I Broke No Contact (Hides behind parapet)

[houseofswans]

I await your thoughts and responses on this... .

I had this suspicion (through meetup groups in my area) that Mr X was either in my ex's bad books or even not around any more.

Call me a fool, or whatever else, but I decided to go around to my ex's house. I was quite prepared for the worse (they were still together), and although there was a part of me that wanted to give it another go, I didn't hold out much hope, and was happy to remain 'friends' - whatever that entailed.

The evening was very pleasant, no stresses or strains at all.

It turns out that my ex had 'blown Mr X out' (her words)

Apparently, Mr X and my ex were booked into a hotel the night before a conference regarding my ex's research. Mr X had a phone call from his (not quite yet, ex), that evening before the conference, she was all tearful, and decided to leave my ex at the hotel and return to his girlfriend (girlfriend, because although my ex was seeing him, they were planning to have a full relationship at the end of September, after Mr X had finished with his girlfriend) - complicated, I know!

So, because my ex felt 'abandoned', she told him in no uncertain terms 'where to get off'.

This is were it gets surreal... .

My ex decided to attend the conference on her own, and the very next day met someone else! The 'New Mr X' had been told some days previously by a 'channeller' that he was going to meet someone that he will have to work with on this highly specialised research my ex is undertaking. He shares an interest in my ex's research and apparently, he knew exactly where my ex was coming from. Of course, my ex was totally bowled over by the fact that he not only knew about the research she was undertaking, but also gave her some incredible insights.

Well, my ex is totally and utterly smitten!

She said that her heart had been beating fast ever since she met him last week and felt that, at long last, she had met someone who really understood her and her research.

Now, one of the things I'd said about the previous Mr X was that he was rich. The New Mr X makes him seem like a pauper! And I know that money isn't everything, but hey... .

And not only that, the New Mr X had told my ex that he was fed up being alone at home with the kids (his wife is extremely influential, super-rich and always jetting off to America 20-odd times a year), was considering a divorce and moving up this way to be closer to my ex WHO HE WAS FATED TO WORK WITH (his words) on her research.

So, that's about it - talk about my ex rebounding - one night!

The thing is she seemed so taken by this man and felt that the chances of meeting someone who really understands her, was too coincidental.

I wished her well, only because she did look happy about the future with the New Mr X. It's just that the green-headed monster has appeared... .

How on earth is she going to cope, what with the rebound, and her BPD (and that's without knowing what he brings to the emotional table)... .

[Ironmanrises]

House... .

Now that you have witnessed... .

Further erratic behavior... .

From your ex... .

That she is now idealizing... .

Someone else... .

After the person... .

Who replaced you... .

Left her... .

How does that make you feel... .?

Instead of her grieving... .

That abandonment... .

That was now deposited... .

On her... .

As she did to you... .

Do you now see... .

Further proof... .

That she has a disorder... .?

We are here for you buddy.

[hopealways]

That's one of the big reasons I cannot break no contact - the fear of the response, the fear of finding out what she may be up to.  They do not grieve like the nons grieve.  I don't want to be hurt like that.  I have come way to far to start again at zero.

[Ironmanrises]

That's one of the big reasons I cannot break no contact - the fear of the response, the fear of finding out what she may be up to.  They do not grieve like the nons grieve.  I don't want to be hurt like that.  I have come way to far to start again at zero.

Spot on Hope.

In bold.

I learned that lesson... .

In round 1... .

When I tried to reach out to her... .

Just once... .

She raged at me.

Said some things... .

That literally... .

Ripped right through... .

My ironman suit.

In round 2 of devaluation... .

I started seeing her behavior... .

Which was far more erratic... .

Then first round... .

And I remembered... .

What happened... .

That one time I broke NC in round 1... .

And the way she was acting this time... .

I do not even want to imagine... .

What I would possibly see... .

Or find out... .

Or her response.

All of it... .

Would only hurt me.

She hurt me... .

More then enough.

[winston72]

Chaos!  Utter chaos within your ex, HouseofSwans.  It is, in fact, a whirlwind of chaos that is best to detour around.  I empathize with the rise of the green-headed monster, but from an outsiders view of your situation, you are truly fortunate to be outside that whirl of heartache.  I know it does not feel like it when you are in it, but it sure looks like it from my vantage point.

She won't cope.  No happy endings for that new relationship.  She is erratic and unstable... .and he is married?  A match made in heaven.

[laelle]

She probably thinks her behavior is cute and eccentric to boot!

[houseofswans]

Thanks all.

@winston72 - a whirlwind of chaos? Yes, I suppose it is. When I asked her why she said she went into another r/s after a couple of days, she did say that it wouldn't usually happen with her, but there was just something so right about this man. I don't know, there is a part of me that wants her to be happy despite the pain, and I've just sent her an email telling her just that. But again (as the last Mr X), there's this devil sat on my shoulder whispering in my ear that I hope it goes wrong. I don't like feeling that way.

Yes, he is married - but says that he'll get a divorce (not sure what his wife's thoughts on that might be. She may agree or may not). And then there's the three children who he looks after at home (his wife if the jet-setting breadwinner), how will he (or they) cope if he moves 200 miles away from them?

@Ironmafalls - you say such sensible things. I do see further proof of the disorder. It doesn't make it any easier, though... .!

@hopealways - you are very strong. I wish I could be more courageous in my beliefs.

So, back at day one after six weeks NC. I told my ex that writing her the email was cathartic. I told her that she knows how I feel, and that despite all that's happened between us she has my unconditional love, support and friendship.

Gawd, is that preventing my healing? Is being on this board virtually every day preventing me from moving on?

I just don't know what to think or do anymore... .

[Ironmanrises]

Thanks all.

@winston72 - a whirlwind of chaos? Yes, I suppose it is. When I asked her why she said she went into another r/s after a couple of days, she did say that it wouldn't usually happen with her, but there was just something so right about this man. I don't know, there is a part of me that wants her to be happy despite the pain, and I've just sent her an email telling her just that. But again (as the last Mr X), there's this devil sat on my shoulder whispering in my ear that I hope it goes wrong. I don't like feeling that way.

Yes, he is married - but says that he'll get a divorce (not sure what his wife's thoughts on that might be. She may agree or may not). And then there's the three children who he looks after at home (his wife if the jet-setting breadwinner), how will he (or they) cope if he moves 200 miles away from them?

@Ironmafalls - you say such sensible things. I do see further proof of the disorder. It doesn't make it any easier, though... .!

@hopealways - you are very strong. I wish I could be more courageous in my beliefs.

So, back at day one after six weeks NC. I told my ex that writing her the email was cathartic. I told her that she knows how I feel, and that despite all that's happened between us she has my unconditional love, support and friendship.

Gawd, is that preventing my healing? Is being on this board virtually every day preventing me from moving on?

I just don't know what to think or do anymore... .

In bold.

I know.

I know my friend.

We are not disordered... .

So that makes it... .

All the much harder... .

To try and understand... .

Such hurtful... .

And cruel behavior.

If i did a fraction of what my exUBPDgf... .

Did to me... .

To someone else... .

My conscience... .

Would eat me alive.

I wouldnt even... .

Be able to sleep at night.

Try and maintain NC... .

So you can begin to heal.

That is really... .

All you can do.

And post on here.

We will listen to you.

You are not alone.

[Learning_curve74]

I agree with ironman. Your ex is insane: repeating the same things again and again but expecting a different outcome. You don't have to be insane yourself. If you are always back to square one after contract, then stop it! Maybe one day you'll be detached enough that contact won't set you back, but if you're not there yet, why repeat doing the same thing that doesn't work?

I also do struggle with whether I'm here on the forum too much, but I feel that I am definitely benefiting from it. It is good to feel that I'm not alone, and I appreciate the support: we can give and receive help that is so useful to us.

[KE151]

Houseofswans... .: you say you have unconditional love for this woman. Think about that for a moment.

Could one of the following perhaps be a "condition" for love for you to take into account:

1) her rebounding to a new guy within hours

2) her having not one but basically two simultaneous affairs with married men

3) her deciding within minutes that someone is just so right

It seems you should need to work on your boundaries friend. This crazy woman will keep messing up your life until you decide enough is enough.

[peas]

3) her deciding within minutes that someone is just so right

FYI, my uBPDexbf decided within minutes I was just so right. He said as soon as he laid eyes on my he knew he wanted me.

Two months later he first raged at me and destroyed my property. A month after that and every few weeks thereafter, he would break up with me but returned in days. After seven months with me he finally said good-bye forever and now doesn't want anything to do with me.