Wife making no effort in marriage

[SimplySeattle]

In my marriage with my borderline wife, I've realized that she does the bare minimum to keep the relationship alive. She does not initiate communication with me (no phone calls or text messages). I feel that if I don't call her, then we could go days without any communication (we live in separate homes for the time being). Sometimes when we do talk, I have to carry the conversation like I'm doing a talk show asking questions and keeping it interesting (or there would be dead silence on the phone). If I stopped calling her, would she forget about me? Does it cause her anxiety, or is it out of sight, out of mind?

If we get into a disagreement, or if I don't read her mind correctly and fail to meet her expectations, then she will get cold with me and treat me like an outsider. Honestly, I feel more of a connection with talking to the store clerk than with my wife when she's like this.

She also sometimes has a problem saying I love you. When she is like this, and I say I love you, she has to struggle to say it back, or she'll say, "Thank you."

Any insight would be appreciated.

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[sadeyes]

Mine is the opposite. He calls me many times every day & gets his feelings hurt if I am busy at work, on the other line, or can't talk for some reason. Sometimes, he won't talk much (he is playing on computer or something) and just seems to want me on the line. Control maybe?

Interestingly, my brother who is diagnosed bipolar (mild... does not need meds if he takes care of himself and gets proper sleep, avoids stress etc) is very much like this. He never calls, and there is a lot of silence if we dont carry the conversation. My mom & I have tried experiments where we stop talking & it can go 5 minutes without a word... .

[JohnnyRis]

SimplySeattle when i started reading your post i thought you were describing my girlfriend. She behaves exactly the same way your wife does: if i don´t do what she expects me to do she changes and becomes cold or agressive in manners, i must be a mind reader. And also the i love you sentence it happens the same way you described, sometimes she stays in silence or just says thank you. It is so frustrating :'(

[wishfulthinking]

Maybe it's a difference between BPD men and women?

My husband is like sadeye's husband... .needs CONSTANT communication and is hurt if feels like he's not getting my undivided attention and wants to talk my ear off to the point of me thinking... .WOW, here we go, I really don't have time for this and I've heard it all before and I JUST REALLY DON"T CARE right now because I have 15 other things to get done that you will get mad at me if I don't get them done... .UGH.

[SimplySeattle]

SimplySeattle when i started reading your post i thought you were describing my girlfriend. She behaves exactly the same way your wife does: if i don´t do what she expects me to do she changes and becomes cold or agressive in manners, i must be a mind reader. And also the i love you sentence it happens the same way you described, sometimes she stays in silence or just says thank you. It is so frustrating :'(

Yes. I don't understand it. Maybe there is a difference between men and women. I often question why I'm even in this relationship with someone who appears not to care.

[123Phoebe]

I often question why I'm even in this relationship with someone who appears not to care.

Hi SimplySeattle 

Nice to meet you; sorry to hear about the struggles you're having in your marriage though

The question of 'why am I even in this relationship' is a good one to ask yourself.  The tricky part is answering it honestly and truthfully.

Why are you in this relationship?

Does your wife have qualities that you admire?

Does she share the same values as you?

Do you share similar interests?

What attracted you to her in the first place?

I hope that you'll stick around and learn all you can about this very complicated disorder.

It's good to have you here!

-Phoebe

[SimplySeattle]

Hi SimplySeattle 

Nice to meet you; sorry to hear about the struggles you're having in your marriage though

The question of 'why am I even in this relationship' is a good one to ask yourself.  The tricky part is answering it honestly and truthfully.

Why are you in this relationship?

Does your wife have qualities that you admire?

Does she share the same values as you?

Do you share similar interests?

What attracted you to her in the first place?

I hope that you'll stick around and learn all you can about this very complicated disorder.

It's good to have you here!

-Phoebe[/quote]
Yes she can be kind and I think that there is a good heart inside, but I'm learning that I have to watch what I say because she will interpret it differently or try and rewrite history. We do have the same values and she likes some of the same things I do.

Today I told her that I love her, care about her, and that she needs to seek some help. I don't know if she will, but if she decides to, I will support her and be there for her all the way. If she decides that she's not the one with the problem, then I will probably leave her and let history repeat itself over and over again.