How are others dealing with Intimacy Issues?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just wondered if anyone's got any strategies to try and keep sane.

I'm literally being driven to distraction by thoughts of my ex gf being intimate with her new man.

I can see her bed and them being together and making love. The same bed that we made love in.

It's silly I know, I just can't help it... . :'(

[houseofswans]

Just wondered if anyone's got any strategies to try and keep sane.

I'm literally being driven to distraction by thoughts of my ex gf being intimate with her new man.

I can see her bed and them being together and making love. The same bed that we made love in.

It's silly I know, I just can't help it... . :'(

[Turkish]

Just wondered if anyone's got any strategies to try and keep sane.

I'm literally being driven to distraction by thoughts of my ex gf being intimate with her new man.

I can see her bed and them being together and making love. The same bed that we made love in.

It's silly I know, I just can't help it... . :'(

I feel for you. Given that mine got herself spayed after the last kid... .at the time I should have realized why she was so adamant about me not getting neutered, I know she won't use protection (I know this woman). So I expect if not from this guy, but one soon, for her to get an STD, especially given our locale. Especially since she did a few years before she met me (from her old boyfriend). To me, once another guy is down "there"... .gross. She often (not always, but often enough) put pressure on me for sex anyway in certain ways. So yeah, I will miss it, but I am in hate mode now, so no.

[happylogist]

houseofswans,

I have two strategies, interchangeable. One I think that if she was the one for him and he will be eventually happy with her - let it be. It gives me strength.  It also will prove eventually my point that he was not honest with himself (and myself) about his true feelings.  On the other hand, my intuition screams that she will be if not in my but similar shoes. The same way I feel for you. The chances that the same man you are imagining now, will be going through the same bewildering turmoil that you experienced in a couple of months or years are pretty high. The story will repeat itself.

A funny thing: When we recycled to friends or I-don't-really-know-what-to-call-that relationship, I told him the same things that you wrote today in your post. I imagined the same bed, the same words... .he replied that the dynamics was different and he didn't like when I draw parallels, every time it was different... .  - I couldn't argue with that logic

[Ironmanrises]

Trying to keep sane... .

Besides this forum... .?

My learning of the Japanese language... .

38 of the first 46 characters in the Hiragana... .

Learned and memorized to where... .

I can write them.

It requires a lot of my concentration... .

As my artwork... .

Is still non functional.

Try and find something to occupy your mind.

Otherwise... .

It will destroy you from within.

You are in enough pain as it is.

Hang in there House.

We are here for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

 That's the point for me: sex with her was horizontal aerobics and there was no intimacy, so there's nothing to miss, not for me anyway.  I'm sure some dude is finding a little disconnected bliss in bed with her, but then he has to deal with her the rest of the time; better him than me.

[HarmKrakow]

Just wondered if anyone's got any strategies to try and keep sane.

I'm literally being driven to distraction by thoughts of my ex gf being intimate with her new man.

I can see her bed and them being together and making love. The same bed that we made love in.

It's silly I know, I just can't help it... . :'(

It wasn't love, not even intimacy. BPD's are notorious for not being capable of having an intimate sexual relationship.

How I fixed it myself? By going partying wild (for a short time), get myself in bed with another girl to get exactly that thought what you had in your head, out of my head. As it was 'just sex'.

Just sex - (minus) - just sex = is simply 0.

I could wipe the memory away. Like crossing the banana's on your grocery list.

[fiddlestix]

Even after the dozens of men my ex slept with (before, during, and after our marriage), I still cringe in pain when I envision her in bed with another person.  I sho held be "over it."  The pain is slowly  leaching out, but very slowly.  I have a wonderful and healthy new woman in my life now.  But we are not presently intimate sexually.  I still feel a connection with my ex and it is hard moving on sexually.  I could probably do the cheap consensual one niter thing because that does not involve intimacy.  But that is not my style.

Fiddlestix

[HarmKrakow]

Even after the dozens of men my ex slept with (before, during, and after our marriage), I still cringe in pain when I envision her in bed with another person.  I sho held be "over it."  The pain is slowly  leaching out, but very slowly.  I have a wonderful and healthy new woman in my life now.  But we are not presently intimate sexually.  I still feel a connection with my ex and it is hard moving on sexually.  I could probably do the cheap consensual one niter thing because that does not involve intimacy.  But that is not my style.

Fiddlestix

The thing is, you are not writing here why it is so difficult to move on sexually? So why is it? Why is it difficult to move on from something, which for your ex felt difficult (considering the nature of the intimacy issues of a BPD during their relationship and especially sex) and different in comparison to you? Is it pride? Is it your ego? I'm purely shooting in the dark here but I rather ask the questions than talk around the vital importance of why it is so hard to move on?

[allweareisallweare]

I don't care - you know - I know this could be a topic of its own, perhaps I'll create it soon - that they could simply be being used for sex  - this happens, the guy gets a woman who either ... .is too dumb to understand what is happening/blinded by 'love'/desperate/on the rebound... .I have a theory, that these rebounders - BPD or not - are like compulsive gamblers chasing their losses - they go from flower to flower to flower, so it's likely, perhaps, they choose the wrong guy who simply 'loves them' and leaves them, at even the slightest sign of either  or just coincidentally, because he might as well... .I mean, HE MIGHT Mr Smith might as well because at the end of the day these people are dangerous so he might as well abandon them and perpetuate their BPD - a) They would deserve it (mine would that's the point) B) They were asking for it C) WTH do they expect, they rebounded after days... .I hope, as I said, the ex encountered this and was abandoned - it's not the fall I wish on her... .I wish so LET THIS BE COMFORT I wish that she does go some distance, goes through the motions and then the BPD rears its ugly head - the person who she rebounded to deserves that as well - not everyone has the patience of a saint, is gutsy as hell to make things work - so yeah, the intimacy, her being in bed with someone else - so what, I say. The castle will come tumbling down one day, whereas one day we will be happy, see what I mean? I know it's hard to deal with etc.

[alliance]

The thing is, you are not writing here why it is so difficult to move on sexually? So why is it? Why is it difficult to move on from something, which for your ex felt difficult (considering the nature of the intimacy issues of a BPD during their relationship and especially sex) and different in comparison to you? Is it pride? Is it your ego? I'm purely shooting in the dark here but I rather ask the questions than talk around the vital importance of why it is so hard to move on?[/quote]
Harm,

Speaking for myself, it is hard to move on sexually for the same reasons it is hard to move on from the relationship as a whole.

The relationship triggered stuff in me. The relationship did a number on my head, values, beliefs, self confidence, self respect etc.

It is hard to move on to another relationship or even a sexual encounter when you feel like crap.

And, sex doesn't originate in your genitals. It originates between your ears. When whats between your ears is struggling to makes sense of what your experienced, it is hard to feel sexual.

[HarmKrakow]

The thing is, you are not writing here why it is so difficult to move on sexually? So why is it? Why is it difficult to move on from something, which for your ex felt difficult (considering the nature of the intimacy issues of a BPD during their relationship and especially sex) and different in comparison to you? Is it pride? Is it your ego? I'm purely shooting in the dark here but I rather ask the questions than talk around the vital importance of why it is so hard to move on?

Harm,

Speaking for myself, it is hard to move on sexually for the same reasons it is hard to move on from the relationship as a whole.

The relationship triggered stuff in me. The relationship did a number on my head, values, beliefs, self confidence, self respect etc.

It is hard to move on to another relationship or even a sexual encounter when you feel like crap.

And, sex doesn't originate in your genitals. It originates between your ears. When whats between your ears is struggling to makes sense of what your experienced, it is hard to feel sexual.

I know it's hard. I've witnessed some things myself and read quite the few stories here and i don't judge anyone's behavior.

I felt crap, and I still went on to another relationship because I decided to have the feeling 'crap' not interfere anymore with what I want to do with my future. The past doesn't drive you, the future does. I am in a new relationship and am living somewhere else. Do I still feel crap? Of course I do. But i'm sure without everything I'd still be that (more) broken uncertain man in a corner crying and now I am trying to rebuild a complete new life (new place to live, new gf, new everything) .

The past doesn't drive you.

The future does.

[hopealways]

Swans, time heals everything. This too shall pass.  You have had people you dated in the past, you broke up and then they were with others and it does not hurt you does it? But thinking about the BPDex being with another does hurt.  We have to understand why.  I remember telling my BPDex that what bothers me is that she has never been able to love me like her ex boyfriends. She turned to me and said the most honest thing she has probably ever said which is "how do you know what kind of love I had for them?" Because she didn't and cannot. 

The reason it pains you to think of your BPDx being intimate with another is because you feel that they are showing love to someone when they never showed it to you. But that is not the case. You were never the problem in the relationship.  Your BPDx has a mental disease. Don't beat  yourself up over it.  It had nothing to do with you. Their next victim will be treated the same, if not worse, than you.

[houseofswans]

The reason it pains you to think of your BPDx being intimate with another is because you feel that they are showing love to someone when they never showed it to you.

Exactly!

And thanks for the rest of your post

And to everyone else... .

[Numbers]

The reason it pains you to think of your BPDx being intimate with another is because you feel that they are showing love to someone when they never showed it to you.

Double quoted for truth. Thank you Hopealways, this was my issue for the day, you helped me greatly with this truth.

[blissful_camper]

I've been doing lots of reading here, but this is my first time posting. 

I had a really hard time with intimacy after I left my BPD/NPDbf.  Before that relationship began, I had a healthy attitude about intimacy, sex and body image.  Not surprisingly, the relationship gradually eroded those personal traits. 

While I knew the relationship had changed me, realizing how the relationship had negatively impacted my outlook on sex and intimacy came later.  I didn't reach that awareness until after I left him.

When I left, I moved out of state.  A former bf had helped me develop my exit strategy and moved me to my new home.  He was sensitive to what I'd been through, made sure the move went smoothly, even staying with me for a few days to help me settle in.

My former bf was the perfect gentleman.  I entertained the idea of reaching out to him sexually, and it was then that I realized how the relationship with my ex-BPD/NPDbf impacted my attitude about sex and intimacy.  I couldn't do it.  I felt inhibited, shy, self conscious, hesitant that I would re-experience what I had with the ex-BPD/NPDbf.  Those traits -- sexual inhibition, poor body image (and sexual aggression), was a dynamic the ex-BPD/NPDbf had brought into our sexual relationship. 

My former bf began visiting me regularly, and we eventually resumed a romantic relationship.  He has reminded me what healthy is.  We've developed a closeness and bond in a few short months that was never achieved in the 16 months that I was with my ex-BPD/NPDbf. 

That's how I chose to deal with my intimacy issues. After the 16-month nightmare with my ex-BPD/NPDbf, I wasn't about to give him the pleasure of interfering with my future.

[eyvindr]

blissful_camper,

Glad to hear you've been able to detach from your ex.

With all due respect -- be careful. That's a pretty quick transition into a new r-ship.

e.

[starshine]

I swear I could FEEL my ex with the woman he betrayed me with. It was awful. I honestly thought my uBPDexbf was madly in love with me until the moment he moved me out of our house.  He told me so all the time.  He tried to make love with me the morning he broke up with me!  Brought me coffee in bed, just like it was any other day.  Whew- how freakin' weird is that?  And then 4 days later he had another woman in our bed.  I'm sure he had that lined up.  I had to keep physically and mentally busy.  I took some classes at the community college.  One was American Sign Language- my brain really wanted to learn a new language, but I really wasn't feeling like talking to people.  It was great, and I don't remember a thing I learned.  It was a much healthier choice for me than hanging out at the pub.

There have been a couple of opportunities for me to share intimacies with another, but I have not pursued any relationship.  My heart is still pretty wary of letting someone get too close.  Gun shy.  If I'm feeling like I'm not getting enough touch I go get a massage.  A relatively cheap solution.

[blissful_camper]

blissful_camper,

Glad to hear you've been able to detach from your ex.

With all due respect -- be careful. That's a pretty quick transition into a new r-ship.

e.

Yes, thank you for looking out.  I'm taking it slow.  He has been a good friend for eight years. 

[maxen]

He tried to make love with me the morning he broke up with me!  Brought me coffee in bed, just like it was any other day.  Whew- how freakin' weird is that?  And then 4 days later he had another woman in our bed.  I'm sure he had that lined up.

i had something similar, though not that intense. four days before she bolted she suggested "let's get a power washer this weekend and clean the front of the house." the morning of the day she left we exchanged our usual fun emails. she sent me something from buzzfeed, "hey look a this!" that day she announced thaty marriage wasn't working for her, there was someone else, and drove off.

[Waifed]

Just wondered if anyone's got any strategies to try and keep sane.

I'm literally being driven to distraction by thoughts of my ex gf being intimate with her new man.

I can see her bed and them being together and making love. The same bed that we made love in.

It's silly I know, I just can't help it... . :'(

I feel for you. Given that mine got herself spayed after the last kid... .at the time I should have realized why she was so adamant about me not getting neutered, I know she won't use protection (I know this woman). So I expect if not from this guy, but one soon, for her to get an STD, especially given our locale. Especially since she did a few years before she met me (from her old boyfriend). To me, once another guy is down "there"... .gross. She often (not always, but often enough) put pressure on me for sex anyway in certain ways. So yeah, I will miss it, but I am in hate mode now, so no.

My ex didn't like to use protection either and she refused to take birth control. It is disgusting to think that they will have sex like that. She repulsed me now.

It has been months for me without sex. No desire. I couldn't function properly with her after I caught her cheating at the end.  I fear that this is still an issue but don't know yet!  They just destroy your self esteem and confidence. They are evil.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can see her bed and them being together and making love. The same bed that we made love in.

My ex didn't like to use protection either and she refused to take birth control. It is disgusting to think that they will have sex like that. She repulsed me now.

It has been months for me without sex. No desire. I couldn't function properly with her after I caught her cheating at the end.  I fear that this is still an issue but don't know yet!  They just destroy your self esteem and confidence. They are evil.

Mine didn't make love, she fcked.  Energetic horizontal aerobics where she left her body and the room, off to some distant land where life was grand.  And it was always about her, oh and don't forget to hear her mention how women's bodies are beautiful and men's are ugly.  Blech!  Unfortunately we had unprotected sex a few times, stupid me, in hindsight it feels like sticking it in a petri dish of disease with all her 'experience', but fortunately I ended up negative.  Whew.  That would have been a lovely parting gift yes?  We can do better people.  No, I mean we can do better, people.

[Nicco]

That's another very "spiny" matter for me.

I don't hide my fear about indeed... .ok that we broke up just a couple of months ago... .but i'm scared to don't feel comfortable with any other woman anymore... .actually i have big problems to desire any other woman indeed talking about "physical love".

With her i had the best sex ever... .was so powerful and sweet,was total under every pow... .and the intimacy later?just great... .after i knew she prostitued herself "few times" this summer while we were far the "sex matter" is becomed a nightmare for me... .and partially still is... .i won't go deeply in details but it's something that never leave my mind... .and i never been able to "have her back" under that point of view... .we tried once few time before the break up... .it's been awful... .she wasn't feel comfortable having sex with men anymore (is what she told me) and me i was feeling so guilty for my strong sexual desire,i think i was ready to kill someone just to have back one hour of the wonderful sex we used to have... .and the only thing i've been able to do was keep everything inside me going crazy for that... .i know that probably sex with her was so great cause she was triggering something inside me (her eyes in mine whispering me "i love u"... .thrills all over my back just reminding) but i'm scared to don't have it back under that form... .nevermore... .and i got many sexual partner during my life,never had a lack of sex and always been fine with.

So i had and continue to have fantasies about her with other men,doing everything... .like prostitute this summer while we were still together (makes me wanna throw)... .o in future when she'll meet my replacement soon or late... .in the bed where we slept toghether in her new flat that was supposed to be "our" flat... .and she'll give him everything once again like she done with me.

Terrible... .and what is worst is that i'm scared to never be able to detach from this even in company of another woman,inb future... .cause my (unsatisfied) sexual desire of her is one the most strong "gift" she left me abandoning our relation.

S**t.

[Perfidy]

I was just thinking about this as I was walking tonight. Not about her being intimate so much as my own intimacy. Right after we split and I learned that she had been in an overlapping relationship I was in shock. So destroyed in every way possible. So the first thing I did was to go to bed with another woman. I informed this other woman that I was only using her and that I needed to reassure my self and this was only sex. No intimacy. Believe it or not she was good with that. I explained everything to her. I felt no intimacy. That was in march this year. I found this site in july. Since, things have cooled a bit for me. I have been seeing other women. Dating. When I think about intimacy I remember all of the fake whatever it was that my ex passed off as intimacy. Makes me sick. I can't help but think since she is the same person that she has the same fake intimacy that she had with me for her new benefactor. I remember how superficial and phony her "intimacy" was. I know with 100% certainty that she was not capable of intimacy. For her sex was a tool.

Back to my intimacy. How would I ever be able to trust again to share any level of intimacy in a sexual relationship. Knowing that a person I lived with for so many years delivered a huge act that I was so willing to go along with.

[maxen]

I can't help but think since she is the same person that she has the same fake intimacy that she had with me for her new benefactor.

thanks for putting that up, perfidy, it's reassuring (i admit) to think that my stbxBP is, almost certainly, no more capable of genuine emotional generosity now than she was the day she reveled that she'd been deceiving me

[Perfidy]

Maxen... I believe that it's just that persons nature and can a leopard change its spots? The guy she is with is either sicker and more codependent than I am or else he is blessed with miraculous relationship skills. Besides... That girl was a train wreck from hell. A major restoration project. Ain't nobody got no time for that! There must be some healthy girls somewhere!

[damage control]

Sex is a tool, a weapon, a way to punish or reward, a way to avoid other types of intimacy, a game, a particular way to hurt those who love you by sharing it with anyone who is willing ... .it's anything but what it is meant to be ... .

I have stopped thinking about it ... he claims impotency ATM anyhow ... I don't know if it is true ... but I know it is coming home to bite him in the ass ... the girl who gets stuck with him (if he ever manages to actually let someone stick around) will have somebody who talks consistently about the sex he had with the hundred or so women before her and deal with the fact that he can masturbate with a stranger online just fine ... but give him a live woman and it's 'too scary and real' ... at least, it becomes that very quickly and he is back to the internet ...

Sex is his legacy to me ... he took it and destroyed it for me ... .I am not sure I will ever sleep with anybody again.