It's almost going to be not like we're divorced at all...

[momtara]

I am putting in our plan that we have to see a parenting coordinator ever

45 days for the first year.

Also putting in that he should stay in counseling 3x/month.

Also thinking of adding a family counseling session once a month, since that way at least I kcan kinow if he's working on stuff, and it's the right stuff... .

He si going to say he can't afford all that, so I will pay for a lot of it.

I have to do all this to protect my kids, I think.  He is losing everythign - two little kids and a wife that did everything for him.  He just came home every night, watched sportts, and went to sleep.  Complained about aches and pains, rarely left the house, isoalated me, etc.  Now he is out on his own and really doesn't want the divorce.  I want him to stay in counseling so he can take care of the kids and not blame them.

But with all this contact with him, it's almost not like being divorced. 

Just wondering if anyone has thoughts.

I am still wondering whether I should have just asked for a psych analysis of him.  It seems like a big deal to have to involve the courts, when we've avoided it so far (he only has the kids for a few overnights a month), but maybe with an official court diagnosis, they would order the counseling and I couild rest a bit easier.  My husband listens to courts much better than to me.

[Matt]

It's probably best, for the kids, for both parents to have objective psych evals, so that important information is out on the table.

But if you're past that point, and you think counseling for everybody is the best plan, offer those ideas, and be ready to compromise on them.  You're coming down on the side of professional help.  You might not get all you are asking for, and that might be fine, but some professional guidance is probably a good thing.

Be prepared for it to be ineffective, though - if your ex isn't into it, there's only so much a professional can do.  Concentrate mostly on what you can get out of it, and then on how it can help the kids.  Don't expect much from your ex's involvement.

[Ishenuts]

If you make your parenting plan air tight to avoid loop holes, you shouldn't need to see the Parental Coordinator that often. Our parenting plan wasn't air tight so the uNPDexH runs to the PC for all his crazy interpretations. She hasn't been very effective. Because she doesn't stand strong, we have already been to court once. The family court mediation process was able to talk sense to his lawyer so we avoided going before the judge.

Avoid all that and try to anticipate his issues by making the parenting plan clear. That will save you some $$.

[momtara]

What kind of issues do you wish you had resolved?

I could still ask for psych evals, just think it may not change much.  It still might make me feel better tho.

[Matt]

It's pretty likely the psych evals will find something in both of you;  you've been through a lot, and that can leave some scars.

Mine showed a higher-than-average risk of addiction.  I was over 40, and didn't drink or do drugs, but my personality includes some of the things that put people at risk, and there is some alcoholism in my family of origin.

This was a surprise to me, so I called the psychologist who administered the test - our Custody Evaluator - and asked him what it meant.  He said, "Since your over 40, never had a DUI or other bad consequences from substances, and aren't drinking or using anything, I wouldn't worry about it.  Just keep doing what you're doing - seeing a counselor - and be aware you have this potential problem."  I followed his advice, and when I was asked about it, said exactly what I'm saying here.

The result was a sharp contrast between my wife and me - her diagnosis was serious, and she denied it and didn't get the recommended treatment.

A not-perfectly-clean psych eval doesn't necessarily work against you.  What counts is how you deal with it.  Best to get it all out on the table, objectively - your strategy is not to claim that you're perfect and the other party is all screwed up, it's (I hope) to get all the important information out in the light of day, so decisions can be made about what's best for the kids.  You are the voice of reason and care!

[DreamGirl]

I think it's OK to worry about the other parent of your children.

I also think it's good that you are facing this as a "family" - but in a more disconnected way. You won't be married anymore, so all that marital relationship stuff can not be the primary focus, but rather the coparenting relationship stuff.

You're ready to focus on the kiddos and what's best for them.

He is going to struggle in that.

It sounds like you are implementing all the right professionals to help you.

You will be divorced. It's just not going to be an overnight experience.   

[Free One]

What kind of issues do you wish you had resolved?

I could still ask for psych evals, just think it may not change much.  It still might make me feel better tho.

I think if it is on your mind and still an option now, you should consider what the pros and cons are either way. Like Matt said, you have to be able to handle what might come up on yours (not saying it will be bad, but you are fragile right now).

If you don't do it, is it something you will regret later when the process and cost of getting it done is much more?

Would it bring you some peace about your children with whatever the eval says about their dad?

[Matt]

Would it bring you some peace about your children with whatever the eval says about their dad?

Peace... .and maybe practical solutions, in time.

What I mean is, there are many practical things each of us can do, to manage our lives, while someone like this - someone who has a psych disorder like BPD and isn't getting the treatment they need - is in our lives.

For us here, we can maybe figure it out, and psych evals can give some insight, but even without the psych evals, we can observe the behaviors, and learn how to deal with them.

Longer-term, to help your kids, the psych eval results may be helpful.  You won't want to tell them directly, especially at a young age.  But over time, it may be information they need, and that might help them figure things out... .

[momtara]

That's a good point too.  It might provide a diagnosis.

I talked to my L today.  She said that it's possible to get a low-level psych eval without the full custody evaluation and stuff like that.  It just might not be very extensive or helpful.  I also have to try to figure out what I want out of it - for him to have supervised visitation?  Or maybe for him to have counseling ordered?

I am having trouble finding out what the real options are. 

[Matt]

I am having trouble finding out what the real options are. 

This is troubling (but pretty common).

I think it's fine to keep asking questions - ask your attorney, or if needed talk with another attorney - some give a free initial consultation.  Make it clear that you want to understand how things work where you live - it's not the same everywhere - and you want to know what options you have.

My first attorney didn't tell me that I could file a motion to have a Custody Evaluator appointed, or that I could file to have my wife deposed - both key options in my case.  Others here suggested both those options, and I asked my attorney, and he said we could do that.  I changed attorneys to get one who would explain things so I could make informed choices.

I think it's OK to go through a phase where you don't negotiate or state any position, but focus instead on finding all the information - a "discovery" phase.  You could say, "I don't know yet what will work out best.  Let's get all the information out in the open and then consider what will be best."  "All the information" could include financial stuff - it's normal for that to be exchanged - and psych evals.  A Custody Evaluator could be appointed to look at all the custody issues and make a recommendation.

If you think supervised visitation might be best, that will be hard to get.  If you propose that too soon - before there is adequate information available - you will be pushed to say why, and if you don't have enough evidence, you might look extreme.

But if you get psych evals, and if you also have information about the other party's behavior, which lines up with the results of his psych eval, then it may be possible to establish that there is a serious problem, and his time with the kids should be limited and supervised.

Or... .if both psych evals come up relatively clean, there may be a different solution, like a "parenting coach" or a mediator to help you come to practical solutions.  Situations can be pretty bad, but that doesn't mean either party has a psych disorder - it could be an extreme example of miscommunication, or something else.  Let the prescription come after the diagnosis, and let the diagnosis be based on solid information... .

[livednlearned]

My T gave me great advice once about disciplining S12 -- don't ever use consequences that make me suffer.

Whatever you come up with should be something that benefits you no matter whether he participates or not. For example, he may not go see the parenting coordinator. Strike one against him. Or, like my ex, he may use her for many thousands of petty things. Strike Two. Or, you ask PC to help you resolve an issue, and PC does that, but ex does not comply. Strike Three. Now you have a third-party witness who can testify that your ex cannot coparent, makes bad decisions for the kids, does not comply. Etc. Maybe you'll get lucky like me and your ex will threaten the PC, and she will testify that he is too difficult for anyone to coparent with.    Be aware, though, that PCs can be awful. He could run to PC for every single thing, and you have to pay for that bill -- and it can really add up. Meanwhile, the PC does not settle anything and nothing is effective. If you get a PC, pay very close attention to the payment arrangement. Make him pay for issues he raises.

Thinking about this post, and your recent ones about getting him into counseling makes me think you need to ask for psych evals just for peace of mind. Unless he has been severely disordered, it's likely you will have to go through one as well. Then you have a licensed professional who can make recommendations about what your ex should do, instead of you. If recommendations come from you, court is likely to question what you are basing things on. We are in the era of therapeutic jurisprudence, which means courts invests tremendous trust in trained professionals. Even though we live with these BPD people and probably know more about their behavior, court prefers experts over us.

Family counseling -- not sure what you mean by this? Coparenting counseling was recommended in my case. I went once. It cost $250/hour and I went by myself the first and only time. Many coparenting T's are forensic psychologists. Meaning, they expect to testify. It's part of their business model, and you may see in their waiver forms that they will charge a higher fee for testifying than the hourly therapy rate. Again, if you are looking for someone who will testify on your behalf, then maybe this is worth it. The therapist I saw could not guarantee that I would be protected in those sessions. Courts recommend coparenting therapy for low-conflict cases and that just wasn't us. I never went back.

[Free One]

It just might not be very extensive or helpful.  I also have to try to figure out what I want out of it - for him to have supervised visitation?  Or maybe for him to have counseling ordered?

Helpful in regards to custody and the divorce?

[Forward2free]

It's really difficult to see things from the court's perspective - I certainly don't agree with them.

However, my barrister told me that the court looks at it from the kid's perspective, almost exclusively, and in spite of what has happened to the husband/wife.

In my case, if he had damaged our marital property and hurt me, it wouldn't have played a big part in the custody matters, but, he damaged our home - which was the kid's home, and the problem was that BPD/Nxh only saw it as intent against me, and told the police and psychiatrists that it "didn't affect the children"! The children NEVER went back home after the incident. They told the victims of crime psychologist that they think the house blew away in a storm. She made me tell the kids, in her presence, that daddy broke into our house and broke it and that's why we couldn't live there anymore. It was a kids version of the story, but they needed closure.

4 years on, because he hasn't hurt the children, they recommend more time with dad. However, he has had more run in with the police, more intervention orders against him from ex girlfriends, instability in home and career, but the court still sees his 4 hours per fortnight with the kids as quality time with no issues.

In this case the psychologists told me directly that they don't think he will harm the kids - now/anymore. But they haven't experienced BPD/Nxh in his destructive tempers, abusive comments, silent treatment, leaving the house for days at a time, inability to cope on his own, grandiose sense of self, selfishness and attention seeking etc etc etc. All of that will harm the kids, but until he does it, it doesn't count.

This might sound weird, but I was relieved when they diagnosed BPD/Nxh, to the point where it gave me relief and rest. I'm not proud of that outcome. My whole aim was to protect the children, but now that I have a diagnosis for him and treatment, the past doesn't seem to matter and I am fighting with the experts instead of them being on my team. I hope that makes sense?

[momtara]

Did the diagnosis mean he had to get counseling?  Was it a specific kind?

Yeah, I might want the psych eval for peace of mind.  I do have a paper trail of wacky things he has done.  They don't involve physical violence.  The worst was claiming to our doctor that our baby gets carsick.  The doctor said, well, you can give her Bena dryl.  So he tried to convince me to give it to her for every visitation with him.    I talked him out of it and gathered evidence that he was imagining this.  It just worries me that when he gets stressed, he imagines things.  She did throw up once in the car months ago.  Combined with his capacity for getting revenge on me (canceling the kids' drs appointments etc) I just worry.

Then, other times, he acts like he truly loves the kids.  It's just when he's in the dark moods, he imagines things and doesn't seem to feel love.

Could he snap one day?  Sure.  I guess anyone could, but he has more reason than most - he is losing his family. 

He is in counseling now (for ocd, not BPD), but I don't know if he'll stay in after the divorce.  So we're hoping to nail that down in the final agreement, as well as a family therapist, and also a parenting coordinator.  So yeah, we'll be together a lot.

Someone asked what I want out of this.  I want for the kids to be safe.

I also can never really tell if I'm overreacting.

[livednlearned]

If you think supervised visitation might be best, that will be hard to get.  If you propose that too soon - before there is adequate information available - you will be pushed to say why, and if you don't have enough evidence, you might look extreme.

This would be my concern -- that in the court's eyes, you end up coming across as controlling instead of protective.

There are a limited number of very blunt tools that the court uses to understand what's going on. We pick which tools we think will help us tell our side of the story. The story should focus on the pattern of behaviors that are harming the kids. Once you have that story well documented, you ask the court to consider everything, and then you suggest/ask to use a second set of tools to help manage the behavior so the kids are ok. Maybe it's supervised visitation. Maybe it's no overnights. Maybe it's sole legal custody or full custody. So two steps. Tools to demonstrate concern. Then tools to manage behavior.

If you tell the court that your ex is harming the kids and should be in counseling 3x a month plus family counseling, you are skipping over the first step. You are telling the court to believe your side of the story, and they can't do that. They need more. They need a deposition that shows his thinking is disordered. Or they need substantial documentation that he has harmed the kids. Or a psych eval. Something that isn't you.

Your instincts tell you that your ex might harm your kids, and you see early warning signs. That is not overreacting. But you have to build your case methodically, and use the tools available. Figure out which tools you want to use to document the patterns of behavior. Maybe think of the psych evals as a baseline. It might not be enough on its own, but like Matt said, you'll have it there to corroborate the other stuff that is (unfortunately and probably) going to show up.

Until N/BPDx had his psychotic episode, I was in a similar position to you -- there just wasn't enough stuff to guarantee I would win full custody. N/BPDx has a serious alcohol problem, but no DUIs. No AA meetings. His urine tests came back clean every time. He agreed to not drink before or during S12's visits, but I knew he was drinking -- the emails I received were proof to me because they were so crazy. But the court needed to see impartial documentation. First, N/BPDx had to send over 100 b@tsh!t crazy emails in a 12 hour period, all night long, while S12 was in the house. Then we were assigned a PC. Then NBPDx threatened her. Then I filed for full custody, she testified, and I won. I could've told the court all that and more was going to happen, but I needed it to be documented and witnessed by a third-party professional.

[momtara]

Ah! Now I see.

We are going to ask for a PC.  I am going to have trouble affording all this, but I will try. 

[livednlearned]

Ah! Now I see.

We are going to ask for a PC.  I am going to have trouble affording all this, but I will try. 

The fees you pay for PC services should reflect your incomes. If your ex makes 3x what you make, he pays 3x. That's how mine was arranged. So I paid 25% and N/BPDx paid 75%. Also, just know in advance that pwBPD tend to use PCs in really weird ways. Think carefully about how your ex will use the PC. If you think he will run to her for every little thing, consider setting up the fee structure so that the person who contacts the PC pays for the issue. Or, if you aren't sure, then just let it be 25/75 and let the PC see all of your emails. That's what we did -- if it had to do with S12, we copied her on emails. Within a couple of weeks, and unbeknownst to me, she had talked to him directly about how to communicate effectively with me. Then, in one email, he was so awful she very bluntly wrote to tell him that he was not communicating effectively. That became a theme. Then she became a target.

Pick your PC very well -- make sure whoever you get is a psychologist, not a lawyer. And ask someone inside the family court system who has the best reputation. My PC trained PCs! She was so highly regarded by the courts that when she testified, it was pretty much a done deal.

I used the PC as surveillance over N/BPDx and it worked. I didn't think the PC would have any influence over N/BPDx's behavior, and she didn't. She just became my key witness, and that's what changed everything.

I hope it works for you. Some people have had nightmare experiences. I talked to people about their experiences with PCs and they said it was a "trash can for money." But I don't know if their exes had PDs.

[momtara]

Good advice.  Thank you. 

Was yours court appointed? 

I think my husband is not going to want one.  I guess it will look bad if he says no, though.

Neither of us can really afford one.

[livednlearned]

Good advice.  Thank you. 

Was yours court appointed? 

I think my husband is not going to want one.  I guess it will look bad if he says no, though.

Neither of us can really afford one.

Our lawyers both recommended a PC after our deposition. I was reluctant. N/BPDx was on board. I think he believed he could get someone to teach me a lesson.

[Matt]

I filed a motion for a Custody Evaluator to be appointed.  My wife's lawyer opposed it, claiming there was no need.

My lawyer showed her solid evidence, and said our marriage counselor has told me she believed my wife had BPD.  My wife's lawyer said I made that up.  So both lawyers called the MC together;  my lawyer had my written notes from that session.  The MC confirmed what she had told me.

So my wife's lawyer agreed and talked my wife into agreeing to a CE.  The lawyers agreed on someone and mutually asked the court to appoint him, and the judge agreed.

[livednlearned]

I was initially the reluctant one. I was so worried that a PC would not see the BPD, and would make my life living hell. So I agreed, and then I let it stall for a really long time. Almost 9 months. I got a lot of continual pressure from my L, and through her, it sounds like N/BPDx's L was applying a lot of pressure.

Eventually, I did start to look like the bad guy. Like I wasn't willing to work with a third party, meanwhile all this crazy rage crap was building up. My L kept saying, "Why not get the PC on board so she can document this stuff? It will be good for you."

Maybe something similar will happen for you. See if you can get your L to make it sound like her suggestion, not yours. If I had suggested it, I'm sure N/BPDx would've pushed back. 

[momtara]

Sounds good.  You are REALLY helpful.  Thank you.

I am so scared that I missed my chance for a psych eval and that I won't be able to get him to agree on any of these counselors, PC's, etc., which I care about more than the money.  

I want my kids to be safe.  I wish my hubby would just do something scary but not too scary, involving the kids, just once more so I can finally stop being a wimp and go to court!

But we are working on our final agreement this week, so maybe the PC etc. will come through.

I was just going through my records, and I have put up with about 1 crazy incident per month.  I could have gotten a restraining order for harassment on any of them.  Then it calms down, he claims he's getting counseling, and I get hopeful.

No more of that.  Some of the stuff he does is covert, and he is smart, so he may not send me any crazy texts etc any more like he used to.  I am hoping he just doesn't snap one day after he gets really triggered.  Who knows!

[livednlearned]

But we are working on our final agreement this week, so maybe the PC etc. will come through.

Even if you feel like it makes you look difficult, those documents are not legal or binding until you sign them. If you think a psych eval is important, and want one, be difficult! It is entirely plausible and reasonable to work through this stuff, and over time, realize that it's essential to your case. Does that make sense? I'm not saying that a psych eval is the be all end all, just that it's ok to be difficult, especially over this. Lawyers know some things very well, and many of them have a lot of helpful expertise. They also want to settle your case -- they pride themselves on being able to settle cases out of court. So their preference is that you don't take the reins much, because then you assert your own opinions, thoughts, desires, and that isn't what they're used to. Same with doctors -- we defer to them, and they know a lot, but at the end of the day, these are your choices to make.

If you decide NOT to get the psych evals, and go with a PC, it may work for you in a similar way. Or not. It's hard to say -- I shopped around for PC until I found one I really trusted. That was super important. Fortunately, she was highly regarded by both Ls and the court. She was doing her own psychological analysis of N/BPDx, and is the one who requested he undergo a psych eval. The catch is that he had his psychotic episode, and PC read the transcript of that night. He blamed pain killers and ambien (kinda omitted the alcohol until he actually talked to the evaluating psychiatrist). So there was obvious cause for PC to ask for a psych eval.

When you start the process with a PC, she is not going to take your side, so heads up about that! She (or) he needs to be a neutral party and get to know you. In my case, what happened is that PC was very forthright and blunt. Very assertive. No nonsense. N/BPDx didn't like that, and he started to misbehave with her. He could not control him impulses, and began to dysregulate not only with me, but with her.

You're smart to ignore the cycling he does -- that's a big deal! That boundary is only going to get stronger as time goes on.

[ForeverDad]

A psych eval may be a term that means different things in different places.  In my area a psych eval is just the testing and assessment of the individual(s).  In some places psych eval is the phrase used for a custody eval.  In my area a custody evaluation generally includes a psych eval but then assesses the parents, their parenting and their parenting behaviors, so it would be considered more comprehensive and have greater impact when a judge is considering a new parenting plan or order.

To illustrate, a person may have been an alcoholic in the past - which can severely impact parenting - but stopped drinking.  Although still considered an alcoholic, the behaviors would be mostly absent and not impact parenting.  Do you see the difference?  A psych eval where just testing is done is cheaper but may not be all that you need.  For most courts, it's all about the behaviors.  Tests may point out the potential issues but the behaviors, especially the parenting behaviors and how the children are impacted, are what matter the most.

I hope I made sense.

[momtara]

My concern with the PC is that I will just be setting myself up to have to explain what's going on in dribs and drabs over a year and not get anywhere, just like when we had marriage counseling during our marriage.  Maybe this is passive and I need to be aggressive.  Thing is, I am now about 4 weeks since the last alarming incident and so I can't really move to suspend hubby's parenting time while we wait for a psych eval.  And asking for an eval without doing that may make him more dangerous and hostile.  Plus we go to court tomorrow and he is asking for alimony and it might look like revenge.  I had a chance and waited too long... .I just couldn't make that step and go to court and bring on all those issues, but instead I may be costing us all more in the long run by not acting.  If my husband does something else concerning, I am ready to act.  Now I am nervous that he will lay low because of the last lawyer letter!

Thanks for being there. 

[Matt]

Maybe form a boundary in your mind - if he does X you will do Y.

By thinking this through in advance, you'll be prepared to act.  In the meantime, maybe you won't beat yourself up over what you didn't do in the past... .

[ForeverDad]

I doubt it would seem to the court like revenge.  Actually the sooner you bring up the issue of psych eval or custody eval and get it on the record, the less it will seem awkward later if you bring it up again.

Alimony should be short term, right?  I've never heard of it being more than half the length of the marriage, usually much less.  I was married for 15 years when we separated, by the time we settled for the final decree it was nearly 18 years.  My lawyer used the local pattern of 2 months for every year married (1/6) so my ex got 3 years of alimony.

These days alimony if seen more as supplemental money to help the disadvantaged ex to get back on his/her feet, time to get a job or get training or education for a career.  It is NOT lifetime or indefinite support!  Don't be guilted into GIFTing a bum or jerk.

Let's say for example it was an 8 year marriage.  Alimony would never be more than 4 years and likely much less, maybe only a year or two IF ANYTHING.  Repeat, the goal of alimony is not to give someone a free indefinite vacation, it's to give time to get established post-marriage life.  It if wasn't a long marriage then don't be intimidated by ex's demands!  Of course ex will demand, ex is Entitled and Unreasonable, what else would you expect?  Remember, ex may ask for alimony, even demand it, doesn't mean the court will grant it!  Hopefully court will deflate his expectations and tell ex to get a life!

And if you're the one caring for the children for the majority of the time then alimony demands from ex would likely be weighed against your time, housing and expenses caring for the children.

[Matt]

I doubt it would seem to the court like revenge.  Actually the sooner you bring up the issue of psych eval or custody eval and get it on the record, the less it will seem awkward later if you bring it up again.

Let's talk about making a significant shift in what you ask for - shifting from asking for something less to asking for something significantly more or different.

I did that:  First I (foolishly) agreed to have the kids only about 1/4 of the time, then I asked for a Custody Evaluator to be appointed, and then I asked for primary custody.

Where I live, you're supposed to bargain in good faith, and not play games.  So I had to show that I had good reasons for these changes - I wasn't jerking the other party around or abusing the court's time.

When I asked for a CE to be appointed, I cited new information I didn't have before:  our Marriage Counselor, a psych professional, had told me that she believed my wife had BPD, and I had researched that, and found that if the kids were in the care of someone with BPD, they would be at high risk - substance abuse, depression, etc.  That fit with our family history - my stepson was at that time struggling with addiction.  It seemed like a very good reason to shift my weak, passive approach to a stronger one - get psych evals for both parents and have a court-appointed psychologist take a good look at what would be best for the kids.

Then the psychologist's findings gave me a good reason to ask for more time.

But if you can't come up with a good, solid reason, I think you can also say that you have given it a lot of thought, and consulted with professionals, and researched, and concluded that you were mistaken, and you have decided to do what's best, even though that is a shift.  Better to do what's right now, than to continue down the wrong path, even if that inconveniences the other party and the court.

Stay focused on what you believe would be best, and why.  Get good at explaining it briefly and clearly.

[livednlearned]

Stay focused on what you believe would be best, and why.  Get good at explaining it briefly and clearly.

You've already come a long way in your thinking, momtara. Maybe you don't notice it because it's incremental. But I can see it! You can do this next step.

What Matt is saying is really important. A lot of nons have a false sense of control over situations, and at the same time, we do a lot of hand-wringing, and stall on being assertive. So it helps to get really clear about your goals. Otherwise, you're going to be a victim of your own overthinking. If your goal is to get a psych eval because you think it is best, then that's your goal and you create a strategy to get there. Don't worry about what others will do, think, or say. How your ex reacts is out of your control. I know it doesn't seem that way, but honestly. It is. He's BPD. It's the best trick in the book -- to make you think that your actions cause his behavior. When N/BPDx had his psychotic episode, I saw BPD vividly -- super clear. He took the fact that I was out of town on Valentine's Day after we were divorced to mean that I had an affair during our marriage. Only someone with a PD thinks like that. I can see that his thinking is crazy now, but his thinking has always been like that. I pet the dog too long, then I must not love him. I don't want a second serving of dinner, he doesn't talk to me for 3 days. That's nuts.

Same thing with your situation. You are asking for a psych eval. He might act crazy in response. He might act crazy in response even if you don't ask for a psych eval. So the logical conclusion is: ask for one. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Once you get this part, it's actually freeing. Doesn't mean it's easy! But it's a major codependent milestone.

That's why it's so so so important to have a goal and then go from there. Ignore the noise. Focus on what's best for your kids, and figure out the tools you want to use, and the strategy and tactics to get there. Everyone thinks of your ex as a grown up. Let him prove it -- that's on him.

It took me 2.5 years to get the system to listen to me and rule in my favor. It's a long, painful, expensive process. And believe me, I know how hard it is when your kids are hanging in the balance. This isn't going to be easy, but it's a super important psychological step.

[momtara]

THANKS.

You know, I DID consult with experts over the last few weeks.  So there is that.

We go to court tomorrow.  I'll see what happens.