Whether to enforce a clean break for my SO from her lover

[Chimo]

Earlier this year my SO started having inappropriate behaviour with a friend from a local theatre group. It was butt touching, double entendres at first, but then evolved into sexting on Facebook. Her talking him to an orgazm, basically.

I found the thread on Facebook by accident, confronted her, and sent him a strongly worded email to leave her alone.

She was at first very worried I was going to leave her until she realised she might have to drop out of the production, then she got mad. We reached a compromise that she could continue the production on the basis that it was all professional.

To complicate matters she's very close friends with his Wife and our children play together. I told him that I wouldn't do anything so long as he left her alone, but that if he did I would tell his wife.

Now, I naturally had my suspicions that things were still going to happen because a BPD can't help themselves, my SO craves love and attention. I would catch her private messaging him on Facebook and she would say it was for the produciton and say I was pissing her off.

Now, this week, some 8+ months later I find another sexting session, except that they say they love each other, and upon talking to her it turns out she went to his place some evening when she said she was visiting his wife (which she does do.). Turns out they were sitting on the sofa and kissing.

Now, it's coincidental that the single run of this production is tonight, so I've told her that after tonight she has no contact at all with him. I also told her I am going to tell his wife everything.

At first she was OK with not seeing him, "good riddance", and was overly affectionate and loving with me, saying how she loved our family, how it was just going to be us. This however, was on the basis that I didn't tell his wife.

On insisting that I will tell his wife and that she may absolutely not say goodbye to him she became angry and withdrawn from me. She is very concerned about him hating her and equally concerned about not seeing his wife any more, and is in fact more concerned about them than about me.

She says she doesn't feel like she's done anything wrong. She's never apologised.

She says she should tell the wife so she can explain and so I don't give her all the details.

I know that if I don't enforce a clean break, including from his wife, that this will continue. However, right now, it seems like she would spiral and distance from me, and I can't get past that right now.

I'm sure I seem like an arsehole, like I want to ruin their marriage, but I know my wife, and I know this guy will only take notice to this kind of drastic action. He doesn't care my wife has BPD, he's just after his kicks; even warning him before I'd tell his wife didn't make him stop. In fact he even implied my SO offered him sex.

Should I let her have a goodbye from him? Should I just let it blow over like I did before and not tell his wife? Should I let my wife keep seeing her because it makes her happy, and because I'm afraid of what my wife will do if I do tell?

Thank you everybody.

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[Aussie0zborn]

No, you are not an arsehole by any means. You sound like a fine upstanding guy to me. There are so many things wrong here... .

1. He tells you your wife has offered him sex. He has one over you now so watch out, buddy. He can snap his fingers at will and have HIS way with YOUR wife. Who does he think he is?

2. She is friendly with his wife and she does this to her? Total disrespect for the woman. About the same amount of respect she has for you.

3. She cares about everyone else but not you.

4. She sees no need to apologize. 

5. She is relying on you to cover up for her (again) as you usually do, as you have done all these years so who the hell do you think you are going and telling his wife about this?

If I were you, I would be telling his wife in his presence straight away. You need to get this couple out of your life. She could ofcourse run off with him but better now than later. You might point this out to her / your family so she knows she can't get away with this sh!t. They hate being found out and this might deter her from crossing your boundaries again.

Set up and enforce boundaries, set up an exit plan just for good measure and take control. Do it while you are still thinking clearly and logically. Your concern that she might withdraw from you and the kids is a genuine one and I don't even have 0.02c to chip in here. I hope you find a solution and resolve this horrible issue. Good luck.

[waverider]

No, you are not an arsehole by any means. You sound like a fine upstanding guy to me. There are so many things wrong here... .

1. He tells you your wife has offered him sex. He has one over you now so watch out, buddy. He can snap his fingers at will and have HIS way with YOUR wife. Who does he think he is?

2. She is friendly with his wife and she does this to her? Total disrespect for the woman. About the same amount of respect she has for you.

3. She cares about everyone else but not you.

4. She sees no need to apologize. 

5. She is relying on you to cover up for her (again) as you usually do, as you have done all these years so who the hell do you think you are going and telling his wife about this?

If I were you, I would be telling his wife in his presence straight away. You need to get this couple out of your life. She could ofcourse run off with him but better now than later. You might point this out to her / your family so she knows she can't get away with this sh!t. They hate being found out and this might deter her from crossing your boundaries again.

Set up and enforce boundaries, set up an exit plan just for good measure and take control. Do it while you are still thinking clearly and logically. Your concern that she might withdraw from you and the kids is a genuine one and I don't even have 0.02c to chip in here. I hope you find a solution and resolve this horrible issue. Good luck.

A boundary is about protecting you at your core, it does not take into consideration the feelings of others, nor what they they think of you. It is your bottom line.

What is your bottom line, what is hurting you? My guess is that this is going on, the uncertainty, lack of trust, feeling powerless and manipulated etc...

If this is it then you need this to stop. It is not negotiable. You wont live this way, so you ensure it stops or you refuse to stay in a RS where this is going on.

Two people who have been involved like this can rarely get on platonically after this even if they dont have a disorder. A pwBPD cannot be predicted or relied upon. So you have to enact yoru boundaries so that you are not exposed to it. You cannot control what she does or doesn't do by means of demands or negotiations.

Involving his wife is just passing that responsibility for your welfare onto someones else's actions. It also causes you to be a source of passive aggression, and you can loose control of the consequences and take on more blame (projection). Concentrate on your actions that you have control over to protect you from what is eating you up. Everyone else can sort themselves out, you cannot do this for them