Public scene

[zeromoogle]

I have a situation that I'm not sure how I should have handled.

I'm the president of our local chapter of PFLAG.  Every second Wednesday of the month, we hold a meeting at our local adult center.

He decided to stay behind in the truck while I got the meeting started.  He said that he would join up later so that he could smoke a cigarette and talk to a friend about a car that he was trying to buy.

Right as I started the meeting, he ran inside and told me that we had to go because his friend said that he had to pick up the car immediately.  I was caught off guard, so I didn't say anything at first.  One of the ladies that was helping me set things up asked him why he didn't just go and get it.  He got mad and stormed out, only to come back in yelling at me because I wasn't helping him.

I followed him outside while he berated me for never helping him and not helping him be self sufficient by taking him to get the car.  I told him that I had a meeting to run, and that he was making a spectacle (wrong choice of words, I know) and that I was going back outside.  He went into my truck and started throwing my things across the parking lot.  A couple of members of PFLAG witnessed the worst of it as they were trying to get inside.  I decided to get into the car with him so that the scene was moved away from the adult center. 

On the way over to his friend's house, he continued to yell at me and berate me.  We made it to his friend's house to find out she wasn't even home.  I'm not even sure what she told him, but I suspect that he was misinterpreting her when he though he had to pick up the car immediately.  He blamed me for not getting him there on time, even though not nearly as much time had passed. 

I told him that I had to get back to the meeting, and he said that I couldn't go without him.  I told him that it would be best that he not attend the meeting because of the incident.  When he did not agree and got even more irate, I told him that we would have to talk about it later and that I would walk back to the adult center.  He held on to my seat belt as I tried to unbuckle it so that I couldn't get out of the truck.  I'm not sure how, but he eventually agreed and let me drop him off at his mom's house with the promise that I go back and talk to him once the meeting was done.  He was calm by the time I got back to him.

Even though we have been in the relationship for ten years, there are still times when he surprises me with his behavior.  I'm sure I didn't handle this the way I should have.

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[waverider]

He abused you and you got in the truck to avoid a scene. Basic boundary right there and he overcame it by making a scene... What do you think that taught him? What do you think he will do next time he wants something and is frustrated?

If abusing you meant he did not get to go to pick up the car (or whatever the issue of the moment is next time) what would that have taught him?

You probably have to start off by working on that boundary, and if he makes a scene that is his problem to deal with.

[zeromoogle]

Lately, anytime he get's abusive, I just leave until I'm sure he's calmed down.  Now he knows that if he catches me in a public setting, it will be that much harder for me to say no to his demands just because I don't want attention drawn to us.  It's certainly something I need to work on.

[zaqsert]

Zeromoogle, good for you for leaving when he gets abusive!  That's a good boundary to have and to enforce.

I agree with Waverider, that if he makes a scene in public then it's his problem to deal with.  Many of us have gotten so used to covering up for our pwBPD that it comes almost instinctively.  When he does things that make him look like a jerk in public, that's his own choice and his own doing.

[... .] I don't want attention drawn to us.

I used to feel that if I let outsiders see what my uBPDw did then others would think less of me.  Somewhere along the way, much more recently, I started to realize that others were more likely to form an opinion about my wife when seeing her behavior.  My guess is that others are more likely to think well of you for not letting yourself get baited into the drama.

It can be hard to change these ingrained reactions and behaviors.  Leaving him to clean up after his own messes can actually help both of you in the long run.

[eyvindr]

My ex once strong-armed me into meeting with her and her child, following a 2-month abrupt break-up. I was extremely hesitant to meet with her, but she refused to take the hint, and I failed to enforce my boundaries and agreed to meet her at a fast-food place that had a play area for kids.

She was in a foul mood because we'd planned to go out that evening (it was "Sweetest Day" but she had some kind of vague falling out with her mother that morning -- she repeatedly interrupted me with txt msgs during a retreat I was on with a "crisis." When I called her back, the crisis was no more than that her mother had bailed on her as a sitter that night -- they'd apparently had some kind of argument, and she claimed that her mother had shoved her and had called someone to pick her up and take her home.

Anyway, I agreed to meet her, and she immediately set in on me about how tacky it was that I made us meet at a stupid fast-food restaurant on Sweetest Day. I attempted to acknowledge that it wasn't the way we wanted to spend the weekend, but it wasn't that big a deal. She refused to let it go, instead making it somehow my fault -- ? I told her I and was sorry it wasn't working for her, but I was going to leave. Got up and left, and she literally started screaming at me inside of the restaurant, ":)ON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!" I kept walking, got in my car, and went home.

She now uses this as an example of one of the "many times" that I "abandoned" her in restaurants. No mention of the actual context, of course. 

[Grey Kitty]

Here is a thought experiment for you: I'm sure you have seen a couple have an altercation before, probably many times.

I'm sure you have seen situations where one person was really angry and probably abusive... .and the other person was being reasonable, and it didn't help.

What did you think about the two people during the fight?

For me, the realization that while I could be embarrassed by what my wife was doing, she wasn't part of me, and I wasn't responsible for her behavior was important. I decided that others could see the difference, at least most of the time.

[eyvindr]

Grey Kitty --

Good suggestion.

Also, in my case - whenever I've witnessed that, I've felt glad it wasn't me. So, when I saw myself in a similar situation, it served as a wake-up call.

Here is a thought experiment for you: I'm sure you have seen a couple have an altercation before, probably many times.

I'm sure you have seen situations where one person was really angry and probably abusive... .and the other person was being reasonable, and it didn't help.

What did you think about the two people during the fight?

For me, the realization that while I could be embarrassed by what my wife was doing, she wasn't part of me, and I wasn't responsible for her behavior was important. I decided that others could see the difference, at least most of the time.

[zeromoogle]

That's good advice, Kitty.

I think I'm also having a hard time because of some of the judgmental comments I received once I returned to the meeting.  I guess I have to learn to let people feel however they're going to feel about my situation.

[waverider]

  I guess I have to learn to let people feel however they're going to feel about my situation.

You actually can't stop people feeling what they feel. rather you have to not let whatever they feel bother you. Its only your problem if you let it be.

[Cloudy Days]

This is very good thread. One of my biggest fears is for someone else seeing what my husband does. I don't know why but It bothers me if someone sees him treat me how he does. It should bother me that he is treating me that way, not that other people are seeing it.

[allibaba]

I don't protect my husband from public opinion anymore. 

If he bails on a commitment - I say 'sorry he bailed but here I am.'

If he makes himself look silly I don't try to quiet him at all.  If someone else sees his behavior SO BE IT.

End result = Less acting up because he's not getting his desired reaction from me

[waverider]

This is very good thread. One of my biggest fears is for someone else seeing what my husband does. I don't know why but It bothers me if someone sees him treat me how he does. It should bother me that he is treating me that way, not that other people are seeing it.

Its all part of living on eggshells, and it is a liberating feeling when you come to accept that it is not your stuff, but his stuff... It is very freeing. What you are actually doing is worrying about you rather than the real issue ( a slight case of  ), which is exactly what a pwBPD does. Remember these episodes are not really about you, they are about your partner and the disorder, you are simply making it about you

[allibaba]

Remember these episodes are not really about you, they are about your partner and the disorder, you are simply making it about you

Thanks for this reminder.  I have it straight in my heads most days, but my heart really forgets sometimes

I wish that I could put this on a post-it note on my bathroom mirror (now that would be invalidating!).