How did my NPD mother/trauma background condition me for this?

[PhoenixRising15]

Just looking for wisdom and insight here.

I'm fairly certain my mother has NPD.  At the very least, I know as a child, I was never given empathy.  It was always about her feelings.  I wasn't "good" unless I did exactly what she wanted and could show how great of a mother she was.

I was also sexually abused as a 5 year old, and tried to tell my mom about it.  She was more concerned with her own reaction than me.  She dismissed me completely. 20 years later when I tried to talk with her about it, she dismisses it as too hard to talk about.  She also shames me for having premarital sex.  UGH.

I've gone NC with my exuBPDGF and LC/NC with mother.

I understand that I don't expect caring/empathy from women (I was conditioned since childhood), so when my ex mirrored empathy and understanding in me, I idolized that.  Eventually when she wasn't able to continue the empathy, our relationship eroded.

Does anyone have any more insight than this?  How I might avoid these things in the future?  Can an NPD mom set up this sort of relationship later?

[imstronghere2]

I was raised by the "queen/witch" version of a BPD mother.  Classic example of it to the hilt.  After my exwBPD left us and I started seeing a psychologist, we talked about how given my experience growing up, it was inevitable that I would marry a BPD as that was what was familiar to me.  He also said that had I gone to therapy early on, I may have been able to avoid that mistake.  My recommendation to you is to find a therapist who has a strong background in handling BPD/NPD and start there.  I'm 52 and spent 40 of those years with BPD women.  I can honestly say that now I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a normal, healthy relationship because I don't know how to live like that so I choose to stay single.  It's hard to be alone but that's WAY better than living with someone who's BPD/NPD.

[Newton]

Hi QuestioningFaith, I'm sorry to hear about your awful childhood experiences.  Being raised in an abusive and/or invalidating environment can often lead to us choosing life partners who replicate negative behaviours we experienced in our early years.  I often described this to my T as feeling "uncomfortably comfortable" in my relationship with my SO.  If we have unresolved issues and core wounds originating with members of our FOO it is common to adopt this role as adults and attempt to play out the dynamic again.

Obviously this is a futile task, attempting to nuture and recieve love, empathy and understanding from someone who simply isn't capable can reinforce our narrative that we are "unlovable" or "not good enough".

It's an old chestnut but a true one, we need to love and respect ourselves before finding others that will love us in a healthy and fulfiling way.  That way we guard ourselves against allowing negative people into our lives

[bpdspell]

Childhood trauma unchecked and not dealt with will certainly set you up for poor choices in romantic relationships.

A mother who is severely compromised in her ability to show empathy, validation, nurturing and caring will certainly damage her child tremendously because all children are hungry for love, affection as it shapes our emotional identity. When we are blessed enough to have our parents validate us in life affirming ways we are less inclined to go searching for this love in others because it has already been shaped inside of us.

My mother was not very affectionate, validating, or empathetic. She was mean, moody, angry, blaming and I felt awful as a child not understanding why I couldn't see a smile or receive a hug, or feel some kind of acceptance. It was very excruciating to feel this kind of pain and it created a longing in me that can only be understood by someone who's walked a mile in my shoes. The shame I felt from this abandonment was something I repressed in order to survive on whatever love crumbs my Mom could deliver.

My mother was in essence GOD (i know that she isn't God now) and when her capacity to affirm me was limited; I blamed myself. It can certainly condition you as an adult to expect poor treatment because it is the only model you know.

When our BPD/NPD ex's love bomb us it is like Manna falling from the sky. A love miracle where you are finally receiving the love that you dreamed of experiencing from that abusive parent.

And I think it's important to make this distinction: That our decision to move forward in a toxic dance is our way of trying to make a childhood wrong right. It is the child in us that gravitates and feels bonded to our toxic exs because our toxic exs are in essence very much an emotional replica of what we know. This is why we feel such electricity with our exs; it is the toxic bond of deep familiarity.

But of course this love bombing is short lived as the emotional replica of our parents reveals itself. But by then we are caught up in the dangling carrot chase. We are addicted and we are wide open from idealization because our deep desires have now been triggered.

I'm two and half years out... .but I've grown tremendously. I've come to accept my mother as a woman first. I've dropped the label of mother and focused on the irrevocably damaged and shame filled human being she is. I've also accepted that she (as well as my ex) is not the definite source of love; God is.

Our ex's are not God and our parents are not God. This is how you break the cycle of being addicted to toxic people.

Hope this helps.

Spell

[livednlearned]

I understand that I don't expect caring/empathy from women (I was conditioned since childhood), so when my ex mirrored empathy and understanding in me, I idolized that.  Eventually when she wasn't able to continue the empathy, our relationship eroded.

Does anyone have any more insight than this?  How I might avoid these things in the future?  Can an NPD mom set up this sort of relationship later?

For me, genders are reversed. My dad is uNPD, brother appears to be flying BPD. My mom and I are codependent. I'm now divorced from N/BPDx. Pretty sure my first husband was NPD. Then dated a guy who was BPD between the two husbands.

I'm in a new relationship with someone who is relatively healthy, a recovering codependent like me. It's been so different than anything I've ever experienced. I assert my boundaries, he respects them. I express how I feel, he reciprocates, then we feel intimate together.

It took so much healing to get here. I feel awkward and strange a lot of the time when I'm working through my issues with new guy. Very vulnerable. My T told me I was changing the script, and that's what it feels like. It's a new script, and I don't know the lines, not sure where to stand, what to do with my hands  

All of the men in my life have had big personalities, and there has always been some element of adrenaline or excitement. Kinda rogue guys, although each one was high-functioning and employed, all of them professionals. It's like I needed them to provide the feelings I couldn't feel unless someone else was there stirring them up. After N/BPDx, I had to learn how to do that on my own. How to be all the feelings, not just small safe ones. So that's where I'm at now. I'm dating someone who is steady and stable, what some people here call "boring" or "nice." The funny thing is that I finally realized deep down that I'm the boring nice one  

I needed to practice letting myself have other feelings, and stop focusing on others for those feelings. Then new guy came along and I found myself attracted to a type of guy I would never have looked twice at.

Therapy was so helpful. And so was this board. The work to get here has been so worth it. I'm worth it! And so are you.

[PhoenixRising15]

Yes, thank you all.

After realizing this,I have not been able to work for two days.  I've just been laying in bed going over and over all the similarity.  How I tried to repair a relationship with my mother using a 19 year old drug addict.

Wow, that really in a way goes to show you what my mother was really like to me.  That sucks.

That. just. sucks.

[Suzn]

After realizing this,I have not been able to work for two days.  I've just been laying in bed going over and over all the similarity. 

You're right it does suck. I'm sorry this is a painful time for you QuestioningFaith.    This period is called discovery and it can be a difficult time. I'm sorry if I missed this, have you considered a therapist for support with what you've been up against?

Do be kind to yourself right now. Are you sleeping, eating, etc... ? Very important to take good care of you.   

[PhoenixRising15]

I've been in therapy for 4 years working on this stuff, and she brought it to the surface.

I guess in a way its what I needed.

For twenty years, I'd been looking for a woman who would react to hearing of my sexual abuse in the way I wanted my mother to.  Understanding.  Protective.  Loving.  Seeking to Understand me.

This is truly a death of that dream.  That woman who I needed was my mother, and I will never get that from her.  She is incapable.

Having to let go of a twenty year long fantasy/dream is so hard.

My ex will never ever ever be that person.  My mother will never be that person. 

No one else will be that person but me.

I thought I had come so far in understanding just how much pain my childhood sexual abuse had caused me.  I thought I had it all figured out.

Now, I think I'm at the core of it.

My ex stripped away every layer of denial.  Every layer of coping mechanism I have.

There is only one way to deal with this from now on, and that is to look at the truth.

I'm so sad, heartbroken.

I thought that my experience with women would have prevented me from being taken advantage of again.  I thought it would let me spot the manipulators.

Instead, I retraumatized myself, and I am at square one with dealing with my trauma, only this time I have a lot more skills and perspective on where I need to go and who I am and who I want to be.

So.  So. Heartbroken.

At least the past few days, I've been having healthy coping dreams about her.  In the past two days, I woke up and my dreams told me I was walking away and I could not come back.

I think my heart is finally catching up to my logical mind.