This what needed to be done --- but, it hurts and hurts a lot.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

What a journey it has been for the last 18 months or so. Boy meets girl on a dating website. Boy and girl get married 6 months later on 12/12/12. Boy files for a divorce 6 months later after girl asks boy to move out more times than there are fingers on his hands. Boy and girl reconcile for a few months and things are much better --- not quite perfect, but much better.

Yes, a journey of learning how ugly and frustrating and confusing a relationship can be --- especially when dealing with a mentally ill person.  I have thrown the white flag up. I give up. I am tired of the cocktail of alcohol and BPD and the results of it. The physical abuse. The cutting down. The inability of using normal conversation and logic to solve problems and improve the relationship.

We separated about 10 days ago. My wife for the first few days was adamant we should stay married and God's divine intervention would save our marriage.  She proclaimed she was in love with me.  Today it is don't ever talk to me again. I have deleted all of your e-mails and text messages. How quickly can your serve me and we get the divorce so we don't ever have to communicate again.

The natural progression of destruction of our marriage needs this divorce. I should be doing cartwheels and have a smile on my face as I no longer have to deal with Dante's BPD Inferno.  And yet I feel sad. Very sad.  Last Christmas was a total disaster.  The Christmas tree got torn down by my BPD wife.  Put back up and then torn down again.  New Year's Eve. Wow!  It would have been a more relaxing evening in a holding cell than dealing with a drunk BPD wife who insisted on displaying behavior that defied decency and fell outside the guidelines of civilized behavior.  And yet, I miss this person. Why?  It makes no sense at all.

The last two days I have been accused of the intangibles. I am spiritually bankrupt to the max.  I am unredeemable.  I am told that not all the money in the world will not get me out of hell.  She is sick of me.  This coming from a Christian woman who has slapped me, hit me, scratched me, caused physical damage to property and most recently said she was going to rape me and "get it" from me one more time.  She disrespected me at the drop of a hat and thought that was perfectly OK.  And yet, weirdly, I miss her.  I am sad about the loss of a relationship. I am sad about the loss of 3 minor step children.  I am old enough and wise enough to know, this too shall pass.  Each day will have a little less hurt.

And yet, if she showed up at my doorstep with a smile on her face and a kind word along with her sexy little moves, I would have a great deal of difficulty turning her away.  I pray I get my dignity and self-respect back. So many tell me I can do oh so much better. That I deserve oh so much better.  In my brain, I know they are right.  However the heart seems to not follow the brain on these matters.

I suspect my post is me just venting my sadness and hurt --- a hurt that hurts unlike any before.  I am confident a number of you have been here as well. I will keep reading the messages of hurt others have had in their lives as a reminder I don't want to experience that hurt again.  I need to get emotionally healthy again so the next round for me will be the relationship where mutual respect is on a daily basis.

ABB

ABB

[AliveButBeatup]

What a journey it has been for the last 18 months or so. Boy meets girl on a dating website. Boy and girl get married 6 months later on 12/12/12. Boy files for a divorce 6 months later after girl asks boy to move out more times than there are fingers on his hands. Boy and girl reconcile for a few months and things are much better --- not quite perfect, but much better.

Yes, a journey of learning how ugly and frustrating and confusing a relationship can be --- especially when dealing with a mentally ill person.  I have thrown the white flag up. I give up. I am tired of the cocktail of alcohol and BPD and the results of it. The physical abuse. The cutting down. The inability of using normal conversation and logic to solve problems and improve the relationship.

We separated about 10 days ago. My wife for the first few days was adamant we should stay married and God's divine intervention would save our marriage.  She proclaimed she was in love with me.  Today it is don't ever talk to me again. I have deleted all of your e-mails and text messages. How quickly can your serve me and we get the divorce so we don't ever have to communicate again.

The natural progression of destruction of our marriage needs this divorce. I should be doing cartwheels and have a smile on my face as I no longer have to deal with Dante's BPD Inferno.  And yet I feel sad. Very sad.  Last Christmas was a total disaster.  The Christmas tree got torn down by my BPD wife.  Put back up and then torn down again.  New Year's Eve. Wow!  It would have been a more relaxing evening in a holding cell than dealing with a drunk BPD wife who insisted on displaying behavior that defied decency and fell outside the guidelines of civilized behavior.  And yet, I miss this person. Why?  It makes no sense at all.

The last two days I have been accused of the intangibles. I am spiritually bankrupt to the max.  I am unredeemable.  I am told that not all the money in the world will not get me out of hell.  She is sick of me.  This coming from a Christian woman who has slapped me, hit me, scratched me, caused physical damage to property and most recently said she was going to rape me and "get it" from me one more time.  She disrespected me at the drop of a hat and thought that was perfectly OK.  And yet, weirdly, I miss her.  I am sad about the loss of a relationship. I am sad about the loss of 3 minor step children.  I am old enough and wise enough to know, this too shall pass.  Each day will have a little less hurt.

And yet, if she showed up at my doorstep with a smile on her face and a kind word along with her sexy little moves, I would have a great deal of difficulty turning her away.  I pray I get my dignity and self-respect back. So many tell me I can do oh so much better. That I deserve oh so much better.  In my brain, I know they are right.  However the heart seems to not follow the brain on these matters.

I suspect my post is me just venting my sadness and hurt --- a hurt that hurts unlike any before.  I am confident a number of you have been here as well. I will keep reading the messages of hurt others have had in their lives as a reminder I don't want to experience that hurt again.  I need to get emotionally healthy again so the next round for me will be the relationship where mutual respect is on a daily basis.

ABB

ABB

[GreenMango]

Hang in there ABB it takes a little time for the heart to catch up to the head. 

It took me some time too. 

PS I liked your analogies to what holidays were like.  Clever.

[momtara]

You are very entertaining.  Are you a writer?  

Yes, you will find very similar stories here.  Although not as cleverly and economically told.  

You will miss the good times with her.  But she is also putting you through a lot, and it could get worse.  You could set some boundaries, but it sounds like that may not help.

At least your Xmas tree may survive this year.

[GreenMango]

At least your Xmas tree may survive this year.

No kidding right?

ABB that first year I did the at least this birthday X won't happen, this holiday Y won't happened, this Presidents day Z won't happen kind of stuff.

You know the little things - as desperate as they seem  . I held on to those things like a life raft.

[Learning_curve74]

A hard decision to come to... .I know you probably wish with all your heart it didn't come to this. Sometimes the hardest things to do are also the most necessary.

Hang in there, ABB. 

[AliveButBeatup]

A hard decision to come to... .I know you probably wish with all your heart it didn't come to this. Sometimes the hardest things to do are also the most necessary.

Hang in there, ABB. 

I do wish with all my heart it didn't come to this. My T and my friends tell me I tried as hard as I could until I can try no more.  I respect the vows of marriage.  I wanted this to be a forever thing. But, it is not to be. The physical abuse has escalated. My T told me a couple of things that stuck in my head.  One is that the person (me) she saw a few years ago would not have tolerated what I have tolerated for even a second. The second is that if I continue this relationship I may end up in a casket.  My oldest step-daughter told me her Mom is psychotic and to get the hell out of there and don't look back.  My second oldest step son told his Mom in front of me that she is crazy and to stay away from him.

The evidence is all there that this divorce is what I must do for my mental well being and my health and my safety.  It still is difficult nevertheless.

ABB

[AliveButBeatup]

You are very entertaining.  Are you a writer?  

Yes, you will find very similar stories here.  Although not as cleverly and economically told.  

You will miss the good times with her.  But she is also putting you through a lot, and it could get worse.  You could set some boundaries, but it sounds like that may not help.

At least your Xmas tree may survive this year.

Entertaining. Yes. One must have a sense of humor to keep one's sanity when dealing with someone with BPD.  I could not in my craziest imagination have thought up the journey I have been on the last few years since my divorce from someone I had been with for 23 years.  Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

My T says I have a great sense of humor and that is one of the tools I have that keeps me together. I think she actually looks forward to our sessions to see what relationship adventure stories I will share with her.  She appreciates the comedy of what goes on. There are much bigger tragedies in the world. It doesn't minimize the hurt, but there are much worse things than dealing with a BPD person.

Do you know what is more entertaining than having one BPD girlfriend in your life?  Try two.  At the same time.  After my wife was diagnosed with BPD, I got to thinking about my girlfriend I lived with for 2 years prior to my current wife.  She had crazy behavior as well.  In hindsight, I believe it was BPD as well. At the time I thought she just was plain crazy.

Here is the set-up.  My ex-girlfriend was living with me. We broke up and she moves out. I join a dating web site and meet my current wife. We date for a period of time (a few weeks) and she goes into her first BPD cycle and sends me a Dear John letter and we stop seeing each other. I go NC with her. She is calling. She is e-mailing.  I am not responding to her.  In the mean time my ex-girlfriend moves back in.

And then the fateful day occurs where my wife-to-be shows up at my door while my girlfriend is at the house.  I go outside to speak to her while my girlfriend is standing on the porch.  I think the word awkward is applicable here. A few neighbors start congregating on the sidewalk outside to see the show from these two BPD women.  As to myself, I am a white guy.  Both of these women are Latina. Do you know what is worse than getting yelled at by a BPD woman?  It is getting yelled at by a BPD woman in two languages in stereo with an audience.  My Lord. Oh my Lord.

A couple of weeks later my girlfriend and I break-up again and I start seeing my wife-to-be again on the BPD recycle.  This is while my ex-girlfriend is on her BPD recycle to get me back. I eventually block her and go NC. My second to last memory of my ex-girlfriend was her standing at the door yelling at me while I was heading out to work.  Nothing new there with the exception she was 100% naked with ropes she had tied to her wrists and ankles screaming at me she wanted me to tie her up and do the naughty with her.  I think the word awkward is appropriate for this situation as well.

I came home from work.  She was gone.  She had moved out.  This brings me to the last memory of my ex-girlfriend.  One week before I am to be married to my existing wife, my cell phone starts getting messages from my ex-girlfriend.  Ones with photos.  Not just any photos. Naked photos of her telling me she had been working out. She got a new phone number. I blocked that one too.  I guess that was an attempt at another BPD recycle.

I look forward to a healthy, mature, respectful relationship in my future.  Really. I truly do.

ABB

[momtara]

The stereo BPD women are funny.

I think you do have to look at why you are attracted to this type of person.

Someone who engages in physical violence may turn around and say you were the one who is violent.  Best to leave this situation alone.  I know it ain't easy. 

[AliveButBeatup]

The stereo BPD women are funny.

I think you do have to look at why you are attracted to this type of person.

Someone who engages in physical violence may turn around and say you were the one who is violent.  Best to leave this situation alone.  I know it ain't easy. 

I have had the "turn around" care played more than once. I would tell her I was going to call the cops. She would say she would cause marks on herself saying I was physically abusing her. This was in conjunction with one event where she said she would report me to the police for child molestation.  That should have been the very last straw, but the relationship lingered on for another 4 months.

A full 24 hours was spent without any contact from her. I had plenty to do today. It was a good day. I see my T tomorrow. I will share my latest adventures with her. I have work to do tomorrow as well.

I think I have a handle on the attraction to the crazy women. I just need to make sure I implement what I have learned.  Sometimes that is easier said than done.

ABB

[eeyore]

Have you examined why you have allowed this to happen to yourself twice? 

[xPaintedBlackx]

My BPDexgf wanted to get married on 12/12/12 too... .while she was (unbeknownst to me) still married. hmph.

[AliveButBeatup]

Have you examined why you have allowed this to happen to yourself twice? 

Yes --- I was with a woman for nearly 23 years who was becoming more and more physically disabled.  I was becoming more and more of a caretaker and unappreciated. She was becoming more and more verbally abusive to me. Our sex life was near non-existent.

Along come two beautiful, sexy women who paid much needed attention (idealization stage) to me.  There never was a dull moment.  Also,

there seemed to be an intellectual challenge on my part in relation to me figuring out what made them tick.  Even very smart guys like myself sometimes think with the wrong part of our anatomy. . A beautiful woman can intoxicate you into stupidity.

[AliveButBeatup]

My BPDexgf wanted to get married on 12/12/12 too... .while she was (unbeknownst to me) still married. hmph.

I would say you avoided a bullet with that one.  Thank your lucky stars there.

ABB

[eeyore]

A beautiful woman can intoxicate you into stupidity.

Wow? Really?  Do you want to rethink your answer? 

[AliveButBeatup]

A beautiful woman can intoxicate you into stupidity.

Wow? Really?  Do you want to rethink your answer? 

No ---- a combination of a beautiful woman who idolizes you is a combination that is hard to ignore. Add porn star sex to the mix and it is easy to get sucked in when you have had very little attention by your spouse for the last 10 years of your life. Opportunities presented themselves while I was married, but I remained faithful.  Live and learn.

[eeyore]

How did you allow yourself to get to such a place where your value and your worth were so susceptible?  I got the long marriage without affection and love, then the intoxication of two women who gave you attention.  So do you now have the emotional self to be healthy?  If not then what do you need?  Otherwise you would still be susceptible to getting into another unhealthy relationship. 

[AliveButBeatup]

How did you allow yourself to get to such a place where your value and your worth were so susceptible?  I got the long marriage without affection and love, then the intoxication of two women who gave you attention.  So do you now have the emotional self to be healthy?  If not then what do you need?  Otherwise you would still be susceptible to getting into another unhealthy relationship. 

Agreed.  I am working on myself.  I am not interested in getting into another relationship anytime soon.  I do work with a therapist.  And I am smart enough to learn from my mistakes to avoid repeating them.

ABB