New Here

[mrsdnd]

Hello-

I just joined this group because I am at a loss as to how to deal with how my BPD mother makes me feel.

She is currently giving me the silent treatment because we are spending Thanksgiving alone with my husband's family for the first time in 11 years. She has had every other holiday in that time period. She is furious she isn't invited. When we combined families last year she threw a tantrum, cried in my daughter's room for hours, stormed out and refused to speak to us for months after. My husband does not want his holidays spent in this manner anymore. We are spending Christmas and Halloween with her this year, but you know, it's never enough.

This is just one example of the constant issue of dealing with her. When she gives me the silent treatment I feel panicked and like a scared child. I know this is irrational. I am a happily married mother of two. But she somehow gets inside me and I do not want to let her anymore. So I guess that is what I am trying to accomplish. How to stay strong, know I am a good person and not let her antics hurt me anymore.

I always feel like I did something wrong. I am afraid of authority figures as a result and I feel it has impacted my professional confidence.

That said, I feel cutting her off would be too cruel. She has no one else. Alienated all her friends, husband etc.

Thank you!

[winston72]

Hello MrsDND, and welcome to BPD Family!  And, don't worry, in this family you don't have to invite any of us over for the holidays, and we won't throw a fit!  I am being humorous, but with some anxiety because you could well have described my mother.  I am 58 years old and my mother passed away some years ago, and memories of her emotional withdrawals, irrational behavior and convoluted thinking still make me anxious.  It isn't easy and your reactions are completely understandable.

All this being said, I learned about personality disorders recently and my interaction with this web site and the people on the boards has been enormously helpful.  I wish I had learned more decades ago.  It would have made a great difference in my quality of life.


When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

I hope to hear more about of your personal story and your journey.

[Drained Daughter]

 *welcome*MrsDND!

We are happy to have you aboard.  Re your question, when I first really started setting boundaries by not responding to my mothers' crazy, endless demands, I found I had similarly panicky responses.  It was like my world would crumble if I didn't meet her needs.

Looking at that behavior analytically, I realized that this was my own flea from growing up with my BPD mom and it was my responsibility to recondition myself so I could separate from her and become less enmeshed without feeling like I was loosing my identity.  (like they say you can't control their behavior, the only thing you can control is your response to it)

I realized I had spent such a large percentage of my life enmeshed and dealing with her madness that I really wasn't sure what my life was about if I took that time back for myself.

I literally pictured myself as one of pavlov's dogs.  Basically, throughout my childhood, my mother had taught me to "salivate" (jump to meet her needs) whenever she "rang the bell" (by making demands or raging).  I had to re-train myself to figuratively walk out of the room when she rang that bell.

I found three things helped:

1. Learn

I read a lot about BPD,especially "Understanding the Borderline Mother." That helped me recognize patterns of behavior (hers and mine) that are artifacts of her disorder.

2. Nourish more functional relationships in your life

Acknowledging that I had positive functional relationships (with my husband, sis, friends) that deserved more of my time and attention than I had been giving them due to being stuck in my mother's vortex.  I spent some of the time I would have devoted to freaking out about my mom, with those people instead.  I realized I had been pouring all of my energy into the most dysfunctional relationship in my life, while starving my good relationships.

3. Fill the time with  other activities

I needed to find other things to do with my time when I felt compelled to return her call, respond to her needs, or just sitting around obsessing about her.  Basically, I had to replace my learned behavior--trying to fix our relationship, with new behaviors.  It was like a smoker who has to find something to do with their hands when they are quitting.  Exercise, call a friend, garden, or read/post on this board.  That last one really helped me because reading and posting on the board was a way of thinking about the issue that was on my mind, without repeating my enmeshed pattern of endlessly engaging with my mom.  It also was a way of learning more about BPD and starting to recognize how many things I was going through were common experiences.

Best of luck to you!

[Clearmind]

Welcome mrsdnd

I know its hard to accept however if she is giving the silent treatment the last thing we should do is extend a hand. Mom needs to self soothe on her own and you reaching out will only set a precedence for her – that is – her passive aggressiveness gets rewarded when because mrsdnd will make contacy.

We need to porces the obligation and guilt this boundary brings. Time to make a stand for your needs and hubbies needs.

You cannot be abandoned like you were as a child mrsdnd – we need to remind ourselves we are not those little kids anymore who can be punished. We do however successfully punish ourselves for looking out for our needs. We can work on that!

Have you read much on boundaries? Have you had any counselling or therapy on how to deal with trauma and carry over from childhood?

You matter, your needs matter!

[zone out]

Oh Mrsdrd - my heart goes out to you, it really does.  Welcome to the BPD site - you will find lots of help and understanding here, read lots of posts - there are so many of us with very similar experiences.  My uBPD mother does not do the silent treatment - she screeches and throws tantrums (at least I know what is going on in her head, not that any of it makes sense when she is in one of her episodes).

No matter what you do, how many times you visit - it never seems to be enough.  I can well remember one of my first Christmases after I married.  We were going to my inlaws for the holiday (she had several relatives staying with her).  I called with presents on the way and as I tried to leave she grabbed my arm and pleaded with me not to leave her - crazy situation, me trying to wrestle her off - while my husband looked bemused thinking - what has he married into!

Clearmind gives you good advice about dealing with 'the silent treatment' - she is manipulating you, just like my mother does to me.  Its like a toddler thinking - if I don't get my own way I'll huff or I'll scream.  Their feelings are their reality - that was my lightbulb moment.  If you look around the posts on this board you will find lots you can identify with.  Let us know how you are getting on.  You are not alone in what you are dealing with.

[P.F.Change]

When she gives me the silent treatment I feel panicked and like a scared child.

That is understandable. That behavior may have felt traumatic and confusing to you as a child, and experiencing it as an adult might recall old feelings of (misplaced) shame. Withholding love as a form of punishment is a type of emotional abuse. I worked with a therapist to overcome those old trigger-reactions to trauma, and it helped me considerably.

Let me ask you this: Whose job is it to make your mother happy?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Santa Clara]