My life as his mother is over Need a little advice...

[angeldust1]

My birthday,  his birthday, his sisters birthday all has come and gone and still not a word from my BPD40 without a word.  :'( Much has happened since I've been here with my friends at this website.  I must say the serenity  prayer and really mean it.

. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things  I cannot change.  Change the things I can,  and the wisdom to know the difference!"

It has been 2 years without a single word from him,  and he shows no signs of it changing. Some of the reasons I haven't been here with you here.  What more is there to say.

There was an incident where his father came to stay with him,  because of a fight his father had with his wife (not me) we are divorced THANK GOD!   My ex has BPD and is bi-polar.

After he arrived at my sons house.  My son pwBPD40 began texting his sister (whom he never contacts to except to complain)  telling her among many other horrible things,  that this is why he hates this family,  and wants nothing to do with us.  ( I of course,  had nothing to do with,  or even knew about this,  until weeks later)  I seem to always be the scapegoat in everything that's ever gone wrong in his life, hopefully I was spared this time. I don't believe he mentioned me,  or she was just too kind to tell me.

However this tells me that this behavior this has no signs of ending. I've gone after church, on two different occasions and  either he wasn't home or didn't want to answer the door.  I prayed that if the time was right,  let him open the door and I'd just tell him I loved him and leave if I needed to.  I left my car running just in case an unpleasant scene occurred,  but I guess the time wasn't right.  Well this last incident with his father told me I should stay away forever.   I feel I need grief counseling for the death of a loved one. What are your feelings about this.  I have no more answers,  and my heart cannot take another blow. angeldust    :'( :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

Yes, it is like a death. We have a granddaughter we will never see. But God has always done whats best for me as I look back over my life. He is doing whats best for you too. Sometimes the most painful situations are our time of growth. Believe this for yourself. Move on with your life and keep him in your prayers.

[peaceplease]

angeldust,

Counseling would benefit anyone.  So, I say go for it.  You are grieving over the loss of your relationship with your son.

I agree with lvoesjazz about moving on and keeping him in your prayers.  You can leave the door open for him, shall ever decide to contact you.  Let him come to you, if he will.  You have done all you can.  I can imagine that it really is painful to reach out and be rejected.

You are in my prayers.

peaceplease

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, angeldust1... .

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through; when we have a child that goes No Contact with us, it really is a heartbreaker. I've been through it with my non-BPD son, who is married to a woman who I do believe is uBPD, who from time to time requires them to be silent with us. It is really sad for us, and we generally have to wait it out, and then communicate with them when the time is right. I do feel for you... .

I think that peaceplease's suggestion that you look into counseling is really a wise one; is this something you might be able to do? I have gone to therapy myself, and it really has been a life saver for me! It helps so much to have someone who understands what we are going through, and who can give us great advice and support. I know that you can get that here, too (and we ARE here for you!), but sometimes face-to-face is even better.

In the meantime, have you done any reading here to help you? Here are some links that have helped me deal with the pain you are talking about:

Radical Acceptance for family members

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts

Practicing mindfulness--how do you do it?

Self respect and our sense of ourselves

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Positive entitlement--taking the initiative to share in life's riches

I know there is a lot there, but in this time of not being able to see/speak to your son, maybe take some deep breaths, get a cup of something warm and soothing, and read some or all of the links above and take care of you for a change. What do you think? It can't hurt, and sometimes peace begets peace, and well-being begets well-being... .I wish you well 

[angeldust1]

I have read all of the advice you had for me and have greatly benifited from it.    I can't seem,  though,  to stop this horrible grief.  I pray,  I read, I try to understand.  But there never seems to be relief from the grief, of this loss.   

I will say that from learning so much here on the site,  I no longer blame myself,  I am not a bad mother,  otherwise my other child would not have turned out so well. 

But there is still the unbelievable sadness, that overwhelms me at times.  Even though I know well I did nothing to cause,   bring on, or make this happen to him.  This does helps ease this horrible pain I feel.

I miss my child!  I don't miss the behavior.  I guess I must realize that the person and the behavior go hand in hand,  and I cannot have one without the other. 

I guess in conclusion,  I am better off without the drama,  that pain, that heartache,  the blaming, and all the unceasing lying that... .   just no contact,  is by far the better option.

At least he is "doing what he wants" I assume.

I have wonder sometimes,  if the person who brought him into this world... .loved him unconditionally, ... .nurtured him,... .stuck by him and felt his every pain... .I just wonder if he ever thinks of me or even cares that I am still alive.  Does any thought of me,  his mother,  ever quietly pass through his mind? Other than negatively,  Or is his own pain so great that there is no time or room for anything but his own torment and symptoms?   and will he ever realize that is it not everyone else's fault in the world.

I do wonder... .