Temper tantrums

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Have you ever noticed how the people who throw temper tantrums are so successful at manipulating others and getting their way? Both the PD (mother and brother) in my family have been doing this all along.

We have a family business. My parents are the main shareholders and all three adult children have lower levels of shares. uNPDBro is also one of the employees, and is supposed to working under the direction of enDad. I come in a few hours a week to help out (we get dividends), since I mainly work elsewhere.

Anyhow, I happen to be there recently and enDad is on the phone with our main customer. The call ends and my enDad politely asks uNPDBro to do a fairly simple and short task. My uNPDbro responds by yelling at enDad about how he is not assertive enough with the customers and tells them too many details. This results in uBPDmom overhearing it and she runs in and goes after enDad too. So now they are both going after enDad... .about absolute nonsense.

What a way to get out of doing anything. Just pull a red herring and rage over it. I don't know why my uNPDbro wants to be so aggressive and evasive with the people who send us money. There is really no need for it. In the past, I've begged and pleaded with enDad to keep as much distance as possible between uNPDbro and anyone we do business with.

So my parents, who were on their way out, leave as my uBPDmom continues to rage at enDad about... .well... .nothing really. My uNPDbro has succeeded in bringing the wraith down on enDad and I'm sure he's not going to bother doing the task now.

I approach my uNPDbro in a calm manner and ask him why he is causing trouble between enDad and uBPDmom. He blasts me with profanities. So I blast him back louder and longer. I've heard of this strategy before when dealing with people like uNPDbro.

A little later uNPDbro seeks me out, and tells me I hurt his feelings (being very waiflike). I let him know I did this to set a boundary between us. Regardless of how we feel, we are to be polite, not yell "Shut Up" or profanities.

"This goes both ways, so feel free to call me on it if I lose my cool."

I didn't like doing this, but it works for now. uNPDbro is being a lot more polite and respectful when I'm around.

No questions, just thought I'd share this.

[isshebpd]

Have you ever noticed how the people who throw temper tantrums are so successful at manipulating others and getting their way? Both the PD (mother and brother) in my family have been doing this all along.

We have a family business. My parents are the main shareholders and all three adult children have lower levels of shares. uNPDBro is also one of the employees, and is supposed to working under the direction of enDad. I come in a few hours a week to help out (we get dividends), since I mainly work elsewhere.

Anyhow, I happen to be there recently and enDad is on the phone with our main customer. The call ends and my enDad politely asks uNPDBro to do a fairly simple and short task. My uNPDbro responds by yelling at enDad about how he is not assertive enough with the customers and tells them too many details. This results in uBPDmom overhearing it and she runs in and goes after enDad too. So now they are both going after enDad... .about absolute nonsense.

What a way to get out of doing anything. Just pull a red herring and rage over it. I don't know why my uNPDbro wants to be so aggressive and evasive with the people who send us money. There is really no need for it. In the past, I've begged and pleaded with enDad to keep as much distance as possible between uNPDbro and anyone we do business with.

So my parents, who were on their way out, leave as my uBPDmom continues to rage at enDad about... .well... .nothing really. My uNPDbro has succeeded in bringing the wraith down on enDad and I'm sure he's not going to bother doing the task now.

I approach my uNPDbro in a calm manner and ask him why he is causing trouble between enDad and uBPDmom. He blasts me with profanities. So I blast him back louder and longer. I've heard of this strategy before when dealing with people like uNPDbro.

A little later uNPDbro seeks me out, and tells me I hurt his feelings (being very waiflike). I let him know I did this to set a boundary between us. Regardless of how we feel, we are to be polite, not yell "Shut Up" or profanities.

"This goes both ways, so feel free to call me on it if I lose my cool."

I didn't like doing this, but it works for now. uNPDbro is being a lot more polite and respectful when I'm around.

No questions, just thought I'd share this.

[GeekyGirl]

Hey issheBPD,

I think sometimes people in general (not just people with BPD) have temper tantrums because they can't find another way to express themselves. That's part of the reason that young children do--they just don't know a better way to get their points across. Do you think that's the case with your enBro and BPDm?

It's hard to not fight back when someone's lashing out at you... .believe me, I know. If/when your brother or mother rages again, what will you do?

[P.F.Change]

I can remember lots of family business problems in my own FOO. NPD uncle resented that my father had a share in the company. Many family spats around that.

He blasts me with profanities. So I blast him back louder and longer. I've heard of this strategy before when dealing with people like uNPDbro.

I have not heard this strategy recommended before. In fact, quite the opposite. Do you mind sharing your sources and why it is supposed to be useful? Since you say you did not like doing it, would you be open to trying alternatives?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[survivor123]

I think of it this way:  BPD is, from a neuroscience perspective, an elaborate, complex form of emotional arrested development.  The person literally never grew up emotionally and is emotionally immature relative to their adult chronological peers.  What they have found is that the brain's amygdyla is underdeveloped (yet overactive), the hippocampus is also abnormal, and the prefrontal cortex (which regulates moods and emotions) is not working at optimal levels.  This goes a long way in explaining BPD's issues with emotion regulation and cognition (especially executive function).  Hence, the childish "temper tantrums."  These brain abnormalities are most likely formed by early childhood abuse and neglect before the age of 7, when brain development is rapid. 

My mother, at her worst, would stomp her feet up and down like a little girl and spit at me.  Notice how this is exactly the way upset children behave.  She was chronologically in her 40s, but emotionally she was still a little girl.  Of course, she would never do this when others (non-family members) were around.

[zone out]

IssheBPD

My mother throws massive tantrums, just like a toddler - and she is in her 80s.  How she manages to hit the floor (usually via a padded chair) and flail around without breaking something, I'll never know.

That is a very good perspective Surivivor123 - and like your mother, mine would never behave like this in front of non family members.

When I first joined the site one of the senior members commented to me about the BPD 'their feelings are their reality' - that really struck a chord and helped me understand why my mother's rages - while totally irrational to me, were perfectly justified to her. 

The best way to quell a toddler tantrum is to act as if nothing is happening - next time I'm going to try that and see how I get on.  Will keep you posed.

[GeekyGirl]

The best way to quell a toddler tantrum is to act as if nothing is happening - next time I'm going to try that and see how I get on. 

It can be hard to do, but it's worked out much better for me when I've stayed calm, tried to reiterate the other person's point of view (using SET) and ended the conversation while I've had good self-control. It works for heated work discussions, enraged preschoolers, and my BPD mother. 

[zone out]

Yep - As GeekyGirl says it works for her.  I have tried reasoning and pleading - to absolutely no avail.  She interprets the reasoning as lecturing and the pleading as just plain stupid.  So next time I will be prepared and take a calm detached approach with some validation.  I think I might have to practice my technique in advance - I don't know if anyone else experiences this but when the red mist comes over her my mind tends to go blank!