Spelling Out NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Okay because neither one of us made the "call" to say NC - I did email her back this morning.  I was kind and sweet and gently let my boundaries known that there is no abuse - verbal or otherwise in my life - and that I cannot put myself in that path anymore.  I told her that I felt we were not to be in contact right now and that we need to both be seeking self fulfillment - and not looking to another - friendship or otherwise to fill a void.  I wished her well in her life.

I will hold this line everyone - it feels right and for the first time in 2 years I can read my words to her and not see some pathetic sap looking to her to make me feel validated ... .I validated myself.

Bets on how long till she contacts me again?  Maybe she will abide by my wishes - since she IS on this new spiritual path and all... .One can hope right?

[bauers220]

Okay because neither one of us made the "call" to say NC - I did email her back this morning.  I was kind and sweet and gently let my boundaries known that there is no abuse - verbal or otherwise in my life - and that I cannot put myself in that path anymore.  I told her that I felt we were not to be in contact right now and that we need to both be seeking self fulfillment - and not looking to another - friendship or otherwise to fill a void.  I wished her well in her life.

I will hold this line everyone - it feels right and for the first time in 2 years I can read my words to her and not see some pathetic sap looking to her to make me feel validated ... .I validated myself.

Bets on how long till she contacts me again?  Maybe she will abide by my wishes - since she IS on this new spiritual path and all... .One can hope right?

[Ironmanrises]

She has a disorder... .

That will/most likely compel her... .

To return to you.

The spiritual path... .

Is a facade... .

An appearance... .

Her disorder... .

Is still present.

Do not be lulled... .

Into a false sense of security.

[bauers220]

She has a disorder... .

That will/most likely compel her... .

To return to you.

The spiritual path... .

Is a facade... .

An appearance... .

Her disorder... .

Is still present.

Do not be lulled... .

Into a false sense of security.

Well the woman always has to have the last word.  She thanked me for my kind words and wished me well... .said whatever I need... .

I agree Ironman - I don't feel she can abide by it - but I believe in miracles so who knows

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Stand by for contact as long as she thinks you'll get weaker and respond.

I started trying Low Contact in late august, first try at No Contact Sept 1st (saying I hoped it wouldn't be permanent but it would be for a very long time), contact all the time til Sept 7th, then a 12-day gap til 19th, then til 29th... .I ignored all of them but on 30th I found out some stuff from a mutual friend that made me angry for the first time (at last!) and emailed him an angry, hurtful email saying No Contact permanently because of his behaviour towards me.

Since then, I've not contacted him, but he has sent 6 contacts, including the one last Sunday telling me he doesn't find me attractive - had never found me attractive - actually, I smell - and I whine - and what a hard life he's had - and I am never to contact him again and I need help.

Projection, pure projection, because those are his own fears.

So yeah, stand by for lots of nice stuff until your ex realises it isn't working and then stand by for some nasty stuff, but don't take any of it personally because it is far more likely to be their own fears projected onto you.

[Learning_curve74]

I will hold this line everyone - it feels right and for the first time in 2 years I can read my words to her and not see some pathetic sap looking to her to make me feel validated ... .I validated myself.

Good for you bauers220! You chose to do something that you believe will help you, which is an excellent step forward.    Are you feeling pretty good about that? Is it an empowering feeling?

As to whether she contacts you again, all you can do is control your side of things. So you can take steps like many people do by blocking her phone calls, text messages, and emails. Or if you are not ready to do that, you can use willpower to either ignore them or to not respond to them.

If she had sent an email to you that said, "we can't have contact because we must heal," wouldn't you be very tempted to write her back to ask for further explanation or perhaps even to argue and defend yourself? Nobody can predict whether she will reply to you nor whether she will contact you again in the future. It is possible. The question you ask yourself is: what will you do about it if it happens?

[Century2012]

They know all that mean crap they say is not true.

I had a "ha, ha" back at him. When I left him, he went around telling his "his new friend" that I was fat and ugly and a bunch of other rubbish. Not! (I kind of look like Sasha Alexander.) He told her my pictures on FB were from a long time ago.

Well, "new friend" shows up at my condo, unannounced, to pick a box of his stuff. And she saw me in person. Ha, ha. And I got to see her. And she "ain't all that."

Well, now he has a new thing to dis me about. He called me to get a phone number. I gave it to him and hung up. Then he started all this texting rubbish. Now I am "mental," which is a total slam. I had some sleep problems 4 years ago. I got a little manic and was hospitalized. So now, if I am not sleeping well, I take a trazadone. Really?

What a jerk.

I hit delete. I need to find out how to block texts. Anyone know how?

[bauers220]

I will hold this line everyone - it feels right and for the first time in 2 years I can read my words to her and not see some pathetic sap looking to her to make me feel validated ... .I validated myself.

Good for you bauers220! You chose to do something that you believe will help you, which is an excellent step forward.    Are you feeling pretty good about that? Is it an empowering feeling?

As to whether she contacts you again, all you can do is control your side of things. So you can take steps like many people do by blocking her phone calls, text messages, and emails. Or if you are not ready to do that, you can use willpower to either ignore them or to not respond to them.

If she had sent an email to you that said, "we can't have contact because we must heal," wouldn't you be very tempted to write her back to ask for further explanation or perhaps even to argue and defend yourself? Nobody can predict whether she will reply to you nor whether she will contact you again in the future. It is possible. The question you ask yourself is: what will you do about it if it happens?

She didn't ask for an explanation - she just wished me well.  I felt empowered a bit yes - but I have removed myself from having too much pride.  I am very aware that she does have feelings and is most likely hurting too.  I am also grieving the loss of the dream I held.  And trying to release 2 years of pain.  

If she breaks NC... .GOD I pray she does not... .but she may.  I don't plan to respond... .but god help me if I do feel weak on that day.

Here's to praying she does not.

[bauers220]

They know all that mean crap they say is not true.

I had a "ha, ha" back at him. When I left him, he went around telling his "his new friend" that I was fat and ugly and a bunch of other rubbish. Not! (I kind of look like Sasha Alexander.) He told her my pictures on FB were from a long time ago.

Well, "new friend" shows up at my condo, unannounced, to pick a box of his stuff. And she saw me in person. Ha, ha. And I got to see her. And she "ain't all that."

Well, now he has a new thing to dis me about. He called me to get a phone number. I gave it to him and hung up. Then he started all this texting rubbish. Now I am "mental," which is a total slam. I had some sleep problems 4 years ago. I got a little manic and was hospitalized. So now, if I am not sleeping well, I take a trazadone. Really?

What a jerk.

I hit delete. I need to find out how to block texts. Anyone know how?

USually your cell carrier can do that for you.  If its an Iphone you can block all communications from your contacts list - if you have IOS 7 - its a new feature... .

[Tricky]

Bauers220, well done. I've found NC so helpful - it's given me some space to try to heal without being emotionally bombed.

My ex only stopped trying to contact me after I'd contacted her family, friends and psychiatric team to ask them to try to help her to stop. Think she was mortified that I'd involved other people 'close' to her and she realised I was serious. She immediately went on the offensive, texting mutual friends non stop - one has changed her no's because she ignored repeated requests to desist. She's really twisting the knife now. Her illness is so apparent.

Beware of information about her from friends, etc. It feels like a form of contact to me, never does me any good and fills my mind for hours or days. I want to know details of how she is, etc, but it's too dangerous.

I feel for you, bauer220.