Physically & Emotionally my husband is like living with a priest

[gbpacker48]

Hello fellow friends,

My uBPD husband is like living with a priest, friend etc. We have been married 30y 4 adult children and 2 adopted at home still. One of the reason I have continued to have children is for the hugs. Also I have had several foster children.  This does fill a void that is in my life.

There is no physical contact between us in the last year.  We always had some kind of intimacy for birthdays and anniversarys that is no more.  We never touch in any kind of way. 

Although I'm not uncomfortable with this arrangement I do wish we had more.  My h does not give out compliments.  He has high expectations for me but the bare minumum for himself. 

The last 30y he has been emotionally unavailable or at times gives the bare minumum of affection

Approximately one month a go I was stranded with my van.  After a man came a long and was trying to pick me up my h said good.

So basically I'm a bother to him but yet I can't leave him for a day because he freaks out.  The biggest problem is he can't do anything for the kids, or me without getting confused.  He doesn't remember to give medicine , feed them, take them to school etc.

This group has been fantastic in teaching me how to take care of myself.  Also how to be happy by myself and count on myself not someone else.  How to set boundaries.  Thank you to anyone whoever said a kind word because this is a truly priceless group. 

Cheers! gbpacker48

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[froggy]

Gdpacker

know the feeling. .almost 33years for me.

Having a lot of the same problems.

Did your husband have issues "sharing" you with the kids... especially when first born and untill they could manage to fend some what for for themselves?

[Marcie]

Know the feeling my husband can go for long periods of time being the same way...

[Mike76]

My BPDw and I have only been slightly intimate once in the 15 months.   For us it has been my choice and not hers.  We usually sleep in the same bed, the occasionally passionate kiss, and embrace other, but marital things of any type I personally pulled off the table.  (We are catholic and birth-control is not a option).   The last she hit me, I made a commitment that she is well aware of that domestic violence has NO value in or home.   Once we talk about it, come up with a resolution, have strict boundaries about DV sex is off the table.  The last time she hit me was 11 months ago, but as recently as 3 weeks ago, I was told it was my fault and I deserved it.   My wife and the MC both know if it ever happens again, we are done.

I only mention my story for to clarify that my story me and not my BPD.  None the less when you remove physical contact from the relationship it is horribly destructive to the marriage.

Although for different reasons then yours, when you remove it, you lose soo much.

[eyvindr]

My heart really goes out to you folks who have been dealing with this for the likes of 30 years. I sometimes can't believe how much time I've lost struggling to make dysfunctional relationships work with dysfunctional partners.

If you are comfortable sharing -- I'd really like to understand better how and why you stay in the relationship, instead of calling it a day and moving on?

[waverider]

Sometimes I think this can come out a fear of not being in control, so they strive to control their own lives. Sometimes to an almost OCD type of control. Others impinging on their lives, whether physical or emotional, is an unknown and uncontrollable threat so they shut it out, often along with outside influences resulting in an isolation mindset (the worlds a bad place full of threats to them).

A variation of black and white thinking. Fully controlled, or no control (shut out as a defense), and inability to co operate in shared behaviors and responsibilities

[froggy]

Why do I stay? Good question. .the big reason is loyalty. .I made promises that I would... for better or worse. .till death do is part.

Like the Meatloaf song says... "I swore I would love you till the end of time... .but now I'm praying for the end of time to hurry up and and arrive. ... " well we know how the rest goes.

Am I happy... no

Do I wish things were different. .yes

Will he ever change... no...

Can I change. ... yes

Will I stay?... .not sure

[SweetCharlotte]

My first marriage became sexless and no-touching or declarations of love as soon as I became pregnant. That H was not BPD but something on the autistic spectrum, according to our final MC. I waited a few years for things to change and then filed for divorce.

I think when things get to this status, there is no longer a true state of marriage, and one can be forgiven for breaking the promise of "till death do us part." If the r/s can be officially declared dead, then that is the death that enables you and the spouse to part company. It takes some people longer than others to be satisfied that they have tried all measures and it is futile.

Marriage to a pwBPD does not have to be loveless or sexless (my current marriage, LD with a uBPDh, has no problems of this kind). I would not encourage anyone to be satisfied with a marriage that does not fulfill them in this respect or offer a glimmer of hope.

[Theo41]

In our case it's me who has become distant and reluctant to initiate intimacy. Rationale: The horrible behavior which amped up beginning in 2009 has turned me off. Who wants to be intimate with someone who frequently and inappropriately attacks and embarrasses you?

[eyvindr]

Sweet Charlotte -- I follow your line of thought. It's where my opinion falls, too.

Theo41 -- that's a difficult place to be in. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Your question brings me back to my question --

Who wants to be intimate with someone who frequently and inappropriately attacks and embarrasses you?

Right -- understandable. Along the same lines, what keeps you in an r-ship with that same person?

[Theo41]

That's the stumper: why do I stay in the relationship?

1. When she's acting normal she's a good companion.

2. We have children and a shared history over many years.

3. When the going gets very tough and I decide to leave she sucks (recycles) me back in using any and every tactic necessary including threats.

Bottom line: There's a lot of good to balance the bad and I allow her to insist that I stay.

I stay... but little intimacy.

Does this make sense? As one of our Board members who I like says: " if nothing changes, nothing changes." I have made changes that have made the relationship more livable for me but am I being too timid and failing to make the bigger changes that would really make a difference... .like insisting on therapy or moving out, for example.

[eyvindr]

Thank you for helping me better understand, Theo. I completely follow your reasoning -- there are always reasons we can find to stick it out with our partners, regardless of personality disorders. Love is a powerful bond, and I admire your commitment.

I think you've raised some good questions. Only you can answer them for yourself, as it is your life, and your choice.

Hang in there.

e.

[Theo41]

Thanks Eyvindr. Comment very much appreciated.  Theo

Thank you for helping me better understand, Theo. I completely follow your reasoning -- there are always reasons we can find to stick it out with our partners, regardless of personality disorders. Love is a powerful bond, and I admire your commitment.

I think you've raised some good questions. Only you can answer them for yourself, as it is your life, and your choice.

Hang in there.

e.