I guess I'm giving it another try

[toomanyeggshells]

Oh boy, where do I start? I left the house I live in with uBPDbf yesterday and spent the nite at my mother's.  I found a great apartment that I'll kick myself for not taking.  I called uBPDbf twice today to assess the situation between us.  Is it possible to fix or save our r/s or do I move out and take the great apartment. 

We had a major fight over sleeping arrangements at our house this weekend and I let my D27 and her boyfriend, whose 33, sleep in the same bed (uBPDbf was already sleeping when they got there) and uBPDbf was livid because he objects to that on moral grounds.  Mind you, we're unmarried and we live together, but whatever.

He was screaming, name-calling, threatening, pushed me and ordered me out of the house. Of course I left because I knew he wasn't going to calm down and I knew it would escalate if I didn't leave.  (my D and her bf were not there for that)

Anyway, now here I am knowing I shouldn't go back but part of me wants to, hoping that things will get better.  I agreed to change something that he doesn't like.  My x-husband and I still have a joint life ins policy that I've been paying.  Our kids are the beneficiaries - I'm not going to profit from it at all and neither will he. I wanted to keep paying it for my kids and my x-H doesn't have a good paying job and I make more money than him.  I mentioned it to uBPDbf a few years ago and he's been complaining about it ever since, telling me how wrong it is for me to pay for it since we're no longer married.  Part of the reason I never changed it was because I don't want uBPDbf telling me what to do.  I kept saying that I'll change it when I'm ready to change it.  Well, now I've agreed to do that and I'm okay with that. 

In our phone conversation, I told uBPDbf that I've agreed to change the ins policy and he was happy to hear that.  That leaves about a million other reasons for him to still be pissed off at me all the time, but I'm willing to go back home tonight and see what happens.  I guess if nothing changes on his end after I've made this change that he's demanded for so long, then it tells me, again, that no matter what I do, it will never be enough for him to be happy in our r/s.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear the muck did hit the fan.

As you were aware that there could be conflict over this, did you have leaving for your mothers already thought of before this happened/

What boundaries do you now have in place in case he starts the whole thing again?

Has your daughter now left or is she caught in the middle of this.

Most importantly what do you want/see for the longer term?

[toomanyeggshells]

As you were aware that there could be conflict over this, did you have leaving for your mothers already thought of before this happened/

My first thought is always a hotel but then I was speaking to my mother about something else and she said she'd be away that night so it just worked out that I went there. 

What boundaries do you now have in place in case he starts the whole thing again?

Well, I have the same boundaries as I've had.  When he rages and threatens, I leave.  If he's screaming at me to leave the house "forever", that's when I pack a bag and try to figure out where to go.

Has your daughter now left or is she caught in the middle of this.

No thank goodness.  She ended up staying with friends the last few nights and I didn't press her to come back to my house.  She actually didn't see uBPDbf at all while she was here, which is perfectly fine with me (and her).

Most importantly what do you want/see for the longer term?

That's the million dollar question, waverider.  I don't know.  I'd love a happy "normal" r/s with uBPDbf but I know that will never happen.  I guess I'm taking one day at a time until the next blow up and trying not to make things worse each day.  I just want calmness and contentness in my life and I know, without major changes, it will never happen.  I'm working on my side of things, but he definitely is not.

[waverider]

  I'd love a happy "normal" r/s with uBPDbf but I know that will never happen.  I guess I'm taking one day at a time until the next blow up and trying not to make things worse each day.  I just want calmness and contentness in my life and I know, without major changes, it will never happen.  I'm working on my side of things, but he definitely is not.

This is unlikely to happen without full recovery therapy. It is possible though to have a happy, fulfilling yet still dysfunctional relationship. It is not guaranteed, but is possible. It is a hard slog using consistant boundaries and huge doses of Acceptance. The most important step to work at is reducing conflict, which at times will mean enabling neediness.

Once regular conflict has been minimized it reduces their level of defensiveness and gives you more time to practice your relationship skills. Once you reach a better level of stability then you can start working slowly on rebuilding some of those issues you have to let slide.

It is a case of priorities, and getting rid of conflict is up there at the top of the list. Regular conflict keeps them trigger happy and you have no margin to apply some of the more subtle skills.

[daylily]

It is possible though to have a happy, fulfilling yet still dysfunctional relationship.

This made me crack up a little.

[waverider]

It is possible though to have a happy, fulfilling yet still dysfunctional relationship.

This made me crack up a little.

And you need to keep a black sense humor and be able to laugh at the ridiculous.

[toomanyeggshells]

The most important step to work at is reducing conflict, which at times will mean enabling neediness.

As far as uBPDbf is concerned, the only way to reduce conflict is for me to do everything his way.  I refuse to do that, however, I have made some changes.  These changes bother me because I feel like I'm letting him to tell me what to do.  Example - he HATES that I wear skirts with bare legs in the summer (no mini-skirts, I'm 53!) so I've cut back on my skirt wearing to maybe 1x per week.  I guess I can live with that although when I come home from work he'll still make a nasty comment about it.  I refuse to stop completely because I'm dressing completely appropriately for my age, job, etc. and I know his issue is all about jealousy and I can't change that no matter what I do.

An example of his neediness is wanting me to sit next to him on the couch for 4 hours every nite.  I can't do that.  I hate sitting and prefer to be doing things.  He likes sitting.  However, I've made a point to usually be on the couch for about 2 hours - which still drives me crazy at times, but I do it for him.  To me, that's his neediness, which I have to accept if I'm going to continue to live with him.

I could go on and on about his neediness but what's the point.  Right now, I'm staying and trying to reduce the conflict without losing myself in the process.  I need to read more about radical acceptance because I know that would help.

I also need to get a therapist.  I promised my mother I would (which sounds strange coming from a 53 y.o. woman  ).  She knows a little of the issues in my r/s and is worried.  My family has always been big on therapy if needed so there's no stigma for me do that. I'm going to work on that because I know it will make me feel better. 

It is possible though to have a happy, fulfilling yet still dysfunctional relationship.

This made me crack up a little.

Agreed, I let out a little laugh!

[waverider]

I guess a lot of this is about determining what your boundary issues are, and yes being expected to sit on a couch for 4 hours is a valid boundary (freedom of movement). Then restricting conflict as much as possible to those issues, and not overly engaging in them.

As long as there is high, and continuous, conflict, there will be resentment,   battle lines, reactive and defensive responses, you will not be on the same side and so wont achieve anything.

Until you are working together things will not improve. You will end up in your own little Vietnam War until you give up and leave.