Finally wanting to establish no contact, but guilt is getting in my way

[emily13]

  I am so very weary of supporting my exBPDbf. And he refuses to even accept that he is an EX. 6+ years ago I experienced bliss and spent 3 wonderful months in heaven with my soulmate. Then I dropped into hell and have been there ever since.

  I have tried many times to end it with him but each time he gives me promises and excuses.

Of course NC is the only way to end his begging, pleading, negotiating, rationalizing, blaming, etc actions in his attempts to hang onto me and my support (including financial)... .each time termed "love" by him. So many suggestions to him over the years... .go to AA, talk to a priest, get on a wait list for rehab, go to a food bank, talk to your T, go to an employment centre. Response- "I can't because... ."

  I need to cut all ties. But how does one end contact with someone who is penniless, barely pays his rent with disability support, has zero friends/ family (and I do mean zero-he has alienated all), has been unemployed for 7 years, has been in and out of jail on harassment charges by an EX, constantly breaches probation, has checked himself into a psych ward again but this time to avoid arrest? I suppose the answer is to remember that he drank every bit of money he has been given, lies to, cheats on, and steals from the one he "loves". And throw in a large dose of verbal and emotional abuse and a handful of physical abuse.

  So why is NC so difficult for me? I do not love him, I don't even like him. i just feel sorry for him. Why do I feel guilty? And short of changing all my contact info, how to get him to leave me alone? Do I need to charge him with criminal harassment like his ex before me did?

[HarmKrakow]

Why is it difficult?

Because he is emotionally blackmailing you. Emotional abuse.

One way of cutting the tie is to do this together with a very good friend of you, who can always remind you of the decision you made, one you can always call the moment you have issues regarding this situation and one who is fully aware of that you are breaking the financial (and everything) ties with this guy. This way your friend will be the stick behind the door so you can keep it shut.

[emily13]

That is a very good idea. I have been poor over this time confiding in friends about just how bad things really are. I have found even "good" friends can be judgmental... .even though I do know they have my best interest in mind. And of course my EX has been a pro at isolating me. I have been working over the last few months to re-strengthen my friendships. That is vital to my recovery.

Thank you for your words.

[HarmKrakow]

That is a very good idea. I have been poor over this time confiding in friends about just how bad things really are. I have found even "good" friends can be judgmental... .even though I do know they have my best interest in mind. And of course my EX has been a pro at isolating me. I have been working over the last few months to re-strengthen my friendships. That is vital to my recovery.

Thank you for your words.

You won't need many friends for this specific endeavor I told you about.

I did it myself, I used one really good friend who I knew I could trust (it can even be a family member). That person knew the entire situation, kept track on me, and even threatened me (as a joke) that if I would ever to contact this EX again me and my friend (and I consider that person a very good friend) were over. Do you think that helped? Of course (!)

I got the leverage I wanted, the 'proverbial" stick behind the door and I cut off ties with my ex.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

[fromheeltoheal]

A drowning man who will pull you down with him if you don't let go comes to mind.  You sound deeply enmeshed, and putting a good plan together with support and then making a clean break is all that will work; a half-hearted attempt will fail.

My BPD ex was a full time job with overtime, although she always landed on her feet.  She tried to use guilt with me, and I wasn't buying it, she's a survivor, always has been, and was using the guilt to ensnare me.  It worked for a while.

[HarmKrakow]

A drowning man who will pull you down with him if you don't let go comes to mind.  You sound deeply enmeshed, and putting a good plan together with support and then making a clean break is all that will work; a half-hearted attempt will fail.

My BPD ex was a full time job with overtime, although she always landed on her feet.  She tried to use guilt with me, and I wasn't buying it, she's a survivor, always has been, and was using the guilt to ensnare me.  It worked for a while.

This is harsh, but it's SO true. Half-hearted will fail.

[Tricky]

Harmkrkow, I feel for you.

I have been wracked with guilt over my decision to end a 4 yr relationship with a pw BPD following her horrific attempted suicide. Guilt everywhere, as you can imagine!

Everyone told me I shouldn't feel that way, and that I was not responsible for her or her self destructive actions. I found myself saying the words to myself and out loud to others, but not actually believing them. My therapist - never would have considered seeing a therapist before all this! - pointed me in the right direction as we discussed responsibility. It was a wonderful moment when I actually FELT that I wasn't responsible for her actions, or her thoughts or her emotions.

A dreadful moment when I realised I had to accept full responsibility for me, my actions,thoughts and emotions; and putting up with her behavior, manipulation and emotional abuse. Painful.

Now I can try to slowly move on, protected by NC and good friends. I am only responsible for me, and my child. I will not allow myself to be manipulated by her illness any more.

I'm sure it will be difficult for you to maintain NC, esp. as he inevitably  won't cooperate. But it will be worth it. Really. Avoid the manipulation, give yourself the emotional space to heal. He will probably go on the attack when he realises you are serious, and you will to be need to be strong. Heeltoheal is 110% correct - half hearted WILL fail.

Wishing you strength and good luck.

[emily13]

Thanks again.

I have just read the article "Leaving a Partner with BPD" (on this site). Excellent guidelines on how to establish and maintain NC. I have definitely made some mistakes in the past, being half-hearted in my desire to leave and my attempts at doing so. BIG mistake. You are all correct, a BPD can smell half-hearted and vulnerable.

I will focus now on my plan and follow through. I DO want him out of my life. I cannot be with a partner for whom I only feel pity.

Yes, this will take strength, but it can be done.

[hopealways]

Trust me, they are survivors: they survived before you and they will after you. Don't feel sorry for him, feel sorry for yourself.