What should I have done if my ex girlfriend had BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi All,

I posted my intro and question (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211296.0) in the intro board originally, but I'm moving the question here because it seems more appropriate.

I only came across info on BPD after trying to make sense of a failed relationship.  My ex gf isn't diagnosed with BPD, but nearly everything seems to fit.  She's never harmed herself to my knowledge, but during our two breakups, I was worried she might because she seemed so distraught.  She's been to a therapist a few times for anxiety, but when I suggested couples counseling she said that therapists never have anything helpful to say to her.  So my question is, if I'd suspected she'd had BPD while we were still together, what could I have done?  Asked her to get help?  That doesn't seem like it would have gone over well.  I still hope she will get help, but I don't know how that will happen.  How could that happen when she experiences everything as criticism and attack?

[nullset]

Hi All,

I posted my intro and question (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211296.0) in the intro board originally, but I'm moving the question here because it seems more appropriate.

I only came across info on BPD after trying to make sense of a failed relationship.  My ex gf isn't diagnosed with BPD, but nearly everything seems to fit.  She's never harmed herself to my knowledge, but during our two breakups, I was worried she might because she seemed so distraught.  She's been to a therapist a few times for anxiety, but when I suggested couples counseling she said that therapists never have anything helpful to say to her.  So my question is, if I'd suspected she'd had BPD while we were still together, what could I have done?  Asked her to get help?  That doesn't seem like it would have gone over well.  I still hope she will get help, but I don't know how that will happen.  How could that happen when she experiences everything as criticism and attack?

[Ironmanrises]

What could you have done... .?

When it comes to dealing with... .

Someone who has BPD... .

There isn't anything... .

Literally... .

At all... .

That you can do.

Nothing.

Those criticisms... .

Those attacks... .

You are experiencing... .

From her... .

Is a part of her BPD... .

And that will intensify... .

The more you... .

The very person... .

Closest to her... .

Attempts to speak to her.

Keep reading about BPD... .

Start reading the accounts on here... .

And that will give you... .

A picture... .

Of what it is... .

That you are dealing with.

Hang in there.

[HarmKrakow]

You could have done nothing.

This board has 9124123.5 million examples where the NON tried to convince the BPDer he/she has BPD and that all went apehit. And backfired tremendously!

[nullset]

Let me clarify my question a little.  From what I understand about BPD, I don't see how anyone with it could ever willingly seek help for themselves.  But this does happen, how does that play out?

I've got a pretty good picture, in retrospect, of what was going on.  It just seems like I saw a side of my ex gf that not many others see, and she interpreted even the suggestion of seeing a couples counselor together as an attack on her.  The few times she saw a therapist, I doubt it was anyone with training in BPD.  Obviously, even mentioning BPD, or the idea of her seeing a therapist on her own, would have been a bad idea.  Was leaving really the only option?  Is there ever a way, without enabling?

[houseofswans]

Hi nullset,

I read on a website that it was a "Bad, BAD, idea... ." to suggest to a BPD that they have the illness.

I only found out about my ex's BPD/NPD after the umpteenth and final breakup, so understand your concerns.

[hopealways]

Let me clarify my question a little.  From what I understand about BPD, I don't see how anyone with it could ever willingly seek help for themselves.  But this does happen, how does that play out?

I've got a pretty good picture, in retrospect, of what was going on.  It just seems like I saw a side of my ex gf that not many others see, and she interpreted even the suggestion of seeing a couples counselor together as an attack on her.  The few times she saw a therapist, I doubt it was anyone with training in BPD.  Obviously, even mentioning BPD, or the idea of her seeing a therapist on her own, would have been a bad idea.  Was leaving really the only option?  Is there ever a way, without enabling?

The reason so little is known about the causes and treatments for BPD is precisely because BPD rarely seek help and if they do they never go back to therapy after a few sessions, or their therapists do not know how to deal with BPD.  So you could have done nothing except RUN.  Be glad you are away, trust me.  Good luck.

[Aussie0zborn]

Most people who seek professional help for their situations are advised not to mention they suspect their SO has BPD.  If you read through the many topics on this forum you will see that comes up quite often,  where people have suggested BPD to their SO it has mostly been a bad reaction. Reading through this forum will also answer other questions for you and give you a better understanding of BPD.

Just be glad it's all over and use it as a lesson to recognize red flags next time. 

[Clearmind]

Null, its not up to us to make it OK for them - we are all adults and with that privilege comes choice. Someone with BPD or traits needs to come to a conclusion in their own time that they need help.

We need to work on our rescuing tendencies and why we want to fix/rescue despite our own happiness and health.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey nullset, there is something that's been posted here often that goes something like this: you didn't cause it and you can't fix it!

There are pwBPD that seek out help. But that was their own choice. My exBPDgf was diagnosed and knew her illness but she still quit therapy. It's very tough for them.

Sorry it's not a rosy picture. And the most likely thing is that if you'd known about BPD it still would not have worked out.

[nullset]

Hi all, thanks for you caring and comments.

I hear your concerns about not rescuing.  You'll be glad to know that I broke the relationship off for good, and have limited (currently no) contact with my ex.  I was aware of my own rescuing tendencies before I even met her, and I continue to improve on them with ongoing therapy.

Aussie0zborn, I'll definitely have an easier time recognizing the red flags if there is a next time (hopefully not!) or even if friends find themselves in similar situations.  This gets to the heart of my question though, what options are there when you recognize the red flags?  Just run?  What if you're not sure whether it's BPD but you think it might be?

[Learning_curve74]

This gets to the heart of my question though, what options are there when you recognize the red flags?  Just run?  What if you're not sure whether it's BPD but you think it might be?

A person doesn't have to have BPD to be an unhealthy partner. Alcoholics, drug addicts, and people with bipolar may exhibit many very BPD traits, and I have to say that it is extremely unlikely that I would ever entertain getting into a relationship with anybody suffering from those things in the future. Not that they don't deserve love, but I'm choosing not to be the one trying to give it to them!

I just wrote in another thread about red flags that many people on the forums here probably ignored or excused that other people probably would not put up with. I came up with a list just off the top of my head something like: raging, violence/physical abuse, lying, triangulating, cheating/infidelity, gaslighting, alcohol and/or drug abuse, silent treatment, black/white thinking. Other than the occassional short bout of silent treatment and black/white thinking about specific topics, I think all the other things are pretty awful for a healthy relationship, and I am unlikely to put up with them in a future partner.