Sometimes winning, mostly losing...

[houseofswans]

this damn breakup battle.

Those of you familiar with my story, I can say that I'm now off the sleeping tablets and valium - but still enjoy a glass of wine!

The things that I'm struggling with are these:

Whilst I deliberately avoid anything that has a connection with her: music we listened to together, videos we watched, places we went, etc... .

I am 100% sure that she's not doing the same with her new man.

Which makes me wonder if she's got any sort of emotional connection herself with things that we did together, and is now sharing with Mr X. Surely, they must tug at her heart strings and remember the fun and laughter we had doing those things? Will she even think about me whilst doing those things (specifically I'm talking about places and restaurants we went to - one restaurant I know for sure they have been to a couple of times).

When she said she wanted to remain friends, why hasn't she contacted me to ask how I'm doing, especially as she knows how much she meant to me?



Or will she be wondering why I haven't contacted her. I wonder if she's thinking "Oh, well, he's not interested in contacting me, he can't love me that much... ."

When she would "go off on one" (a local expression to denote rage) I would be at a loss to know what to do other than argue my point and hope that she would see reason and accept that she was being unreasonable, but it was always my fault. So I had to break contact, in the hope that she'd see the light and understand that she was being unreasonable.

She never contacted me during the breaks, it would always be me who initiated contact because I would be left feeling guilty and blame myself for what had caused the break, even though I knew it was her fault. If she thought I was being unreasonable and it truly was my fault, then why were we together off and on for four years? And why, even when she told me that I'd abandoned her, did she keep coming back?

I saw her brother in law this morning, just a brief hello.

I could have explained to him that I'd been on the pills to try and keep body and soul together, and sort of wished I had, because it may have got back to her how badly I was taking the breakup and she'd feel sorry for me. Or would she?

And yet, and yet... .

The thought of them together, being intimate and whispering sweet nothings to each other, is driving me to distraction. It's like I never existed. I looked after her so well and treated her like my Goddess. She said that she'd never been treated so well by anyone in her life before. Yet she started seeing Mr X whilst we were on a break and kept on denying his existence even after they'd been together for three months. Maybe she was fed up with me keep walking away (even though I knew I'd be back), but each time I hoped and prayed that she'd take responsibility for the reason that I walked away. She never did.

And it doesn't help when I think (the most erotic thoughts) about when she was doing cybersex with anyone who would pay to see her perform acts of onanism, because of the hypersexuality.

I know that she's toxic and that if we got back together, it would just be a matter of time before the unreasonable behaviour began again. And I'm trying so hard to think negative thoughts about her. But the positive thoughts about her keep winning the day... .

[Ironmanrises]

I am at the movie theater... .

About to watch the movie

"Gravity"... .

For the second time... .

Amazing movie with a powerful message... .

For all us Nons on here... .

Including me.

And reading this... .

Literally brought me to tears.

You saw far too much... .

And now... .

Those things you saw... .

Are haunting you.

Literally.

I saw far too many things... .

Too... .

At the end of round 2... .

I don't know if there was someone else... .

But I went NC right away... .

That very day of discard... .

So that I can to protect myself... .

From her... .

And from myself too.

You need to find something to occupy your mind.

Anything.

Otherwise... .

These ruminations... .

I still ruminate... .

Not as much as before... .

Will dissolve you... .

From the inside.

Keep posting on here.

You are not alone.

Hang in there buddy.

[Conundrum]

I am sorry for your suffering, but you are letting her rent too much space in your mind. They are the swirling storm. They do not invest in consequences--like you or I. When we take their words or actions too seriously, we imprison ourselves in despair. It is not our responsibility to monitor, or correct them--for they are alien. To make heads or tails of their behavior is a journey down the rabbit hole--that will always leave you feeling dizzy and disordered. Should it be any other way? It is a volitional choice to accept unstable turbulence, or seek shelter. That is a personal decision. We all have different needs. But do not expect a swirling storm to be equitable--even if it was once a gentle breeze. All things change.

[Tricky]

I feel for you.  I can identify with so much of what you've said.

It's exhausting and painful thinking about an ex with BPD, and all the realizations that come with it. It's even more exhausting trying to keep your mind off a pwBPD you've loved and shared too too much with.

I'm totally exhausted!

It's a fine line between over thinking and resolving emotions.

Hang in there. 'Sometimes winning' is a good sign

[hopealways]

houseofswans the new man will suffer the same if not worse fate than you.  No BPD on the 10000's of posts on this board has lived happily ever after. Not one. They just jump from one to the next and leave a wasteland of devastation behind them.  My BPDx did the same with all her exes - one after the other she devastated. The one guy other than me who she could not find any fault with she ended up leaving completely out of the blue (or so she says but sounds right-you can never trust what they say about their exes).

In short, RUN RUN RUN.  Be happy that you are out of it TRUST ME! Every day that you move forward you will feel so much better.  It's okay to be sad, let yourself feel, but stop imagining the new guy.  If it makes you feel better to know he will be destroyed worse than you (and he will because unlike you he won't know she is BPD so he will think he's at fault) then that's okay too!

[houseofswans]

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement  

I was hoping for answers to my questions, but maybe because you don't know her, find it difficult.

As I said in reply to another post, there's a part of me that doesn't want to believe that she's BPD/NPD (it would help my peace of mind so much if she was!) and that the reason we have finally split is because it was all my fault. I think that because of the 'traits' of BPD behaviour, she doesn't tick all boxes. She doesn't try and self-harm, nor is she physically violent. Nor did she ever leave me, I always left her (as explained above). Does a BPD have to tick all boxes?

She did paint all her exs black, and it saddens me to think that she's painted me black as well. How much of her tales of stormy and violent relationships should I believe?

She was the one who was always abused (or so she says), and she did tell me that she's suffering from ptsd (or so she says). A photograph I saw showed her with a black eye - violence from her narcisstic ex (or so she says).

But, if her NPD ex did give her a black eye, I wonder if that was because he couldn't stand her BPD behaviour pattern any more?

Would a narcissist accuse others of narcissism (she accused me once) to try and mask their own behaviour

And another incident she related was when a different ex, incensed by her cyber-sex, became violent (i don't know any more details). Again, is she painting this man black and her BPD/NPD behaviour forced his hand?

I just don't know what to believe anymore, and this is what's driving me to distraction  :'(

Did she end the relationship because she couldn't stand not knowing where she was with me during our breaks? If so, then why would she not attempt to make reconcilliation during these times - I was always the one to return. And she never once tried to clear the air with suggestions about how we could move forward without the constant breakups. She knew how bad I felt about our splits, she knew how they were affecting me emotionally. Yet she never showed empathy or even gave me a comforting hug when I broke down in tears one night when I related to her that I missed my beloved cat who had died. When I told her my mother had died, she never gave me a hug and said "I'm so sorry... ."

Nothing... .

One night we met a friend of hers in a city-centre restaurant. I was in excruciating pain with a bad back and was unable to eat, let alone sit upright. She NEVER once offered to help me by giving me a quick massage, she just continued chatting to her friend. On the way home on the bus, she never asked if my back was getting better, if I was getting hungry or anything to show she cared about how I was feeling.

It was like I was just there to continue telling her how wonderful she was, how great she looked if we went out, and how much she meant to me. I hardly ever got anything in reciprocation.

And yet I still went back to her (as comic-book guy says: "There's no emoticon to show how I'm feeling right now... ."

To more pain - I was never truly happy in our relationship because she was so selfish and self-centered. She cared about herself and that was it. I was the narcisstic supply she craves, I'm sure.

Once we had a "Fashion Show" - basically she would try on different outfits that I'd bought her (£700 last Christmas), and one thing led to another and she became hyper-sexual. Of course, this was incredibly erotic for me, and a few weeks later when she told me about her online cyber-sex persona, I said it was just like when we had the Fashion Show. ":)id you think I was doing that just for you" she said - basically, she was fantasising about her online activities, I was just another observer, albeit in the here and now. Maybe stupidly, I was taking lots of photographs and videos of her "performing" (now deleted I hasten to add). I told her that they would help me in my *ahem* quiet moments when we weren't together.

I feel like I'm ranting on a bit now, but the thought of them together is driving me CRAZY!

I try, I really do try to let sense prevail and tell myself that whatever they are doing together (sexually), is only what she did with me and the countless partners before me.

And it sort of helps.

But I do miss her more often than not. I have an email address that was used just for our correspondence, which is good because I can access my usual email without worrying that there might be a message from her. But I'm tempted, oh so tempted to just have another look at THAT email, in the hope that she's contacted me. But I'm resisting - OK, it's only a week since I last looked, but seven days is seven days... .

What I fear the most, because she lives only three miles away is seeing her accidentally - I just KNOW that my legs would turn to jelly, my heart start to beat faster and feel that the six weeks NC will be blown wide open. And that's just if she's on her own. If she's with Mr X, and God forbid holding hands, that would destroy me. And I think I've related the situation where she turns up at my house, maybe asking how I am and I see a ring on her finger.

I just COULD NOT stand that!

Call me weak-willed, emotionally-stunted or whatever else you want to level at me, that would... .well, I can't put into words how that would feel.

Yes, I LOVE her, I HATE her, and at times (just like the song) never want to be with anyone but her... .

She just kept me hanging on for three months when it would have been so easy to tell me that she'd met someone else. Why did she do that?

She's with me all the time, I'm always 'talking' to her when I'm out and about, and here's a weird thing, I've adopted a lovely little smile she has, which I can't seem to stop doing, consequently reminding me of her... .

AAaargghhhh!

[Ironmanrises]

House... .

You have answered your own questions... .

She has a disorder.

Her erratic behavior... .

The fact that you are on this forum... .

Painted her exes black... .

Her supposed lying... .

Her accusal of you... .Is projection... .

Which is another trait of the disorder... .

Her lack of empathy... .

She never offered to help you... .Self centeredness... .

Hyper sexuality... .With little regards to you.

You wrote out all her behavior.

My exUBPDgf showed... .

Many of those very things you mentioned.

You ask at the end... .

Why did she keep you hanging on like that... .?

Because she has a disorder called BPD.

I know it hurts.

[Ironmanrises]

 

It hurts me... .

Reading... .

All these accounts... .

Seeing... .

My very own brutal experience... .

Literally written... .

By people i do not even know... .

And it reminds me... .

That... .

As much as i wish... .

That none of this was real... .

Horrifyingly... .

And unfortunately... .

Enough... .

It was.

Carnage and broken hearts.

Mine included.

[Tricky]

Houseofswans

Like Ironmanfalls it's painful see read your posts. Sometimes it's like they have been written by me. So many similarities.

I only became aware of BPD during treatment for PTSD following my ex's horrific attempted suicide - she set herself and her car on fire outside the bedroom I was asleep in. Every mental health professional I came into contact with mentioned BPD as a probable cause of her behaviours. Initially this made me feel better and eased the terrible guilt I felt - it got me off the hook somehow. But now, although I am convinced she has BPD and depression, it doesn't seem so important. Her behaviour is the important thing, not a diagnosis. And she will not change.

I wish you well on your journey to wellbeing. There are many of us travelling the same path.