Does everything seem different to you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Since I've detached from my BPD ex everything seems different to me.  What I really mean, and this has come in part from reading Brene Brown's books on vulnerability and shame, is that we all wear masks, put forth versions of ourselves we want the world to see, usually pretty transparent to others, but it works for us to make some sense of the world, or we wouldn't do it.

So the benefit of my BPD relationship was she busted through all of my boundaries and shined a light on how I really feel about myself, and she was right, but I had been denying it for so long it came as a shock.  I'd been outrunning my true emotions and maintaining masks for so long that I was tricking myself.  So what happens if I drop all that crap?  Slow down, feel instead of do, I've started questioning everything, which feels like a path to healing, but also feels very foreign.  Better late than never I guess.

And then boundaries.  I've always had crappy boundaries, and lately have been focusing on them, not letting everyone in, making someone earn the right and gain my trust.  I spent some time with an old friend yesterday, and mentioned that since the emotional and physical abuse I got from my BPD ex was so completely what I didn't want or need, the question that arose was what do i need?  Empathy, compassion and validation.  Simple.  I mentioned all that to my old friend, she didn't know how to respond, and I feel a need to keep boundaries up with her.  Well OK, fine.  If we keep strong boundaries up all the time we create our own prison; gotta let some folks in or we'll be forever alone.  Processing... .

Thoughts?

[fromheeltoheal]

Since I've detached from my BPD ex everything seems different to me.  What I really mean, and this has come in part from reading Brene Brown's books on vulnerability and shame, is that we all wear masks, put forth versions of ourselves we want the world to see, usually pretty transparent to others, but it works for us to make some sense of the world, or we wouldn't do it.

So the benefit of my BPD relationship was she busted through all of my boundaries and shined a light on how I really feel about myself, and she was right, but I had been denying it for so long it came as a shock.  I'd been outrunning my true emotions and maintaining masks for so long that I was tricking myself.  So what happens if I drop all that crap?  Slow down, feel instead of do, I've started questioning everything, which feels like a path to healing, but also feels very foreign.  Better late than never I guess.

And then boundaries.  I've always had crappy boundaries, and lately have been focusing on them, not letting everyone in, making someone earn the right and gain my trust.  I spent some time with an old friend yesterday, and mentioned that since the emotional and physical abuse I got from my BPD ex was so completely what I didn't want or need, the question that arose was what do i need?  Empathy, compassion and validation.  Simple.  I mentioned all that to my old friend, she didn't know how to respond, and I feel a need to keep boundaries up with her.  Well OK, fine.  If we keep strong boundaries up all the time we create our own prison; gotta let some folks in or we'll be forever alone.  Processing... .

Thoughts?

[HarmKrakow]

Everything seems different to me yes.

I put my boundaries on fire after we broke up. It burned to the ground. And basically let everyone in but whoever I didn't like after a while I shot them out of my system. I guess this way the learning curve would be quicker than to raise the 'boundary' fence another 50 meters and only let 1 by 1 people in to realize after 5 years i'd still be alone :P

[fromheeltoheal]

Everything seems different to me yes.

I put my boundaries on fire after we broke up. It burned to the ground. And basically let everyone in but whoever I didn't like after a while I shot them out of my system. I guess this way the learning curve would be quicker than to raise the 'boundary' fence another 50 meters and only let 1 by 1 people in to realize after 5 years i'd still be alone :P

Yes HarmKrkow, I can relate, although I've always had poor boundaries.  Now that I'm focusing on them, a lotta people gotta go, but who's left?  I'm focusing on maintaining boundaries, looking at whether I can trust someone and if they are going to treat me with respect, and then asking for what I need.  And of course focusing on self respect makes it easier for other people to respect me.  All new, and getting good at things takes time; I'm looking forward to the time I can notice some growth.

[HarmKrakow]

Everything seems different to me yes.

I put my boundaries on fire after we broke up. It burned to the ground. And basically let everyone in but whoever I didn't like after a while I shot them out of my system. I guess this way the learning curve would be quicker than to raise the 'boundary' fence another 50 meters and only let 1 by 1 people in to realize after 5 years i'd still be alone :P

Yes HarmKrkow, I can relate, although I've always had poor boundaries.  Now that I'm focusing on them, a lotta people gotta go, but who's left?  I'm focusing on maintaining boundaries, looking at whether I can trust someone and if they are going to treat me with respect, and then asking for what I need.  And of course focusing on self respect makes it easier for other people to respect me.  All new, and getting good at things takes time; I'm looking forward to the time I can notice some growth.

I noticed growth the moment I let my boundaries drop ...

Why? Because I didn't know where to put my boundaries but I trusted my gut feeling in this case. If you have new people, old friends, family or a (sane) old ex coming over, you can tell whether or not they push it to far or not. Feeling wise. But I let them go as far as THEY want, because the moment it's not pleasant for me, they can go

I really shook off the focus on my boundaries. I only live once, it costs to much time and energy to over-analyze all these new feelings and emotions because of the new situation we are in right now . I welcome everybody. I don't focus anymore on the past or the future. There is only now, the present.

[GreenMango]

Yep same boat as you.

Totally new landscape.  It's getting easier as the lay of the land gets more familiar but the first adjustment was a little strange.

[Grey Kitty]

I think that developing boundaries is a process. I loved the analogies in this article:

www.alturtle.com/archives/173

It sounds like you are currently training your peasants to be soldiers to enforce your boundaries... .they are doing better than they used to, but still have some learning before they get efficient, effective, and need a lot less supervision.

So be patient with yourself--as you practice with boundaries, you will get better at it.

[laelle]

I feel totally different.  Sometimes I think it is a good thing and at others I wonder what I will miss "being emotionally unavailable"

I am trying to think more responsibly... .Why would I begin a relationship where I can not meet all the requirements needed to have a healthy relationship.  That would be unfair to the other person,

as well as living a lie for myself.  My relationship with my exBPDbf showed me that you should not try to change who you are for someone else.  If you dont like my good side, the bad side doesnt get any better.  

Its not as easy as "If you like me check this box"  How I act and react affects others.  Sometimes I wish I did not learn the things I have and could continue to "puppy love" everyone.

I got angry a few months back when I took a stab at dating.  The guy pretty much told me that same thing I am telling you.  I naturally thought it was rejection based on my low self esteem.

Instead it was him being honest of what he had to give and what he saw needed to pursue a relationship with me.  I was nowhere near ready to date back then, and it was more apparent to him than it was for me.  I just wanted to be loved and wanted.

There are better ways of fulfilling love and want than looking for it through other people.  It ends in idealization and disappointment.  I hope I will be ready one day, but I am happy just pleasing myself for the moment.  

[Turkish]

I've always had crappy boundaries, and lately have been focusing on them, not letting everyone in, making someone earn the right and gain my trust.  I spent some time with an old friend yesterday, and mentioned that since the emotional and physical abuse I got from my BPD ex was so completely what I didn't want or need, the question that arose was what do i need?  Empathy, compassion and validation.  Simple.  I mentioned all that to my old friend, she didn't know how to respond, and I feel a need to keep boundaries up with her.  Well OK, fine.  If we keep strong boundaries up all the time we create our own prison; gotta let some folks in or we'll be forever alone.  Processing... .

Thoughts?

Maybe that was a little too open. My boundary and need is that I simply want to be treated like a decent human being, as I try to treat others. Simple. Everything else falls under that. I was angry at my BPDex for years during our relationship because I felt that was missing in her. Now, at the end, I understand. I was just too naive to act on what I saw early on, and too arrogant to not see that having kids, "things", meeting her demands again and again would change that. Love (agape) comes from within, not from without to fill a need. Despite my consciously ignoring the signs, I still think that I am a good judge of character. I don't think that has been "killed" in me (ten years ago, I might have gone hermit and emo due to this, but I know I am MUCH stronger than the ex! despite her trying to convince me that I was the problem). So I am taking that, one day at a time. I still have lots of work to do detaching, but am not so stupid as to jump into anything right away, though honestly, the desire is there! Hard to be with someone for 6 years and suddenly be alone, even if I was alone for longer than that before I met her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Maybe that was a little too open. My boundary and need is that I simply want to be treated like a decent human being, as I try to treat others. Simple. Everything else falls under that.

Thanks Turkish, food for thought.  I dunno, still feeling my way here, but I've known this gal for decades, and it didn't seem inappropriate to ask for what I really need.  What Harm said is making sense to me now: let the boundaries drop, let everyone in, and just keep the ones we find empowering, gets through the learning curve quicker than erecting 50 foot walls and letting people in slowly.  That works for me today, still working on it... .