again, and wondering how I would handle everything on my own.  I actually thought we were in a "better" place that day... .that the fear of losing each other had been that awakening we had always needed and that, from that day forward, our marriage would be BETTER.  He was having a relationship with, and having sex with, his commanding officer within about 4 weeks of stepping on that plane.

Basically, I find it hard to look at any pictures of myself during my marriage.  I KNOW what pain I was feeling at any given point in time.  Sure, there were "happy" times.  I do a lot of thinking during my car drive to and from work every day.  I remember days where I felt so happy I literally felt like I would burst.  I remember more days where I have dreaded going home because I never know which reality I am going home to... .crazy/angry H or kind/happy H.

So, there it is... .conflicting realities.  How do I reconcile these memories?  I do remember happy times... .and some of those happy times are captured in photos.  I also remember so much stress and sadness... .those also captured in photos although disguised by smiles.

These are just MY realities that I'm dealing with.  What are my H's realities?  I actually don't know for sure, but I know that his reality also varies by day and is negative or positive depending on where he is at, emotionally.  I don't know what H sees when he looks at old pictures.  I would imagine he doesn't "remember" the bad times in the same way that I do, if he even remembers at all.  I wonder if he is able to look back at those pictures and think, "wow, I am so lucky to have lived such a great life".  He probably doesn't remember the incident with my nephew in the same way that it actually happened (or at least would never admit that he remembers it that way).  Does he remember yelling at our middle son so loudly and crazily that son would make himself vomit (this started probably at the age of 3)?  Does he remember all of the fights that he and I had because he was acting crazy because of middle son's behavior?  Does he remember any of the times he broke things or knocked holes in the wall?  I think he must remember, how could he not?  But in order to remember and not hate himself he has to re-write history and create a reason why he did what he did.  So, even within himself, he may remember but he remembers differently.  Again, conflicting realities.

Last night I went to my daughter's sporting event and had to leave H at home to get my boys to their sports practices, leaving H alone with boys until about 8:30.  I got a text from S12 about 30 minutes before I got home... .ranting about his brother and his dad and how he was so angry and that he was going to kill them both.  I didn't see the text message until I got home (thankfully) because I was driving, but casually asked H how the boys had been.  He (calmly) told me that the boys had gotten into a fight and that he didn't know who started it but that at some point S8 was biting and scratching S12, and that at some point S12 punched S8.  H said he sent S12 to his room and S8 was watching TV on another floor so all was calm when I got home.  I talked to S8 and he said that S12 tried to suffocate him with a pillow and he couldn't breathe.  S12 said that S8 started kicking him and that he punched him... .that's all.  S12 has SO much anger for his dad that any reaction from dad causes anxiety for him.  S12 said that H yelled and cussed at him and he felt like he was the only one being punished (although he was only sent to his room, so really not punishment).  I talked to both boys at length last night.  I honestly didn't know who was telling me the truth, making it hard to discipline either of them.

I have deep concerns for S12.  He doesn't get angry often, but when he does he can say some pretty scary things.  When he was around 8, he would tell me that he was going to kill himself.  We talked a lot last night about the fact that even if he is really angry it isn't right or acceptable for him to get physical with his brother OR to say he is going to kill anyone.  S12 was fine by the time he went to bed, but I would be lying if I said I felt like everything was really fine behind the scenes.  S12 needs counseling.  He would be an unwilling participant, I'm sure.  But, S12 has always taken the brunt of H's ranting.  He is incredibly sensitive to H's swearing at him or calling him names.  Any type of criticism from his dad is very upsetting to him.  Yet, when H is in a good mood, S12 and H joke around and "act" like they might actually like each other.  I don't make excuses for H's behavior, ever, and I think S12 knows that I am his constant, his rock, so-to-speak.  I don't feel like counseling will do any good until we are separated, and H away from S12.  At that point, counseling would almost be like a detox for S12.  He will be 13 in a few months.  I don't know at what age kids can make the decision to not be with or visit a parent but I'm pretty sure that S12 will want to minimize time with his dad once we are divorced. 

I guess I got off subject... .the bottom line is that my life/family/marriage is a whole plethora of conflicting realities.  I think this is partly what makes us, the spouse/partner of a pwBPD, feel like we are going crazy.  As much as I WANT that reality of the happy, smiling, family... .I know that the reality is that we are a broken family and that H has been the poison to make us like we are.  I have so many regrets... .why did I wait this long being the main one.  I had my reasons, mainly protecting my kids, but I do wonder how things might have worked out if I had just done it.  The fact is that I am where I am, and I have GOT to find the courage to leave my H.  I have to stop worrying about H's feelings and feeling bad that I will be taking everything away from HIM.  HE has taken so much from us... .and I don't think the reality living in his mind is even capable of seeing the damage he has caused.

Sorry for the long post, I am just trying to get a lot of feelings out right now.  It is getting closer to the time when I set as my goal for leaving H and as that time comes I am becoming more scared and more emotional. 

[winston72]

Thank you for your reflective, thoughtful post Javamom.  It provokes a lot of thoughts and feelings within me about my own life.