I don´t feel alright some days about our sex life...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Tried to 'edit' my post above & it wouldn't let me... .Should have said; "I'd forgotten how nice it was to make love again". Candles, incense & music, kissing & hugging, laughing & joking. Just lying there talking... .This disease is a bad one. Thank God for this site to remind me of where I don't want to go back to, because from time to time I think about it... .    zzz

[hurtbyboderline]

Tried to 'edit' my post above & it wouldn't let me... .Should have said; "I'd forgotten how nice it was to make love again". Candles, incense & music, kissing & hugging, laughing & joking. Just lying there talking... .This disease is a bad one. Thank God for this site to remind me of where I don't want to go back to, because from time to time I think about it... .    zzz

[Pearl55]

Hurbyborderline,

Haha it was really good explanations. She had her vibrator and her HUMAN vibrator. My husband treated me like a prostitute, actually free prostitute. Mechanical sex, always how he wanted, when and where!

During first year of our marriage I wanted to give blow job to him and he refused. How f#€# up is his mind?

[hergestridge]

Actually, anger and irritation gets in the way of our sex life. My BPD wife is very fixated on technocal aspects of her orgasm (faster! slower! more to the left!) and after a short while she starts to worry that it takes too long and that all of a sudden she's annoyed and in a bad mood. Then she starts too "check" my erection, making it clear that it has to be a little bit harder in order to turn her on (of course it's failing after 25 minutes of "faster! slower!... .". You get the idea.

The most enjoyable sex I've had with her us when we've watched sex movies together. The interaction part seems to be the problem.

Strangely, apart from her rigid sex routine, my wife sometimes claims to be bi-sexual and wants us to try swinging. The bi-sexusl part id something she doesn't want to talk about for months, then it comes up again.

[karma_gal]

Hurtbyborderline:

Yep, you get it!  That's exactly what I'm trying to convey:  Sex is purely physical on his end and he sees no reason to change things.  If I cave and agree, he gets what he wants, and that's really all he cares about.  I was drinking a cup of coffee when I read your post and when I got to the point about, ":)o you want to stick it in there?" I literally spit my coffee out in shock.  Do these folks have a book with lame initiation lines that they use?  I get, "Wanna do it?  Want me to stick it in there?"  Where in God's name did they ever get the idea that that was sexy? 

I am so glad you got out of the relationship with the BPD in your life and have moved on to healthier partners.  When I read your addendum post about how sex is with "normal" people I felt myself with conflicting emotions:  Sad because I'm missing out on that -- and what you wrote is exactly what I want my sex life to look like -- and angry because I've stayed here for so long tolerating the emptiness.  I want you to know I'm truly happy for you that you have found an awesome relationship and sex life with normals post this craziness... .but I'm so incredibly jealous right now! 

I hope I'm not making excuses, but it seems soo hard to get out of this relationship.  I mentioned before that in rages he leaves, and at times has been gone two or three months in a stretch.  I always let him come back, and I need to figure out why.  I need to figure out why I keep putting up with this instead of going out and finding what it is I'm looking for.  I think one of my biggest fears is I wouldn't know how to act/deal with a normal partner after so many years of this craziness, let alone get to the point where rocking sex enters the picture. 

Pearl: You, too, nailed it when you mentioned feeling like a free prostitute.  That's exactly the feeling I'm left with.  Are you guys divorced now?  How did you live like that without completely shutting down and letting it affect every part of you?  I have so many feelings of worthlessness out of this that I don't know how to deal with them. 

[Changingman]

A twisted sexual relationship would be correct in the light of the disorder, SM acts ( domination/submission ), multiple partners, no intimacy, intensity of the pathology ( mistaken for passion ), hurt, pain, no limits on what they would do, revenge, punishment, fridgidity, object orientated, fantasies... .to control, both their own inner turmoil and you.

[Changingman]

Oh and forgot sex with other women, just for fun. They do all he work.

[Changingman]

This does not sound like its going to end well does it... .CRAZY

[sadinsweden]

A really really interesting thread here. I'm glad someone brought up the subject. I do have to say that I disagree about guys and intimacy. Most guys I know, really need/want intimacy. This includes my BPD to whom I believe intimacy is even more important than sex.

As far as our sex life is concerned... .well, my presence is optional. It's all about him. But for intimacy... .it's lovely. He always holds my hand before he falls to sleep at night. We dance in the kitchen. Kiss on the street. He hugs me, holds me, pats me, regularly buys me gifts, and he has the touch of a god (which kills me sometimes because if he could only only touch me like that during sex). To outsiders, they must think we are the most romantic couple on the planet. For me, I've given up on the idea of actually "making love" ... .but maybe this is love (with out the "making love" portion of the program). I have no clue ... .but this is something I'm willing to work on 

[Jbt857]

This post caught my eye because it has been an ongoing issue in my marriage.  I constantly say we have no connection.  I feel used every time we have sex.  I feel like there's nothing there.  I feel like I could be any woman in the world that he's having sex with -- that he's not doing it because he loves me particularly but because I'm available.  He initiates the same teenage-boy inspired way every single time, does his thing, and in two minutes flat it's over... .leaving me with nothing gained at all but losing so much each and every time we have sex. 

As a result of this and so many other of his behaviors our intimate life sucks.  I just can't make myself WANT to be intimate with him because it leaves me feeling so empty and dirty and used up.  I have explained to him a million times that I need foreplay, that I need a connection outside of the bedroom to want to be intimate with him, that I need something more than, "Wanna do it?" and yet it falls on deaf ears. 

We are currently in a cycle of him raging because I won't be intimate and me digging my heels in the sand and refusing to continue doing something that makes me feel so bad, so used, and so empty.  We can't find a middle ground.  He honestly has zero clue what I'm asking for from him, even though I've written it down and explained it 100 ways to Sunday.  He insists that my wanting a connection is abnormal and asking too much and is what fairy tales are made of, not real life relationships.   

Those of you living like this, how are you dealing with this issue so that everyone is happy, or at least feels comfortable with the situation?  I am just tired of feeling like a prostitute that he uses for his release with absolutely nothing in it for me, and not even money on the table, and he professes not to understand what emotional intimacy is and why it's important.  This is an every week argument for us and it's getting ridiculous. 

Hi Karma Gal,

I don't have the answer, but that is exactly how my marriage was. My ex simply refused, point blank, to do anything to make me feel desired or wanted. His argument was 'if you give me sex, maybe I'd be romantic'. ('Give me' - not share with me... .Smh). He simply didn't see why he should offer me love or intimacy or make me feel like I wanted to have sex with him, when his need wasn't being met.

It degenerated to the point where he would regularly pick a fight at bedtime, scream that he was going to find someone who did want sex with him, remove his wedding ring and stay out all night.

At the start of my marriage, I had hoped that our emotional connection and intimacy would grow. It never did. I used to be a sexual, sensual woman. A decade of feeling like I could have been anyone has left me feeling as though I switched that part of my life off, and I don't know when or if I will be able to switch it back on. I'm not sure I'd know how to be truly intimate with someone again.

[karma_gal]

JBT:

I am so sorry that you too had to live through this.  It is the most degrading way of living ever.  I have never felt so down and low about myself, because if my husband didn't want me, who would, right? 

Mine tried the, "You go first" tactic, and it worked for him for a while.  Then I realized that I was always the one holding up my end of the bargain while he "forgot" what his was and I put a stop to it.  I in no way believe that marriage should be tit for tat, but I got to the point where I just couldn't make myself do something I was so uncomfortable with just to fulfill "my wifely duties" as he calls them and make him happy with absolutely zero reciprocation on his part.  I think for us women it's a hard pill to swallow since we thrive when our emotional needs are met.  What these men can't understand is that there's a natural flow to things:  If I, the woman, feel sexy and desired, my sex drive skyrockets, and as an organic result his needs get filled.  Like everything else in life, though, mine wants to skip the hard part that involves him giving something and skip to the part where he gets what he wants.  He does it with sex, respect, and every other area of his life.  He honestly feels entitled and "owed" for simply being him. 

Like you said, I'm not sure I will know how to be truly intimate with someone else, but I'm determined to get to a point where I have the chance   I go through spells where I'm afraid that "normal" will scare me, or I will scare them, because I don't remember how to do the normal dance.  The one I'm doing right now is based off the old Twister game, with me ending up tied in knots by the end, and that's my normal right now.  I have been where you are -- with that part of me turned off -- and I still have moments like that.  I am doing much better, though, simply by reading, therapy when I need to reinforce something or learn how to handle something else.   I also have decided to start investing in me this last year, and the difference in me is astonishing.  I got a new haircut, got my nails did, read more, became a much more interesting person.  I put myself out there and started meeting people, including men.  I had my first post-marriage crush this summer with a guy that had a similar hobby to mine.  It was strictly fantasy -- like I didn't profess my love for him and ask him to marry me or anything -- but it showed me that all those feelings and desires were still part of me... .just not with my husband. 

I totally get 1000000 percent how living like this can leave you feeling worthless and broken.  I still do sometimes.  But although he drug you to that low place, don't stay there.  Start doing something kind for yourself every single day -- whether it's a bath, a phone call with a friend, a walk in the neighborhood, a massage, a new pair of shoes, whatever makes you happy.  Go out in the world, smile, and strut your stuff.  I found that by feeling good about myself, people started talking to me everywhere I went.  That boosted my self-esteem.  Now, I know I'm worth way more than this; I just need to figure out how to coexist until I can get all of my ducks in a row to walk out the door.   

[hurtbyboderline]

Pearl55, That's it! I was a free prostitute! Actually, not free, she'd spend her check in a matter of days & then I':) have to support her for the rest of the month! So I paid her!

Karma_gal, LOL, you don't have to be jealous! Both ladies (actually one now. All good things must come to an end!) are/were just friends with benefits type of relationships. Not at all what I'm looking for. I prefer one partner that I'm truly in love with. BUT, it sure reminded me what good sex was! You know, with a partner that participates! That tries to make you feel good!  ... .   

I just chuckle as I read through this thread. For the most part all I have to do is change the names & it's my old relationship to a 'T'. Reading reminded me of some things. How she always wanted to have a 3 some. With another woman? Ah, no way! With another guy! In fact, she even had a guy in mind. The same guy that used to sleep with her & her ex! Needless to say there is NO way this was ever going to happen... .zzz

[Changingman]

This post is kind of insulting, do men have feeling? Do men have problems with intimacy? Do men not understand their own feelings?

I have a son and daughter and they both have an emotional life. I worry more about my sons emotional life than hers if I'm honest.

We have all here been stripped of our dignity and humanity by this disorder. Men commit rates of suicide far higher than women. Men have an emotional life like yours.

Men with BPD are far more dangerous physically, women with BPD emotionally. Though a bit sweeping, we must come together as brothers and sisters to help each other.

Good Luck everyone

[Jbt857]

Thanks KG.

Unfortunately, my husband was 'tit for tat' in absolutely everything. Except he got quite a lot of tit, and I got a hunk of worthless BPD tat.  I do try and do stuff for myself. I'm in better shape than ever, and I know I look pretty good right now. I've gone out and made new friends and do socialise. But the notion of dating still scares me and a part of that is that I know dating (assuming he's the right guy) will one day lead to intimacy, and I don't know how that works anymore. I guess I'll get there, when the time is right. But it's not yet.

Changingman - I don't think anyone means this thread to be insulting to men. I know I for one don't judge all men that way. I know they aren't all that way - but my experience is with my disordered male ex. I do think many men are able to split sex from emotions far more easily than women, and the inter-relation between the two isn't as complex as it may be for a woman. In fact, many guys here have described how great the porn-star style sex was in the beginning, and then it was them looking for the emotional connection that never materialised, but they enjoyed the sex anyway.

As you say, we're all here for the same reason. 

[karma_gal]

I am super busy today but wanted to hop on and comment and apologize to you, Changingman, if you took anything I have said as being insulting, either to yourself or other men.  I want to reiterate what JBT said:  My experience is with ONE person, one man, who seems to have a constellation of issues that may very well be BPD.  Because of my experience with him, and him alone, I am seeking assistance from others who are more objective than I am about my own situation.  In other words, I'm not painting all men with the same brush and assuming every man is this way.  In fact, I think I've said that I can't wait for the day when I can find a man who is the complete opposite, because I am convinced they are out there. 

I am fully cognizant of the fact that my husband has feelings, but unlike your assertion that men with BPD are more dangerous physically, mine is the complete opposite:  He is extremely emotional, very emotionally manipulative, and has never and would never lay a finger on me physically because that he can't hide as well.  He is so in touch with his emotion of anger, actually, that it permeates every aspect of our lives... .through non-physical means:  Gaslighting, lying, projection, passive-aggressiveness, learned (faked) helplessness, et cetera.  I wish he would hit me; that I could deal with.  This soul-sucking emotional manipulation that he employs is what has beat me down and caused me to doubt my own sanity many times; it has left me feeling like a shell of the person I was once because I had no idea what he was doing to me for years.  This has affected every aspect of our lives, including our sex life, hence my post on this thread initially.  If I thought for two minutes that his emotions were real and heartfelt, he would have every ounce of compassion I have in me.  But that's not my reality.  My reality is that he has learned somewhere in his life that women are emotional creatures, and has learned how to play upon and manipulate that to his advantage. 

So again, I apologize if anything I said has insulted or offended you.  Trust me that was never my intent.  As you said, we're all here for the same purpose, and I have learned TONS already just from going through old threads.  I can't believe a resource like this exists, and am so incredibly grateful for it.  Unfortunately, this disorder manifests itself in different ways in different people, and sometimes those subjects aren't sexy (no pun intended) ones to have to discuss with an internet full of strangers.  In fact, I hesitated to post because this is a hugely personal topic, and especially personal to me since it has and continues to affect my opinion of myself, and is a pretty raw subject for me.  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to tolerate the momentary humiliation of putting it all out there in order to get some objective advice.  I'm glad I did, though, because the posters who have commented have been immensely helpful and I needed that. 

So if there was something in particular that I said that has insulted or offended you, by all means, please PM me and I am more than happy to talk to you further.  Sometimes in the midst of my own pain, the words flow from my brain to my keyboard without a lot of thought before I hit "send."  I want to be mindful of others' experiences as I settle in here as I make my way from undecided to choosing a side, and certainly didn't intend to upset or anger anyone. 

[hurtbyboderline]

Changingman, I don't at all find this thread insulting towards men & I'm a man. I could insert my exBPDGF's name in place of EVERY man's name on EVERY woman's post on this thread. She did the same things & acted the same way. It's not a male/female thing, it's a BPD thing! Read my posts... .Plus I think more female's than male's have posted. My posts were directed at a female & the female's that posted here directed their posts towards male's cuz that's the gender they were with.  just sayin'  Oh & the 'porn star sex' I was referring to still didn't have any emotion. It was 'porn star' insofar as anyplace/anytime/anything... .   zzz

[Changingman]

Hi everyone

No insult taken, none intended. Good people are out there, everywhere. Let's not let these demons put us of our path. Let their tears dry by themselves.

Love to everyone who really needs it.

Might start a dating site for non BPDs

Ha

Just the best people, you all know that.

[froggy]

I think as far as emotions go pwBPD are more emotional than most people. ... they just don't know how to process them and feel them more intensity and are easily frigtened and overwhelmed by them.

I don't see my H as emtionless... hw cries much easier than I do but also gets frustrated quickly and is always on the edge of anger.

Reading about this disorder and seeing that they are emotionally stunted... .I see the little boy... .his mother told me he use to hold his breath or bang his head in the floor when he was having a tantrum... .he just never got out if that stage... never learned to cope with his emotions.

I understand he is disordered... .the frustration comes from living with a emotional child who thinks the world revolves around him and can't see how his actions effect not only me but his children.

Frustrating because he can hold it together for strangers.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I started this post long ago because of an argument I had with my uBPDh. We have been married for 17 years and our sex life is the reason I am going to leave him.

He told me that to make love with me was the same as having sex with anyone else - emotionally. He said for men it was just physical and only physical - so why not do something depraved if it makes you physically enticing... .

He said the he could not believe that there was any intimacy what so ever in sex and it would mean the same thing to him to have an affair as to make love with me. And if the woman was prettier, it woud even be better.

He said I was a fairy-tale dreamer and that in reality all men are this way - it´s just physical. He said I was dreaming and that intimacy was a thing that women complain about but never get.

Since he was my first boyfriend, and only one, I have never had any other experience in this area. But I know I´m not asking for too much... .So I had to post this to see if he was just lying (once more), or if that is the truth just for him, or if I am right to feel a lack of intimacy.

I do apologize to all those whom I have offended here. I am sorry. Being offensive was not my objective. I just want to be loved... .and am desperately trying to believe that I deserve to be loved and it does exist, despite what he thinks.  This is why I am leaving him - and a whole bunch of other stuff too.

[Slonzok]

Hi all!

I've read through the post- I find it very interesting and validating, especially bc I read some statements written by both men and women which stress the same aspects I

would mention when describing my current rs with my unBPD wife.

First of all- I agree with others here as I don't think it is a man/woman difference. I read once of concept of sexual intelligence - just like E.Q. or I.Q. . In my opinion many persons with BPD tend to have a very low sexual intelligence.

When I met my wife almost 9 years ago, our sex was incredible- frequent, intense, mindblowing etc It lasted just a few month (3 or 4). Then it almost stopped- in that time we had sex maybe once a month. After that (another 3 or 4 month later) we had sex every three month and soon we were down to once a year.

Though I still suffer a lot bc of it, I can tell honestly: it's not only the frequency... .Every time we did have sex, I had the feeling it was a fake. I had to tell my wife to slow things down during it, she never wanted foreplay, until 2 years ago when we tried to discuss the possibilities to improve our sex life. But it doesn't work with her - it's full action or nothing with her... .I blamed it on the low frequency, but I'm not sure about it anymore. I'm normally a very sexual man. Making love used to be for me about enjoying very intimate moments together, cuddling, laughing, talking etc Sure, I experienced a quick intercourse sometimes, but it was always an exception. I tried to tell my wife that I not only miss the relief / orgasm bc I can take care of it myself, but that I lack the intimacy with her, I miss her lust, her longing for me.

I think I'm not less a man bc I see an important difference between having sex with just somebody and the woman I love.

We experience a very bad cycle by now, I'm afraid it could lead to the end of our marriage. If I should ever start another rs, intimacy would be one of the things to look for and I mean by it more than frequent sex.

Slonzok

[lonelyh1]

I have been married 10 years.

My uBPD wife and I have zero intimacy.  Even when she is in the idolization phase.  Yes we have sex.  But it is empty sex. 

I have spoken about it to her many times.  Her response"who is the woman in this relationship". 

She is supposed to be my sole mate, my partner for life.  Who else can you be this intimate with.

So yes I get whta you are saying. 

Let me say this is not a man thing.  I do not understand why she is so guarded. 

These things still cause me lots of pain.  I have never dealt well with the lack of intimacy.  And I finally realized I can not live with out it.  She is incapable of giving it to me. 

[karma_gal]

I have been married 10 years.

My uBPD wife and I have zero intimacy.  Even when she is in the idolization phase.  Yes we have sex.  But it is empty sex. 

I have spoken about it to her many times.  Her response"who is the woman in this relationship". 

She is supposed to be my sole mate, my partner for life.  Who else can you be this intimate with.

So yes I get whta you are saying. 

Let me say this is not a man thing.  I do not understand why she is so guarded. 

These things still cause me lots of pain.  I have never dealt well with the lack of intimacy.  And I finally realized I can not live with out it.  She is incapable of giving it to me. 

And this is the crux of a lot of their behaviors, really:  They simply aren't capable of doing "X" like a "normal" person.  For me, it makes it hard to understand -- like really get and make sense of -- because it's so... .not normal.  Empty sex is exactly the right way to describe it.  The worst part is when WE wake up, realize what we're not getting and figure out that we can't live without those things anymore, we've usually got a pretty decent time investment -- at a minimum; often there's financial concerns, kids, et cetera -- and it's hard to just walk away.  You're in good company here, Lonely.  It seems so many of us are struggling with the very same thing, and it's just sad. 

[hurtbyboderline]

YES! The perfect description!  "Empty Sex"... .

[lonelyh1]

we've usually got a pretty decent time investment -- at a minimum; often there's financial concerns, kids, et cetera -- and it's hard to just walk away. 

That is exactly how I felt.  But today, I think I need to leave, no matter how painful. She'll take my son from me. I know it and it is breaking my heart

[OV-105]

I had some issues in that direction myself.  Though married for 20+ years, I fell in love early this year with a BPD and we wound up being lovers; she is married too but her husband - she said - didn't "do" it for her any longer.

Anyway, it was great at first - we were both filling a void or two that we had struggled with in our married lives.  But after awhile, perhaps two months, the sex took on the quality of being a "transaction."  It was great, don't get me wrong.  But she was always a bit of a carnivore - let's go for it, let's do it... .let's figure out where we're going for lunch.  You can smile if you want - if our genders had been reversed, it would have been almost "normal" - but I wanted to snuggle afterwards and be close and peaceful - she was ready to do something else. 

That was OK - everyone is different - but what made it painful after awhile was that I would never - ever! - hear from her the day afterwards... .almost as if it never happened.  When I confronted her about this behavior, she was pretty matter-of-fact: "I have a busy life, that's not going to change; we're not going to wind up happily ever after.  That's the way it is."  All this delivered with the empathy of a bill-collector.

It was only much later - with the help of people on this board, among others - that I realized that she was/is just wired that way, and the BPD keeps her from being able to have "normal" relationships - as normal as an affair can be, albeit. 

As someone else has posted, even when my BPD lover was in the idolization phase, the sex was all about her - her wants, her comfort.  I went along because it was great, frankly... .but later on I can remember feeling simply empty, or even numb, afterwards.  It wasn't her fault (I realize now); she just wasn't able to BE intimate except physically.   Did that make the mini-abandonments less painful?  Not by one iota.  Do I miss her? (Surf over to First Time Posts and read "Long Journey in Nine Months" to see how it pseudo-ended)?  Sure do.  Would I go back?  A VERY good question!  Probably not... .but ask me tomorrow.

[lonelyh1]

Would I go back?  A VERY good question!  Probably not... .but ask me tomorrow.

That is a question many of us ask ourselves continuously. With the same answer I might add!

[ShadowDancer]

The one in my life was hyper-sexual as well. One fine day out of the blue she said ":)on't even try pulling any making love crap with me. I want to f*** the way I want to and when I want to". I was stunned and just looked at her and stupidly said "what". She didn't repeat herself but I did hear her loud and clear. The transaction was one sided.

That fine day was the beginning of the end of our relationship for me. The statement did not so much as illustrate the lack of sexual intimacy per se but rather the total lack of intimacy in general. I began at that instant to actually LISTEN to the words that came out of her mouth. I realized that I did not much care for the words or the person who said them. I realized... .I don't even like this person.

As much of a horn dog as I am, and as physically attractive as she is... .we never had sex again. I even told her I am not inclined to have intimate relations with someone I don't even like. I moved into the guest room and she got her 30 day notice to vacate pronto. She did as expected and played ALL the jealousy and triangulation games she had in her arsenal to no effect. Those fateful and stupidly unnecessary words from her cut through all the PD crud like a knife. These are the words of a child. I am not a child and I sure am not willing to be an object. That was as they say the final "boundary bust". I was done.

As she was leaving at the 30th day deadline after I packed the moving van myself, her statement was "I think I told you too much". I'm sorry to this day that all I said was "uh huh". Little did I know... .the real fun was just beginning.

[OV-105]

The one in my life was hyper-sexual as well. One fine day out of the blue she said ":)on't even try pulling any making love crap with me. I want to f*** the way I want to and when I want to". I was stunned and just looked at her and stupidly said "what". She didn't repeat herself but I did hear her loud and clear. The transaction was one sided.

That fine day was the beginning of the end of our relationship for me. The statement did not so much as illustrate the lack of sexual intimacy per se but rather the total lack of intimacy in general. I began at that instant to actually LISTEN to the words that came out of her mouth. I realized that I did not much care for the words or the person who said them. I realized... .I don't even like this person.

Boy, I hear that one.  My BPD SO made increasingly obvious innuendos - or outright statements: "I think we should have sex soon!" - until one day while smooching on the couch she went for it.  It was great at first but became more "transactional" as time went on.  She freely admitted that her husband didn't "do it for her" after all those years; still, I was the emotional and "cuddly" one; had our genders been reversed it would have been stereotypical.   When she broke most (but not all) of the relationship off, she all but blamed me for having started the sexual part.  But that was typical - she never accepted responsibility for much of anything.   Awhile back she was in a good mood when we chatted on the phone (for once; she'd been alternately angry and distant).  I told her that what I really missed was the emotional intimacy we once had.  Her response - "Well, I miss the sex!"  Me too - but if it's just about that, that doesn't work for me. 

We started off being very emotionally intimate, but that changed after the one and only real fight we had.  I think her idolization of me ended that day, and when things finally settled down - four weeks later - it was much different; the sex became more transactional, though not always.  And the emotional intimacy went out the window.

[apple]

Im glad I read this thread because I can see some things I didn't before. I have had the same experiences with my uBPDexw like rushing into intercourse and skipping past or flying through foreplay and it became transactional. 

[Seneca]

DUDE. Stop telling me my life, guys! 

I actually tried to start a similar thread on the "staying" board, but nobody bit. I am having a really hard time understanding our sexual past in light of the realization that I am dealing with an uBPDh.

- Sexually the dude is up for ANYTHING and takes pride in making sure I am a satisfied customer. Has trouble performing if he thinks I am not "into" it. Wants it all the dang time. Refrains of "we never have sex" happened so  much that I began keeping track for him. 3-4 times a week is hardly NEVER.

- Has admitted that he feels no emotional connection to me when we are in the sack. I have said many times while in the act, "wake up... .I kinda feel like you are screwing a wall right now"

- After the first few years of marriage, flatly REFUSES to initiate sex. "Tired of being rejected" was the common refrain. Dude, sometimes a gal is just tired! But anytime I put him off, it apparently destroyed his confidence. Though he won't initiate or ever show enthusiasm if I request it, there is emotional hell to pay if I don't request it enough. SO much maipulation and controlling going on there.

- I feel very violated by him in everyday situations. In front of our kids, at church, at school, in public, in the kitchen... .whatever... .my body is NOT mine. It is his. SO if he feels like he wants to come up behind me and bite me HARD, or poke my boob, pinch me, fondle, grope etc - he doesn't give a frog's fat behind who is there or how many times I protest. I am his object. And if I do protest, I am punished and he does that juvenile splitting crap "FINE! I'll never touch you AGAIN!" 

- Also, I realize that sex falls into his "risky behavior" category. Luckily, and I say this with all the love in the world for him, he is not charming or attractive. If he was, he'd have had numerous affairs by now, I've no doubt.

Reading up on one of the curriculum threads about the various types of abuse. Many of his behaviors are apparently sexual abuse. Had no idea. Oh, will I ever know a normal emotional and physical relationship 

[PeppermintTea]

DUDE. Stop telling me my life, guys! 

I actually tried to start a similar thread on the "staying" board, but nobody bit. I am having a really hard time understanding our sexual past in light of the realization that I am dealing with an uBPDh.

- Sexually the dude is up for ANYTHING and takes pride in making sure I am a satisfied customer. Has trouble performing if he thinks I am not "into" it. Wants it all the dang time. Refrains of "we never have sex" happened so  much that I began keeping track for him. 3-4 times a week is hardly NEVER.

- Has admitted that he feels no emotional connection to me when we are in the sack. I have said many times while in the act, "wake up... .I kinda feel like you are screwing a wall right now"

- After the first few years of marriage, flatly REFUSES to initiate sex. "Tired of being rejected" was the common refrain. Dude, sometimes a gal is just tired! But anytime I put him off, it apparently destroyed his confidence. Though he won't initiate or ever show enthusiasm if I request it, there is emotional hell to pay if I don't request it enough. SO much maipulation and controlling going on there.

- I feel very violated by him in everyday situations. In front of our kids, at church, at school, in public, in the kitchen... .whatever... .my body is NOT mine. It is his. SO if he feels like he wants to come up behind me and bite me HARD, or poke my boob, pinch me, fondle, grope etc - he doesn't give a frog's fat behind who is there or how many times I protest. I am his object. And if I do protest, I am punished and he does that juvenile splitting crap "FINE! I'll never touch you AGAIN!" 

- Also, I realize that sex falls into his "risky behavior" category. Luckily, and I say this with all the love in the world for him, he is not charming or attractive. If he was, he'd have had numerous affairs by now, I've no doubt.

Reading up on one of the curriculum threads about the various types of abuse. Many of his behaviors are apparently sexual abuse. Had no idea. Oh, will I ever know a normal emotional and physical relationship 

This exactly... .well only difference being my dBPDh doesn't bite.

My husband has started therapy and I see some improvements. However this area of our relationship is a real issue. I don't 'meet his needs'... .yet he can't accept that I even have needs of my own eg for sleep, time by myself, emotional support etc.

I hope we will be able to work on this. I usually post on the staying board.

PT